Raising A Kid That's Not Yours...

[Ellis]

Alright, this is a tough one and I'm wondering where some of you parents might be of help...

I have a girlfriend with an 8 year old kid named August. August is not the most social butterfly that most kids are. He has no problems talking to people or making friends at school. Problem is... he's somewhat of a pushover because he's so NICE. He can get easily picked on and he doesn't know how to fight back because there's not a ounce of aggression in him. He gets that from his mom and I think it's because he never really had a male role model to look up to.

As for me...? If he was my kid, I would have taught him to stick up for himself a looooooooooong time ago. I would have had him in competitive sports to learn teamwork and gain friends... and a spine. To be frank, he's kind of a nerd. And I want to break him from that while he's young so that his teen years are not difficult.

Unfortunately, August got a tough deal. Originally, my girlfriend wanted him in private school. that didn't work out because one bully kept picking on him and the school wouldn't do anything about it. So she took him out and now he's in public school. He had to make all new friends and as everyone knows, when you're the new kid, you're on the bottom of the totum pole. And to top that off, my girlfriend moved a few times so he lost his friends in the neighborhoods too.

Because he's had to make new friends over and over again, he's completely in love with Lord Of The Ring movies and video games. He only likes hanging out with adults and girls.

My fear is that whatever I may do to try and get him outside playing is that I'll offend my girlfriend. So I'm trying to not to push my values on the situation. She hates competitive sports--especially football--and doesn't want him to do it. The only thing I've convinced her that was ok in her eyes was martial arts. That way, he learns discipline AND can learn to defend himself.

To anyone that has dated a girl with a kid... what do ya do?

Is it right to force a kid to participate in sports if they're not totally interested?

[Corcaigh]

Find him some friends. Arrange for him to hang out with classmates he likes.

[McMetal]

Glaring by its omission is any mention of The Father.

Where is he? Is he alive? In the picture?

That changes everything...

[Ellis]

Actually the father is a very cool guy. His name is Steve and he sees August everyday.

He wasn't around for a lot of years in the beginning but now he plays a pivotal role in the kids life. They have a great relationship.

the problem I have with the father is that he's kind of the same way. He does his own thing and spends too much time DJ'ing/spinning house music. If I had any input, I'd tell him to spend more time with his son. But that's neither here nor there.

[Bang]

I'd say sports would be the way to go. He may not like the idea at first, but that'll change.

Do something easy, like soccer. Every kid can play soccer. All they have to do is run up and down and kick it when it comes to them. Even if they only kick the ball twice the whole year, they will be among peers and will make friends.

As far as teaching him to stick up for himself,, it's hard to force a kid to have a backbone if they don't want to. But sports are a great place for a kid to discover that he can do things he didn't think he could do. Good for confidence.

Sign him up for karate classes. Most kids think it's pretty cool to begin with, so they're hip to the idea, and pretty soon he won't be such a pushover. He'll probably still be nice, but he likely won't be taken advantage of anymore. Also if you get into a good dojo, the sensei will also act as a positive male role model. (assuming it's a guy.)

~Bang

[Henry]

How long have you been dating this girl, and how long have you known this kid?

Depending on the answer, I'd suggest the best route for you right now is leading by example. Give him a positive strong male role model. If his dad is coming back into his life that should help too.

But for you to take a stronger hand in this kid's life, well, depends on how strong and long-term your relationship with the mom is.

[Vinnick]

I agree with Henry.

But, maybe suggest to his Mother the sports thing. If he's good at something like a sport, other kids will flock to him. Plus, it will teach him to fight back alittle. As long as he learns its not ok to become the bully.

[Blondie]

Is there a YMCA close? There are so many activities for children.....groups and other wise........along with a nuturting environment. Soccer is a good sport to begin this trek. Many Y's teach karate also.

Do you and he do things also? Just you and him? Can you have him "help" you do something?

IF you and mom are serious.....also talk with her about getting involved in his school activities. We LOVE having dads at school.

[redskinsfan17]

give him some pokemon cards that'll give him a backbone

But seriously I was a pushover until I started playing football in 7th grade. They put me at defensive end and after I got the hang of killing anyone that tried to come on my side, no one picked on me anymore. I got respect from my team mates and peers which helped my confidence of making new friends.

I have moved 10 times in my life. The longest I've stayed in one school was about 3 years.

It'll be hard on him, but you need to push his limits. he'll eventually flip and start sticking up for himself.

[Ellis]

I think the kid has serious ADD.

He had this Lego castle from his birthday that sat for a month without ever being finished. His father started it and never finished it. One day, I figured it would be a great time to do something with him. So I started building the final part of the castle and I would ask him to find all the pieces that looked like the one I needed from the pile. Just ONE piece. He would last maybe 10 seconds--not exaggerating--and then be off in his own world playing with his game boy. It was extremely frustrating.

