CNN.com: 'Gayby boom': Children of gay couples speak out

[#98QBKiller]

Interesting article IMO.

This is a story that my parents would've never seen when they were kids or probably even my age.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/06/28/gayby/index.html

CNN -- Jesse Levey is a Republican activist who says he believes in family values, small government and his lesbian mothers' right to marry.

Levey is part of the "gayby boom" generation. The 29-year-old management consultant is the son of a lesbian couple who chose to have a child through artificial insemination. He's their only child.

Critics of same-sex marriage say people such as Levey will grow up shunned and sexually confused. Yet he says he's a "well-adjusted heterosexual" whose upbringing proves that love, not gender, makes a family.

"You can imagine what my parents thought when I was 13 and listening to Rush Limbaugh everyday," Levey says. "But my family had strong family values. I was raised in a loving, caring household that let me be a free thinker." Watch how bar riots sparked gay movement »

The modern gay rights movement began 40 years ago this weekend during the Stonewall Riots in New York City. While much of the controversy surrounding gay rights today has centered on same-sex marriage, a battle is brewing over another family issue: Is it bad for children to be raised by gay or lesbian parents. Explore the modern gay rights movement »

It damages the children, says Dale O'Leary, author of "One Man, One Woman: A Catholics Guide to Defending Marriage." She says that all children have a natural desire for a parent of each gender.

But children of same-sex couples are forced to repress that desire because their parents won't accept it, she says. Their parents won't acknowledge their children's needs because they don't want to admit that they have caused their children to suffer.

"A baby is not a trophy -- the child's welfare has to be considered," she says. "These children are more likely to experiment with same-sex relationships. They're more likely to be confused and hurt."

Children of same-sex couples come out of the closet

O'Leary says she doesn't personally know any same-sex parents or their children. That's the problem, some children of same-sex children say. So many people are talking about them; not enough are talking to them, they say.

Some gayby boomers say they are tired of hearing that their family isn't legitimate. It's an argument many have heard since they were children. They learned that they didn't fit the definition of the "right" family, and worried how others would react if they found out about their parents.

The result: the children of same-sex couples often lived lives that were more closeted than their parents.

"Many of us were so closeted that we didn't know others like us were out there," says Danielle Silber, a 26-year-old fundraiser for the International Rescue Committee, who was raised by lesbian mothers and gay fathers in Takoma Park, Maryland.

"In middle school, because of pervasive homophobia and taunting, I didn't tell any of my new friends in school about my family to the point where I wouldn't invite them to my birthday parties," Silber says.

Silber says she didn't tell her parents about her fear of harassment because she was afraid to stand up for her family in school even though she was proud of them.

"Although I would normally turn to my family, I couldn't because I was ashamed that I was ashamed of them," she says.

Shame has now turned to pride for some gayby boomers. Many are now adults. They're writing memoirs, searching one another out online and have even formed their own support and advocacy group.

Their numbers are increasing as well, according to COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere). At least 10 million people have one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender parent.

"As Harvey Milk [the first openly gay man elected to a major public office] said, the more people know us, the less they'll vote against us," says Silber, coordinator of COLAGE's New York chapter. "The more our voices are heard, the less other people will be bigoted."

Who do you call mom?

The more the children of same-sex couples come out, though, the more questions outsiders have about their unusual upbringing. Some common ones: Who do you call mom when you have two mothers? Did you ever miss not having a mom or dad?

And the most tedious for most gayby boomers: What's your sexual orientation?

The answers to these questions are as varied as the lives of gayby boomers themselves.

Take the question about missing a mom and dad. Jeff DeGroot, 23, was raised by two lesbian mothers in Oregon. He doesn't buy the argument that there's a void in his life because he never had a dad toss a baseball to him.

"My parents can throw a baseball and take me hiking just as well as any man could," DeGroot says. "I've always had a plethora of male role models. I never felt that I was missing anything by not having that dad for me."

DeGroot does periodically share one struggle with other same-sex children -- what do call his parents.

Since he's raised by two lesbians, who does he call mom? Other same-sex children address the same linguistic challenge by either calling their parents by their first names, or by using expressions like, "my other dad," or "kind-of-my mom," same-sex children researchers say.

