Shacking up....

[ljs]

I am curious to know some opinions, or personal experiences of those who chose to live w/ someone they were dating. This is not to be a religious discussion on if it's right or not morally, rather I'm interested in challenges or positives that people faced.

I was discussing this with a friend the other night, as I am not a fan of "shacking up." (using Dr. Laura's phrase for living together). I've thought of it as a cheap way to get out of a relationship(as it's easier to break up than divorce). I'm curious how long people wait before moving in, was it a good idea, what did you struggle with, do you love that you made that choice? Just an all around discussion over the pros and cons of moving in together. (and how long before you did move in together.)

And again, I know that the "religious right" crowd on here is more than likely very opposed to the idea, but I'm seriously not looking for the religious chat on the topic.

I also wouldn't mind hearing from those who got married fast...such as, you married after only one or a few months type of thing.

[Thiebear]

I think shacking up is just fine..

Disclaimer: I've been divorced twice: do the math.

[twa]

I dated for six weeks and was engaged for six weeks,no shacking up,but we did play house for a couple weeks.

We were both are into commitment in a relationship.(even after a quarter century)

[ljs]

I dated for six weeks and was engaged for six weeks,no shacking up,but we did play house for a couple weeks.

We were both are into commitment in a relationship.(even after a quarter century)

And are you still married? if so, how long??

[Duckus]

My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 1 1/2 years now.

Overall, it was a great decision. Downsides? Of course, but way more upsides.

We were in the type of relationship where we spent 95% of nights together. She would come to my place, I would go to her place. There was always a question of where we wanted to sleep. You would have to pick up clothes and move back and forth. And when you are spending 50% of your time at someone else place it annoying. Really annoying. Its nice to be "home." You have none of the things you like, and always have to bring over clothes and things. So now we are both always "home" and its so so so nice.

We also have a two bedroom place, so we have plenty of personal space. That is key. We first lived in a one bedroom, and it was a little tight. I like having a two bedroom.

The thing I had to learn is men and women have a different definition of clean. I am NOT a slob by any imagination, I am actually pretty clean. To a woman though, it is still dirty. At first I would try and fight it and tell her it was clean enough and to stop being crazy.....

Wrong move.

I just learned to bite my tongue in situations like that, and get my ass up and clean (I mean, REALLY clean, not "man" clean) every once in a while.

When you live with each other you learn a ton more about the small, weird, strange things about each other. And you learn to love them....or you go insane. But its better than learning about them too late.

Number one downside. Its harder to be an insane, crazy, all day/night sports fan. I no longer watch the Wizards, Capitals, college football, college basketball every single night of the week. She does not hate sports, but she is not into them. I watch all my NFL game, but now watch only some Wizards, Capitals, etc etc games instead of EVERY single one.

[Rdskn4Lyf21]

I'd say most of my beliefs fall in the "religious right", but I think it's a good idea.

I could be in love with someone, but if they are absolutely impossible to live with, it wouldn't be worth committing the rest of my life for us to be together. That type of situation wouldn't be fair for either of us.

I'm planning to "shack up" once engaged though.

[twa]

And are you still married? if so, how long??

Yes, 25 yrs in July

Of course part of the reason is I'm still too terrified of the nut to leave(she's good with a gun or a blade:silly:)

[ACW]

Wait, you listen to Dr. Laura? That homophobic, lunatic *****?

[ljs]

Wait, you listen to Dr. Laura? That homophobic, lunatic *****?

haha, I used to. When working graveyard I would get bored once in awhile and they had replays of her show. I don't always agree w/ her, but I think she's friggin hilarious. She tells people how it is...

Duckas- how long did you date before moving in?

[Duckus]

Duckas- how long did you date before moving in?

Hmm, about 1 1/2 years I think.

[ljs]

wow, that's a long time to pay rent/bills for two places when you stayed at one or the other.

[Duckus]

wow, that's a long time to pay rent/bills for two places when you stayed at one or the other.

No joke. I think it was closer to 1 year we lived separate, now that I am doing the math. We both had good jobs, but it was not cost effective at all. We both had other roommates as well, so it was not crazy expensive, but not cheap.

My place is so nice now. Two incomes, no huge expenses (no family I mean, we both have student loans, bills, cell phones, etc of course). My stuff is twice as nice.

[MSB 21]

I shacked up w/ my now wife for 5 years.

We got married in '95 and are still together to this day.

I think the real acid test is actually living together and figuring out if you can really get along under a real life scenario 24/7.

[Grumpy Vet]

My sister set me up on a blind date. I went out w/ her once and then she went off to Ohio State to work on her Masters.

We dated long distance for just under 2 years. At 1 1/2 years we became engaged to be married. Shortly after she graduated w/ her Masters we moved in together to make sure we could stand each other "full time". That lasted about 8 weeks and I told her to get out.

