The five types of meatheads you see at the gym...

[Spaceman Spiff]

http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=11&StoryID=2079&LayoutType=1

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Posted: 2/1/2006 by: Christopher Humpage

This Ripped Fuel Is useless. It contains no Ephedra.

Invariably, today’s heading begs a more primary question -“Why are we at the gym in the first place?” An outstanding query - for the whole gym rotation accounts for nothing more in the grand scheme of things than a sophisticated human hamster wheel. If you don’t believe me, have some little, lightning-fast, black dude break your ankles with a sick crossover and be forced to rehab on one of those elliptical machines. Pretty soon you’ll be looking to suckle from the teat of a giant water bottle hanging from the wall, and piss it all out on cedar chips.

I digress, however. We come to the gym to rehab, to convalesce in its saunas and pump its iron, to leave feeling stronger than when we entered. We come to the gym because it's too cold to run outside, for its convenient spread of equipment, or because we think spending money on a gym membership and shoes with all kinds of plastic crap molded to them will somehow motivate us to get off our asses and start living right.

And in doing so, we encounter Meatheads.

For Meatheads, gym time takes on an exalted status in the hierarchy of needs. Their fitness quest, nay, Vision Quest, is on a level of importance we mortals rarely comprehend. It’s a requisite prelude to Jagerbombs and other late night Meathead feats of strength, like pounding cheese steaks. Gym performance is the Meathead’s compass. It is the opiate of his anabolic masses. It is a trading post for his life-giving, mass-building, Dianabol.

For gym-goers and outside observers alike, here is a primer on Meatheads, from their perspective. Such perspective has been chosen to assist in the reader’s understanding and identity with the Meathead, facilitating insightful gains toward the Meathead’s thoughts feelings, and emotions. The Meathead is a noble breed – and I, for one, would be loathe to see him marginalized in the dawning age of metrosexualism. The Meathead can be a resource for you if you need instruction on Romanian dead lifts, advanced proximal-distal lat work, or just help moving some heavy ****, but beware- he will try to get you hooked on Ripped Fuel.

The Five Meatheads You Meet at the Gym (From Their Perspective):

Bouncers are the tacit souls among Meatheads. This ad advocates a unified code of law among bouncers

Loud, Ex-Football Playing, Sales and Marketing Professional Meathead – “Yeeeaaahhh! I just drank a big ‘ol cuppa mud at the front desk! Gonna do some upright rowing, bent rowing, lat pulls, dead lifts, - yup, 2 ½ hours on lats! Hey man, if you’re goin’ for awesome power, you gotta go for it! Yeah, after this workout, I’m gonna go out and do some networking, you know, I’ve got this insurance agent thing going in addition to the copier sales, which I’m going to mention every time you see me. I’m also going to scream as loud as I ****ing can each rep like I’m Zeus taking the giant **** that plopped down from the heavens and became Mt. Olympus!”

Supplement Guy Meathead – Hey dude. Been awhile. Have you gained weight? Man, I’m up to a solid two fifteen. Spent twelve and a half weeks on the Creatine, but now I’m phasing off that with Sol Palmetto. After I de-tox and cleanse my system with a hot, steaming, colonic, I’m going to hop onto the Myoplex, and just eat protein. Yeah dude. Just nine servings of protein a day. And hey, if that doesn’t work, I know other ways to get an edge, dude (Gives a nod and a wink as he walks off and hits “Play” on his MP3 player, pumping ear-damaging levels of Three Doors Down).

Jeans Meathead – I ****ing refuse to do cardio. I ****ing refuse. I’m not even going to stretch to warm up. Stretching is for *******. I’m coming in to work out in construction boots and a wife beater, to show off my tats, and talk to other dudes about my tats. I’m rad in the summer when my ball-sweat it totally visible on my jeans. That’s what you want to see - me, and the ball-sweat on my stonewashed Hilfigers. I used to do martial arts. I drive a Dodge Magnum.

Bouncer Meathead – Every Thursday I drive two hours to bounce at a college bar at the school I graduated from in 2003. After I spend all night getting in dudes’ grilles and jawing with dudes about disc brakes, I drive directly to work Friday morning, tired as ****, and bask in the hangover of a kick-ass night sitting on that stool by the door looking tough. I love bouncing. I’m a wanton whore for it. If bouncing was smoking heroin, I’d be hunched over in an airplane toilet, chasing the dragon, setting off all kinds of alarms, freaking out the passengers, and it would be sweet. I’m an artistic meathead, a reflective meathead. I seek meaning to my meat headedness through bouncing. And if you’re cool, I’ll give you that sly, disinterested wave-in when you get to the door, and I won’t press you for your ID. But be cool, man.

Inside a Bodybuilding Competition: Participant Billy Masterson grimaces with massy pride.

