Raising A Kid That's Not Yours...

[PeterMP]

To a certain extent you sound like you are describing my youngest brother. Growing up he was a complete wuss IMO. He constantly got picked on by my younger brother who is his older brother. I'm sure he must have gotten picked on by kids in school (he is 6 years younger than me so we were never in the same school). I taught him how to play sports and even how to pitch because even as a kid I thought it was odd, and it would help. He turned into a pretty good baseball player (he pitched and started at 3B for his HS team), but it really didn't change anything. Off the field he was never more assertive. Today he as a BS in English, teaches, and has a very nice and pretty girl friend. He is still the most laid back non-confortational person you'll ever meet (in a family where everybody else is pretty loud and confortational). Some people are just that way, and there isn't much you can do about it. It doesn't mean there life is going to be messed up. Just that they are going to take a different route.

[Leonard Washington]

MSF probably has the best answer.

[RLeVan]

Ellis, I think you need to have a serious sit-down with your girlfirend. No, this isn't something that is going to be resolved in a couple of nights but you need to find your limits as well as hers. You have a certain perspective in terms of raising a child that differ from hers apparently. That's not a bad thing, but unless you talk about them, you'll still feel distant from August. Case in point, your topic title.

You need to ask yourself if you want to raise this child from here on out as if it were your own. If you can overcome that personal obstacle, and it is a very difficult one to overcome, than let your girlfriend know that you would like to parent him as such. As much as we would like to think, parenting isn't about creating friendships and treating adolescents as equals, it's about passing on knowledge that you have learned and preparing them for the world ahead. There are good times and bad times.

Personally, I would attempt to establish guidelines with the mother rather than August. There is nothing worse than disciplining a child for bad behavior only to be trumped by the birth mother even though she knows the behavior was wrong.

It's my impression that August sees you more as a friend than as an authority figure. The only way you'll be able to change that is by establishing boundaries with your girlfriend as to what you can and cannot do. Yes, you can be his friend, but he also needs to recognize and learn from actions that are to his detriment. Best of luck to you, and keep August's best interests in mind.

[The Sisko]

Ahhh, Leonard Washington beat me to it. However, he forgot to add that if you follow MSF's advice, your kid will end up being that frustrated loner that the neighbor always ends up being interviewed on the news saying "He was just quiet. Sort of a loner....just always kept to himself".

August has a friend in the apartment building he lives in but it's a girl. I have no idea what they do for fun.

Looks like you don't have to worry about him being gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.

OK, on to the advice. I was much like August when I was a kid. I did play with the neighborhood kids a lot but most of my time was spent watching TV or reading books. I looked different than the other kids, sucked at all sports and as a result, I started getting picked on by bullies in the 3rd grade. I'd never say anything about it though-I just took it. At some point another kid decided I'd had enough and came to my rescue. After that the bullies didn't bother me much anymore because we became close friends.

Later, during my 5th grade year something just changed. I remember being picked last (like always) for kickball. But, this time something just clicked and I just decided as the ball was being served to me that I was going to launch it into the stratosphere....and I did! From then on, I realized that I could do a lot of things that I previously thought I couldn't. Later, in Jr. High School I wrestled and would have played basketball if the two seasons were at different times. In the end, I turned out pretty normal.:twitch:

My advice. Take it easy on him and don't try to force things. Take an interest in him as he is and periodically try to gently introduce him to new and different things....not just sports but anything new and different that he might find interesting. When you do try to introduce him to sports, consider individual sports as opposed to team sports...might I suggest wrestling? (Ok, so I'm biased) One way or the other, hopefully he'll gain new interests and friends from doing those things. Perhaps you may even be one of them.

I would get him checked out for ADD though. That could be a problem. OTOH, it could be something else like depression. You need to figure this one out one way or the other.

Finally, his dad is cool. He has a good relationship with August and he spins house music. What more is there?

[909997]

Is there a YMCA close? There are so many activities for children.....groups and other wise........along with a nuturting environment. Soccer is a good sport to begin this trek. Many Y's teach karate also.

Do you and he do things also? Just you and him? Can you have him "help" you do something?

IF you and mom are serious.....also talk with her about getting involved in his school activities. We LOVE having dads at school.

taking a feminine kidd to a YMCA is a bad idea:silly:

[Blackest Eyes]

make him watch some old ECW videos. Kidding.

My mom used to date a guy when I was about 9 and he was the biggest d-bag to me. Granted, he never really had any experience dealing with children but good lord. My advice is to treat him like you would treat your own son. Try to get him engaged in activities that have interest to him...other than video games and pokemon and LOTR. Ask him to watch a football game with you or something. Pretty much any time you spend with him will be valuable to forming a relationship...which is probably why i didnt like my moms ex because he did absolutely nothing with me and made no effort. Anyway...good luck with it man. It is great that you are making an effort to be a good role model. If only more people did that.

[Siven]

With a name like August, no wonder he gets picked on.

That's why I'm naming my kid Spineripper, nobody is gonna **** with him.

[LoudMouth12thMan]

Hey Ellis, good luck man that sounds like a complicated issue. You might think about getting him involved in a church youth program. There aren't any bullies as a general rule and I'm sure he'll meet kids that share the same interests that he does. Typically in youth programs there are a variety of sports activities that the kids can get involved in. Just a thought. The key I think at his age is keeping him around a core group of good kids for as long as you can. Moving the kid back and forth and back and forth is probably one major reason he gravitates towards adults and girls b/c they're more excepting from the get go. I'll pray for you guys and good luck. Tell him Lord of the Rings is cool but only to dorks and people with excess facial and body hair. :laugh: ...kidding just kidding I have all three DVD's

HTTR

[LoudMouth12thMan]

Hey Ellis, good luck man that sounds like a complicated issue. You might think about getting him involved in a church youth program. There aren't any bullies as a general rule and I'm sure he'll meet kids that share the same interests that he does. Typically in youth programs there are a variety of sports activities that the kids can get involved in. Just a thought. The key I think at his age is keeping him around a core group of good kids for as long as you can. Moving the kid back and forth and back and forth is probably one major reason he gravitates towards adults and girls b/c they're more excepting from the get go. I'll pray for you guys and good luck. Tell him Lord of the Rings is cool but only to dorks and people with excess facial and body hair. :laugh: ...kidding just kidding I have all three DVD's

HTTR

[Kosher Ham]

I don't know where to start with this one.

Once a woman is willing to let you be a part of her child's life, you need to make an impact. That's your responsibility as a man, not just a boyfriend.

Are you planning on a real future with this woman ? If so your influence is important.

I need to read the rest of the thread, because I guess there is some good advice, and some random stuff which may or may not help your cause.

I did see that Blondie responded and read the first sentence. I saw YMCA. Yeah... not a good idea. From living in DC I learned that the "Y" was a good place to meet men, and I didn't hear this from women.

I will add on later, once I read it all.

[Kosher Ham]

Legos! And he can't do it. he gets frustrated. And then wants everyone else to do it for him.

Problem #1 : You are dating a girl that doesn't like football...Thats an issue, and you should as a diehard fan at least find a girl that knows and understands the game.

#2 : August needs a nickname. Is his middle name September ? Seriously though, the name doesnt help.

#3 : Baby's Daddy is a softy (in nice terms). He may be a great guy, but if you plan to be with her, why do you want to keep seeing the guy ? Get him out of the picture.

#4 : Bang is right and wrong. Soccer is great, but if you suck, you suck. Martial arts so much more intense and the weak quit or step up. So the level of challenge is raised. The crappy guy on your team is always the crappy guy. Doesn't mean he isnt a good guy... but kinda of the outcast.

#5 : Boy Scouts is a pretty good idea (Larry).

I will re-read this later. Because there is more.

[Siven]

Problem #1 : You are dating a girl that doesn't like football...Thats an issue, and you should as a diehard fan at least find a girl that knows and understands the game.

#2 : August needs a nickname. Is his middle name September ? Seriously though, the name doesnt help.

#3 : Baby's Daddy is a softy (in nice terms). He may be a great guy, but if you plan to be with her, why do you want to keep seeing the guy ? Get him out of the picture.

#4 : Bang is right and wrong. Soccer is great, but if you suck, you suck. Martial arts so much more intense and the weak quit or step up. So the level of challenge is raised. The crappy guy on your team is always the crappy guy. Doesn't mean he isnt a good guy... but kinda of the outcast.

#5 : Boy Scouts is a pretty good idea (Larry).

I will re-read this later. Because there is more.

The kid doesn't have to be incrediably athletic to be great at soccer. Soccer is about distributing the ball. Teach him to to pass well and he can be really good.

[gbear]

At 9, he might be young for the boy scouts, but is there a cub scout troup in your area he could join? We'll leave off what the boy scouts did for my purity test scores or it might frighten off some of those looking for a way to teach virtue.

Seriously, the scouts is a good way to get social interaction, physical activity, and a skill set that may come in handy later.