Of course it was the night before we were married and I shouldn't see the bride the day before we were wed.

I don't think living together before being married is a bad thing.....I'd encourage it.

Eleven years in August for us...2 little crumsnatchers....and going strong.

GV

[Ax]

The Mrs. and I "Shacked Up" for the first 7 years, and celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this past year.

I'd recommend finding out if you can live with someone before tying the knot for good.

[renaissance]

I have no qualms with couples shacking up so long as they aren't doing so for money reasons. I've seen many a relationship destroyed by this.

I think the space issue is also very important (as others have mentioned) and something that people don't necessarily consider. IMO, anyone who lives together, whether or not they are in a romantic relationship, should have their own "place" within the apt, house, etc. That goes for married couples as well. When you get in an argument and you're both stuck in a tiny one bedroom or studio, life pretty much sucks.

All that said, I would not live with my significant other unless I saw them as someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Otherwise, I don't think the risk is really worth the reward.

[rincewind]

My now wife and I moved in together after dating for 2 years. Granted, I had practically lived with her for a year before that. We lived together 6 years before we got married - been married 2 and half years now. Things seem to have worked out fine.

[mjah]

Don't shack up with someone unless you "know" you're going to spend the rest of your life with them.

What I mean by that is, you'd better be extremely serious about getting married or at least staying together permanently before you move in together. There's nothing worse then living with a woman you have no intention of marrying. Trust me. It's a drag, even though the relationship may be perfectly happy.

You need to "know" she's the right one -- and I put "know" in quotes because you don't really know for sure until you've put up with each other's odd annoying habits, smelled each other's SBDs, etc.

I've shacked up twice, once in the no-marriage situation and once in the pre-marriage situation. It was extremely weird to play house when marriage wasn't on the horizon. I strongly recommend against it.

But if you're on the clear path to getting hitched or you've both made it clear that you'll stay together "forever" without any need for the institution of marriage -- then go for it.

[MissU28]

My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 1 1/2 years now.

Overall, it was a great decision. Downsides? Of course, but way more upsides.

We also have a two bedroom place, so we have plenty of personal space. That is key. We first lived in a one bedroom, and it was a little tight. I like having a two bedroom.

The thing I had to learn is men and women have a different definition of clean. I am NOT a slob by any imagination, I am actually pretty clean. To a woman though, it is still dirty. At first I would try and fight it and tell her it was clean enough and to stop being crazy.....

Wrong move.

I just learned to bite my tongue in situations like that, and get my ass up and clean (I mean, REALLY clean, not "man" clean) every once in a while.

When you live with each other you learn a ton more about the small, weird, strange things about each other. And you learn to love them....or you go insane. But its better than learning about them too late.

Number one downside. Its harder to be an insane, crazy, all day/night sports fan. I no longer watch the Wizards, Capitals, college football, college basketball every single night of the week. She does not hate sports, but she is not into them. I watch all my NFL game, but now watch only some Wizards, Capitals, etc etc games instead of EVERY single one.

This post is VERY similar to my living situation.

I met my boyfriend in '04 after I graduated college when I was visiting my bro in San Diego, but wouldn't say was "with" him until the end of '06. I was living in VA, he was in Cali, and I decided to move when the school year was over.

I initially planned to stay with him until I found a job then find another place... but once I got out here (June of '07) we just didn't see the point. When I first moved out here, he was living with this nasty ass dude and we spent 99% of our time either in Dennis's bedroom or down the street at his best friend's house. And this was a TINY ass room. Not a master bedroom. We figured....if we can survive in a tiny ass room together, we can survive in a larger living space.

I got a job down in Oceanside, and he was SO ready to leave that dude's house (after the dude went out into the middle of the street and put a gun to his head then ended up in the loony bin, yeah we were ready to leave), so we found an apartment and moved down. We were originally in the disgusting desert of Murrieta, and if you have ever been there, you know the ONLY good thing about the place is cost of living.

So our first apartment was a 1 bedroom/1 bath....we moved out of that last July and right into another apartment in the same complex- this time a 2 bed/2 bath. That extra space is soooooooooo much better. I have my own closet (we had to share one in our other place, and I have waaaaaay too many shoes and stuff to share a closet) AND our own bathrooms. That is the best part, in my opinion. I have so much crap, so I get the master bathroom- now I don't have to worry about his little hairs from shaving and nasty "man" bathroom smells;)

Pretty much the ONLY thing we argue about is cleaning. But it's the opposite of Duckus...HE is the clean one, and I'm more of the slob. I had a nanny and a maid growing up, so I'm not the best at cleaning. Some days I'll get all-gungho and clean like crazy, but he often has to remind me to put my dish in the dishwasher or put things back where I found them. I do like things to be clean, I just usually like to clean on Sundays or something, and he cleans as he goes. I procrastinate.