Mini-Meathead – **** yeah, I’m pissed about being only 5’6”! I’m pissed I had to sit the bench in high school football behind the taller receivers! I dead lift angry! I’m pissed that girls are always saying they want a man who is tall, dark, and handsome! I hate God! I bar-curl angry! The only time I can take my mind off my insecurity is when I’ve had more than one sip of beer, at which point I’m suddenly 6’5”, 240, with Teflon balls! I bench press angry! That chick over there would totally give me a killer smoker if I was taller! ****! I drank sixteen beers last night!

Well friends, there it is. Use this knowledge when you encounter a meathead. Meatheads, despite their reputation as useless drones who simply consume calories and add mass, encompass a variegated spectrum of unique personalities and perspectives. And they come in five types. Try walking a mile in their Atomix brand strength training shoes. Pound the depressing slab of goo that is their Powerbar. Feel their pain, for it you don’t feel their pain, you won’t gain – insight, ripped mass, back acne, or anything else, for that matter. Who knows? Maybe you are a closeted meathead yourself, yearning to live the lifestyle. Maybe you will ascend into the ranks of meatheads, and perhaps advance to the top of the meathead society – oiled up, geeked up, ‘roided up, and parading in front of judges, grimacing in a tiny thong during the finals of a bodybuilding competition, with your heart about to rupture from dangerous levels of Ephedra enhanced Ripped Fuel through your bloodstream. There are many roads to the top, no matter what type of meathead you are.

Train hard. Train proud. Train onward, yon Meatheads. As for the rest of you, show compassionate courtesy towards these diamonds in the rough. Meatheads have needs, too.

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I like working out and like lifting, but I do it in my basement. I don't miss seeing these guys at the gym...especially the Mini-Meathead.

[MoeRedskins]

THe phat phree is my new way of wasting time at work, their articles are really funny. Check out "Hey, look at my striped shirt." Always good for a laugh.

[codeorama]

LOL... Pretty good.

I know at the gym I go to, it's basically the same people there every day and it gets to be pretty funny. I have nick names for all of them (they don't know of course) and it's amazingly funny that my friends know exactly who I'm talking about if I throw a nickname out there.

[SkinsHokieFan]

LOL... Pretty good.

I know at the gym I go to, it's basically the same people there every day and it gets to be pretty funny. I have nick names for all of them (they don't know of course) and it's amazingly funny that my friends know exactly who I'm talking about if I throw a nickname out there.

We have nicknames for all the meatheads at our gym also

At Tech it was hilarious, because it seemed every dude at the student gym was juicing

[zoony]

Jeans Meathead – I ****ing refuse to do cardio. I ****ing refuse. I’m not even going to stretch to warm up. Stretching is for *******. I’m coming in to work out in construction boots and a wife beater, to show off my tats, and talk to other dudes about my tats. I’m rad in the summer when my ball-sweat it totally visible on my jeans. That’s what you want to see - me, and the ball-sweat on my stonewashed Hilfigers. I used to do martial arts. I drive a Dodge Magnum.

Bouncer Meathead – Every Thursday I drive two hours to bounce at a college bar at the school I graduated from in 2003. After I spend all night getting in dudes’ grilles and jawing with dudes about disc brakes, I drive directly to work Friday morning, tired as ****, and bask in the hangover of a kick-ass night sitting on that stool by the door looking tough. I love bouncing. I’m a wanton whore for it. If bouncing was smoking heroin, I’d be hunched over in an airplane toilet, chasing the dragon, setting off all kinds of alarms, freaking out the passengers, and it would be sweet. I’m an artistic meathead, a reflective meathead. I seek meaning to my meat headedness through bouncing. And if you’re cool, I’ll give you that sly, disinterested wave-in when you get to the door, and I won’t press you for your ID. But be cool, man.

Those two are the best :laugh:

"I drive a Dodge Magnum" :rotflmao:

(pretty much sums up the entire Dodge line of vehicles, if you ask me. Short on testosterone? Got a small tallywacker? Buy a Hemi. That is basically what their ad copy is nowadays)

[PleaseBlitz]

Man, I hate the guys in jeans and boots. They always seem to be AT the gym, just never actually doing anything. Just talking about "blasting this" or "ripping" that.

Alltime favorite PhatPhree article: 100 people in need of a vicious beating.

[codeorama]

We have nicknames for all the meatheads at our gym also

At Tech it was hilarious, because it seemed every dude at the student gym was juicing

LOL, we have the "juicers" as well, you know exactly who they are... :laugh:

[PSUHeckler]

I also like the ones that hafta wear gloves to protect their delicate little hands, or have to wear an iPod for motivation, when putting up massive amounts such as 25lb dumbbells. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I hate that crap.

And guys, if ya need to grunt loud enough for the entire gym to hear, it's too much damn weight; take a break, do cardio, and try to lose your beer gut

*edit (cuz people take it offensively) - gloves and iPod should only be used if doing heavy weights. As for grunting, doing it the last rep or so is fine. But there's no reason the gym has to know when you start and stop your set

[Spaceman Spiff]

I saw this guy at the Mason field house a couple days ago whos pecs were bigger than most girls boobs, it was sick. I overheard him talking to his 'roid buddies about doing winstrol. They all stand around the bench press verbally jerking each other off, its hysterical.

