Soon to be married advice

[squatch66]

Our sex life has been pretty unsatisfactory already for like 2 or 3 years. And I can't handle that. This last month has been the worst of my life. Im working 2 jobs to pay for everything, and she works .5 jobs. All I want when i come home is a little sympathy and a newcastle, and maybe some sex. I get the newcastle, cause i buy it on the way home. I have NEVER been so unhappy in a relationship. Forget the fact that she has pretty much estranged my entire family.

ok i havent read the entire thread so i dont know if im going against the stream or not here but it sounds to me like you need to go to a marriage counselor before you guys get married and do something that you potentially dont want to do. you need to air out these feelings and let her air out any issues that she has. if you dont then you will be miserable forever. i have never been married so i have no basis for the stress that a couple goes through but this sounds to me more like you are having second thoughts about the relationship.

edit: i just finished reading the thread and i gotta tell you ben i think that you should get out of this relationship. i know that this might not be the most popular advice but you sound absolutely miserable. that and with the family issues it sounds like this marriage is headed in the wrong direction.

[hockeysc23]

Anyone else find it interesting he doesn't mention he loves his wife to be but is extremely attracted to her but mentions how he lost his dog which was the love of his life? Interesting to say the least.

[squatch66]

because i dont think that he really loves her. not trying to sound mean ben but it is just my observation.

[Ax]

Damn you DH! Damn you to hell!

Can't a guy make a quick, overgeneralized blanket statement, void of any meaningful detail, in an effort to inform lesser men of their potential inadequacies in the field of sexual relations, without having to explain himself?

So, you're saying physiologically, that men and women are created equal? That each person emits the same amount of the appropriate hormone to create equal sex drives among women and men..... and different individuals of the same sex? And at varying points in their lives?

No. But I'd suggest that people should find someone with a sex drive close to, if not equal to, their own. That's for starters. They should then proceed to find out if they are compatible in bed. Not everybody is. Regardless of experience. Some people just don't mix, sexually. Despite every effort. Others, without even having to try that hard, just do.

So then, with the knowledge that you, "ring each others bell", and with each one of you now knowing the importance of a healthy sex life that you share, any problems that may arise in the future, are more easily, and honestly dealt with. Be they medical, emotional, or practical. And yes, there are a multitude of possibilities. but starting on the right foot goes a long way to dealing with them positively.

All people who experience orgasm - acknowledging that there are those that cannot -- most likely enjoy it. However, some people aren't completely consumed by the experience of orgasm that it becomes an insatiable need. Not to mention at least 3 dozen different legitimate reasons.

Agreed, Mr. Serious Smartypants!

[Forehead]

First things first, you need to set some limits in your household.

Okay, now that I got my joke out of the way, there are some serious red flags in this. For instance:

We fight literally EVERY day.

We've always been a very passionate couple, so when we fight, it's usually a big overdrawn fight. But in the last couple years our fights have been more limited to like once a month.

It's turned into EVERY day.

Now granted, there's a lot of other things at work, like stress from being kicked out of where we were living, our dog who was the love of our lives got run over, both within the last month, so obviously it's been tough.

Not to mention the fact that we havent had "relations" at all, even really made out at all, in over 2 1/2 weeks. We haven't really had a stellar sex life to begin with (maybe like once a week, at best), but now it's pretty much turned non-existent, which is completely unsatisfactory to me.

Okay, obviously you guys are in a rough situation, and yes, people can go through a rough stretch, especially before something big like a wedding. Losing your dog on top of it. This is completely understandable. But here is where the red flags start.

I honestly don't know how I feel anymore. I have loved her for a long time, but I'm a laid back guy, and really hate conflict, yet I've been living in constant conflict for at least 3 weeks. It's seriously unbearable. Is this gonna carry over? If so, I can't marry this girl. This has been without a doubt the worst our relationship has ever been.

