What it takes to be a good husband and father?

[MikeInJc aka M.I.A.]

Well, I figured I'd enlist in some possible suggestions from the ES community

While I was out tonight at the bar, I saw what I would call an "aquaintance" at BEST. We used to be good friends, but that ended when he decided to not pay me for the Dallas Cowboy ticket I graciously sold him about two years ago. Some of you might remember "Jerry" from that tailgate.

I've seen him out at the bar TWO weekends in a row. His wife is home pregnant with possible twins (they think they might have seen another one at second glance of the ultra sound) and she is at least 6 months along. He was out with his friend and his friends wife while his pregnant wife is at his friends house watching his friends kids.

I have been friends with his wife for a while now and it just got to much to see him going out and knowing she's not getting any help at home. Did I mention that their bank account is negative $500 due to his financial irresponsibilty??? Then he calls his friends and says "he needs some money, because his wife got a little crazy with the debit card". WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I approached him tonight askig him why he was out when his pregnant wife was at home babysitting. His response was "she's not that pregnant". This would be about the time I lost it and proceded in telling him "once his wife has their kids that's she going to have a house full of kids to watch after, his kids and himself".

He got all pissed saying I was disrespecting him and :blahblah: . I really don't think I was over stepping my boundarys, because the **** needed to be said. He is 27 years old and his wife is 23 or 24 and he's going to be a father???? I told him he needed a reality check and that no one else had the balls to say it the way it needed to be said.

For one, if I was still married and my wife was pregnant, I wouldn't even think about going out, except for maybe a golf outting during the DAY, but NEVER at NIGHT alone. WTF is wrong with people.

And here I am, single and what I think would be a good father and I know I want to have a family and this piece of **** gets to be a dad and get that pleasure????:rant::cuss:

Guess I'm just venting, but figured I'd open it up to the ES board to see if I was in the wrong or if was to light with his 12 year old ass.

[Slateman]

Honestly, you should have just stayed out of his life. Unless he's breaking the law (ie, rape, abuse, ect) its really no one's business.

[FanboyOf91]

He's right, it's not your problem. You can't change anything at this point.

On a different note, it sounds like he's a deadbeat so a divorce seems likely in the future.

[Kosher Ham]

Terrible thread title. You certainly don't need children to be a man if that is what you are implying, nor do you need kids to be a woman.

Maybe his wife and he have an agreement of when he goes out.

Why can't you go out when your wife is pregnant ? That seems silly to me.

Known his wife, but only an acquaintance with her husband ?

Their financial problems...None of your business. If he or she are talking about them with acquaintances...There is a bigger problem than you can likely help.

Seriously, it sounds like you have a little bit of a crush on his lady, and are jealous because of his children.

Sorry, I think you over stepped your boundaries.

[Blondie]

Terrible thread title. You certainly don't need children to be a man if that is what you are implying, nor do you need kids to be a woman.

Maybe his wife and he have an agreement of when he goes out.

Why can't you go out when your wife is pregnant ? That seems silly to me.

Known his wife, but only an acquaintance with her husband ?

Their financial problems...None of your business. If he or she are talking about them with acquaintances...There is a bigger problem than you can likely help.

Seriously, it sounds like you have a little bit of a crush on his lady, and are jealous because of his children.

Sorry, I think you over stepped your boundaries.

May I add to the above highlighted text?

HAVING children does NOT make you a man either.

Thanks KH. Just wanted to add that part.

[Kosher Ham]

Babe, add on all you want.

Being a man is much more than having kids.

Being a man has responsibilities. Especially, when you have children. But starting when you have self worth. Then you add a significant other, and maybe kids... A man can handle his and do what he needs to do regardless. There is NO SHAME in cleaning a toilet day after day, to provide and uphold your responsibility as a man to take care of the ones you love.

Thankfully, I only have my wife and myself to (technically) provide for ( I have God sons), but regardless...as a woman...she would do the same for me (and the boys), and has told me so repeatedly. And I am in a position in life as a man to not have to scrub toilets, or as my Dad used to say, "Dig ditches".

Again being a man has absolutely nothing to do with kids, nor does being a woman. Start with being responsible for yourself, and your actions...then MAYBE you are ready.