Anyway, living together has been good. It's nice to have someone next to me every night and someone to comfort me when needed. We split everything in half, so we don't really argue about money, and I was all for him getting NFL Sunday Ticket bc I spend the entire day Sundays on the couch with him. It's also nice having our personal space...his closet is in the spare bedroom and we have two tvs for when I want to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 and he wants to watch Iron Chef or Hell's Kitchen(seriously, what is up with dudes and cooking shows?)

[Blackest Eyes]

This should be interesting...

I have been dating my girlfriend since sophomore year in high school. We both looked for colleges together, not to go to the same college, but just to help each other out. There was one school that had the programs both her and I wanted to be in. She went to the school for music education. I stayed at community college to get gen eds out of the way and save a little money. I continued looking at colleges but did not want to go across the country to go to school. I ended up at the same school as my girlfriend, yeah this was one cool part about the school, but it was close to home, affordable and the program has grown significantly.

Anyhow, last year I was in a house with a few friends and one of our roommates was moving out and we needed someone to take his place. My friends asked my girlfriend if she would move in with us. After much debate between her and I, she asked her parents and after a ton of deliberation between her parents, they decided to let her move in. I was a bit apprehensive at first because she is kind of clingy to me and I explained to her that I would want my space. Fortunately she understood and we never had any huge issues. This year we moved into another house because our one roommate was a psycho hose beast and the others were done with school. Everything has been great, but I think that partly has to do with the fact that we communicate very well with one another and had been together for 4 1/2 years before we moved in together. I'm probably gonna end up marrying the girl but if I hadn't been with her so long, I think the living together experiment may have failed miserably.

[USS Redskins]

everyone is different... probably smart to find out if you can live together before commiting... i didnt but sometimes wish we did. marriage can be an awful lot of work sometimes....

[Springfield]

I've been "shacked up", although I've never called it that, for almost 5 years now. My girlfriend and I were dating for almost 1 year before we decided to move in together. As the circumstances had it, she had just moved into her own apartment and I was living with my folks still. I was paying rent to my parents but spent 90% of my time (when not at work) at my girlfriends house. It only made sense.

I personally couldn't be any more happy about our situation. It has let us learn a whole lot more about each other as far as our own living conditions. We now know that if we were to get married, living situations wouldn't be a problem.

So I think it's a good idea. Seeing as how marriage is such a failure these days, it makes a whole lot of sense. Think of it as a "trial run" before the "real thing"

[ldysknzfn1]

Oh yay..something I can relate to. I lived w/my man for 18 years before getting married. I met him in 1983...started dating in 1984...moved in w/him in 1985....had kids in 1986 & 1989...got married in 2002.

I'm quite a bit younger than him and I always felt I was too young to get married when we first met. I don't know why I felt that way..but I did. We were happy with the way the relationship was working at the time so we just continued to live together.

What precipitated the marriage was the fact that we promised his mother several times before she died that we would eventually get married, so 8 mos. after her death, we made good on that promise. She told us, kids deserved parents that were married. While getting everything done before the ceremony, I found out that my husband to be was still married to his first wife(yikes!). I assumed they had gotten divorced long ago..they hadn't lived as husband & wife since 1973...and he always called her his "ex". So when I asked him for his divorce decree to show the judge for the marriage license, he says this..."I don't have it"..so I asked him..."does she have it then?"..he says.."no". So I looked at him like he had 3 heads and he said.."we never got divorced, neither one of us wanted to pay for the divorce". I thought..."oh for the love of God..you cheap ****". We had to go to NY and get a copy of the marriage certificate(cheaper than having the lawyer who filed the divorce papers to get it)to prove he was married so that he could get a divorce :doh:...no proof of marriage..no divorce...Imagine that!. So I lived in sin for 18 years w/a married man and had no clue...how righteous was that? :laugh:

Anyhoo...we got married on Nov 2, 2002 and we've lived happily ever after. I don't regret it..if I had to do it again, I would ask if he was divorced before moving in :laugh:. What an embarrassing hassle that whole thing was. And his daughter from the marriage actually got mad b/c we were getting married! I couldn't believe it! We had asked her to go city hall and get the copy of the marriage certificate and send it to us hoping to save some time and money..she refused. I thought...Good God the man has been gone for over 30 yrs and you still hope your parents will reconcile? :doh: Ok..I'm done. Living together first has it's place..you tend to find out alot about the person before getting married. Our marriage has been better for it. Never hurts to make sure..:laugh:

[Blondie]

A very similar thread just a few months ago.

http://www.extremeskins.com/showthread.php?t=250289

[CaptChaos86]

I lived with my ex for a year and although my family was very against it im glad i did it. We were engaged and once we lived together i guess we realized we couldnt stand being around each other 24/7. There were alot of positives that came from it, but i think living with her first saved me alot of $$$.