Henry Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I dated my wife for six years before we got married. We never lived together. We've been married for almost 12 years now. I never really saw the point in living together. There's a difference between a roommate and a family member, and if you don't understand that difference the marriage won't work anyway. I know living together first works for some people, but I always figured if I met a woman I could stand to live with she was the one I should marry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CandaceM23 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I lived in Laurel and he lived in Annapolis. We would spend the majority of the time at my apartment (because it's close to work) and he pretty much lived there, but didn't have distinguished space for his clothes. He did leave the necessities (toofbrush, odorant, razor, shaving cream) at the apartment. But, we just recently shacked up. Began dating in January of last year - moved in together at the end of October. We're living in a house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. All of my stuff is in one bedroom, his bedroom furniture is in another bedroom (the spare bedroom) and he has a man room. I figured that living together isn't a bad idea. I know that I love the kid and have thought about marrying him. And I've heard that you never really know someone until you've lived with them, so after a lot of deliberations, we decided to go for it. We've been in the house since the end of October and we haven't killed each other. So I think that it's a good sign. He has his space and I have my space. I can go downstairs and watch tv, read a book, etc and he'll be off somewhere else in the house watching tv or tinkering with his hunting/fishing stuff. The only real issue that we've had is regarding cleaning. I guess that I have different standards when it comes to cleaning. If I see a speck of dirt on the floor, I pick it up. He will walk by the speck of dirt 492 times before he decides that it's time to pick it up. Also, his man room is where he keeps all of his clothes. Currently his clothes are spread out all over the futon because he's too lazy to put the clothes away. But overall, we've adapted to living together well. We share dinner responsibilities and I'll cook one night and he'll cook the next. He makes breakfast on the weekends and does help clean up the dishes. He's got an obsession with the outdoors so the tv is always on versus or outdoor channel which can get pretty irritating at times. Oh, and when he watches tv he has to camp out on the couch. So the time that I get to spend on the couch is pretty rare .... You know that you love someone but you don't know everything about them. Living together quickly lets you in on all of those little things that you don't know about (habits, secret favorite tv shows, etc). Edit - Adding more stuff .... I was really worried about how our parents would react to us living together, but our families were actually a bit more understanding than I thought. I explained to my parents that I love the guy and that before I thought about spending the rest of my life with him, I wanted to live with him to make sure that we're really compatible. My parents understood and had no issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMK9973 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I think they have done studies that show people that live together and people that don't have the same divorce rate.... Doesn't really matter. The argument that it's "Easier" is a joke. Once you live together and start merging your lives, breaking up is hard to do both emotionally and practically. Filling for a divorce is just one more step to do. Less complicated then splitting bank accounts. As for the "religious people against it" Not sure that's even true anymore. I don't think it's taboo anymore. Come to think of it -I don't understand how people can go through a stress of marriage, moving, and living together for the 1st time all at the same time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bliz Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I am curious to know some opinions, or personal experiences of those who chose to live w/ someone they were dating. This is not to be a religious discussion on if it's right or not morally, rather I'm interested in challenges or positives that people faced. I was discussing this with a friend the other night, as I am not a fan of "shacking up." (using Dr. Laura's phrase for living together). I've thought of it as a cheap way to get out of a relationship(as it's easier to break up than divorce). I'm curious how long people wait before moving in, was it a good idea, what did you struggle with, do you love that you made that choice? Just an all around discussion over the pros and cons of moving in together. (and how long before you did move in together.) And again, I know that the "religious right" crowd on here is more than likely very opposed to the idea, but I'm seriously not looking for the religious chat on the topic. I also wouldn't mind hearing from those who got married fast...such as, you married after only one or a few months type of thing. If you don't live with someone before getting married, you're making a big mistake, I think. It's a necessary step when you're serious with someone who may be "the one". Living together will unavoidably push the relationship one way or the other - you'll realize you cannot live with this person and break up, or you'll get more serious. My wife and I started dating senior year of college. Dated for a little over 2 years before living together, and lived together about another 2 years before getting engaged. Even though we were spending a lot of time together, and sleeping at one or the other's place *most* nights, I was surprised by how much of a lifestyle change it was to live together. The thing about it is, when you live apart a relationship can be much more of a convenience. If there are parts of your life that the other person isn't into, everything from hobbies and sports to drinking and drugs, it's easy to have your "independent George" that hangs out with your friends and does whatever it is they don't like to do, and then when you're together you have your time together. When you live together, you're killing independent George. Opportunities for those things become less frequent or disappear completely, especially if the other person is particularly opposed to whatever it is, and you have a decision to make about what is and is not important to you. As they say, relationships are about compromise. But when you are not living together, you don't have to compromise nearly as much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 The thing about it is, when you live apart a relationship can be much more of a convenience. If there are parts of your life that the other person isn't into, everything from hobbies and sports to drinking and drugs, it's easy to have your "independent George" that hangs out with your friends and does whatever it is they don't like to do, and then when you're together you have your time together. When you live together, you're killing independent George. Opportunities for those things become less frequent or disappear completely, especially if the other person is particularly opposed to whatever it is, and you have a decision to make about what is and is not important to you. I don't know if that's true. When you live together you are under no real obligation to the other person, other than to pay rent and utilities. If things don't work out you can just leave. I would say living together is the real convenience. You can mess around all you want, but at the end of the day you don't have to make any family decisions with the other person. The real struggles in marriage come when you are really, truly on the same team. When you have to move through life as one. Especially when kids enter the equation. Maybe living together is a step in that direction. But from what I've observed it only takes you so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Henry, a pretty important poster told me that you can't make general rules about something as personal and intimate as marriage. You might want to keep that in mind before throwing advice around all willy-nilly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimmySmith Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I have married friends who "shacked up" and those who did not. Those who did seem to have worse marriages and more divorces. This is my personal experience and not a scientific analysis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Henry, a pretty important poster told me that you can't make general rules about something as personal and intimate as marriage. You might want to keep that in mind before throwing advice around all willy-nilly. Read the last line of my first post in this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Read the last line of my first post in this thread. And that exact same reasoning doesn't apply to a general suggestion that people get married later in their lives because...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Come to think of it -I don't understand how people can go through a stress of marriage, moving, and living together for the 1st time all at the same time! Not too hard if you are committed to joining two lives into one. I think Henry explains it well,while keeping in mind it is a agreement between two individuals (and certainly done uniquely by each couple) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elessar78 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I don't think there's anything wrong with shacking up. Issues will come up with cleanliness, money, bills, personality, punctuality, mood, tone of voice, temper, etc whether you two are married or not. Live together because you want to share a living space with that person, not to "test-drive" the relationship. I think test-driving it by living together puts it in the mindset of "let's see if we can live with each other" or "lets see if this causes us to break up". I think the proper mindset should be that "we can work through ANYTHING."—if you are a committed couple. So living apart, living together presents it's own unique challenges but you should just want to work through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 And that exact same reasoning doesn't apply to a general suggestion that people get married later in their lives because...? Are you just looking to fight with people today? I said in this thread I can only speak for myself. I said in the other thread people can only speak for themselves. What are you missing here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Are you just looking to fight with people today?I said in this thread I can only speak for myself. I said in the other thread people can only speak for themselves. What are you missing here? Not looking to fight - just find it strange when someone says that simply giving general advice is an utter impossibility in one thread, then, within a couple of minutes, goes into another thread and writes what he would generally advise couples about living together. Do you think that somehow the age question can't possibly be prefaced with, "Look, I'm not saying this is right for every couple, but, in general, I think couples would benefit from BLANK approach" or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 My wife moved in with me seven months after we became engaged and three months prior to our getting married. At that point there seemed to be no reason to delay the inevitable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drop Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 i was with my wife for 6 years before we got married, and we shacked up for about 3 of them before tying the knot. we actually lived at two or three different places together before we ever got married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I've been living with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years now. We were dating about 6 months before moving in together. Never any problems with it really. We've done fine, other than normal arguments between couples and stuff. I'm glad we moved in together and don't mind living with her at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Not looking to fight - just find it strange when someone says that simply giving general advice is an utter impossibility in one thread, then, within a couple of minutes, goes into another thread and writes what he would generally advise couples about living together. Why? Why wouldn't different subject be approached differently? In any case, I didn't say that. I didn't generally advise anyone to do anything in this thread. I spoke only from personal experience. Do you think that somehow the age question can't possibly be prefaced with, "Look, I'm not saying this is right for every couple, but, in general, I think couples would benefit from BLANK approach" or something? I wouldn't do it. If someone else in that thread does, good for them. I was simply addressing your wonderment at why people in that thread weren't giving you the answer you were looking for. Now somehow you've managed to turn it into a twisted justification for calling me a hypocrite, and have turned several threads into inane debates about posting style. Seriously, what the hell man? You seem to be swinging haymakers all over the place today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Why? Why wouldn't different subject be approached differently? Because what you wrote wasn't about the subject. What you wrote was about the act of offering your personal opinion about a general statement. Then, in this thread, you posted something that sounds exactly like offering your personal opinion about a general statement, only you're saying that it's not, because it's only about you, even though you spoke in generalities. So when you then post