Your favorite one-liners, comebacks and quips

[DarrellsMyHero28]

So mean...

[motorhead]

i always like "that's what she said." it's best when it's said after things that don't make sense as sexual innuendos

LOL I love that too.!:laugh:

[cathartic-j]

I always appreciate hearing a "no, thanks!" from someone who just got flipped off.

[DeanCollins]

I always appreciate hearing a "no, thanks!" from someone who just got flipped off.

or "damn, there's another person that thinks I'm #1"

I always liked- "I knew that you were no genius, but I really thought that you would get this". works great on women

[skinsfan07]

You gotta have balls to do this one.....

MAN: Hey are you and animal lover?

GIRL: yes of course

MAN: Would you kiss a rabbit between the ears? *pulls out both pockets*

I have used that once, my face hurt afterwords

[aszumilo]

"ya mama" has to be my all time favorite. so simple, yet so effective. and it works no matter how you say it: ya mama, your mother, ya mammy. when all else fails, i say "ya mama."

I usually reply to mama jokes with "I don't have a mom, me and my dad share yours".

[DButz65]

I love it when someone asks me if i have any kids, i'll say ...

"none that i now of"

I get very strange looks, then just tell them im joking around and dont have kids :laugh:

[Titaw]

I like to keep it simple.

When someone says something that is blatantly obvious, I like to reply with a sarcastic "Really!"

People always tend to laugh.

I have a vast array of comebacks, that tend to follow the topic of discussion. The best one are when you twist real life topics to the topic of discussion.

[Ax]

Some guy says to you, "**** you!"

You reply, "**** me, and you wouldn't go back to dogs!"

Or to a woman, "**** me, and you'll go home and punch your old man right in the mouth!"

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Someone asks, "Who the **** are you?"

You reply, "If that dog wouldn't have beat me over the fence, I'd have been your daddy!"

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A good one to mess with friends who are just trying to being nice to you.

They ask, "Would you like something to drink?"

You reply, "Did I ask for something to drink?"

Or, "Do you want a sandwich?"

"Did I ask for one?"

Most people are stunned by the rudeness of it, and it can get a good variety of responses. The nicer the person is, the more effect it usually has.

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For females. You hear a guy say he'd like to, "get in her/your pants!"

You say, "Why, did you piss/**** in yours?"

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Someone hurts themselves, not severely, in your presence. While they are "ouching" and cussing, you calmly say, "I didn't feel a thing."

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When you see and good friend you haven't seen in a while, you say hello, shake his hand, and ask,

"So, how's your wife and my kid?"

[zoony]

Ax wins the thread :laugh:

*my fav... 'If I want your opinion I'll give it to you"

[Capt. Kaos]

Someone hurts themselves, not severely, in your presence. While they are "ouching" and cussing, you calmly say, "I didn't feel a thing."

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my favorite thing to say in this situation is "dont do that....... again"

[nonniey]

After taking a sharp turn in my Yaz (Old Soviet version of a Jeep) my boss chided me saying that he had flipped a vehicle three times in his career. I Responded --- it a good thing you're not driving.

[edgun88]

"That's what she said"

At the right moment, it can be hilarious. :laugh:

[China]

I'm a non-religious person so I enjoy when someone is really angry and just going off on you to say "Jesus loves you." People usually are dumbstruck by that one. Works especially well if the person throwing the fit is a devout Christian.

Alternately, depending on the person and situation saying "Satan loves you" works well too.

Or, you can just keep it simple: "Bite me!"

[Ax]

*my fav... 'If I want your opinion I'll give it to you"

Yeah, I use that one quite a bit too.

After taking a sharp turn in my Yaz (Old Soviet version of a Jeep) my boss chided me saying that he had flipped a vehicle three times in his career. I Responded --- it a good thing you're not driving.

Excellent! :laugh:

For the long haired guys - Someone says, "I can't tell if you're a boy or a girl!"

You reply, "Well why don't you come here and suck my dick so we can find out!"

[Koolblue13]

backfired on me once. Said that to my freshman year roommate early in the year. Didn't realize at the time his mom died of cancer when he was a freshman in high school.

As a representative of the Mom died of Cancer club, I love the comebacks I can conjure with this one. I win every Mom joke there is.

hahahaha, good one ... racist.

I've got a nasty habit of bashing Italians. I think I get it from my dearly departed racist little Irish Grandmother. She was a real gem. I also like to bash the Irish, despite being Irish myself.

Hung like an Irishman, unfortunitly. That always gets a chuckle.

When told how bad smoking is for me, I reply like this.

That reminds me of a story. This little kid is sitting on the curb eating a bag of candy, when this old guy comes over and says"hey kid, do you know how old I am?"

"no mister, how old are you"

"I'm 80"

"so"

"well I didn't get to be this old while eating candy"

The little kid replies"Oh yeah, well my Grandfather is 102"

"well, did he eat candy?"

The kid says"I don't know, but he minded his own ****ing business"

Use that one and it's win every time. I've said it in my sweetest, most sincere voice to 80 year old ladies and gotten big laughs. It's all in the delivery though.

[SkinsOrlando]

If someone asks me to do something I feel is either a. stupid or b. really stupid.

Ex: "You should go try that"

My response is "I'll get right to it after my moon landing"

But my favorite is whenever someone starts to use the term "we".

"What is this we you speak of, you have a mouse in your pocket?"

[Heavens Safety 21]

I tend to use whateve a lot or I could give two sh**s...those are my favorite ones!

[Koolblue13]

"Hey that's great" in the most sarcastic voice possible works.

Good movie one liners.

"What did you do Ray?"-Ghostbusters

"Spalding, get your foot off the boat"-Caddyshack

"They can't all be chocolates kid"- Bad Santa

[Capt. Kaos]

Favorite movie one-liners:

You gonna do something or just stand there and bleed - (Tombstone)

You'll get nothing and like it - (Caddyshack)

There are a bunch more but those are my 2 favorites.

As far as real life stories, wasnt mine but I was there.....

Walking down the street with a few friends and their girlfriends, A random guy across the street yells "hey baby, why don't you come over here and sit on my face" My buddies reply, simple, yet effective "Why? Is your nose bigger than your ****?"

We laughed so hard we couldnt walk!!

[OVCChairman]

"go fly a kite"

I work in automotive, so we get a lot of.... strange requests... and every time it happens and we talk about it i always say "i'd tell him to go fly a kite"

[Koolblue13]

My buddies Dad walks into bathrooms and yells "is this were all the dicks hang out?"

[dcnativenerd]

"I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps."

"He was drafted"

(Favorite line from MASH)

[cannonshogs44]

It never fails, when hanging out with guys someone always asks me...Hey, you been getting any P**** lately? and my reply....Why? you missing some? I aways get that deer in the headlights look.

[zoony]

You'll get nothing and like it - (Caddyshack)

:notworthy

one of my all time fav's, I use it all the time. I can't believe someone else uses that same line