jrockster21 Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea" "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popeman38 Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 What did the Snail riding the shell of the Tortoise say? Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan07 Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea" "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?" LOL!!!!!!!!! DAYUMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan07 Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Any more funny jokes???????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shallow1 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Why did they start the tradition of a bride wearing a White Wedding dress? Doesn't everyone one want there dishwasher to match the rest of there appliances? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Die Hard Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 A pastor was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a Lambs rum and Pepsi, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the pastor if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan07 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students:the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?" The boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Neelam had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy.: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy.: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade." Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and the boy. both agree. Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? The boy, after a moment "Legs." Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The boy.: "Pockets." Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. The boy.: Bubblegum Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Boy.: Shake hands Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy.: Yep. Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow Ms Neelam: What word start s with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Firetruck Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy.: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy. to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" ^^^:laugh::laugh::laugh: Best joke I've read in a while!^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowghost Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well, " the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan07 Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 ^^^ Good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC_Skins Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the **** out of him died at the scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RLeVan Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "With outa numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you gotta no brain? Tree anda tree and tree maka nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of Da trees isa dirty now. So, it'sa dirty tree, anda dirty tree, anda dirty tree. Datsa 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. Ona hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A littla dog came along and crap by eacha tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, anda dirty tree and a turd, dat maka one hundred.. So, whena do I start?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BALLz Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Bumbity bumb... Jane and Arlene are sitting outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: A condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Well where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at the Pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jroc96 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jroc96 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Here's some bad ones:Q: Whats' the best thing about having sex with 25 year olds. A: There's twenty of them. Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes. A: Nothing, you already told her twice. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a sports car? A: I don't have a sports car in my garage. Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen, and where'd she get those damn shoes. Q: How do you get the neighborhood kids to stop playing on your front grass? A: Molest them. :laugh: :laugh: Thats just wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan07 Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 keep em coming hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sideshow24 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 How do you get a sweet old lady to yell F***? Get another sweet old lady to yell BINGO!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artmonkforHOF Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 What has 8 legs, 7 arms and sucks? Def Leopard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artmonkforHOF Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Why is it not in your best interest to have sex with a 90 year old woman? Ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 In Light of the Oil Spill... A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and he flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out of the gas tank. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, Wait for it. Wait for it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Sinister Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Sinister Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead ( p-word). The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan07 Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead ( p-word).The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common. :rotflmao: Classic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CPORTISFAN999 Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Here's some bad ones:Q: Whats' the best thing about having sex with 25 year olds. A: There's twenty of them. Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes. A: Nothing, you already told her twice. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a sports car? A: I don't have a sports car in my garage. Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen, and where'd she get those damn shoes. Q: How do you get the neighborhood kids to stop playing on your front grass? A: Molest them. well...for the last one...thats one way of getting them to stop...not sure its the correct way, but its one way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you." "Pick me up." "Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you, nuts?" "Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wshngtn1 Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 How do you find a fox hole? Lift it's tail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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