WVUforREDSKINS Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I have heard more stand up comedy than I'd like to admit and I'm more than familiar with Monty Python. Generally when I laugh I'm doing it AT someone rather than with them and it tends to be because I feel they're being exceptionally STUPID, not funny. That's what I usually laugh at too. Its why I love the Simpsons so much, I love to laugh at Homer being stupid. Have you heard George Carlin? Most of his comedy has to do with people being stupid. I think you would like it. He is my favorite. And at least you do laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan T. Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 For not having any sense of humor, Mass_ is spending an inordinant amount of time in a thread with "joke thread" in the title. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mass_SkinsFan Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Have you heard George Carlin? Most of his comedy has to do with people being stupid. I think you would like it. He is my favorite. Unfortunately I am not in agreement with Mr. Carlin's politics, which are the basis for a large part of his act. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurent Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Guy walks into his house with a chicken under his arm. As his better half is walking down the stairs the guy goes "see that's the pig I've been ****ing". Confused the wife goes "but why, that's a chicken!", to which the guy responds "I wasn't talking to you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrockster21 Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Before the last couple moves to the front, the man turns to his wife and says "Come on Fanny, let's get out of here." :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf." :laugh: I love dumb jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corcaigh Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 A drake, in town for a business conference, meets a duck in the hotel bar and the two go back to his hotel room. The drake realizes that he doesn't have any protection so he calls room service and asks them to bring him some condoms. Room service knocks on the door, and the drake answers. Room service says "Would you like me to put these on your bill sir?" The drake replies "WHAT? Do you think I'm some kind of pervert? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Less attention to the drama queen, more jokes: A guy walks into a bar, sits down and plunks a backpack on the table. Opens the backpack and pulls out a little piano, a little bench and a little man. The little man sits down and starts playing. The bartender says to the guy at the bar "Wow. That's amazing. Where did that little guy come from." The guy then pulls out a lamp. "Rub it" he says. The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie appears. "What is your wish?" The genie asks. "Seriously?" the bartender says. "Oh yeah. Go ahead." says the guy. "I wish for a million bucks!" the bartender exclaims. "Wish granted" the genie says. And he waves his hand. Suddenly, off in the distance, flapping wings are heard, accompanied by loud numerous quacks. Within minutes ducks begin flying through the door. Dozens. Hundreds. They keep coming. "Ducks?" the bartender says. "What's with all the ducks?" "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" says the other guy. Ba-dum-bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WVUforREDSKINS Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 A man comes home from work turnes on the news and tells his wife to grab him a beer because "its about to start." He slams the beer and asks his wife to grab another one because "its start soon." He slams that one and asks for another because "its gonna start any minute now." His wife throws the beer at him and yells "You just come home and sit in that chair everyday while I get the kids ready for school, clean the house all day, and prepare meals and.. The man covers his ears and says "It started" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Think about it for a minute.... 10 little piggies... 2 calves... 1 ass... an unknown number of hares... and one *****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ax Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I'm not missing anything, Ax. I learned a long time ago that life isn't about fun or enjoyment. At least mine is not. And you must know that your life is the exception, not the rule. So while you think you're not missing anything, you definitely are. You just have no idea, that's all. Nothing wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ax Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 A gorgeous woman asks the young man working at the shoe store to help her try on some shoes. As he kneels before her, he looks up under her skirt and sees that she's not wearing any underwear. After the third pair of shoes, he couldn't take it anymore. "Honey, I could eat that ***** full of ice cream", he says. The woman jumps up and storms out of the store and hurries home to tell her husband what happened. "I want you to go down there and kick that SOB's ass!" she says. "No", says the husband. "I'm not gonna kick his ass. I ought to kick yours!" "First off, you ain't got no business going out of the house without any underwear on." "Secondly, you already got more goddamn shoes than you need!" "And lastly, any SOB that can eat that much ice cream, I don't wanna **** with him in the first place!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mass_SkinsFan Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 And you must know that your life is the exception, not the rule.So while you think you're not missing anything, you definitely are. You just have no idea, that's all. Nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, yes, I do know I'm the exception. I also believe that the lack of seriousness and the amount of levity in our society is one of the things wrong with it. I'm obviously not missing anything of great need, since I haven't felt any desire to go looking for it, Ax. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IONTOP Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Three men are on a plane, one a Cowboy fan, one a Ravens fan, and one a Redskins fan. They are flying to Vegas to all put $1000 wagers on their teams, while flying over Nebraska, the engines, sputter and turn off. They are hurling towards the ground, when all the sudden, God appears before them and says "It it not time for any of you three to pass, therefore I will grant each of you two wishes. The Redskins fan says, "I'm a gentleman, let the others go first". The Ravens fan says, "God, I wish I had a parachute and I wish for me to land on a huge pile of $100 bills." Instantly, a parachute is on his back and he leaps out of the plane. The Cowboys fan says "I would also like a parachute, but I would also like to have front row, 50 yard line season tickets for the rest of my life." Instantly, he has a parachute and inside his jacket are 100 years worth of tickets, front row, 50 yard line. And he plummets out of the plane. The Redskins fan says "I would also like a parachute, and for my second wish, I would like....... Those other two ****s back on this plane" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ford Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Unfortunately, yes, I do know I'm the exception. I also believe that the lack of seriousness and the amount of levity in our society is one of the things wrong with it. I'm obviously not missing anything of great need, since I haven't felt any desire to go looking for it, Ax. my money says virgin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mass_SkinsFan Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 my money says virgin. Your money would be wrong; though I am pleased to say that I can count the number of women I've been intimate with on one hand with fingers to spare (yes it's more than one). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Three men are on a plane, one a Cowboy fan, one a Ravens fan, and one a Redskins fan. They are flying to Vegas to all put $1000 wagers on their teams, while flying over Nebraska, the engines, sputter and turn off. They are hurling towards the ground, when all the sudden, God appears before them and says "It it not time for any of you three to pass, therefore I will grant each of you two wishes. The Redskins fan says, "I'm a gentleman, let the others go first". The Ravens fan says, "God, I wish I had a parachute and I wish for me to land on a huge pile of $100 bills." Instantly, a parachute is on his back and he leaps out of the plane. The Cowboys fan says "I would also like a parachute, but I would also like to have front row, 50 yard line season tickets for the rest of my life." Instantly, he has a parachute and inside his jacket are 100 years worth of tickets, front row, 50 yard line. And he plummets out of the plane.The Redskins fan says "I would also like a parachute, and for my second wish, I would like....... Those other two ****s back on this plane" well... they still have parachutes, so they can just jump back out of the plane again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IONTOP Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 well... they still have parachutes, so they can just jump back out of the plane again... Um... Crap... I improvised that joke... the plane is too close to the ground for you to jump out again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ax Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Unfortunately, yes, I do know I'm the exception. I also believe that the lack of seriousness and the amount of levity in our society is one of the things wrong with it. I'm obviously not missing anything of great need, since I haven't felt any desire to go looking for it, Ax. On the one hand, your situation has allowed you to get around many of the pitfalls life can bring. However, it also has deprived you of being able to enjoy more of life's pleasures. You know, the whole "take the good with the bad" thing. And, life is as much about "wants" sometimes, as it is "needs". I know you can only see it from your point of view. I have no idea what life would be like in your situation. And you have no idea what it's like outside of your situation. We can only imagine. I know I'm not inventing the wheel here. Just playing Captain Obvious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ax Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 A virgin accidentally sees her fiance coming out of the bathroom naked, for the first time. Scared beyond belief, she rushes to her family doctor for answers. "Doctor! What is that long appurtenance sticking out from his body?" "Well, that's called a penis." He says. "Uh huh. Well, what's that reddish purple knob on the end of it?" "That's called the head of the penis." "Uh huh. Well what's them two round things situated about 22 inches behind the head of the penis?" "Well honey, on him I don't know. On me, it's the cheeks of my ass!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mass_SkinsFan Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 On the one hand, your situation has allowed you to get around many of the pitfalls life can bring. However, it also has deprived you of being able to enjoy more of life's pleasures. You know, the whole "take the good with the bad" thing. That's not a philosophy that I follow, Ax. I'm more a "If you can't Win, don't bother playing." sort of guy. I'm more than happy to possibly miss out on the heights to ensure that I don't have to deal with the disappointments any more than absolutely necessary. And, life is as much about "wants" sometimes, as it is "needs". I know you can only see it from your point of view. I have no idea what life would be like in your situation. And you have no idea what it's like outside of your situation. We can only imagine. True, to a point Ax. Unfortunately all too often people put their wants in front of their needs or become willing to ignore appropriateness in order to achieve those wants. You are correct that neither of us is ever going to truly understand the other's situation. The difference appears to be that I have no interest in understanding yours while you seem to have an interest in wasting your time trying to understand mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsFTW Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 This thread is starting to remind me of this: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 The Good The Bad The Ugly 1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She’s a lawyer 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You’re in them 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He’s a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you 7. Good: You give the “birds and bees:” talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections 8. Good: The postman’s early Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It’s another man Ugly: He’s your best friend 10. Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way ugly: She makes more money than you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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