[DeanCollins]

Well Mike, maybe it's not your job to set the guy straight, but he sounds like a ****up to me. Going out drinking and spending money that you should be paying bills with, while your pregnant wife watches someone elses kids is irresponsible and sounds like a drinking problem to me. The **** needed to be said, and someday when he's divorced and without a job or a drivers license, he'll remember what you said. So I believe telling people like it is, when they're clueless and ****ing up has value, as long as your motives are in line. The reality is, that it will probably be a long time, and a lot of damage done to his family, before it sinks in. His young wife has no clue.

[MikeInJc aka M.I.A.]

Terrible thread title. You certainly don't need children to be a man if that is what you are implying, nor do you need kids to be a woman.

Maybe his wife and he have an agreement of when he goes out.

Why can't you go out when your wife is pregnant ? That seems silly to me.

Known his wife, but only an acquaintance with her husband ?

Their financial problems...None of your business. If he or she are talking about them with acquaintances...There is a bigger problem than you can likely help.

Seriously, it sounds like you have a little bit of a crush on his lady, and are jealous because of his children.

Sorry, I think you over stepped your boundaries.

I made the title under the premise that he needs to man up and be a man, not that it means you have to have kids to be a man. Sorry I guess my true intent got lost in words.

I was friends with them both, actually knowing him longer, but I changed his status to aquaintance because a true friend would stiff you out of money and try mooching off you every second he gets.

As for them arguing? I'm sure they do have some disagreements, but that's EVERY married couple, it's still no excuse to leave your pregnant wife at home.

For example, she said to him, "hey I'm going to clean the house up" and his response was "have fun with that, I'm going out to the bar".:mad:

As I said in my original post, I might have overstepped my boundaries, but I'm sick and tired of seeing good women done wrong and seeing kids go through divorces just because some piece of **** still wants to live like a kid and not take responsibility for the ones he has or is going to have.

I can see where you're coming from with thinking I might like her (the wife), more than a friend. It actually couldn't be further from the truth. When we used to hang out, her and the boy, she thought of me as a older brother, just how the way I treat her. There has never been and never will be anything remotely close to sexual or romantically inclined feelings between her and I. Just good friends like it always has been.

[BigMike619]

Mike,

I would steer as clear of all of this I could unless specifically approached by her asking you to help her. All that is going to happen is you are going to try and talk to the guy with nothing but good intentions and it is going to cause stress between her and him. He is going to go off to her about you constantly and it is going to strain yours and hers relationship until it is no more.

I have been there man and I can tell you that women will always side with their man no matter what a douchebag he is until they are fully ready to make that step themselves and get out.

It is nice to see you have a heart though man and care about someone. I can appreciate your concern...

[gortiz]

you did good ...

his wife is your friend, so you were in part standing up for her. Also, this scumbag is going to have kids that won't have a voice of their own, so in a way you did this for them too...

while i agree, it is probably better to keep out of peoples business, but you are human. you see a screwed up thing going on and you decided not bury your head in the sand.

[Tastes Like Chicken]

Even though he hasn't acted like a true friend in the past, what you did is what a friend does- tell the truth, even if it isn't pretty. I think you did the right thing. This isn't about this one time going out, it's a multitude of things that you know about and have observed.

I have a friend like this, who still owes my money from the '05 season tix, and has acted fiscally irresponsible in many facets of his life. But he's so damn hard headed that he doesn't listen, and continues to make poor decision after poor decision because of his obsession with material things. Every once in a while I have to tell him the truth about himself, because no one else is going to. I needed a person like that when I was in my early 20's but didn't have it. At least I can say I tried with him, if nothing else.

[Mark The Homer]

The guy's a piece of ****.

BUT...

The women is at least partly at fault for choosing him in the first place.

[Destino]

What is wrong with going out at night alone? Some people have strange rules I guess. My wife and I go out seperately with our friends all the time, our entire social circle is like this. We haven't had kids yet but many of our friends have and when the happy father-to-be goes out for some beers no one gives him any problems.

But it's his life and if his wife is cool with him hangin out with his friends at night, why not? If she has a problem or needs anything there's that mighty invention called the cell phone. For all I know the guys needs some time to unwind, pregnancy can be hard on a couple and some people cool off and get along better when they spend a few hours apart.

Now I understand about the being broke part... that's crap. If you're broke you shouldn't be out spending money. There is no two ways about it. Nor should a married man be out hitting on women. If he's out disrespecting his wife and blowing all their money this dude is a joker in need of a reality check.

[chipwhich]

Every marriage is different.

Maybe the wife wants him out of the house? If that works for the relationship...what do you care?

There is no "right" way to work in a relationship. I have seen bad ones last too long and good ones go away too fast.

What I would never do is judge a relationship by looking at it through a peep hole.

You never know nowadays. What if the woman was pregnant by her boyfriend hahaha. Maybe she kicks him to the bar so she can call the real father. There are a ton of possibilities. But you only know what you know peeping in.

[TK]

Hey! yeah, yeah. Uh huh.

Bustin' ass all day

Just to put food on the table.

And I always will for as long as I am able.

Done all I could,

Ev'rything that a man should do.

Still they refuse to call me,

Call me what I am. Hey!

Do you know what it takes to be a man?

Don't take a whole lots of money,

Diamond rings upon your hand, no.

That ain't what it takes to be a man.

Do right by the ones you love,

Always give a helpin' hand. Yes, I do.

Now I've been through it all

Seen the good, the bad, the ugly.

Always take care of my share of responsibilities.

Now, just because I grow my hair

And play in a rockin' band,

Old folks are always telling me,

"Boy, why don't you grow up

And be a man." Hey!

I know what it takes to be a man.

It ain't the way you look

Or the clothes that you wear.

That ain't what it takes to be a man.

Do right by the ones you love,

Always lend a helpin' hand.

I know I got what it takes,

I know I got what it takes to be a man.

So go ahead and say what you will.

Because I know what I am,

Just what I am. Ow!

Alright. Ow! Hey!

I know what it takes to be a man.

I've got what it takes

And you know I know what I am.

I know what it takes to be a man.

So go ahead, say what you will

'Cause I know what I am.

I'm a man.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo. I'm a man.

I know I got what it takes,

I know I got what it takes, ow!

[TMK9973]

Stay out.

You have no idea.

Maybe they fight like cats and dogs and she said get out

Maybe it works

maybe it doesn't

You don't know.

What ever you think you know, you don't

[Destino]

You don't know.

What ever you think you know, you don't

That's a good point. Marriages are a black box to outsiders. They never know what's really going on, at best they get a dishonest one sided inaccurate telling of a particular event out of context.

[moviedude25]

The OP is wrong wrong wrong. You over stepped your bounds and had no right to say anything to that guy. I've been married for 10 years now and have two children. My wife and I both have lives outside of the other. She knows I like to go out and tie one on from time to time and she knows I'm not out whoring myself around and has no problem letting me go out with the boys. At the same time she goes out all the time with her girlfriends and lets loose. We are perfectly happy, madly in love, and our children are always our first priority. Its because of our committment to being responsible parents that we don't party together unless we have the kids staying with someone else overnight. She loves me and understands that I need to get out from time to time and relax. She doesn't play the game of getting jealous, she understands her man and knows she gets a turn too. When she was pregnant, it wouldn't have done me any good if she told me to stay home because she couldn't go out, that's selfish. When she was pregnant and I went out I came home and slept on the couch so as not to disturb her sleep. We had no problems and its stupid for you to suggest that your being a good friend telling that dude he should stay home with his pregnant wife. It shows you are immature.

As for the mans finances, how the hell do you know about them? Are you balencing his books? Do you know for sure he's broke? You said he's not your friend so how could you?

You shoulda got knocked out for being that stupid and saying that load of crap. Learn to be a man before getting involved in business thats left for adults.

[Capt Rich Fla]

Well, I figured I'd enlist in some possible suggestions from the ES community

While I was out tonight at the bar, I saw what I would call an "aquaintance" at BEST. We used to be good friends, but that ended when he decided to not pay me for the Dallas Cowboy ticket I graciously sold him about two years ago. Some of you might remember "Jerry" from that tailgate.

I've seen him out at the bar TWO weekends in a row. His wife is home pregnant with possible twins (they think they might have seen another one at second glance of the ultra sound) and she is at least 6 months along. He was out with his friend and his friends wife while his pregnant wife is at his friends house watching his friends kids.

I have been friends with his wife for a while now and it just got to much to see him going out and knowing she's not getting any help at home. Did I mention that their bank account is negative $500 due to his financial irresponsibilty??? Then he calls his friends and says "he needs some money, because his wife got a little crazy with the debit card". WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I approached him tonight askig him why he was out when his pregnant wife was at home babysitting. His response was "she's not that pregnant". This would be about the time I lost it and proceded in telling him "once his wife has their kids that's she going to have a house full of kids to watch after, his kids and himself".

He got all pissed saying I was disrespecting him and :blahblah: . I really don't think I was over stepping my boundarys, because the **** needed to be said. He is 27 years old and his wife is 23 or 24 and he's going to be a father???? I told him he needed a reality check and that no one else had the balls to say it the way it needed to be said.

For one, if I was still married and my wife was pregnant, I wouldn't even think about going out, except for maybe a golf outting during the DAY, but NEVER at NIGHT alone. WTF is wrong with people.

And here I am, single and what I think would be a good father and I know I want to have a family and this piece of **** gets to be a dad and get that pleasure????:rant::cuss:

Guess I'm just venting, but figured I'd open it up to the ES board to see if I was in the wrong or if was to light with his 12 year old ass.

Don't worry he'll be paying child support soon. As you will. That's all marriage and kids are to women. A business deal. Child support is part of every womans portfolio. Welcome to the real world.

[MikeInJc aka M.I.A.]

As for the mans finances, how the hell do you know about them? Are you balencing his books? Do you know for sure he's broke? You said he's not your friend so how could you?

When he calls his friends and people who he for some reason think would give him money and he asks for it and tells them about his account then yes I would know about his balencing of the books, especially sine he called one of my roommates and asked if they ccould "spot" him $450. Not only did she say not, but hell no. This guy would NEVER pay it back and just in case you think I don't know if he would or not, well let's just say he still owes me money and basically everyone of his friends or former friends. The guys a mooch and a ****ing money leach.

You shoulda got knocked out for being that stupid and saying that load of crap. Learn to be a man before getting involved in business thats left for adults.

Doubt it would happen, but thanks again for being the "mature" one in the conversation.

There's many ways of saying I was wrong, but to say all of that????

Just a little over the top, especially when all the people that know this guy and heard about what I did and said are saying how much it needed to be said and basically thanking me for doing it.

[skinfan133]

just my :2cents:,

alot of people in this thread are trying to justify douchebagery. to the op, good for you. a true friend isn't affraid to tell someone what they need to hear. my impression so far from everything you've said about the guy is that hes a no good guy. sure, it's ok to go out for a few beers even if your wife's pregnant and you dont have to be around 24/7, but the whole picture here seems to point toward an immature guy who is regretting something, probably marrying and having kids.

[Mark The Homer]

While I was out tonight at the bar, I saw what I would call an "aquaintance" at BEST. We used to be good friends, but that ended when he decided to not pay me for the Dallas Cowboy ticket I graciously sold him about two years ago. Some of you might remember "Jerry" from that tailgate.

Okay, this automatically qualifies him as a piece of ****. He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. I think we can take his screwing of his buddy (the OP) into account and regard the rest of his actions and then make the appropriate assumptions:

I.E., he's not just a piece of ****, he's a ****ing piece of ****.

[McMetal]

Wow, there is really nothing wrong with going out and leaving your pregnant wife at home. It's not like she's disabled or incapacitated. Six months isn't really all that far along even. If she was ready to pop any second, that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that was the case.

Having gone through this twice, I can assure you hovering over your pregnant wife trying to attend to her every need can be smothering. Sometimes the separation is nice for both parties.

Just want to clear up that misconception...

[Thiebear]

1. negative or zero money means you buy it by the 30pack at BJ's and stay your ass in the back yard and BBQ, watch a movie. Not spend 5$ a beer out.

2. to just answer your questions about being a good father:

Be nice to your children (encouragement), don't be their friends, they have plenty.

Pay attention to them, notice changes, look after their homework, chores etc.

Done.

Husband: HA, who knows.