Our sex life has been pretty unsatisfactory already for like 2 or 3 years. And I can't handle that. This last month has been the worst of my life. Im working 2 jobs to pay for everything, and she works .5 jobs. All I want when i come home is a little sympathy and a newcastle, and maybe some sex. I get the newcastle, cause i buy it on the way home. I have NEVER been so unhappy in a relationship. Forget the fact that she has pretty much estranged my entire family.

he still suggested more counseling (which made her furious). My dad was my best man, but her and my dad got into a HUGE fight, and now he doesn't support our wedding, and I'm no longer talking to him. And she was mad at my mom for only coming to her bridal shower for an hour. So I called my mom to say something, and now my mom is really upset with me.

Uh oh, looks like she's packing her bags and leaving as I'm typing this.

She's gone now though, though I have no idea where she went. She'll be back tonight, cause she really doesn't have anywhere to go.

Damn, she left, and she's sending me all kinds of really mean text messages, calling me less than a man, and all sorts of stuff. I hate my life. lol

And add in the death of our 6 year old ****er spaniel, the love of my life. But still, is all that really an excuse?

Dude, are you reading what you're writing here? You're about to marry a girl who you rarely have sex with, which you have gone on record as saying you can't handle, and that it's gotten worse. She's not contributing nearly as much to the house as you, since you're working 2 jobs and she's working half of one. What the hell does she do with the rest of her day? She gets angry when counseling is suggested, and she has estranged you from your parents.

Then she leaves, but you didn't say over what? Now she's sending you nasty text messages insulting your manhood and whatever else. And to top it off, you mention the dog being the love of your life.

***********

Look, maybe I got lucky because my wife and I get along great, but you have to know yoru limits, what you can accept and what you can't. I personally would never accept any woman in my life that didn't have at least semi-regular sex, that didn't work a steady job, that tried to cut me off from my parents, that shows the emotional maturity of a six year old by leaving and then sending me nasty texts, or was someone who it wasn't clear whether the dog was more loved by each person than each other.

I couldn't fathom putting up with and ONE of those things, but you seem to be putting up with all FIVE. And the only reasons I've seen you give for going through with it are that you've been together for awhile and she's good looking.

That's not enough. I'll echo what others have said, people don't change much after they're married, if at all. Maybe some small things, but deep down, people are who they are. Taking out the recent emotional turmoil, you've still complained about the sex life through your entire relationship, which can be a serious problem. And me personally, the fighting aside, I would be more worried about the fact that she thinks it's acceptable for you to work two jobs while she's working .5 of one, or that she can just stalk off and then insult you electronically. The girl sounds like a parasite to me.

But I don't think you needed me to lay this out for you. It's right there, slapping you in the face.

[Capt Rich Fla]

Its cheaper to keep her

I know this first hand lol

or kill her.:doh:

[Midnight Judges]

Originally Posted by benskins26

She's gone now though, though I have no idea where she went.

She's probably out getting :hump:

[DeanCollins]

benskins finance' is back now and unplugged his computer :laugh:

[hockeysc23]

benskins finance' is back now and unplugged his computer :laugh:

I was going to say threw it at him when he asked to "talk".

[Capt Rich Fla]

I think alot of people with relationship problems think marriage will ease the problems. It's just not true.

[gobigred]

Marrage is a strange thing, Women are even stranger, ask your self can I live with this woman when we no longer desire sex (and one day that will happen) and then it is just me and her. If she gets real sick will I want to care for her. Stress comes with commitment, I pray you both know God because you will need him. if you can answer the above question truthfully then you will be fine. There is a long list of other questions, but this is a good starting point. Good Luck, God Bless

[Die Hard]

No. But I'd suggest that people should find someone with a sex drive close to, if not equal to, their own. That's for starters. They should then proceed to find out if they are compatible in bed. Not everybody is. Regardless of experience. Some people just don't mix, sexually. Despite every effort. Others, without even having to try that hard, just do.

