Raising A Kid That's Not Yours...

[Kosher Ham]

Male gymnasts are typically vertically challenged. Or gay ?

I dated a female gymnast, and thats her take on it.

[rebornempowered]

As someone who works with kids for a living I am impressed with the suggestions in this thread. You guys have some great suggestions. I would echo a few things though.

1. Scouts: I am a chaplain for a troop and I forgot how great Scouts was until I started helping.

2. Sports is good, but he has been preconditioned to not like sports so that is going to be an uphill climb. The martial arts may be the way to go to introduce them because he probably sees the need for his ability to defend himself.

[Henry]

Male gymnasts are typically vertically challenged. Or gay ?

I dated a female gymnast, and thats her take on it.

Two of my kids do gymnastics. There are a lot more girls that do it, but the male gymnasts are not short gay guys.

I suspect she told you that so you wouldn't worry about the guys she worked out with.

[Kosher Ham]

Two of my kids do gymnastics. There are a lot more girls that do it, but the male gymnasts are not short gay guys.

I suspect she told you that so you wouldn't worry about the guys she worked out with.

No yet...

They say the same thing about Ballet...percentages though...

Tumbling isnt gymnastics. :laugh:

I should have stated former gymnast (it was 5 years ago, and she was 21 at the time, I was...well a little older.), she coached a HS team at the time we were dating, probably still does.

[Sonny Joe Hog]

Ellis,

I admire you for wanting to help August. Asking advice from the people in this forum, including myself, is not the best way to go about it. There are well-qualified professionals whose job it is to help people deal with the issues you have described.

But, since you asked:

I would first ask you to consider that there is nothing wrong with August. Perhaps he just doesn't fit the mold in which you would like to cast him. The things you describe him doing are pretty typical of a 8 year-old. Are his mother and father concerned about his behavior? If not, to be blunt, who are you to be telling them how to raise their son? It's not your responsibility.

Secondly, do you love August and his mother? If you can't answer that question in the affirmative without reservation, don't become involved in his rearing beyond being kind and helpful to him, as you would be with any child.

If you love them, and are commited to them for life, then I would say that becoming closer with August and participating in his rearing would be a proper goal for you. But he is not going to accept you in that role until he feels secure that you love him and his mother, that you're going to be around for the long haul, and that you care deeply about his welfare and his happiness. If you love him, tell him that you love him every day.

I think that some of the things you would like for him to try would be very good for him, but they are things that interest you - not him. To get him interested in these things, you first need to show some interest in the things he likes - even if you have to fake it. That will help you and him to become closer emotionally and, once you show interest in the things that he likes, he'll probably want to please you by trying some of the things that you would like him to do.

You need to do some of these things with him - don't just send him out to do them or expect him to go straight from doing few outside activities to organized sports. Play catch with him, pitch to him, and so forth. You are the adult, so you have to make the first moves. Besides, it should be fun.

I do think you came up with a very good idea when you suggested that he be put into a karate class. Since his mother agrees with this idea, this may be a good way for him to gain the confidence to stand up for himself while having fun. I have seen a good karate class do wonders for a boy.

I know that I just wrote that you should ease him into things, but sometimes a parent must insist that a child do something like a karate class that she knows will be a great benefit to her child. Let his mother handle setting it up, telling him that he must go, and taking him to the first class.

If you can't do anything else for him, you can teach him by your example - by the way you treat him - how to love and be kind to others. The love he will show you in return is the greatest gift you could ever hope to receive. Trust me on that.

Good luck, Ellis!

- Vic

[Ellis]

You guys have given a lot of great suggestions. thanks! I really appreciate it.

A few of you asked about my intentions with the relationship : Whenever I find someone that I like, I'm in it for the longhaul. I'm 30. So casual dating isn't something that interests me anymore. Tina is the same way. She's 27. So with that said, I'm technically in a relationship with TWO people since she has a child. I say that because in the event that marriage is involved or even living together, August will be there. Therefore, I'm trying to find a way make that work.

As for his name : LOL! A lot of you guys cracked me up. His real name is Augustus. When I first heard that, I thought of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. August is a pretty cool name though.

sports : August has played soccer but he wasn't good and didn't like it. He does Yoga weekly. I personally don't have a problem with it but I know that if I was his age and I heard about another kid who did yoga, I'd mercilessly pick on that kid. That's essentially where his problem is. He was at his baby sitters just about a week ago and some kid broke a branch off a tree. August freaked out, "you're killing the tree!" That was an invitation to get picked on and he DID get picked on. I just think that there has to be some changes in his life or he's going to end up well some terrible self esteem issues. If it were up to me, he'd be playing soccer. He's a skinny little awkward kid and in my opinion, soccer is probably his only option... 90% of it is just running.

Movies : It's SUMMER!!! Turn the damn thing off and go outside. End of discussion.