For the most part though, I tend to think the biggest favor a parent can do for a kid is to let them be passionate about something. Whatever he's passionate about (providing it's healthy) should be encouraged. If he's into the lord of the rings, try taking him to the Rennaisance Festival or an SCA event. Maybe take him camping or hiking. Try to relate to what he loves and then bridge it to other learning. Most kids that age like sword fighting and if he's into the lord of the rings, maybe fencing?

I know you probably can't stand LOTR any more if he's watching it daily, but don't down it to him if he really cares about it. I've just seen too many kids that grow to be totally apathetic because nothing they enjoyed was supported, so why care? Yes, LOTR seems silly to an adult to spend time day after day thinking about and watching...but here we are day after day on a Redskins webpage...care to guess how silly my wife thinks that is? Of course it's branched out to where I spend most of my time on the site in the tailgate talking about other things. Let him explore his own passions even if they seem wimpy to you or not what you would pick...then try to stear the natural expansion of interests in a way you can share (if you're going to be there for the long haul).

[Larry]

taking a feminine kidd to a YMCA is a bad idea:silly:

[Ax]

I think it all goes back to where Henry started. More details of your commitment to this relationship might help.

If the father and mother are taking an active role in the kids life, whether you agree with their efforts or not, it's frankly none of your business. Their authority will always supercede yours. While your opinion can be expressed when asked, it will always start off as "plan C." Marriage would increase your say in things, but it can be a very difficult thing when, "You're not my/his father!" :2cents:

[InsaneBoost]

Take him to a Redskins game, that should break him quick.

[Henry]

#2 : August needs a nickname. Is his middle name September ? Seriously though, the name doesnt help.

One of my friends named his kid August. He calls him Goose.

[Blackest Eyes]

One of my friends named his kid August. He calls him Goose.

and his best friends name is September but everyone calls him Maverick?

[Henry]

and his best friends name is September but everyone calls him Maverick?

As long as I get to be Iceman, it's all good.

[Die Hard]

How long have you been dating this girl, and how long have you known this kid?

Depending on the answer, I'd suggest the best route for you right now is leading by example. Give him a positive strong male role model. If his dad is coming back into his life that should help too.

But for you to take a stronger hand in this kid's life, well, depends on how strong and long-term your relationship with the mom is.

Henry hit the nail on the head here.

If you are in it for the long-term... and there is an expectation that you're both entering into a serious relationship and she wants to be part of the family and help raise her son.... then she also has to respect your opinions and methods in raising her son.

If she's going to resent you about the way you do things.... like "Don't talk to my son like that...." or "he's my son, etc etc"... or "I don't want MY son....."

Then I have to seriously wonder if that's the kind of relationship you want to put yourself into long-term.

[Die Hard]

The kid doesn't have to be incrediably athletic to be great at soccer. Soccer is about distributing the ball. Teach him to to pass well and he can be really good.

Soccer isn't about distributing the ball :laugh: Soccer at the youth level is about the real athletic kids running around the field getting the ball.... deking everyone out and scoring all the goals for his team

The fastest kids get the ball... the better kids can strip the ball from any smaller or less athletic kid... and passing sucks at the youth level... so kids hog it

[Larry]

A week at Disney. Cures everything. Take me.

[Ax]

A week at Disney. Cures everything. Take me.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Six Flags!

Support The Redskins!!!

[Tastes Like Chicken]

I too was going to suggest camping. Does August like to swim? Maybe join a local gym with a big pool setup. Take him to the beach and get him in the ocean. Kids have a blast swimming and don't realize its great exercise, and are bound to interact with other kids. Go get a frisbee and go to the park. Take him fishing. Take him to the video arcade, but get him to play the basketball game with the moving rim. If he gets a kick out of it, it will open the door for you to get a basketball hoop at home, or just to take him to the park and shoot hoops there. Get one of his buddies and go to a county/state fair. I think this kid is kind of stuck in a fantasy world. LOTR, video games etc, but if you open his eyes to the real world, he'll see that theres a lot of fun to be had as well. Just some ideas, I'll try to think of some more.

[GrapeApe]

My five-year-old nephew is really into swimming pools. (Can't swim. Doesn't want to learn. But really likes the pool.) Take him to a pool full of kids.

I was going to mention a pool.

My daughter (6) loves swimming and diving. Shes taking diving classes at VT. I think she likes it because she can out swim and out dive most 10 year olds.

Just find his niche. Don't force it. And work with him on whatever he picks up, even if it's something you don't like (gymnastics, great sport for young kids, balance and strength).