The video games should be off limits in the summer time, if I had it my way. But it was raining that day, so it wasn't a big deal.

August played soccer one summer but his attention span is terrible. It was one of the only sports my girlfriend would let him play. If she had it her way, he'd do yoga his whole life. And I'm not kidding. I have nothing against yoga though. At least it's something other than video games. I talked to her about martial arts which was actually her idea. I'm all about it.

The more I hang out with August, the more I see his father in him. That kind of bugs me. His father took forever to get his **** together. He has a decent job now in construction but outside of that, I don't see him being all that great.

[Larry]

Take him to a football game. In Philly.

OK, seriously. One idea that occurs to me is the Boy Scouts.

[Ellis]

Do you and he do things also? Just you and him? Can you have him "help" you do something?

The problem is... I can't relate to him. That's a dynamic of the relationship I'm trying to work on.

All he wants to talk about is Lord of the Rings. Or Pokemon video games. I'm trying to get him interested in other things that involve talking to kids his age. Productive things like sports activities.

[Ellis]

Take him to a football game. In Philly.

OK, seriously. One idea that occurs to me is the Boy Scouts.

Philly?:laugh: I may want him to toughen up but I don't want to subject him to that BS. hehehe...

Boy Scouts is something I've considered. Haven't mentioned it to Tina yet though. I know he's too young to be subjected to it yet... but boy scouts is where I learned about cigarettes and beer. But I'd never tell Tina that. There are some things in life that men must do that women will never understand. We do dumb stuff... and it makes us into better people... eventually.:laugh:

[Larry]

The problem is... I can't relate to him. That's a dynamic of the relationship I'm trying to work on.

All he wants to talk about is Lord of the Rings. Or Pokemon video games. I'm trying to get him interested in other things that involve talking to kids his age. Productive things like sports activities.

"Helping" "Dad" can be a great thing. It gives the two of you an excuse to be together, and talking, and so forth. Maybe he can help you change the oil in the car. Or build something. (Anything. Whether you need one or not.)

Buy something that needs assembly, and give it to him.

[Larry]

My five-year-old nephew is really into swimming pools. (Can't swim. Doesn't want to learn. But really likes the pool.) Take him to a pool full of kids.

[Henry]

The problem is... I can't relate to him. That's a dynamic of the relationship I'm trying to work on.

All he wants to talk about is Lord of the Rings. Or Pokemon video games. I'm trying to get him interested in other things that involve talking to kids his age. Productive things like sports activities.

Heh heh. I've got a kid like that.

Seriously? His mom has to do this. She's gotta decide that his love of movies and games is unhealthy. If she doesn't have a problem with it, well, you can't. August is her kid. You have to respect her decisions about him.

My suggestion to you (and you may have already tried this) is to get into Lord of the Rings. Watch it with him. Discuss the finer points. Be his LOTR buddy. Forge a relationship with him based on HIS interests. Then he might be open to yours. Maybe.

Otherwise you're gonna fight an uphill battle you won't win. Relationships are two way streets, even with kids. If you are always trying to get him to do your stuff, you'll just be this weird guy who always wants him to do boring things he doesn't like.

[Ellis]

"Helping" "Dad" can be a great thing. It gives the two of you an excuse to be together, and talking, and so forth. Maybe he can help you change the oil in the car. Or build something. (Anything. Whether you need one or not.)

Buy something that needs assembly, and give it to him.

Legos! And he can't do it. he gets frustrated. And then wants everyone else to do it for him.

[Ellis]

Heh heh. I've got a kid like that.

Seriously? His mom has to do this. She's gotta decide that his love of movies and games is unhealthy. If she doesn't have a problem with it, well, you can't. August is her kid. You have to respect her decisions about him.

My suggestion to you (and you may have already tried this) is to get into Lord of the Rings. Watch it with him. Discuss the finer points. Be his LOTR buddy. Forge a relationship with him based on HIS interests. Then he might be open to yours. Maybe.

Otherwise you're gonna fight an uphill battle you won't win. Unless you marry this girl.

Well, let me put this in perspective. He watches those movies every other day. Only one though. And that depends on which one he's in the mood for. I can't do that. It's way too much especially since each movie is 3 hours long. His father Steve sword fights with him so he gets that.

His mother Tina wants him outside more often. August has a friend in the apartment building he lives in but it's a girl. I have no idea what they do for fun.

[Henry]

Well, let me put this in perspective. He watches those movies every other day. Only one though. And that depends on which one he's in the mood for. I can't do that. It's way too much especially since each movie is 3 hours long. His father Steve sword fights with him so he gets that.

