robotfire Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 A very close friend of mine has been a drug and alcohol addict for the majority of his life. For the past 8 years or so, he has handled the addiction very well. Recently, his addiction has reared its ugly head. What can I do as a friend? I confronted him about my concern, but he lied to me and said that he was not drinking or doing drugs. I know that he is lying. I love this person very much and want him to succeed at fighting his addiction. I don't believe he will ever be *cured*, but I believe that he can cage his demons. He's done it in the past. What can I do? What can he do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 What kind of drugs? Sucks to say it, but some drugs, there's nothing you can do. I had a few friends who went down the heroin road,, they either have to die or decide to clean up on their own. I've never seen anything else work, and one thing is certain, they'll drag everyone else around them down too. Sometimes it's best for you and them to cut all ties, and know at the least you severed that one safety net. He'll have to hit rock bottom, and if you're there to catch him, he never will. ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ax Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Yeah, there really isn't anything you can do. It's always up to the addict. Being an addict is the easy part. Helplessly watching them kill themselves is the tough part. You need to accept the reality that you can't fix the person, and live your own life. "Help" is for those unable to help themselves. Addicts are rarely unable, they're just unwilling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Kaos Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 From personal experience: First off, there is no such thing as an under control addict! There is absolutely nothing you can do! No amount of talking, yelling, screaming, debating or arguing will show them the light. As was already said, the addict must truly want to end the cycle. Some people will have that "ah-ha" moment some dont and in that case it usually ends up in jail or death. If and until he decides it's time to get clean the best thing you can do is not enable him. As long as he is surrounded by people that condone his behavior he will continue that behavior with declining results. Thats the reason that addicts will surround themselves with addicts. I am sure that it's not easy to just let go of someone that you so clearly care deeply about, but it is the emotionally safest thing for you to do at this point. You'll know when/if that moment of clarity and the desire to go clean arrives. Trust your gut, it wont let you down. The number one thing to keep in mind, The easiest way to tell if an addict is lying is if his mouth is moving. That sounds harsh and mean but it will save you alot of heartache, especially if you decide to ride this rollercoaster with him. I'll keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you both the best. Feel free to PM if you want to talk off board. I can offer an ear to listen or advice from either side of this disease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Like others have said it depends on what your friend is hooked on. My older brother has been battling meth addiction for several years now and he's been in and out of prison. It's sad to say but both my dad and I are waiting to get that dreaded phone call one day. He's ****ed our family over so many times that there's nothing else we can do for him. He's going to end up either in prison for good, or dead and it's a damn shame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoony Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 What kind of drugs?Sucks to say it, but some drugs, there's nothing you can do. I My thoughts too, unfortunately. I had a dear friend go down the cocaine road. We tried pretty much everything, including getting his family involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Worst thing you can do is be an enabler, but it sounds like you know that. I've made that mistake before and I still regret it, although as others have said there probably wasn't anything to be done anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCollins Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 By "handling his addiction very well" I assume that he was treating his disease with a 12 step program or spiritual approach? If that's the case, then he knows very well what it is that he needs to return to. If I were you I'd tell that person not to call you until he/she has the **** back together. If you're in a live in situation with this person, consider alternatives and/or get some help for yourself through Alanon or Codependents anonymous. It's no accident that you are close to this person as "normally" people are repelled by addicts right from the start. Usually someone who is attracted to an addict has other addicts in their own family, typically parents. Even if it's only work-a-holism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptChaos86 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I went through the same thing with two of my best friends. They both got hooked on cocaine. And i just cut all ties with them, we didnt talk for over a year. It was hard not to answer their phone calls or emails. They thought i didnt know what they were doing but i did and confronted them and told them i didnt want anything to do with them or the drugs. One of them had to go to jail for awhile and truly hit rock bottom. But they both got clean and we are friends again. And one of them told me the reason they sobered up was because they didnt want to lose me as a friend. I felt like such an ahole for ignoring them but in the end it worked out. I hope your friends gets the help he needs and is able to get through his problem. I will def be praying for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsOrlando Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Most of the time there is truly nothing you can do, the person must want to do it on there own. Sometimes a person starts to feel immense shame in who've they've become and that is enough, other times it takes nearly dying, sometimes it takes finding religion or re-finding religion. I speak from my own personal experience but everyone is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC_RedskinsFan Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I agree with what others have said. You have to turn your back on him. As harsh as it sounds that may be the only thing that will get through to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robotfire Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 I agree with what others have said. You have to turn your back on him. As harsh as it sounds that may be the only thing that will get through to him.I think there might be friends who you absolutely need to do that with, but I know for a fact that this one isn't the case. We've gotten to him before getting to the hard drugs, and I have some very good news:I told him that everybody knows his problem is back. He was really embarrassed, and he feels like he's let everybody down (which is part of why he'd been lying). He's an addict that has been through everything - he hit rock bottom, and then he rebuilt it all VERY successfully. I know he can do it - he's done it before. The mistake he made was in thinking that he could maintain his addiction by himself for the rest of his life. He's got to continue going to drug and alcohol addiction meetings for the rest of his life, no matter how well he gets. It's like a cancer patient - you can't just have cancer, get through it, and then never have a checkup with a doctor again. It could always come back. After this explosion of him finding out that he couldn't hide it anymore, his wife gave him an ultimatum. The ultimatum includes no more lying, marriage counseling, drug and alcohol addiction meetings, and more contact with his family. She made it clear to him that she will leave if he doesn't take this on. He admitted to her that he has a problem (a HUGE step), and he was absolutely freaked out over her ultimatum - he doesn't want to lose her. He feels like he's let everybody down, but the believes that the overwhelming support he's getting from his family and friends is giving him the strength to fight it. He told me that he's happy everybody knows now. He thanked me for getting involved. The biggest problem he had was thinking that he could maintain it all by himself. I appreciate everybody's advice. What I should have mentioned before is that this is a guy who wants success. He absolutely destroyed his life before, and he knows he doesn't want to do it again. And to be honest, I'm amazed that he's handled it as well as he has all by himself over these years - the mistake he made was thinking that he HAD TO do it all by himself. I think we're on the right track here, and I honestly believe that this support system he's got (along with his desire to keep all that he's worked so hard to get) is going to get him back on track. I'm so glad that we caught it at the early point, because I know that he could have gotten back to where he was. I've seen other people with these addictions, and it took them rock bottom to get better. That's what happened to this guy the last time it was really bad. He WILL get better. He will do it with a strong support system. He knows there's no other option. I'm very proud of him for handling all of this the way he has. I'm not sure how well I could handle such a thing, and I'm really impressed at how well he's done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robotfire Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Also, the lying seems to have always had two purposes: 1) Avoid embarrassment, and 2) feed the addiction. The worse he got the last time, the more it became about option 2 (to the point where it was ALL about feeding the addiction). At this point of his relapse, it's probably 90% about option 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 good to hear, robofire. Hope he gets the help he needs and puts his life back together again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabR Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 From my past experience the most important thing I learned and used for my selfish purposes: "when also fails, work with another suffering alcoholic/addict" When you are sober the most revolting thing to see is another drunk, really takes your desire to drink away, and also gives back to others what you have taken Give him my best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robotfire Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 From my past experience the most important thing I learned and used for my selfish purposes:"when also fails, work with another suffering alcoholic/addict" When you are sober the most revolting thing to see is another drunk, really takes your desire to drink away, and also gives back to others what you have taken Give him my best I wonder if that's part of why a lot of these programs are successful. I've been researching, and what I'm finding is that addicts convince themselves that their situation is unique and not as extreme as others. Once the addict sees these others, maybe it makes him realize that there's no difference between the two? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ned Flanders Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Speaking from personal experience, I agree with many others here. He has to want to do it himself. For me to quit the bad things (drugs), it took guilt and shame to do it. I thought about what others perceived of me, and how my 'legacy' would end up. That's really all it took, even though quitting it was a very tough thing to do. I (the addict) cut all ties with my 'friends', and met a girl (my wife) who I put all of that energy into. A good woman will go a long ways in helping. On the flipside, I have a good friend that got completely LOST. I tried to help him out, tried to explain that what he needed to do to quit, was to OCCUPY his time with things he enjoyed doing before he became addicted. My thing was fishing. I must have went fishing about 40% of my time in the first 5 years of quitting. It helped tremendously. I put my faith back into god, and asked for help everyday. I am not over religious, but I am humble. I could ramble on and on about my experiences, friends experiences, etc. I could write a flippin book. I still have friends that are addicted, and they don't want to quit. I am 10 years clean, after battling for about 8. I always held a job, and never stole or got jailed for what I did. I only hurt myself and my family. I think it's good to talk about, if it helps even one person clean themselves up. Addiction is a *****! Now if I could quit smoking these damn cigarettes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCollins Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I wonder if that's part of why a lot of these programs are successful. I've been researching, and what I'm finding is that addicts convince themselves that their situation is unique and not as extreme as others. Once the addict sees these others, maybe it makes him realize that there's no difference between the two? That's the majority of why/how it works. The process started when two men got together, in Akron OH in 1935, to discuss their addiction and how, together, they were going to get and stay sober. It's like a human chain, at a lake shore, pulling the drowning out. The drowning see the people on shore and are inspired with hope, follow their direction and duplicate their results. The people on shore see the drowning, remember where they came from and decide not to go back in. A word of caution, your friend will have to work twice as hard, to regain/maintain his sobriety because he is in a relationship. The tendency, for these folks, is to look at the relationship and say "I'm OK because I have her". It's a huge distraction from a a process that relies heavily on self analysis. Only 1 in 20 will make it to long term sobriety. The odds, for people in relationships, imo, are much lower/steeper. That's why most people will have to lose the relationship before they are totally committed to long term recovery. In my experience, the majority of recovering people remain single and live alone because intuitively, or not so intuitively, they have realized that they can't manage both. You're a good friend and you did good by your friend, but don't get your hopes up to high. One question, how long was your friend's previous term of uninterrupted recovery? While no one is ever "out of the woods", the odds of long term recovery increase dramatically after the person passes 5 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chachie Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 What can I do? Nothing now. You spoke your mind. He'll only keep lying to you. What can he do? Have a bad experience. Only discomfort will make him want to change his situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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