"If I'm on one side of the house and I want to talk to my biological mom, I'll yell, 'Mother,' '' DeGroot says, chuckling. "If Meg [one of his mothers] says, 'Yes?' I'll say, 'No, other mother.' "

Dealing with teasing from classmates and the community isn't so easy, same-sex children say. It's not unusual to hear children of same-sex couples say that they were teased by classmates, but some of that may depend on their age and where they grew up.

DeGroot, for example grew up in Corvallis, Oregon. The city is in a college town and in a liberal state. DeGroot's age may help, too. He didn't grow up in the 1970s, but came of age recently when gay couples were generally more accepted.

DeGroot's biological mother, Elisabeth, says her community didn't criticize her or her partner for raising their son. Some of her son's friends actually thought their son was cool for having two lesbian moms, she says.

"It was so in being gay and lesbian," she says. "Some of Jeff's classmates would say, 'Oh, you got two moms? I got to meet them!' ''

Elisabeth's partner, Meg Grear, says she gets upset when she hears critics say that children of same-sex will grow up physiologically damaged.

"That makes me mad. I know better. There's Jeff," she says.

Do gay parents produce gay kids?

Some children of same-sex couples say their upbringing actually makes them psychologically stronger.

Abigail Garner, author of "Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It is," calls her upbringing a "fabulous gift." She is the daughter of two gay dads and a straight mom.

She says her interviews with other children of gay or lesbian parents showed that those who shared her upbringing tend to be more empathetic and unafraid to take unpopular stands.

"I'm not surprised when I hear gay parents say their child stood up for the kid who was bullied in class or reached out to the one with a disability," Garner says.

Some of the same children, though, face more difficulties dealing with questions about their sexual orientation. Garner, 37, who identifies as heterosexual, says some repress their sexuality because they don't want to give ammunition to their parents' critics.

"I know story after story of children who started to question their sexuality but stayed quiet about it out of fear that the truth would reflect poorly on their parents," Garner says.

Science has already weighed in on the question of whether same-sex couples tend to raise gay children -- and if there's something wrong if they do.

According to the American Psychological Association, numerous research shows that most kids of same-sex households describe themselves as heterosexual in roughly the same proportion as conventional families. The association also says that homosexuality is not deviant behavior but a normal expression of human sexuality.

The APA also concludes that gay parents are just as capable as straight parents, and that laws barring same-sex couples from adopting have no scientific basis.

Those laws, however, do exist. At least six states have explicit restrictions on adoptions by gays and lesbians: Florida, Mississippi, Arkansas, Utah, Nebraska and Minnesota, according to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

The laws may have been passed to protect the family, but allowing gay people to marry could actually strengthen the family, says Jesse Levey, the Republican activist who was raised by two lesbians.

"The conservative argument for family values is that we should be in married couples; I agree," Levey says. "If we want to see children raised by married couples, then we should let gay people get married."

A Republican lobbying for same-sex marriages might seem odd, but Levey says he embraces the conservative notion of individual freedom. He became a Republican at 12. Once, he sought permission for his middle school class to listen to Rush Limbaugh (he says he no longer listens to Limbaugh).

"When you grow up with Lesbian mothers, you can't get your ears pierced to rebel," he says. "I became a Republican."

Today, Levey sees his parents' choice not as an expression of rebellion, but as a desire for something that's actually a conservative virtue -- a loving family.

"I believe in family values, but family is about taking care of your children and respecting one another," he says. "It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is."

[IbleedBnG83]

Great post!

I have often thought about this. People are ready to speak in behalf of the children but haven't seemed to have talk to the children of gay/lesbian parents.

The fact that people use the argument "They will most likely grow up to be gay/straight" is ridiculous. Its NOT a deviant behavior. Its a form of sexuality. Obviously most people want their kids to be straight because we want to see them happy and have children of their own in a natural way. But the truth is that they will also be harassed most of their life. We also don't understand.

Acceptance and understanding needs to increase before any significant strides can be made. We are midst one of the most historical modern civil rights era.