So then, with the knowledge that you, "ring each others bell", and with each one of you now knowing the importance of a healthy sex life that you share, any problems that may arise in the future, are more easily, and honestly dealt with. Be they medical, emotional, or practical. And yes, there are a multitude of possibilities. but starting on the right foot goes a long way to dealing with them positively.

I don't disagree with any of this. However, none of these points are related to the one you originally wrote

There's also the psychological aspect that we haven't even explored.

If a woman puts on weight... and she might self-esteem issues. And when women don't feel sexy... they generally don't want to have sex. And some women take decades to be comfortable with themselves sexually.

And I won't even examine a recent statistic where something like 50% of women aren't able to achieve climax through intercourse.

And also, just because you're sexually compatible BEFORE you get married... doesn't mean people's desires, interests and needs don't change. For a variety of reasons.

To me... it isn't finding the perfect "mate" who fits all your needs. That's impossible. However, if you've found the perfect "partner"... they'll be willing to fulfill your needs just as you would be willing to fulfill theirs.

Relationships are about negotiations and compromise. Both ways. Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex with you 2-3x/week.... but she has other needs.

My point is... she should buck up and give you the 20-30 minutes a week that you need ... and you'll be happy to work on the honey-do lists... or give her a night out with the girls and watch the kids... or do the little things you do that she likes/appreciates.

But if she isn't willing to fulfill your needs... then what the hell are you married for? And how can you possibly have no self-respect to say you "love" someone who obviously doesn't give a crap about you and your needs. You are practically dead inside.

[DeanCollins]

Marrage is a strange thing, Women are even stranger, ask your self can I live with this woman when we no longer desire sex (and one day that will happen) and then it is just me and her. If she gets real sick will I want to care for her. Stress comes with commitment, I pray you both know God because you will need him. if you can answer the above question truthfully then you will be fine. There is a long list of other questions, but this is a good starting point. Good Luck, God Bless

Add to that that a lot of people aren't mature enough to be in a marriage, have no concept what their roles are, have not positive examples from their childhood to draw from. When It comes to choosing a wife, look closely at her mother because women will more or less become their mother sooner or later, especially if they are close to them.

[Bubble Screen]

[/i]

She's probably out getting :hump:

haha...This was what I was thinking, too. But I didn't wanna be cruel.

Seriously, I echo what alot of others have said here. You should probably not marry this girl. Phoward's post was pretty much spot on.

[SkinsNumberOne]

And I won't even examine a recent statistic where something like 50% of women aren't able to achieve climax through intercourse.

That was the one I was considering eventually bringing up.

I agree with everything you said Die Hard, glad you brought all the relevant points up.

[GoSkins561]

Im getting married in January. St. Lucia W.E. 2 weeks of paradise with no stress. I have the wedding party who have all already accepted their invitations and booked their bungalo's and flights all staying in Marrigot Bay with us. Its been reletively easy. I am lucky to have a couple of friends who were able to throw down and take off and come out there with us. Its not cheap. I still need to get my groomsmen gifts though.

Probably not the right thread to be talking about Honeymoons etc. With that said that's where my wife and I spent two weeks after our wedding unwinding from all of the crazy wedding plans. The first couple of days we were exhausted, I blame a lot of that on the stress leading up to the wedding. Enjoy St. Lucia.

[Stew]

Probably not the right thread to be talking about Honeymoons etc. With that said that's where my wife and I spent two weeks after our wedding unwinding from all of the crazy wedding plans. The first couple of days we were exhausted, I blame a lot of that on the stress leading up to the wedding. Enjoy St. Lucia.

Thanx bro, yeah I posted before i read the whole thread. talk about foot in mouth... er keyboard in mouth.

[Ax]

I don't disagree with any of this. However, none of these points are related to the one you originally wrote

I don't know, let's see.

In response to skinsfan44...

And whoever says that your sex life will stop after you get married has married the wrong woman.