Tina's take on all this : In a nutshell, we're on the same page. She knows he has to toughen up. She too is having problems finding things he's interested in. Because of all the moving around they did, I think he hates change. Joining a sports team would be a change. I think that's why he throws fits about it. He'd rather hang with us because he knows he won't get picked on, I guess? I dunno. As far as discipline, August is one of the most polite kids I've ever met and he never does anything wrong. The ONLY thing he does is moan when he doesn't want to do something. Tina has a Star Reward System and that's how she gets him to not moan. He's rewarded with stars when he does good. Whenever I have talked to Tina about him getting picked on or toughening up, she smiles or giggles and says, "I know he needs to toughen up and grow some thicker skin. But he's sooooo nice, why would anyone want to change that? We need more nice people."

Football : If it was my kid, he'd be a Skins fan and he'd be playing every year for a team. He's just not big enough to do it yet. He likes the Baltimore Ravens and I think that's ONLY because his dad does. August is fun to talk about football with because we debate over who is worse. Of course, he's too young to fight back, so it's just practice for me.

Martial Arts : Tina and I have agreed that he should participate in this because it probably incorporates types of yoga positions(whatever) in to the things they teach. I think martial arts above all other options would be the best thing for building his confidence and self-esteem.

His Father Steve : Let's just say that Steve wasn't around for the first 4-5 years due to drugs. But he has his act together now and he is very involved in August's life NOW. I think he should be more involved because he spends all his time at the church he attends. Way too much time. But if it keeps him sober, cool. August asks to go a lot and he does get to go. But more times than not, Steve won't let him go because August complains that he wants to go home after only being there for an hour. I can understand Steve's need to be there and why he doesn't want to take august.

[Sonny Joe Hog]

As for his name : LOL! A lot of you guys cracked me up. His real name is Augustus. When I first heard that, I thought of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. August is a pretty cool name though.

sports : August has played soccer but he wasn't good and didn't like it. He does Yoga weekly. I personally don't have a problem with it but I know that if I was his age and I heard about another kid who did yoga, I'd mercilessly pick on that kid. That's essentially where his problem is. He was at his baby sitters just about a week ago and some kid broke a branch off a tree. August freaked out, "you're killing the tree!" That was an invitation to get picked on and he DID get picked on. I just think that there has to be some changes in his life or he's going to end up well some terrible self esteem issues. If it were up to me, he'd be playing soccer. He's a skinny little awkward kid and in my opinion, soccer is probably his only option... 90% of it is just running.

Movies : It's SUMMER!!! Turn the damn thing off and go outside. End of discussion.

Tina's take on all this : In a nutshell, we're on the same page. She knows he has to toughen up. She too is having problems finding things he's interested in. Because of all the moving around they did, I think he hates change. Joining a sports team would be a change. I think that's why he throws fits about it. He'd rather hang with us because he knows he won't get picked on, I guess? I dunno. As far as discipline, August is one of the most polite kids I've ever met and he never does anything wrong. The ONLY thing he does is moan when he doesn't want to do something. Tina has a Star Reward System and that's how she gets him to not moan. He's rewarded with stars when he does good. Whenever I have talked to Tina about him getting picked on or toughening up, she smiles or giggles and says, "I know he needs to toughen up and grow some thicker skin. But he's sooooo nice, why would anyone want to change that? We need more nice people."

Football : If it was my kid, he'd be a Skins fan and he'd be playing every year for a team. He's just not big enough to do it yet. He likes the Baltimore Ravens and I think that's ONLY because his dad does. August is fun to talk about football with because we debate over who is worse. Of course, he's too young to fight back, so it's just practice for me.

Martial Arts : Tina and I have agreed that he should participate in this because it probably incorporates types of yoga positions(whatever) in to the things they teach. I think martial arts above all other options would be the best thing for building his confidence and self-esteem.

His Father Steve : Let's just say that Steve wasn't around for the first 4-5 years due to drugs. But he has his act together now and he is very involved in August's life NOW. I think he should be more involved because he spends all his time at the church he attends. Way too much time. But if it keeps him sober, cool. August asks to go a lot and he does get to go. But more times than not, Steve won't let him go because August complains that he wants to go home after only being there for an hour. I can understand Steve's need to be there and why he doesn't want to take august.

Ellis,

My grandson is also named Augustus. We call him Gus.

Yoga! My God, what is that woman trying to do to the poor boy? That's a good example of why a boy needs a man around. Karate will be much better for him.

Maybe Tina could suggest to Steve that he take August to church for an hour, then bring August back home and return to church himself. As you know, children don't have a real long attention span.

I must say, August sounds like a wonderful boy to me. He's so fortunate to have three people who love him and want the best for him.

- Vic

[Larry]

Yeah, I was going to suggest "Gus".

OTOH, you'll have to avoid smiling at him and thinking of :gus: