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The OFFICIAL Funny Joke Thread!

skinsfan07

By skinsfan07
in The Tailgate

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Seabee1973

Seabee1973

Posted
Posted

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"

"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

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Seabee1973

Seabee1973

Posted
Posted

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of

greeting.

Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to

borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida.

Capital is Hot-lanta.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in

munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas

native."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from

Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that

things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or

studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my

pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire

in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or

combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as

a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you

are in LA).

Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.

Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence

cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

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PokerPacker

PokerPacker

Posted
Posted
My favorite joke of all time:

Two muffins are in an oven. "Is it just me, or is it HOT in here?" says the first muffin.

The second muffin turns and says "Holy ****! A talking muffin!"

Two Snowmen are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or does everything smell like carrots?"
Three gay men walk into a bar to find one only stool open. How do they all sit down?

Flip the stool over.

and thus ends another "official" funny joke thread. :)

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Titaw

Titaw

Posted
Posted
My favorite joke of all time:

Two muffins are in an oven. "Is it just me, or is it HOT in here?" says the first muffin.

The second muffin turns and says "Holy ****! A talking muffin!"

You know very few people can appriciate that joke.

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Popeman38

Popeman38

Posted
Posted

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They

did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more

than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline the following morning read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

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Popeman38

Popeman38

Posted
Posted

I know, stupid political humor:

A POPULAR DES MOINES BARBER SHOP HAD A NEW ROBOTIC BARBER INSTALLED.

A FELLOW CAME IN FOR A HAIRCUT. AS THE ROBOT BEGAN TO CUT HIS HAIR IT ASKED HIM, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?" THE MAN REPLIED, "130." SO THE ROBOT PROCEEDED TO MAKE CONVERSATION ABOUT PHYSICS, ASTRONOMY, INVESTMENTS, INSURANCE, AND SO ON.

THE MAN LISTENED INTENTLY AND SAID, "THIS IS REALLY COOL."

LATER, ANOTHER GENT CAME IN FOR A HAIRCUT AND THE ROBOT ASKED HIM AS IT BEGAN THE HAIRCUT, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?" THE MAN RESPONDED, "100." SO THE ROBOT STARTED TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL, BASEBALL, AND SO ON.

THE MAN THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, "WOW, THIS IS REALLY COOL."

LATER ON, A THIRD GUY CAME IN TO THE BARBER SHOP. AS WITH THE OTHERS, THE ROBOT BARBER ASKED HIM, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?" THE MAN REPLIED, "70."

THE ROBOT PAUSED, THEN SAID, "SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU DEMOCRATS ARE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT HILLARY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

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Popeman38

Popeman38

Posted
Posted

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's! the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

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Leonard Washington

Leonard Washington

Posted
Posted

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it

anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

IDIOT S IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS .

______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !

______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,!

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in -the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

______________________________________ __

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

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roadkill

roadkill

Posted
Posted
why was the tomato blushing?

he saw the salad dressing.:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

I love dumb short ones :laugh:

How did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms

What's green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels

And my personal favorite:

Two men were walking down the street...

I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore

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PCS

PCS

Posted
Posted

Vaseline

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the

door

and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running

around

at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used

the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If

you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken

aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle

chain

or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do

use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so

frank

so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman

said,

"I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the

doorknob; it keeps the kids out."

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