...I wrote...

Bingo!

Which meant, I agree. Now, I realize it is a generalized response, but then I already know what some of my more detailed thoughts about it, are.

One being that...

So then, with the knowledge that you, "ring each others bell", and with each one of you now knowing the importance of a healthy sex life that you share, any problems that may arise in the future, are more easily, and honestly dealt with.

Which means that while your sex life could change, it wouldn't have to stop.

Which we obviously agree on.

However, if you've found the perfect "partner"... they'll be willing to fulfill your needs just as you would be willing to fulfill theirs.

...and

I'd suggest that people should find someone with a sex drive close to, if not equal to, their own.

In my mind, these are important, though certainly not the only requirements, for "marrying the right woman." I see all these, including the points you make, as common knowledge issues, and sometimes assume too readily that everybody should already know this.

Then I wrote...

Besides, I've never met a human, male or female, who didn't enjoy an orgasm, and want more of them.

That statement is completely accurate, IMO. Now, to enjoy an orgasm, you've had to of had one, correct? I realize the degree to which some will enjoy, and therefore go on to try and achieve more of them, will vary a great deal, from person to person. This again goes back to my above statement about finding someone with a similar sex drive. I didn't state these things originally, because again, I see it as common knowledge that anybody should know. Besides, it takes too long to type, and I'm a horribly slow typist.

Finally, I wrote...

But before you can receive great sex, you had better learn to give it.

I don't see where this needed any further explanation.

So, I respectfully disagree that my second post was not related to the first.

Now, on to some of your points.

There's also the psychological aspect that we haven't even explored.

I know. I skirted the subject with...

any problems that may arise in the future, are more easily, and honestly dealt with. Be they medical, emotional, or practical.

...but purposely didn't go into any detail, since it could take years to cover.

If a woman puts on weight... and she might self-esteem issues. And when women don't feel sexy... they generally don't want to have sex. And some women take decades to be comfortable with themselves sexually.

Obviously. Although this is an area that can be, somewhat covered, early on in a relationship. Just like the discussion of future children, pets, hobbies, etc..., weight and overall physical condition should be open for discussion. Not just because of physical attraction, but mostly because of staying as healthy as you can, for as long as you can. Gaining weight because you're too lazing to work at it, while stuffing Dorito's down your throat, can be in the "unacceptable" category. If her bikini underwear looked like dental floss when you met, and then grows to the size of a kite...or his six pack abs have been replaced with a full keg hanging over his belt, then there should be no surprise if they start looking elsewhere. Unless they both said from the beginning that they didn't care, and really meant it. Some people think they won't care, then do. If you're both "spreading out" then there shouldn't be a problem.

*Weight gain due to uncontrollable medical conditions are a different matter.*

Helping her feel sexy, in every way you can, is something you should "want" to do. I know it can't always work, but it shouldn't be for lack of trying. But as you stated, in a loving, equal relationship, she would be willing to fulfill your needs, even when she's having trouble being interested herself. And yes, I know there are a multitude of variables here. I'm just generally speaking.

And I won't even examine a recent statistic where something like 50% of women aren't able to achieve climax through intercourse.

I wonder how many of these women, if teamed up with the right person, could have said, they haven't had one, yet. While I've never slept with a virgin, I was "their first" orgasm during intercourse, for a couple ladies during my single days. So, I know it can happen. At the end of the day though, it doesn't matter much, how, as long as it's known going in, and you find other ways to achieve, that the two of you can live with, it's all good. And who knows, maybe one time when she's not expecting it, SHAZZAM!

And also, just because you're sexually compatible BEFORE you get married... doesn't mean people's desires, interests and needs don't change. For a variety of reasons.

Agreed. We covered that, ever so briefly.

To me... it isn't finding the perfect "mate" who fits all your needs. That's impossible. However, if you've found the perfect "partner"... they'll be willing to fulfill your needs just as you would be willing to fulfill theirs.

