Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[China]

Highland Beach police baffled after pulling over car, finding nobody inside

HIGHLAND BEACH, Fla. —Police pulled over a speeding car but were baffled when they couldn't find anyone inside.

...

Highland Beach police said an officer targeting speeders clocked someone in a red Mitsubishi traveling 57 mph in a 35 mph speed zone.

When the officer initiated a traffic stop, the driver turned off his headlights and drove into a parking lot. But when the officer approached the car, nobody was inside.

Police watched as the car eventually drove off again with its lights off. On several more occasions, police would pull over the car only to find that it was empty.

But on the last attempt, police said they realized that the driver, later identified as Schroeder, was using the fold-down rear seat to hide in the trunk.

Click on the link for the full article

Edited May 8, 2013 by China

[twa]

Northwestern University continued to stumble over diversity issues this week as Mexican students voiced disagreement with a campuswide letter that advised students not to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by engaging in racially-offensive activities, such as eating tacos and drinking tequila.

The letter was sent to students via e-mail, and published in The Daily Northwestern last week. Leaders of Alianza, a Latino student group, and the Associated Student Government called on students to remember that Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico’s victory over France in the Battle of Puebla. It is not a day to throw a sombrero-themed party, they said.

“Some of our peers choose to throw ‘Mexican-themed’ parties that are culturally insensitive, offensive, and detrimental to the Northwestern community,” said the letter, which noted that this was a problem year after year. “Drinking tequila shots, eating tacos, and wearing sombreros do not commemorate Mexican culture; on the contrary, that offends, marginalizes, and isolates many of our friends, classmates, and community members, and casts our entire community in poor light.”

The two Alianza presidents who signed the letter are not Mexican, according to The Daily Northwestern.

Their recommendations were quite a shock to Northwestern students who actually came from Mexico. Several of them fired back recently.

“I’d like to say that I proudly embrace my tacos, tequila and sombreros,” wrote Ruben Antonio Marcos Bours, a Northwestern student, in a statement. “To me, they are a key part of my childhood, growing up in Monterrey, Mexico.”

Another student who grew up in Mexico called the letter “over the top.”

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2013/05/09/latino-student-group-says-eating-tacos-is-offensive-to-mexicans/#ixzz2Stf3M0Yk

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2013/05/09/latino-student-group-says-eating-tacos-is-offensive-to-mexicans/#ixzz2StePDDOp

[China]

Alligator Catches Guy Who Eluded Police

A Florida man probably had a brief moment of joy when he gave the slip to the sheriff's deputy chasing him. Then the alligator showed up. Police say Bryan Zuniga, 20, ran from his vehicle after a deputy pulled him over for weaving in traffic, reports the Tampa Bay Times. Zuniga hopped a fence and was gone. A few hours later, police got word that their man was being treated in the hospital after being bit in the face and arm by a 'gator near a water-treatment plant. Zuniga is now recuperating in jail on a slew of charges including "injuring fences" and eluding an officer.

What an alligator may look like

[China]

Woman Threw 8 Inch Kitchen Knife at Boyfriend After He Farted: Officials

A woman was arrested after she threw an 8 inch kitchen knife at her boyfriend when he farted in her face while they were watching TV, according to authorities.

Deborah Ann Burns, 37, told detectives she became angry the incident occurred and the two began arguing, the arrest report said.

She caused minor wounds on her 6-year boyfriend, who told Burns to shut up, which began the argument that ended up in the kitchen, the report said.

Click on the link for the full article

[wysknz1]

http://trib.com/news/state-and-regional/authorities-man-drives-car-into-chugwater-gas-station-causes-explosion/article_4f300dd8-c854-5f02-8d32-239f77889a6a.html

http://news.msn.com/us/wanted-a-gas-station-for-chugwater-wyo

There's a little town north of Cheyenne called Chugwater. A few weeks ago their only gas station burned down. These are two links to the event. It's not hilarious but in a way pretty funny. Especially in the second link about how Chugwater got it's name.

[twa]

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_STOP_SMOKING_ARREST?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2013-05-10-14-22-55

Bold turkey: woman hits cop to kick smoking habit

AP Photo

AP Photo/Sacramento Sheriff's Dept.