that I'm needlessly looking for a fight, I point back to the beginning of this little chain of events and say, "There's a reason why you're the only poster I'm arguing about this with." In any case, I didn't say that. I didn't generally advise anyone to do anything in this thread. I spoke only from personal experience. Problem is, what you wrote sounds an awful lot like your opinion about something that millions of couples do. And if it looks like a rat, and smells like a rat.... I wouldn't do it. If someone else in that thread does, good for them. I was simply addressing your wonderment at why people in that thread weren't giving you the answer you were looking for. Now somehow you've managed to turn it into a twisted justification for calling me a hypocrite, and have turned several threads into inane debates about posting style.Seriously, what the hell man? You seem to be swinging haymakers all over the place today. Wonderment? It wasn't wonderment. They happily volunteered an answer to a question I asked. It was the answer to a slightly different question than what I actually wrote, though, so I tried to clarify in order to get the answer to my exact question from anyone who would happily volunteer a second time. Like I said, there's a reason I'm only arguing about this with you. You've posted several negative things about me that were based on the idea that I won't accept anything that anyone says unless I agree with it. That's not true. What I won't accept is someone telling me that he can't possibly have a personal opinion about some sort of relationship decision, then goes off and posts a personal opinion about some sort of relationship decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ax Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Of the people I've known in my life who got divorced, being unable to "live together" was always part of the usual big three. The other two being sex related issues, and money. All three of these issues can be worked on by living together. And, if there is an unfixable problem, it's easier to end it ASAP, and keep the damage to a minimum. While my wife and I didn't have the piece of paper for the first 7 years, we had the commitment, and that's why we're great together. And, the answer to, "If you had the commitment, why not just get married?" All on me. At the time I felt strongly, that the "act" of marriage, was meaningless. That a simple piece of paper was only symbolic. It meant nothing to me. So, selfishly, it was I that put off making it official. To my wife's credit, she never pushed the issue, even though it was important to her. As you grow, you find that your greatest happiness, comes from the happiness you are able to give, to those you love most. In the end, if it's meant to be, it'll be. Whether you shack up, or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 "There's a reason why you're the only poster I'm arguing about this with."Like I said, there's a reason I'm only arguing about this with you. You're only arguing with me? ... ... If you say so. I give up. Now you will be argument free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdsknbill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 You're only arguing with me? ... ... If you say so. I give up. Now you will be argument free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bliz Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I don't know if that's true. When you live together you are under no real obligation to the other person, other than to pay rent and utilities. If things don't work out you can just leave. I would say living together is the real convenience. You can mess around all you want, but at the end of the day you don't have to make any family decisions with the other person. The real struggles in marriage come when you are really, truly on the same team. When you have to move through life as one. Especially when kids enter the equation. Maybe living together is a step in that direction. But from what I've observed it only takes you so far. You're talking about living together vs. marriage, the part you quoted from my post was about dating, living together vs. living apart. Living together only takes you so far as compared to marriage, I would agree, but my point was to say that there is a big difference, bigger than I ever would have thought at the time, between living apart and spending a lot of time together vs. living together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ljs Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 well thanks everyone for good input. And to Blondie for adding the link to her thread. I'm a very independant person, I love my alone time, and my space. I've always thought I did better at long distant relationships. I'm definitely not one to jump into anything. It is an interesting topic to me, especially since I'll never get legally married. So for me, if I move in w/ somone, it's going to be in a situation as though we are getting married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 so what are you going to do? and is this going to affect your SD trip? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stew Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Ok, Ive lived with my girl for a year now, and at first thought it would be great. Sex all the time, hot meals and laundry done for me.... I didn't realize that the house gets taken over and occupied much faster then you think. When all of your worldly belongings that previously filled your house get religated to two rooms in the entire house does it hit you... this may not be what you bargained for. I also thought the bills would be HALVED but that doesn't happen. It has its good moments, but Shacking up makes you appreciate the single life more. Things you once loved get thrown away for the sake of "less clutter". Once shacking up happens, you can get in trouble for going fishing.... that's right, fishing. Also, your home surround sound theatre is worthless at night, and no it doesn't matter how many levels of living space are between you or how low the volume is, women sleep with sonar on apparently and any vibrations anger them. When you shack up, your pets become "Fischer Price My first baby" and are treated in such a manner which means you have just dropped a rung on the totum pole. Shacking up = Giving in and giving up. No doubt this fantasy has been brought on by your significant other and while it looks good from a distance, remember this old adage... "All that glitters is not gold." Enjoy your freedom before the Warden puts the ball and chain on. I also forgot to tell you, breaking up becomes almost impossible and a great hassle (physically, mentally and financially) if you manage to shoot the guantlet and get that far without falling into the "Make up sex trap"... b/c once you hit that, its like a reset button that brings you back to the beginning of that level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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