[Burgold]

Just a guess, but I would almost imagine these kids are sometimes much better off than some with a straight parent or parents. At least you know that these parents really want to have the kid and are willing to fight and jump through all sorts of hurdles to get them. When I was a teacher, I met so many parents who seemingly just didn't care about their kids... couldn't be bothered.

[Bang]

Sounds like they grew up rather normal.

How the hell did that happen?

All i keep hearing is if you let queers adopt this or you let fags marry that, the whole country will turn into a pillar of salt. Pretty soon we'll be overrun with homos and awash in sin! People will want to marry their horse or their lounge chair, and you're just begging that every one of those kids be molested!

But this blasphemous article makes them homos sound damn near normal! Good parents? Loving families?

What the hell is goin' on around here?!

~Thumper

[ACW]

"i believe in family values, but family is about taking care of your children and respecting one another," he says. "it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is."

qft.

[IbleedBnG83]

I met so many parents who seemingly just didn't care about their kids... couldn't be bothered.

My wife is studying to be a teacher and has classroom experience with many parents. One thing she said is it didn't matter what race/gender/economic status (rich v poor), there are parents that just don't belong being parenst no matter if they are straight.

She did have the opportunity to work with a lesbian couple who had a child who were the most involved, caring, and sweetest parents you could ask for.

[DaveMason]

Thanks for the post. I am pro-same-sex marriage but must admit that I am uncomfortable with gays adopting children.

This article hasn't completely sold me one way or the other, but it's some nice new info to think about. I'd like to see studies done.

[IbleedBnG83]

Thanks for the post. I am pro-same-sex marriage but must admit that I am uncomfortable with gays adopting children.

Just curious: what makes you uncomfortable with the idea of same sex adopting/having children?

[Thiebear]

I was with the parents the other day and they made an offhand remark about the night they were going to have. I don't want to hear it at 41 let alone 14. If your involving your child in what your doing behind closed doors you need to drop them off at the nearest foster home.

What difference does it make if you got a swing or bucket of lube or riding crop if your hetro, but the "other" lifestyle could be harmful to the child.

The only thing that is harmful to a child is:

Them being afraid to call you if their friend the driver is drunk and its 2am.

You not knowing their teachers names and or school work.

You not knowing (to the best of your ability) their friends and locations.

You not spending TIME with them due to your 3 jobs to make ends meet, but drive a bmw and have an iphone with high def 60 inch plasma to see ALL the channels.

Makes me sick to see how some people treat their kids while they talk down about others.

*Having been divorced twice, I'm the poster boy for giving Marriage a bad name. Can't blame the gheys.

[Corcaigh]

In spite of claims to the contrary, the person in the article, Jesse Levey, did grow up confused and damaged. By the age of 13 he was listening to Rush Limbaugh every day, and he became a Republican activist.

I was 100% supportive of same-sex couples being parents, but now I'm not so sure.

[Larry]

Sounds like they grew up rather normal.

How the hell did that happen?

All i keep hearing is if you let queers adopt this or you let fags marry that, the whole country will turn into a pillar of salt. Pretty soon we'll be overrun with homos and awash in sin! People will want to marry their horse or their lounge chair, and you're just begging that every one of those kids be molested!

Dog and cats, living together!

[Burgold]

In spite of claims to the contrary, the person in the article, Jesse Levey, did grow up confused and damaged. By the age of 13 he was listening to Rush Limbaugh every day, and he became a Republican activist.

I was 100% supportive of same-sex couples being parents, but now I'm not so sure.

You know... that's very tough logic to argue against. The kid practically grew up to be Alex P. Keaton.

[Box76]

Some of the same children, though, face more difficulties dealing with questions about their sexual orientation. Garner, 37, who identifies as heterosexual, says some repress their sexuality because they don't want to give ammunition to their parents' critics.

"In middle school, because of pervasive homophobia and taunting, I didn't tell any of my new friends in school about my family to the point where I wouldn't invite them to my birthday parties.

"

Although I would normally turn to my family, I couldn't because I was ashamed that I was ashamed of them

"A baby is not a trophy -- the child's welfare has to be considered," she says. "These children are more likely to experiment with same-sex relationships. They're more likely to be confused and hurt."

No justification can be made to put adopted babies in this type of environment. If a gay couple wants children there are other alternatives like invetro or surrogacy. Atleast the child will be blood relation to one of the parents.

[ACW]

No justification can be made to put adopted babies in this type of environment.

As opposed to having them in an abusive home? Anecdotal evidence isn't good enough.

[gbear]

Box 76, sounds to me like most of the problems the kids experienced with gay parents weren't from the parents but rather from society not accepting their parents. I think that says a lot. It seems the problem isn't with them but rather with us, correct?

[LaxBuddy21]

Wouldnt we expect the ones that were happy to speak out in support? Do we know if there are ones that were unhappy about their situation and are still too embarrassed to speak out? I wonder how much selection bias occurs when these people are interviewed. Just a thought.

Now my opinion is that gay couples who want a children are more likely to be better parents because they planned to have the child and clearly wanted one. I think the same thing can be said for most adoptive parents. They care about the child more so because of the effort they went through to get them. My wife is adopted and her parents spent a lot of time, money and effort to get her. I remind her all the time that she was chosen by her parents. I on the other hand was an oops! Fortunately for me, I had a great mother who cared about me a lot and raised me right. I think there are too many people out there having kids they dont want or just want for the government check that comes with them. Those are the people I am worried about having kids not the gays and lesbians! Difference of sexuality has no impact on ability to be a good parent.

[IbleedBnG83]

No justification can be made to put adopted babies in this type of environment. If a gay couple wants children there are other alternatives like invetro or surrogacy. Atleast the child will be blood relation to one of the parents.

Those were all HORRIBLE quotes to argue against same sex parents. Those same things can be said for heterosexual couples!!!

[LaxBuddy21]

No justification can be made to put adopted babies in this type of environment. If a gay couple wants children there are other alternatives like invetro or surrogacy. Atleast the child will be blood relation to one of the parents.

This is just flat out ignorance. I would rather be raised by gay parents that loved me than straight parents that only had me for the welfare check or didnt want me in the first place. Who do you think turns out worse?

[Burgold]

Wouldnt we expect the ones that were happy to speak out in support? Do we know if there are ones that were unhappy about their situation and are still too embarrassed to speak out? I wonder how much selection bias occurs when these people are interviewed. Just a thought.

Now my opinion is that gay couples who want a children are more likely to be better parents because they planned to have the child and clearly wanted one. I think the same thing can be said for most adoptive parents.

Those are the people I am worried about having kids not the gays and lesbians! Difference of sexuality has no impact on ability to be a good parent.

That's basically where I'm coming from too. Although, I do acknowledge that there is going to be a societal pressure and awkwardness that the kids will have to deal with. I think the benefit of the loving household with nurturing parents trumps that, but kids can and are cruel.

I strongly suspect this issue parallels a number of the societal uneasiness that children of mixed races had to contend with in the 50's-70's. Thankfully today, we are colorblind to those kids today. Hopefully, in the future kids with gay parents will not deal with strain. I'm certain they did ten or twenty years ago. I think they still do today.

After tallying up everything, I'd guess that kids with gay parents are often luckier/better off than many kids with no parents, abusive parents, absentee parents, alcholic parents, etc.

[Box76]

As opposed to having them in an abusive home? Anecdotal evidence isn't good enough.

Are you saying gay couples are immune from abusing children? An adopted child in a gay home will without a doubt face many challenges they would normally not experience in a straight household. The burden this child will have to carry cannot be justified by the mere desire of a gay couple to have the one thing, by their own nature,which is unattainable to them.

[LaxBuddy21]

That's basically where I'm coming from too. Although, I do acknowledge that there is going to be a societal pressure and awkwardness that the kids will have to deal with. I think the benefit of the loving household with nurturing parents trumps that, but kids can and are cruel.

I strongly suspect this issue parallels a number of the societal uneasiness that children of mixed races had to contend with in the 50's-70's. Thankfully today, we are colorblind to those kids today. Hopefully, in the future kids with gay parents will not deal with strain. I'm certain they did ten or twenty years ago. I think they still do today.

