themurf Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 (photo by Brian Murphy) Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the eighth-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year. Arizona Cardinals – For his career, Kevin Kolb is 3-4 with 11 touchdowns and 21 turnovers (14 interceptions and seven fumbles). In Arizona, that translates into a five-year, $63 million contract. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons have won 33 of 48 regular season games over the last three years, while going winless in the playoffs. They’re one more postseason collapse away from moving to San Jose and naming Joe Thornton captain. Baltimore Ravens – I’m convinced Ricky Williams signed with the Ravens after watching The Wire. Don’t be shocked when he tries to move to Hamsterdam. Buffalo Bills – I’m pretty sure it’s not a good sign when your team’s best player is your punter. (We miss you, Sean Taylor.) Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have paid out more than $100 million in signing bonuses this offseason because, any time you have the chance to overpay the core of a 2-14 team, you’ve gotta do it. Chicago Bears – It’s probably not a good sign that Jay Cutler’s most consistent target during his time in Chicago has been DeAngelo Hall. Cincinnati Bengals – With Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco gone, the Bengals don’t have five players on the roster casual fans can name. Sadly, they might not even have five players worth learning the names of. Cleveland Browns – The one head coach in Ohio worth a damn took his sweater vest and went home. Dallas Cowboys – Little known fact: Tony Romo sits to pee and Candace Crawford were originally supposed to get married at the end of last year, but she demanded the date be moved to July because, as you know, Romo sits to pee never shows up in December. Denver Broncos – Broncos fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Tim Tebow to be the team’s quarterback even though he’s not any good. Detroit Lions – The Lions head into an NFL season with legitimate expectations for the first time since Barry Sanders carried the load in the Motor City. What could go wrong? And we'll skip ahead to the home team ... Washington Redskins – Because the Redskins haven’t even won their own division since Bill Clinton last enjoyed a cigar in the Oval Office. Click here for the full list of teams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustAfan47 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Lol..... Nice work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themurf Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 Taking cheapshots at Tony Romo sits to pee and the Cowboys is always a fun way to start the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S.T.real,lights,out Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Ahhhh, great as always. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MintHillSkinsFan Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 San Diego Chargers - Norv Turner Now that's funny. And truer words were never written. I still can't believe that schmuck was here for 7 years. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsCrushCowboys Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Nice...that is not all Bill Clinton enjoyed in the oval office.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boss_Hogg Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Dallas Cowboys – Little known fact: Tony Romo sits to pee and Candace Crawford were originally supposed to get married at the end of last year, but she demanded the date be moved to July because, as you know, Romo sits to pee never shows up in December. Burn Good read! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostofSparta Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner. :rotflmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdigle Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Good post. It's a good thing that majority of us here don't even care if the 'Skins make to the Super Bowl this year. We're looking at the big picture, so maybe we'll be upset if they don't make it 4 to 5 years down the line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TK Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Props for the Hamsterdam reference alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
81+83+84=Posse Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Sounds like a postive for the Vikings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destructis Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I would wear a t-shirt with the Pukes comment on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skins island connection Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Lets all hope for a turnaround this year for th' Skins. No emotional runs in the season, no controversial calls to win games, and please for the love of god and anything holy, can we PLEASE beat someone by more than 30 points, just ONCE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrypticVillain Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 We can all agree that the Chargers one is the funniest, but I think this deserves second: Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning is good and all, but I’m pretty sure even he needs a healthy neck to be effective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themurf Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 We can all agree that the Chargers one is the funniest, but I think this deserves second: For what it's worth, I enjoyed writing the Ravens and Jaguars comments the most. Like I said, this is something I look forward to each year. Glad to see a few people around here enjoy it as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrypticVillain Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 For what it's worth, I enjoyed writing the Ravens and Jaguars comments the most. Like I said, this is something I look forward to each year. Glad to see a few people around here enjoy it as well. Forgot about the Jaguars. That is the one that I almost spit water out of my mouth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaimeDeCurry Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I lol'd at this: Jake Locker is great … as long as you're looking for a quarterback with accuracy issues who isn’t very good at reading defenses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KDawg Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Chicago Bears – It’s probably not a good sign that Jay Cutler’s most consistent target during his time in Chicago has been DeAngelo Hall. This one is hilarious. Cleveland Browns – The one head coach in Ohio worth a damn took his sweater vest and went home. Eh, as a coach, I don't find this one funny. Just because we haven't heard of him doesn't mean he's not any good. Denver Broncos – Broncos fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Tim Tebow to be the team’s quarterback even though he’s not any good. Meanwhile, in DC... (Nehemiah Broughton? Jesse Lumsden? ) Detroit Lions – The Lions head into an NFL season with legitimate expectations for the first time since Barry Sanders carried the load in the Motor City. What could go wrong? Jacksonville Jaguars – NFL blackout rules prevent Jacksonville fans from reading this. :ols: :ols: Minnesota Vikings – If Donovan McNabb couldn’t get it done in Washington, what exactly is he supposed to accomplish in Minnesota with a legit running back, an improved offensive line and a head coach who doesn’t openly despise him? Throw more worm burners? Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker is great … as long as you’re looking for a quarterback with accuracy issues who isn’t very good at reading defenses Eh. Cheap shot at a rookie QB. Some were awesome, some were horrendous But 26/32 ain't bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terrifNick21 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I liked the Saints and 49ers best myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsGuy Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 For what it's worth, I enjoyed writing the Ravens and Jaguars comments the most. Like I said, this is something I look forward to each year. Glad to see a few people around here enjoy it as well. I like the one about the Raiders... fastest four win team in the league. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kindred Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 seattle seahawks – i’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that replacing matt hasselbeck with tarvaris jackson isn’t really an upgrade. :ols: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themurf Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Eh, as a coach, I don't find this one funny. Just because we haven't heard of him doesn't mean he's not any good. By your logic am I then supposed to blindly defend anyone in the media simply because that's what I do for a living? I think you're over-analyzing a random one-liner a bit too much. Cleveland is always terrible. The one time they were halfway decent, the league moved them to Baltimore. They're the one franchise who couldn't win with Bill Belichick as their head coach. So yeah, I made fun of the fact that the one coach in Ohio who was universally respected because he was able to churn out a consistent winner was run out of town as well. That's par for the course with Browns fans. I know because two of my closest friends are Cleveland fans. Hell, I joke with them that the difference between their favorite team and mine is we pay twice as much for the same results. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KDawg Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 By your logic am I then supposed to blindly defend anyone in the media simply because that's what I do for a living? I think you're over-analyzing a random one-liner a bit too much. I am not overanalyzing, #288. You take it back. I joke with them that the difference between their favorite team and mine is we pay twice as much for the same results. Now that's funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redskins_2231 Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 I just saw someplace a stat about Norv being the only coach who has been coaching for 13 seasons and still has a sub-.500 record. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iMeast Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Hardy har har ;-) HTTR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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