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SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) -- Think you've heard of every way possible to quit smoking? Etta Mae Lopez came up with a new one: slap a cop and go to jail, where smoking isn't allowed.

Lopez smacked Sacramento County sheriff's Deputy Matt Campoy in the face Tuesday as he left the main jail at the end of his shift. He grabbed her and took her inside the jail, where she slapped his arm as soon as he turned her loose.

[China]

Happy Mother's Day!

Police: Intoxicated Son Falls On Mom, Pins Her On Floor for Hours

RIVERSIDE, Ill. (CBS) — A Riverside man was arrested last Thursday for drunkenly falling and passing out on his mother, pinning her to the kitchen floor for hours, according to a press release from the Riverside Police Department.

The woman, 81, laid there for an extended period of time before she was able to get relatives to call police. When first responders arrived at the scene, they reported that the legs of the mother and the son were intertwined and the son as passed out as he laid on his mother.

The mother was taken to Loyola University Medical Center, where she had to have surgery on her hip, which was broken in three places. The son was taken to McNeal Hospital to be treated for alcohol poisoning

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

How gang members behave like animals... and maths experts are now predicting where they will fight rivals with 99% accuracy

Maths experts have used geometric equations learned from wild animals to predict the location of fights between rival gangs with almost 99 per cent accuracy.

Jeffrey Brantingham, an anthropologist at UCLA, in California, who uses statistics to study crime, has employed a theory devised by Alfred Lotka, an American statistician, and Vito Volterra, an Italian mathematician, in the 1920s.

The pair observed that similarly sized rival groups of a species - from lions to hyenas - claim territories whose boundaries form a perpendicular line halfway between each group’s home, be it a den or a beehive.

Their findings - called the Lotka- Volterra equations - have been long used as a staple of ecological theory.

Brantingham applied it to 13 equally sized criminal gangs from the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles’ East Side.

He and his team, aided by police, identified an area or 'anchor point' which functioned as the gang's home base and used the Lotka- Volterra equation to draw borders between the turfs, Smithsonian.com reports.

...

According to the equations, researchers then predicted where the violence between the rivals gangs was most likely to take place. They predicted 58.8 per cent would occur less than a fifth of a mile from the borders, 87.5 per cent within two-fifths of a mile and 99.8 per cent within a mile.

Analysis of 563 gang-related shootings in the area between 1999 and 2002, showed researchers their predictions were almost exactly accurate, with the location of real-life shootings being 58.2 per cent, 83.1 per cent and 97.7 per cent, respectively

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Someone's having fun:

Vortex to another dimension reported in Brighton

Council bosses have been left mystified after reports that a portal to another dimension has opened in a residential street in Brighton.

A member of the public reported to Brighton and Hove City Council that the “wormhole or vortex” had opened up in Montreal Road, Hanover, on May 2.

They made the report via the website Fix My Street which is more typically used to report potholes, dumped rubbish and broken lampposts.

The anonymous poster said: “I was recently walking my affenpinscher (a toy breed of dog) around the Hanover area of Brighton when I noticed that a wormhole or vortex has opened up on Montreal Road.

“On closer inspection it seems to be some kind of portal to other times, places and dimensions.

“I would have investigated further but I was concerned my little dog would be sucked into it.

“Is this meant to be there? At first I believed it might be part of the Brighton Festival but I believe it could be a hazard to the general public. I look forward to your response.”

They followed this up with a report on Thursday, explaining: “The other day I reported the presence of some kind of wormhole or vortex on Montreal Road.

“I went past the other day and it seems to have got worse – it is now emitting an unsettling yellow light and a large snake appears to be emerging from the wall.

Click on the link for the full article

[SkinFaninOKC]

Macklemore upset with the Thunder.

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Macklemore-not-happy-with-OKC-Thunder--207230601.html

I'm not a Thunder fan so I found this humorous.

[China]

Broomstick-flying witches to be brought down in Swaziland

Witches flying broomsticks in Swaziland above 150 metres will be subject to arrest and a hefty fine of R500 000, civil aviation authorities said, according to a report.

Witches’ broomsticks are considered similar to any heavier-than-air transportation device that is airborne, reports The Star.