[smashmowf]

Maaaaaaaaaaaaan that is freakin funny.....the dodge magnum....classic!

[PleaseBlitz]

I also like the ones that hafta wear gloves to protect their delicate little hands, or have to wear an iPod for motivation, when putting up massive amounts such as 25lb dumbbells. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I hate that crap.

And guys, if ya need to grunt loud enough for the entire gym to hear, it's too much damn weight; take a break, do cardio, and try to lose your beer gut

HEY! Dont knock the iPods. It keeps me form having to listen to the latest theories on stacking multiple supplements.

"DUDE, you gotta take 40 grams of protein before you lift, then SLAM 12 ounces of creatine right after" Yeah, right after you put the anabolics in your ass kong.

[nickfox45]

haha this is hilarious, and very true.

my roommate is a doorman at a bar, and he says the only guys who ever really cause trouble are the 'mini-meathead' types, the guys who are only 5 feet tall and bitter. they all have a huge chip on their shoulder, out to prove they're bigger than they look. or maybe its just the roid rage!

[TheKurp]

I also like the ones that hafta wear gloves to protect their delicate little hands, or have to wear an iPod for motivation, when putting up massive amounts such as 25lb dumbbells. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I hate that crap.

And guys, if ya need to grunt loud enough for the entire gym to hear, it's too much damn weight; take a break, do cardio, and try to lose your beer gut

It's been my experience that most women don't like the feel of heavily calloused hands caressing parts of their body. That's reason enough for me to wear gloves while lifting free weights.

[Fatty P For The Pulitzer]

:laugh: That was great! Luckily, my gym is fairly small, so there isn't a large crowd of meatheads, and the ones we have don't bother me the way the meatheads on this list would.

And yeah, lay off the iPod users! The music they play at my gym is awful, unless you're into dance club reject music.

[Mr. S]

I call them silverback gorillas. They stand there spotting each other, saying words really fast (and I mean really fast) like:

"come on come on you can do it come on one more set come on come on lets go lets go lets do this lets go come on you can do it lets go push push feel the burn come on come on push"

just sounds like a bunch of gorillas moving around

[KDawg]

I also like the ones that hafta wear gloves to protect their delicate little hands, or have to wear an iPod for motivation, when putting up massive amounts such as 25lb dumbbells. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I hate that crap.

And guys, if ya need to grunt loud enough for the entire gym to hear, it's too much damn weight; take a break, do cardio, and try to lose your beer gut

I carry an iPod because I enjoy to listen to music when I lift. Next time before I do I'll ask your permission...

And lifting heavy weights is called power lifting. Sometimes you grunt when power lifting.

[PleaseBlitz]

And yeah, lay off the iPod users! The music they play at my gym is awful, unless you're into dance club reject music.

You must lift at a Golds. God, the "Golds Gym Network" music video station plays 3 songs. One is Justin Timberlake, one is Gwen Stefani, and one is some eurotrash that ive never even heard of. :doh:

[skins1972]

I dont stretch, I warm up for 10 minutes and I am ready to hit the weights!! I have no problem with spotters or being loud!! I have been lifting for along time now, I go there to do my thing and get out and I can hardly care what people think about me or what I look like!! If it takes me grunting to move s#$# load of weights then that is what its going to take!! get used to it bro

[KDawg]

I dont stretch, I warm up for 10 minutes and I am ready to hit the weights!! I have no problem with spotters or being loud!! I have been lifting for along time now, I go there to do my thing and get out and I can hardly care what people think about me or what I look like!! If it takes me grunting to move s#$# load of weights then that is what its going to take!! get used to it bro

Only one way to reply to this...

:notworthy

[footballhenry]

Hey, I work out! Whats it to ya!!!!! (goes in insane steroid-induced rage!!!!!)

[footballhenry]

*note: I dont actually take steroids, its just a joke......aheem..

[Leonard Washington]

I call them silverback gorillas. They stand there spotting each other, saying words really fast (and I mean really fast) like:

"come on come on you can do it come on one more set come on come on lets go lets go lets do this lets go come on you can do it lets go push push feel the burn come on come on push"

just sounds like a bunch of gorillas moving around

:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:

[9_to_42_td]

Its the people with the station workouts who try to monopolize the entire gym with their Richard Simmons weights on each station doing one set on each station.

[footballhenry]

Its the people with the station workouts who try to monopolize the entire gym with their Richard Simmons weights on each station doing one set on each station.

yeah that does annoy me

[Leonard Washington]

i'm annoyed by people who stand around, talk, or lounge on machines/benches.

another pet peeve is i hate when people stand around doorways. get the **** out the way! :mad: