Is ok to take a girl to a nice/expensive restaurant on a first date?

[Skinz4Life12]

just go out for drinks on a first date IMO

[dockeryfan]

If you eat out at fancy restaurants all the time, then no problem.

If you never eat out at a fancy restaurant, and your budget does not allow it, then no way do you take her there on a first date. It will be out of your element and potentially out of her element. Why would you want to make something like a date semi awkward? Go somewhere you feel very comfortable. If a fancy restaurant is not that place then don't go there.

[Forehead]

You can, but I don't think it's necessary on the first date. If there isn't much chemistry and no second date, you're going to be annoyed that you blew through that much cash. I agree with the others, find a nice little family owned kind of place, and pair it with an activity that promotes conversation, i.e. not the movies.

Just an FYI, my now wife and I did do the dinner/movie thing on the first date, but where we went to college, there weren't a ton of other options. If we had met up here in Nova, I probably would have gone a different direction.

[JMS]

I was wondering, I asked this girl out on a date and she said yes, and I know the feelings are the same for both of us, and while she would probably be ok with a average restaurant like Outback, I want to go the extra mile and just show her how much I like her, but I also don't want to creep her out, what do you guys think? I am not exactly the ladies man so any advice would be great, thanks

What are we talking here? Komi ? Citronelle? The Inn at Little Washington?

It's really hard to judge.. I think what you need is an unbiased first hand opinion. I think you need to take one of the extremeskins board members out on a dry run. Somebody who is opinionated, based in logic, an with an educated pallet. Maybe someone who is phonetically challenged too. You take me to all these restaurants and then I'll be able to give you my educated opinion.

[TimmySmith]

Take her to a cheaper restaurant and load up on drinks. The math will work out about equal, but your odds will increase dramatically.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

Stiff body language, focusing on eating, formal setting, over priced food. You barely get to know the person over food talk. You can't get a read for their overall body language towards you. Maybe horrible is an over statement, but there are a lot of better things you can do on a first/second date than formal dining.

I'd hold onto the food dates until you've developed a comfort level beforehand with the girl.

Of course there are 100 different "correct" answers so I'm not discounting your opinion. However, to the OP, I went to a relatively up-scale restaurant on a first date with my last girlfriend...that was 10 years ago and we've been married for 6. We had interacted before that (out at bars with friends) but it was our first one-on-one time. I don't see any issue with it.

[Kosher Ham]

Yeah, went to an upscale place with my wife on our first date, about a 3 hour dinner, Well worth it.

[JMS]

Stiff body language, focusing on eating, formal setting, over priced food. You barely get to know the person over food talk. You can't get a read for their overall body language towards you. Maybe horrible is an over statement, but there are a lot of better things you can do on a first/second date than formal dining.

I'd hold onto the food dates until you've developed a comfort level beforehand with the girl.

I strongly disagree with you guys. You don't want to speak on your first date. You want to go somewhere and relax and let it happen. Build a little bit of common experience over very light conversation. A movie, A play, or a nice Diner. The rule is to let her talk, because ladies loooove to hear themselves talk... but not too much or she will think you're whacked... happens to me all the time...

There is only one absolute don't do on a first date. That's dinner cruise.. Been their done that... never again. I seriously considered jumping overboard to get away from her about 15 minutes after the ship left the docks and would have too even though it was early jan, except I wasn't sure I would make it to shore before the ship got me back on board... The only thing worse than sticking it out would have been the combination of being wet, half frozen, having confirmed I didn't want to be there, and still having to sit through dinner; then afterwords being dragged off by the police, and perhaps being placed in a lock down ward at the local mental hospital... That would have been marginally worse than having gut it out..

[No Excuses]

How old were you guys when you did that?

I guess I'm just speaking from own age's perspective. No clue how old the OP is but being my age, I'd feel uncomfortable holding a first date at a really fancy restaurant.

[Kosher Ham]

JMS, I disagree with the movie concept completely. Unless you are 15 years old.

When do you conversate during a movie date ? On the way there, and on the way home. Sucks.

---------- Post added March-30th-2011 at 09:08 AM ----------

How old were you guys when you did that?

I guess I'm just speaking from own age's perspective. No clue how old the OP is but being my age, I'd feel uncomfortable holding a first date at a really fancy restaurant.

That's an individual thing, which all of us are really saying.

You have to make sure you are comfortable first.

But dinner is hardly a big deal. It is not for every date, but cetainly worth the ones with serious potential for the future.

[JMS]

How old were you guys when you did that?

I guess I'm just speaking from own age's perspective. No clue how old the OP is but being my age, I'd feel uncomfortable holding a first date at a really fancy restaurant.

The rule on the first date is to go somewhere you can share a common experience over light conversation. Have a pleasant experience together which doesn't put too much pressure on either of you to perform... Then you build from there...

Nice restaurant is fine, as long as it isn't too opulent. you don't want her thinking you are trying to overly impress her... you have to work within an impressive expectation bubble or they think there is something wrong with you... Movie is good too, or a play.. Picnic at Wolftrap is a combo...

Just no dinner cruises.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

How old were you guys when you did that?

I guess I'm just speaking from own age's perspective. No clue how old the OP is but being my age, I'd feel uncomfortable holding a first date at a really fancy restaurant.

I was 24 or so. And it was at the Chart House in Old Town...I'm not talking crazy upscale, but something nicer than Outback!

I found dinner to be the simplest way for us to talk. We talked for 2 hours without the distractions of being at a movie or her getting pulled into the bathroom by her girlfriends at a bar. I'm not saying the restaurant was the only place it could have worked out that way...but it didn't get in the way of anything.

[JMS]

JMS, I disagree with the movie concept completely. Unless you are 15 years old.

When do you conversate during a movie date ? On the way there, and on the way home. Sucks..

Why do you want to speak to them on the first date? What good can come of that?... I mean sure you want to demonstrate you have a personality and you aren't an ax murder.. but why do you want to put the pressure on yourself to carry the evening on your conversation skills alone on the first date before you even realize what they are about? First dates are the most dangerous time in a relationship. That's the time when a single strike can end the relationship on either side. Best to minimize the chance of such an event and go somewhere where the need for direct conversation is minimized in favor of physical proximity easing this barrier to intimacy....

Like I said nice dinner is fine as long as it's not ostentatious. But I like movies or plays best.. Again try to let them do most of the talking...Think of it like recon. Also, It's amazing how well adjusted one comes off if one lets the lady do all the talking. I'm personally not well adjusted at all, but I get that comment all the time. Other than that first dates are the equivalence of mile marker number 1 while running a 5 k race.. Something to look forward too, something to look forward to getting through... Not where you want to be focusing all your higher relationship strategy on. It's a tactical mile marker that all..

I guess we also need to have the who's more attractive speech. If you are more attractive, truly and you aren't just being egotistical then perhaps you can withstand a more direct and vocal first date experience. I mean you are judging her right?

However if you are less attractive, I personally always date out of my league, This is where my rules apply. It's kind of like snake charming with Egyptian cobra's. No sudden moves and you need to establish trust to stave off disaster. Physical proximity, background entertainment, light and sporadic conversation, let them do most of the talking.

That will do you.

[Destino]

I'm married and have been out of the game for a while but some of you put a lot, perhaps, too much thought into this. I never cared where the hell the first date was in terms of location. The only things I needed from the location where: 1) She likes the place 2) We can talk without screaming over bad music. Everyone I asked out I had already had at least a few conversations with so I had an idea of what they were into prior to asking.

If she strikes you as the dinner date type do a little research and find a place in the city that is lesser known but cool and well reviewed. Ideally it would be near something else like a bar that you think both of you would like. That way you have built in plan to extend the date past food should it go well.

[dockeryfan]

JMS is actually on to something, even though he comes off sounding like a shallow psycho-stalker.

People do enjoy talking about themselves, for the most part. With the right conversational skills, it can be pleasant, and the pressure is not on you...what ever pressure you think there may be.

But there is a medium. If someone wants to be the questioner, then you have to take part. You can't always steer conversation back to them without it being awkward. I remember dating a social worker years ago, and that first date was like an interrogation. I really don't mind talking about myself, and everyone should have a few stories to tell anyway, but I remember after that date (and even during) that she did make it a little uncomfortable because she was using, as I like to call them, social worky techniques. It felt contrived.

[Kosher Ham]

JMS, What guy takes a lady out that is less attractive than himself ?

On a first date you want to talk. You want the lady to get to know you, and you want to get to know her. Find out if she is crazy or lame before you go further.

Des is right about knowing women before you ask them out. It's a win.

[JMS]

JMS is actually on to something, even though he comes off sounding like a shallow psycho-stalker.

To be truthful that title has only very infrequently been applied to me and then only when my medication lapsed.

The point is however the time for innovation is on future dates when you can tailor your innovation to what you've discovered about your ladies interests on the first few dates. The time to be formulaic and predictable yet still interesting and fun is on the first date when tensions are higher, your knowledge and understanding are by definition at their low points; and both parties are still trying to get to know each other.

Why not at this point have a formula to weather the first date experience since regardless of how unique your lady friend turns out to be you're fairly consistently ignorant about these qualities before you get to know her. Why not have the first date scripted like Bill Walsh used to script the first few plays of football games. Until he got the feel for the game.

People do enjoy talking about themselves, for the most part. With the right conversational skills, it can be pleasant, and the pressure is not on you...what ever pressure you think there may be.

But there is a medium. If someone wants to be the questioner, then you have to take part. You can't always steer conversation back to them without it being awkward. I remember dating a social worker years ago, and that first date was like an interrogation. I really don't mind talking about myself, and everyone should have a few stories to tell anyway, but I remember after that date (and even during) that she did make it a little uncomfortable because she was using, as I like to call them, social worky techniques. It felt contrived.

One universal truism in social and in business settings with regards to conversation. less is more. Silence is often confused with thought, intelligence,and interest... Especially if you make the proper facial expressions while being silent.

If you open your mouth and actually participate in the discussion it's much more difficult to benefit from this situational analysis. There is nothing shallow or decietful about this.. It's all about how to put your best foot forward as a general rule. One might even find if flattering because it allows you to show what's most special about you, when you know more about what's special about them.

[Titaw]

Don't go with the tired cliche date. Do something fun. You should know something about her, like if she digs sports or history, or the outdoors, etc. Take her to a game, go on a hike, do the monuments in DC, etc. This will be fun for the both of you, both of you will open up, and it'll win her over more than any expensive meal.

[JMS]

JMS, What guy takes a lady out that is less attractive than himself ?

Evidently you don't get out much, or don't pay attention when you do... It's ok you've settled in...

These guys do...

They may be kind of like big foot or the Yeti, but they do exist. They must exist. I'm not endorsing this, not saying it's healthy, or something we should emulate... I'm just observing that if their are logically folks like me who always date above their station their must be folks like these who consistently date bellow their station. It's just math and ratio theory. I believe Hawkings used a similar rational to prove the existence of dark matter.

On a first date you want to talk. You want the lady to get to know you, and you want to get to know her. Find out if she is crazy or lame before you go further.

Listen to what you are saying man. How does you, talking help YOU to get to know if she's a whack job or not? You need to get her to talk in order to decern that!! More to the point though, If she does talk and is a whack job how do you know it's her and not the stress of the situation? One isolated whack job line of conversation sufficient experience to get you to give up on a girl many times your attractiveness? I think not. THAT is a universal truth for men. Well most men.

And again... you talking is just out of the question.... The entire reason you pay for the food is because you want to be the first to gather the appropriate level of intel on them. Then YOU get to decide if you move forward, which of coarse we always do.... Worst case here is if you go all crunchy and ERA on them, and allow them to diagnose your imperfections first. where does that get you? Get's you a trip back to your coach watching video feeds of your neighbors alone with a TV dinner on a Friday night that's where....... Not like we all don't have our imperfections.... Dating is about getting the other poor dumb **** to be honest and beholding to you first. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a looser. When you put your hand in the goo of the relationships you could have had... But I digress...

Des is right about knowing women before you ask them out. It's a win.

You don't get to know women by observing them outside of dates... You must take them out to know and understand them. That takes planning and both a tactical and strategic campaign plan. You can know a woman for a year but ask her out and it get's all weird when your one on one in a romantic setting until you prove you aren't a freak. That's the truth. That's really what the first date should be called. It's the permeable freak barrier which ideally acts as a filter slightly more discerning than a visual survey.

If you got the first date 95% of the time you are physically acceptable. Yet only probable half the first dates turn into second dates. Don't be one of those foolish serial first daters... Drink the kool aid.. get on the bus.... understand your motivations.. move into the light.

[KDawg]

Do what you're comfortable with. Seriously.

I wouldn't go too upscale, but a decent restaurant is cool.

Or, you could ask her where she wants to go. Tell her you have some ideas, but want to go somewhere that she'll enjoy too. If she says she doesn't care, its on you. If she has a preference, take that into account.

I'm not sure where the "you must not tell them where you're going/you must plan it all yourself" mentality comes from. Ask. It's how YOU learn.

Besides that, if you took her to say, a seafood restaurant and she doesn't like seafood... you've screwed yourself.

[Sticksboi05]

I was 24 or so. And it was at the Chart House in Old Town...I'm not talking crazy upscale, but something nicer than Outback!

I found dinner to be the simplest way for us to talk. We talked for 2 hours without the distractions of being at a movie or her getting pulled into the bathroom by her girlfriends at a bar. I'm not saying the restaurant was the only place it could have worked out that way...but it didn't get in the way of anything.

I agree - a step up from Outback but not some 5 star restaurant I mean what'd she do, save your dog?

[JMS]

Do what you're comfortable with. Seriously.

I wouldn't go too upscale, but a decent restaurant is cool.

Or, you could ask her where she wants to go. Tell her you have some ideas, but want to go somewhere that she'll enjoy too. If she says she doesn't care, its on you. If she has a preference, take that into account.

I'm not sure where the "you must not tell them where you're going/you must plan it all yourself" mentality comes from. Ask. It's how YOU learn.

Besides that, if you took her to say, a seafood restaurant and she doesn't like seafood... you've screwed yourself.

Yes by all means give up all your advantages and throw yourself on her mercy... Get her to tell you where she wants to be taken... Hope the woman has more of a clue than the man does....

Not... ( because they might not)..

First dates are by necessity formulaic.. They should be. You find a plan that works and you use it over and over again on the first date. You might update it, but substantially it is a tool in every mans bag. The sole goal of the first date is to get to the second date. Don't go all risky and innovate on a first date when you haven't taken the time to get to know her yet. That's risky and can be taken as both desperate and presumptuous. Also don't go asking her for help.. that weak and pathetic it's like you can't make up your mind or are to nervous about the encounter.. puts too much pressure on her.

[Tulane Skins Fan]

First date with my soon-to-be-wife in less than two weeks was at a dirty Chinese restaurant and a Caps game. A guy I worked with spent a couple days telling me I was making a mistake because I should have taken her to a fancy place. My point was just that the chinese place had the best noodles in all of DC (Chinatown Express) and I love sports and especially going to hockey games. So, I was just showing her me. That's the most important thing.

If you don't eat at a fancy restaurant like that all the time, and its not you, what's the point?

[JMS]

First date with my soon-to-be-wife in less than two weeks was at a dirty Chinese restaurant and a Caps game. A guy I worked with spent a couple days telling me I was making a mistake because I should have taken her to a fancy place. My point was just that the chinese place had the best noodles in all of DC (Chinatown Express) and I love sports and especially going to hockey games. So, I was just showing her me. That's the most important thing.

If you don't eat at a fancy restaurant like that all the time, and its not you, what's the point?

You lucked out.... Evidently your future wife likes hockey, or was desperately attracted to you... I don't recommend "showing her me" until you get to know her a little bit.

I mean if the shoe was on the other foot and She took you to a MaMia performance because she likes ABA and you discerned in the first act you were the only straight man in the crowd not shrieking when Dancing Queen was sung... would you then apprieciate her showing you her?

Dude, in marriage it's really not about enjoying everything your wife enjoys or visa verse. My wife enjoys pedicures... has from day one... I personally didn't start enjoying them until year 10 or so.... would that have been a deal breaker on a first date? probable....

Oh and you'll know the answer to the first statement when in year 2 of your marriage and your wife suddenly stops watching hockey with you. It will happen... Then you will know you totally got played and she is the female version of me.. A woman with a plan and going about her plan... She was getting to know you while you were watching hockey... sitting back and observing.

Which isn't a bad thing... The woman being the smarter more focused one in a relationship is often times a good thing... The problems occur though when the man suddelny realizes that and fights it..

[TD_washingtonredskins]

A lot of good advice in here...I think seeing this thread hit 4 pages highlights why these things sometimes work and sometimes don't...

I didn't over-think my first date with my wife. I loved Chart House so I wanted to take her there. Again, we had hung out previously, just never the two of us alone so it's not like I was having to find things to talk about. We had some shared experiences, friends, etc. But that date was when I found out about her family, her childhood, etc. My previous knowledge about her was much more superficial like where she worked and where she went to college.

I didn't over-think and I don't think the OP should either. As we've seen, a first date of a nice, relatively upscale dinner can work just as much as a hockey game and hole-in-the-wall Chinese joint. The fact is, the setting isn't going to make or break this date, the two of you are going to do that.