“A witch on a broomstick should not fly above the [150-metre] limit,” Civil Aviation Authority marketing and corporate affairs director Sabelo Dlamini told the newspaper.

No penalties exist for witches flying below 150 metres.

The report said it was hard to say how serious he was, but witchcraft isn’t a joking matter in Swaziland, where the people believe in it.

The statute also forbids toy helicopters and children’s kites from ascending too high into the country’s airspace.

Dlamini was asked by the Swazi press to explain the country’s aviation laws following the arrest of a private detective, Hunter Shongwe, for operating a toy helicopter equipped with a video camera, of which he boasted using to gather surveillance information similar to the way a drone aircraft operates.

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Driver arrested in cyclist's death had complained bicyclists 'don't belong' in Lyons

Patrick Ward, the driver facing vehicular homicide and DUI charges in connection with the death Saturday in Lyons of Boulder cyclist Michel Van Duym, has made strong statements at town meetings against cyclists and the problems he believes they create in that town.

What Patrick Ward, or an aged Hitler may look like

Click on the link for the full article

I think this was him in one of the town meetings:

[twa]

Men who are physically strong are more likely to have right wing political views

Weaker men more likely to support welfare state and wealth redistribution

Link may reflect psychological traits that evolved in our ancestors

Strength was a proxy for ability to defend or acquire resources

There is no link between women's physical strength and political views

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2325414/Men-physically-strong-likely-right-wing-political-views.html#ixzz2TY98Q0ap

Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

[China]

Mysterious Poop Foam Causes Explosions on Hog Farms

When you hear about foam in the context of food, you might think of molecular gastronomy, the culinary innovations of the Spanish chef Ferran Adrià, who's famous for dishes like apple caviar with banana foam.

But this post is about a much less appetizing kind of foam. You see, starting in about 2009, in the pits that capture manure under factory-scale hog farms, a gray, bubbly substance began appearing at the surface of the fecal soup. The problem is menacing: As manure breaks down, it emits toxic gases like hydrogen sulfide and flammable ones like methane, and trapping these noxious fumes under a layer of foam can lead to sudden, disastrous releases and even explosions. According to a 2012 report from the University of Minnesota, by September 2011, the foam had "caused about a half-dozen explosions in the upper Midwest…one explosion destroyed a barn on a farm in northern Iowa, killing 1,500 pigs and severely burning the worker involved."

What poop foam may look like

Click on the link for the full article

[dfitzo53]

Wow. Apparently the foam can reach 4 feet thick and bubble back up through the slats in the floor of the hog barn.

Great quote from a University of Minnesota document linked in the article:

Conclusions: Foaming and Fires

 Question: Do you need foam to have a

fire?

 Answer: No, but it helps . . . and the

explosion is bigger.

[Bliz]

http://www.outkickthecoverage.com/player-requests-fifth-star-loves-porn.php

...

Which brings us to 6'5" 295 pound defensive tackle Elisha Shaw. Both Rivals and 247 Sports have him ranked as a four star, just on the outskirts of receiving his fifth star. Rivals has him as the 39th best player in the 2014 class, with offers from Alabama, Florida State, Texas, and Georgia, among others.

247 Sports has him as the 42nd best player in the country.

So he's really close to that tantalizing fifth star on both major recruiting services.

So Shaw and his representatives are lobbying the rating services for that fifth star.

How so?

By Tweeting a screen shot of his ranking and arguing for more respect.

We were just emailed this, but Shaw tweeted this pic a while back and it's still up on his Twitter handle. "Man, I need that fifth star."

Now, talk to recruiting services and their employees and this type of lobbying isn't uncommon. Players and their representatives get fired up about the ratings just like fans. There are quite a few four stars. But if you're one of a handful of five stars? Well, that's a lot more impressive than just being one of the top four stars in the country.

So the players and their representatives lobby hard for that fifth star.

But when most players Tweet a screen shot of their rankings pleading for a fifth star, they usually don't have other windows open behind those rankings.

Elisha Shaw did.

And it appears he was multitasking.

Specifically, he really likes point of view porn starring Isis Taylor.

[Riggo-toni]

great, now I have to look up Isis Taylor during my next daily visit to Pornhub.....

[twa]

'Dumb' house burglar shot after locking homeowner inside his own GUN CLOSET

The victim of an armed home invasion in Houston has turned the tables on the brazen intruders after they stuffed him into a closet that turned out to be the place where he stores his gun.

Police say it all started at around 2pm Tuesday when three men broke into a home in the 8200 block of Braeburn Valley Drive and assaulted the resident.

After a brief scuffle, the hapless perpetrators shoved the man into a closet, not knowing that there was a gun in there.

When the homeowner thought the burglars had left, he went downstairs, carrying his gun in case the suspects were still around, the Houston Chronicle reported.

On the first floor, the man confronted one of his assailant and the two exchanged gunfire, according to police.

The resident, who shares the house with his parents, escaped unharmed, but the armed suspect was much the worse for wear after being struck in the shoulder and leg.

He fled on foot down the street, but did not get far before he collapsed. His two suspected accomplices took off from the scene in a Chevrolet Tahoe.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2325629/Dumb-house-burglar-shot-locking-homeowner-inside-GUN-CLOSET.html#ixzz2Tg0ix7z6

Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

[twa]

Cannons interrupt Monsanto protest

 

 

A 21-cannon salute to Texas’ fallen soldiers on Saturday created chaos on the Capitol’s south steps, where hundreds of people had gathered to protest the agriculture company Monsanto.

Despite Saturday’s heavy rain, Austin’s March Against Monsanto attracted about 1,000 people. Photo by Timothy Mota.

Monika Mota, who works for the Austin Center for Peace and Justice and helped to organize the local March Against Monsanto, said a Texas Department of Public Safety trooper told her the cannons would be fired just moments before the blasts were heard. She was given a five-minute warning, she said, but didn’t get a chance to warn attendees in time.

“He (the trooper) said they were fired faster than he expected,” said Mota. “There was someone singing, and I thought I had more time. It was awful; people started running, because no one knew what was happening.”

Protesters scattered, children started to cry and about 50 people fled from the Capitol, apparently believing they were under attack. Mota said she told attendees not to be alarmed, but they were. 

http://blog.chron.com/texaspolitics/2013/05/cannons-abruptly-end-monsanto-protest/?cmpid=hpfsln

[China]

Skeleton Lake of Roopkund, India. The Surprise Is What Killed Them …

In 1942 a British forest guard in Roopkund, India, made an alarming discovery. More than three miles above sea level, he stumbled across a frozen lake surrounded by hundreds of human skeletons. That summer, the melting ice revealed even more remains, floating in the water and lying haphazardly around the lake's edges. 
 

Since this was the height of World War II, there were fears that the skeletons might belong to Japanese soldiers who had died of exposure while sneaking through India. The British government, terrified of a Japanese land invasion, sent a team of investigators to determine whether this was true. Upon examination they realized these bones weren't Japanese soldiers at all, but of a much much older vintage. But what killed them? Many theories were put forth, including an epidemic, landslide, and ritual suicide. For six decades, no one was able to shed light on the mystery of "Skeleton Lake."
 

In 2004 a scientific expedition offered the first plausible explanation of the mysterious deaths. The answer was stranger than anyone had guessed.

All of the bodies were dated to about 850 AD. DNA evidence indicated that there were two distinct groups of people killed near the lake: one a family or tribe of closely related individuals, and a second, shorter group. Rings, spears, leather shoes, and bamboo staves were found, leading experts to believe that the group was comprised of pilgrims heading through the valley with the help of local porters.

Analysis of skulls showed that, no matter their stature or position, all of the people died in a similar way: from blows to the head. However, the short, deep cracks in the skulls appeared to be the result not of weapons but of something round. The bodies had wounds only on their heads and shoulders, indicating the blows came from directly above. The scientists reached an unexpected conclusion: The hundreds of travelers all died from a sudden and severe freak hailstorm.

Click on the link for the full article

Edited May 30, 2013 by China

[China]

German bank employee falls asleep on keyboard, transfers millions

 

A tired German bank employee fell asleep on his keyboard and accidentally transformed a minor transfer into a 222 million euro ($311 million) order, a court heard.

 

The Hessen labour court heard that the man was supposed to transfer just 62.40 euros from a bank account belonging to a retiree, but instead "fell asleep for an instant, while pushing onto the number 2 key on the keyboard" - making it a huge 222,222,222.22 euro order.

 

The bank discovered the mistake shortly afterwards and corrected the error.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

It took 6 hours to find out he wasn't there?  Couldn't they have just asked the woman?

 

Lower Manhattan Police Standoff Ends As Suspect Still Remains At Large

 

A six-hour long standoff in Lower Manhattan ended Wednesday after police determined that the suspect they were looking for was not in the apartment.

 

The police are currently looking for a man named James Sider, who is wanted in connection with a 2010 murder of a Pace University student. Police surrounded the suspect’s mother's apartment on Wednesday, but she refused to open the door for the officers.

 

Though the officers had a warrant, they did not force themselves into the apartment in case the mother, who is in a wheelchair, or the other occupants, kids between 12 and 19 years old, were speaking under duress.  The officers had to proceed cautiously to ensure the occupants were unharmed by Sider if he had been in the apartment.

 

“We were talking to the mother and it just took several hours to establish that he was not inside,” said Paul Brown, the chief spokesperson for the police department.

 

Click on the link for the full article

Edited June 14, 2013 by China

[China]

Man dials 999 to complain about prostitute's looks

 

The caller, who has since been warned for wasting police time, contacted officers to complain that the sex worker had broken the strict set of rules stating goods must be of satisfactory quality and fit for purpose.

But an officer in the call centre at Solihull, Birmingham, responded by telling him that the woman had not committed any offences and explained that soliciting for sex was illegal.

West Midlands Police confirmed they were contacted by the man who said he "wished to report her for breaching the Sale of Goods Act".

A spokesman for the force, who have since sent the man a warning letter, said: "A 999 call was received by police at around 7:30pm on Tuesday evening from a man wishing to complain about a sex worker he had met on a hotel car park.

"The caller claimed that the woman had made out she was better looking than she actually was and he wished to report her for breaching the Sale of Goods Act.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Preston Mother & Son Accused of Stealing Gopher Feet

 

(ABC 6 News) -- A mother and her son have been accused of going into a garage in rural Harmony, and stealing thousands of dollars’ worth of gopher feet. Seems odd, right?

Well it isn't being taken lightly in Fillmore County Court. Both have been with charged 4 counts each, 2 of which are felonies.

For the past 20 years Michael Junge has been trapping gophers. "I worked for a farmer and he couldn't hardly stand cutting his hay because there were so many gophers, so I decided to start trapping them," said Junge.

Now he catches about 15 of the pests a day and stores their feet in his "man cave," garage. However, a few months back when he went out there…"They were all gone," he said.

It seems odd to have a freezer full of gopher feet, but they're actually worth a pretty penny. Townships generally pay a bounty of about
3 bucks for a pair of feet. "I figured 800, that's about $2,400," he said. That's how many he first guessed were taken, but realized there could have been many more.

"The officer checked around with the various townships and was trying to determine if anybody had turned in a large about of gopher feet and it was discovered that Harmony Township had received many, many gopher feet," said Fillmore County Attorney Brett Corson.

Tina Garrison and her son Junior Dillon from Preston are accused of taking and selling the feet there for money. They turned in, "roughly, about 1,400 pairs of gopher feet, that values at somewhere about $4,600 -  $4,700," said Corson.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

UK city council member reportedly claims to have fathered an alien child

 

A city council member in a small seaside town in the UK has raised some eyebrows after expressing his beliefs in extra-terrestrial life in a recent TV documentary.

Simon Parkes claims he has had experiences with aliens since birth, and his "real mother" is a 9-foot green alien with eight fingers, the
Northern Echo reports. His first memory is being lifted out of his cot by an alien.

The married father of three also claims he has sexual relations with an alien he refers to as the Cat Queen, and that he fathered a child with her.

"What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say 'I'm ready' and then the technology I don't understand will take us up to a
craft orbiting the Earth," Parkes said.

Parkes, 58, says he meets with the Cat Queen four times a year. 

"My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly," Parkes said. "That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don't see it as wrong."

Click on the link for the full article