Total agreement here. I just don't consider the difference between "mate", and "partner" to be significant, here.

Relationships are about negotiations and compromise. Both ways. Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex with you 2-3x/week.... but she has other needs.

Reminds of a joke...Two guys sittin' at the bar.

First one says, "My wife cut me down to 2 pieces of ass per week."

Second one says, "Don't so feel bad. I know three guys she cut out altogether."

My point is... she should buck up and give you the 20-30 minutes a week that you need ... and you'll be happy to work on the honey-do lists... or give her a night out with the girls and watch the kids... or do the little things you do that she likes/appreciates.

Agreed. If more couples thought this way, they'd be much happier. It's more of what I consider, common knowledge.

But if she isn't willing to fulfill your needs... then what the hell are you married for? And how can you possibly have no self-respect to say you "love" someone who obviously doesn't give a crap about you and your needs. You are practically dead inside.

Bingo!

[Die Hard]

Which means that while your sex life could change, it wouldn't have to stop. Which we obviously agree on.

Sure, it can change. There's going to be peaks and valleys. But given the quite glaring statistics... I'd venture that guys who've had the number of sexual encounters INCREASE over time are in the very small minority. If that's you... kudos. But people are divorcing and seeing marriage counselors in large part because of a lack of sex.

Especially once kids enter the picture.

And people get too comfortable with each other... the original "lust" wears off... people work long hours and trek kids all over the place or work overtime. Kids stay up late. You're tired, etc. etc.

These aren't excuses... they're reasons. It's real life.

I'm not sure why anybody would think marriage and getting older and taking on more responsibility is more conducive to sexual relations?!

Does it happen? Sure. Some women reach their sexual peak later in life... and good for them.

But for the 10% of you that have enjoyed that.... don't try and tell the other 90% of us that that's the norm.

Now, to enjoy an orgasm, you've had to of had one, correct? I realize the degree to which some will enjoy, and therefore go on to try and achieve more of them, will vary a great deal, from person to person.

Listen... women have sex with a man when she feels "close" to him. A man wants sex to feel "close" to her.

In the end, the women is ultimately in control of the vagina. A women wants a partner and a soul mate. And when she finds that... then she'll open up. But her main intention isn't to get laid.

Does it happen? Sure. But not nearly in the same ballpark as men.

Guys need constant release. That's why we masturbate so much.

Women want to achieve orgasm when they have sex..... but they aren't thinking about orgasm every minute of the day like men.

I wonder how many of these women, if teamed up with the right person, could have said, they haven't had one, yet.

You're thinking like a man A women can achieve an orgasm and enjoy it without being consumed by it.

Listen to most of the married guys here..... and previous threads. Married men don't get nearly as much sex as they want. That's a pretty common shared experience

Now, why would a women marry a man she's not sexually compatible with?

If we polled husbands and wives separately.... "Are you having enough sex in your relationship?" Yes/No.

How do you think the results of the poll will end?

Now, why would a women marry a man who ISN'T providing consistent orgasms? Could it be "love"?

Because you seem to believe that if a woman is experiencing consistent orgasms.... they'd be having more sex.

So why do married men complain about not getting enough? Or why would women marry a man who isn't providing consistent orgasms?

Which is it?

[Ax]

I'd venture that guys who've had the number of sexual encounters INCREASE over time are in the very small minority. If that's you... kudos.

I venture that if there was room, to even be able to increase, that things weren't quite right from the start.

But people are divorcing and seeing marriage counselors in large part because of a lack of sex.

True. But some are also doing those things because of the poor quality of what sex they do have. Or, they're staying in a lousy marriage, and looking for better sex on the side.

Especially once kids enter the picture.

And people get too comfortable with each other... the original "lust" wears off... people work long hours and trek kids all over the place or work overtime. Kids stay up late. You're tired, etc. etc.

These aren't excuses... they're reasons. It's real life.

Kids change thing drastically, for sure. And all the pressures and stress life throws at us can become all consuming. But if a quality sex life is desirable for BOTH party's, it can be done. And, even at the times when it just physically can not, as long as you both know that you're trying, then it's easier to deal with the lack of succeeding. Just don't stop trying.

I'm not sure why anybody would think marriage and getting older and taking on more responsibility is more conducive to sexual relations?!

I don't suspect too many people do. I just know that where there's a will, there's a way. But the WILL, has to be shared by both party's.

Listen... women have sex with a man when she feels "close" to him. A man wants sex to feel "close" to her.

Talk about an over generalized statement. Some women do have sex only when they feel close to a man. Some have sex to try and trap a man. Some have sex because they think they're supposed to. Some use sex for material gain. Some women have sex because they got a itch in their panties that only a high hard one can scratch. And some like to **** just as much, or more, than most men do. This list goes on.

In the end, the women is ultimately in control of the vagina. A women wants a partner and a soul mate. And when she finds that... then she'll open up. But her main intention isn't to get laid.

There are many kinds of women. The one you describe here, is only one of them. They all do, however, ultimately control the vagina. The trick is, making them WANT to share it with us as much as possible.

Women want to achieve orgasm when they have sex..... but they aren't thinking about orgasm every minute of the day like men.

And, if they're NOT achieving an orgasm when they do have sex, they may think of it even less. At least with their current partner.

You're thinking like a man A women can achieve an orgasm and enjoy it without being consumed by it.

Uh, so can a man.

Listen to most of the married guys here..... and previous threads. Married men don't get nearly as much sex as they want. That's a pretty common shared experience

Oh, I know the typical story. I also know the facts are usually one sided. I've seen many cases where it was the man who changed drastically, in any number of ways, and then is somehow surprised that he's been cut back, cut off, or cheated on. The knife cuts both ways. Both sides have a responsibility to try everything they can to make things right, and good. That way, if it all fails, it won't be for lack of trying. And you can walk away knowing you did all you could.

Now, why would a women marry a man she's not sexually compatible with?

I'd say an unexpected pregnancy, security, or monetary gain would be the usual suspects

If we polled husbands and wives separately.... "Are you having enough sex in your relationship?" Yes/No.

How do you think the results of the poll will end?

Most women would say yes, most men would say no.

Then, if the follow up question was, "When you do have sex, is it fulfilling?

Most women would say no, and the men would say yes.

Now, why would a women marry a man who ISN'T providing consistent orgasms? Could it be "love"?

Of course it could. It could also be the other three I listed above.

Because you seem to believe that if a woman is experiencing consistent orgasms.... they'd be having more sex.

Yes, I do. I believe if you can take a lack of orgasms out of the equation, you remove the number one reason I've heard women site for their lack of interest in having sex with their husband.

So why do married men complain about not getting enough?

Because they didn't do enough research BEFORE getting married?

Or why would women marry a man who isn't providing consistent orgasms?

Same answer. Or, again, one of the three listed above.

[DeanCollins]

^^^^^^Epic thread hijack, benskins thread has taken on a life of it's own. His departure indicates that he wishes it would be on page 3 by now. :laugh:

[Riggins77]

Damn, she left, and she's sending me all kinds of really mean text messages, calling me less than a man, and all sorts of stuff. I hate my life. lol

I'd call off the wedding or postpone it. My wife and I fought before we got married but nothing like this. We both were in college trying to finish up school, lost one of our pets too and were worried about getting good jobs. It's a stressful time right now, but her pulling you away from your family and her own mother liking you better than her screams "don't do it".

I don't know all the details about why your dad and her got in a fight, but you'll regret it if you push him or your mom away.

[Bubble Screen]

I didn't know Dr. Phil was a Redskins fan.

[Spaceman Spiff]

You can be right, or you can be happy.

[DeanCollins]

Run forest Run