Now imagine August looks at what you like to do ... say, karate ... what if his reaction to that is 'I can't do that.'

Is he being stubborn? You need to give him a reason to want to like wht you like. If he thinks you respect his interests, he might respect yours a little more.

His mother Tina wants him outside more often. August has a friend in the apartment building he lives in but it's a girl. I have no idea what they do for fun.

Do something outside related to his interests. Try the Renaissance Fair or something. Again, the kid's a person. He's entitled to like what he likes. Unless you want to be a freaky drill-seargent type, your best bet is to work WITH him and steer his interests rather than force them.

That's just my opinion, of course.

[Ellis]

I guess I need to question my motives in this whole thing.

maybe just be happy with what he likes to do?

All I see is room for progress. maybe my expectations are the problem.

:whoknows:

there's always karate though!:kungfu:

[Henry]

Well, like I said before, it depnds on how close you and his mom are and how close to being his dad you are. If you are in a position to tell him what to do and he knows and respects that, then you can make him play football or something and hope it sticks after awhile. If you are in more of a big brother or cool uncle type situation, well, you're gonna have to kiss up some.

[Stophovr6]

If you say he is in to lord of the rings, how about a nice hike. Just make him believe he is going through Mordor or some cool LOTR land, open your imagination with him so he gets into it. Tell him you guys are on a journey to find a stick of great importance. That way he is out of the house, no video game, getting good exercise and doing something manly.

[OVCChairman]

Alright, this is a tough one and I'm wondering where some of you parents might be of help...

I have a girlfriend with an 8 year old kid named August. August is not the most social butterfly that most kids are. He has no problems talking to people or making friends at school. Problem is... he's somewhat of a pushover because he's so NICE. He can get easily picked on and he doesn't know how to fight back because there's not a ounce of aggression in him. He gets that from his mom and I think it's because he never really had a male role model to look up to.

As for me...? If he was my kid, I would have taught him to stick up for himself a looooooooooong time ago. I would have had him in competitive sports to learn teamwork and gain friends... and a spine. To be frank, he's kind of a nerd. And I want to break him from that while he's young so that his teen years are not difficult.

Unfortunately, August got a tough deal. Originally, my girlfriend wanted him in private school. that didn't work out because one bully kept picking on him and the school wouldn't do anything about it. So she took him out and now he's in public school. He had to make all new friends and as everyone knows, when you're the new kid, you're on the bottom of the totum pole. And to top that off, my girlfriend moved a few times so he lost his friends in the neighborhoods too.

Because he's had to make new friends over and over again, he's completely in love with Lord Of The Ring movies and video games. He only likes hanging out with adults and girls.

My fear is that whatever I may do to try and get him outside playing is that I'll offend my girlfriend. So I'm trying to not to push my values on the situation. She hates competitive sports--especially football--and doesn't want him to do it. The only thing I've convinced her that was ok in her eyes was martial arts. That way, he learns discipline AND can learn to defend himself.

To anyone that has dated a girl with a kid... what do ya do?

Is it right to force a kid to participate in sports if they're not totally interested?

ok, here's the deal bro.

My girlfriend has a 5 year old son...I LOVE the kid, only problem is he never has the opprotunity to skin his knees...he never goes outside. THEREFORE, when he doesnt get his way he can tend to get a little... well.. upset. My girlfriend does everything she can to help the situation but I will never step in and discipline him. I grew up with a single mother and I can tell you this now, my mom dated other men and what not but the minute they tried to discipline me, it was over.

I'm not saying you are trying to disciplin him, i'm just saying that you are the "new guy" so hes not gonna really want to listen to suggestions.

My suggestion is this. Talk to him with respect, like he is one of your peers. Nobody else does that. Speak to him with an understanding that he is a MAN..not a boy. Moving around, changing places, no consistancy, no respect there. If you really want to make a difference dont try to change the way he is, instead change the way he is treated, the rest will fall into place.

[Doozinbrah]

I was very much like that as a kid. I was very introverted having moved around alot between both of my parents(divorced). The best thing my step-mother did for me was to get me playing pop warner. That turned into playing ball in middle school and high school. Which basically made me pretty popular and able to strike up conversations with almost anyone. It did wonders for my self esteem and ability to intermingle with other people. Any organized sport I think would help. But, we all know what the best one is......

[Larry]

Broaden his horizons.

Watch The Princess Bride with him.

Watch it a couple of times, and you'll be able to quote lines from the movie to each other. (It's got tons of quotable lines. I used to work with a fellow Bride fan, and we could pull a movie line up every hour or two while working together. He said he was the same way with his wife, too.)