After tallying up everything, I'd guess that kids with gay parents are often luckier/better off than many kids with no parents, abusive parents, absentee parents, alcholic parents, etc.

Kids are always going to have to deal with issues at school no matter what. I mean I got ripped up one side and down the other for being poor when I was in elementary school. Other kids had all these designer clothes and mine were from Walmart. I think I ended up much better off because of my frugal upbringing but at the time it was not fun. Kids are just cruel. Like you said, race has become less and less of an issue over time and hopefully this will be too. There will always be people who hate no matter what but hopefully this will be come more accepted on the whole.

[#98QBKiller]

Just a guess, but I would almost imagine these kids are sometimes much better off than some with a straight parent or parents. At least you know that these parents really want to have the kid and are willing to fight and jump through all sorts of hurdles to get them. When I was a teacher, I met so many parents who seemingly just didn't care about their kids... couldn't be bothered.

Now my opinion is that gay couples who want a children are more likely to be better parents because they planned to have the child and clearly wanted one. I think the same thing can be said for most adoptive parents. They care about the child more so because of the effort they went through to get them. My wife is adopted and her parents spent a lot of time, money and effort to get her. I remind her all the time that she was chosen by her parents. I on the other hand was an oops! Fortunately for me, I had a great mother who cared about me a lot and raised me right. I think there are too many people out there having kids they dont want or just want for the government check that comes with them. Those are the people I am worried about having kids not the gays and lesbians! Difference of sexuality has no impact on ability to be a good parent.

I very strongly agree with both of you here. I feel that gay couples (and straight couples) that have to make it through all of the red tape to become parents through adoption, surrogacy, etc. are going to be more dedicated to the responsibility of parenting than a lot of couples who may take the ability to have children for granted.

Wouldnt we expect the ones that were happy to speak out in support? Do we know if there are ones that were unhappy about their situation and are still too embarrassed to speak out? I wonder how much selection bias occurs when these people are interviewed. Just a thought.

In the same way couldn't we expect the ones that are unhappy to speak out in protest? Embarrassment isn't limited to the unhappy. It's possible that there are lots of happy people raised by same-sex couples that still may not feel comfortable talking about it to a news agency. But I agree with you about the selection bias point.

What difference does it make if you got a swing or bucket of lube or riding crop if your hetro, but the "other" lifestyle could be harmful to the child.

You're pretty familiar with some of these terms Thiebear, maybe this stuff isn't all that foreign to you?

The only thing that is harmful to a child is:

Them being afraid to call you if their friend the driver is drunk and its 2am.

You not knowing their teachers names and or school work.

You not knowing (to the best of your ability) their friends and locations.

You not spending TIME with them due to your 3 jobs to make ends meet, but drive a bmw and have an iphone with high def 60 inch plasma to see ALL the channels.

:applause:

Great points. Like someone else quoted earlier, family means taking care of your children, and being a good or bad parent isn't defined by sexual orientation.

[ACW]

Are you saying gay couples are immune from abusing children?

:no: Are you saying gay couples can't be good parents?

[DaveMason]

Just curious: what makes you uncomfortable with the idea of same sex adopting/having children?

I'm fine with gays "having" children. I know several gay couples who have biological children. I just think, all other things being equal, that children would benefit more from having a traditional mother and father--and adoption agencies should try to put children in homes that will give them the best chance at living a good, successful life.

Now if the choice is between a married mother and father who are drugged-out losers who only want the baby to collect a welfare check or whatever, then sure the gay couple would be preferable. A loving gay couple is much preferable to an unloving straight couple. A comparison could be made to single-parent households. I know plenty of single moms who have done fantastic jobs of raising their children. Better than a lot of married couples. But I still feel that having both parents in the home gives a child the best chance of success, and I would think adoption policies would have to take that into account.

I'm just saying that for all of this talk about "equal adoption rights", I'm not 100% sure that straight married couples shouldn't be given preference over gay couples or single parents.

This opinion is flexible, but that's my gut feeling right now.

[IbleedBnG83]

I just think, all other things being equal, that children would benefit more from having a traditional mother and father...

Thats the problem, all things are not equal.

But I do understand what you are saying.