dcoles11 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I love quick, funny, bar jokes. Here are some of my favorites. Jumper cables walk into a bar, the batender says, "you guys can come in but don't start anything" A soccer ball walks into a bar, then he gets kicked out. A guy with amneshia walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty girl, he says to her, "do I come here often?" A pig walks into a bar and drinks for hours, the bartender says, "hey buddy do you need to know where the bathroom is?" the pig says, "nah i'm going to go wee wee wee wee all the way home" A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink then asks, "how much do I owe ya bartender? the bartender replies, "for you, no charge" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bliz Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A termite walks into a bar and says, "is the bar tender here?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corcaigh Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 http://www.teletastic.com/watch/3828 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RememberOsaka Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A guy walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been ****ing." His Wife says "That's not a pig, that's a duck" The Husband says "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deejaydana Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Here's a timely one (forgive me if it doesn't start w/someone 'walking' into a bar: Did you hear about the new Denny's breakfast offering? It's called the Octoslamm" : 8 eggs, No sausage, & the guy sitting next to you picks up the tab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deejaydana Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?" That was really tasteless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dictator Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I love quick, funny, bar jokes. Here are some of my favorites. Two Duke players walk into a bar. A ref jumps out and hit the bar with a blocking foul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorhead Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". A tissue walks into a bar and the bartender asks he can pour him a drink. Tissue says, Hell no, it'll go right through me! The bartender says, Well, you don't have to get all snotty about it. A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand. A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve food in here. What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 beers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickalino Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A bunch of wild animals hang out in the bar together. When it comes time to pay the tab, they struggle to find enough cash. The deer says, "I'd pay, but I only have a buck" The skunk says, "I'd pay, but all I have is a scent" Finally, the giraffe says, "Don't worry, the high-balls are on me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGoodBits Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Two Duke players walk into a bar. A ref jumps out and hit the bar with a charge. Actually wouldn't that be a blocking foul on the bar? Come on man, get it together! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dictator Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Actually wouldn't that be a blocking foul on the bar? Come on man, get it together! yea yea...I was typing fast. You can shut up! fixed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherick Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, "You want to play "Magic"?" She says, "What's that?" The guy answers, "We go to my house and ****, and then you disappear." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain a lot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $50 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $100 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor, he even sprays the bartender. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $100!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and not only wouldn't you mind, but you'd laugh about it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcoles11 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Here's a timely one (forgive me if it doesn't start w/someone 'walking' into a bar: Did you hear about the new Denny's breakfast offering? It's called the Octoslamm" : 8 eggs, No sausage, & the guy sitting next to you picks up the tab sorry, I misread that completely. I apologize Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Kaos Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A stoner walks in to a bar and says "ouch" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorhead Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 ........... :laugh: China. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnLockesGhost Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A naked man wrapped in cellophane walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sir, I can clearly see you're(your) nuts." ------------------ A piece of rope walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve rope in here." So the piece of rope walks outside and throws himself around and twists himself up. When he walks back in the bar, the bartender says, "Aren't you the piece of rope that was just in here." The piece of rope replies, "No, I'm afraid not." ------------------ A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?" ------------------ A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender say, "We don't serve mushrooms here." Mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy." ------------------ A man walks into a bar. He has a carrot in one ear, a cucumber in the other and two peas stuck up his nose. He looks at the bartender and says, "I'm really not feeling well." The bartender says, "I know what your problem is. You're not eating right." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKINS@THEGOALLINE Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD!?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rigginsbiggins44 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A three legged dog walks into a bar, the bartender looks at his missing leg and asks the dog, "What's that like?" The dog answers him...... "Ruff!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenspandan Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man says to the second, "this place is great, isn't it?" The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 20 floors below. "Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twenty stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls screaming and splats on the pavement 20 stories below. As the first man walks back to the bar, the bartender looks up and says, "you know, you're a real @sshole when you're drunk, Superman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherick Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 ^^^ :rotflmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ccsl2 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Two Duke players walk into a bar. A ref jumps out and hit the bar with a blocking foul. LOL funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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