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I Just Had a Moment With a Squirrel: Part Deux


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BREAKING: Mark Zuckerberg discovered dead in midst of squirrel orgy and you know this is from a real news source since it’s being blocked on Meta


The Beaverton has just confirmed that the body of billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has just been discovered in a pile of thousands of writhing, mating squirrels. The chairman and CEO of Meta Platforms Inc was thirty-nine years old when he died from an overdose of squirrel ****ing.


According the Beaverton’s sources (who you can trust because the Beaverton is considered by Meta to be a real news site which they’ve begun blocking along with other Canadian news sites), a man who was once described as the world’s youngest self-made billionaire regularly indulged in gross and indecent acts of rodent-based bestiality and was known for keeping multiple “pets” in a room adjacent to his office at Meta Platform headquarters which contained a human-sized Habitrail and that he referred to as “The Mousehouse”.


“I always knew this was how Mark would die,” said Zuckerberg’s widow, Priscilla Chan, who we talked to for this very real article published by our legitimate news site. “Mice, hamsters, guinea pigs, chipmunks, there wasn’t a rodent on Earth he wouldn’t drop his pants for. I once walked in on him doing something unspeakable with five porcupines. He was in agony for days, but that didn’t stop him. Apparently nothing could stop him from ****ing rodents except his own death from ****ing rodents.”


One of the first responders who discovered Zuckerberg’s body described the scene as “the weirdest ****ing thing I have ever seen” and said they were unable to remove the body until the frenzied animals had finished copulating with it. The Beaverton has confirmed this by watching a video taken at the scene, and again, we’re a real news outlet according to Meta, so you can trust us when we say this is as true as it is horrifying.


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A gold miner found a mysterious grapefruit-sized fur ball. It turned out to be a 'perfectly preserved' 30,000-year-old squirrel.


At first, this brown, mangled ball of fur and claws was unidentifiable.




But X-ray scans have revealed that this grapefruit-sized lump is a 30,000-year-old mummified ground squirrel from the ice age.




A gold miner found the mysterious fur ball in 2018 in the Klondike gold fields near Dawson City, Yukon, according to the Yukon Beringia Interpretive Centre.


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5 hours ago, Larry said:

Every time I see a story like that, I think of the classic movie scene where New Guy arrives in lockup. And his cell mate says...


"So. What are you in for?"


And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
Where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
Committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
Looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
Rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
They was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
Bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
Father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'N' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
And said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
There, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
Said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
And we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
Father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the


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Squirrels caused 80 outages in Toronto last year: hydro officials


Squirrels caused about 80 power outages in Toronto in 2023 after coming into contact with power equipment, Toronto Hydro said, after a squirrel-related outage in the city Wednesday affected about 6,500 people. 


Racoons caused 13 outages in 2023, whilst birds caused about 30 outages in the same year, Toronto Hydro said in an email. 


"While each power outage is unique to its circumstances, outages due to wildlife interference…are resolved on average in under two hours," spokesperson Daniel McNeil said. 


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On 5/20/2024 at 2:54 PM, TradeTheBeal! said:

Now we have a City Snake!



On 5/20/2024 at 2:56 PM, Bang said:

You won't have any rodents around with that there.
Course, it might get about 5' long.







So this snake was just 3 First Downs away from my door.

My app says it's literally a Ratsnake.

Hard to tell, but it looks like maybe 6-8 foot long ?

But wait, there's more





Then this Copperhead ( I believe) was only 4th and INCHES from the chair I sit on, at my front porch.

And if I recall correctly, they're highly venomous




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3 minutes ago, Malapropismic Depository said:




So this snake was just 3 First Downs away from my door.

My app says it's literally a Ratsnake.

Hard to tell, but it looks like maybe 6-8 foot long.




Then this one was only 4th and INCHES from the chair I sit on, at my front porch



Young copperhead?

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1 minute ago, Malapropismic Depository said:



In my non-expert opinion, I believe so



Yea...over on this side of the country the poisonous ones have the courtesy to rattle at you.  Those quiet poisonous ones need a bell or something.  They docile?  Or generally pissed at the world like a rattler?

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Young copperheads have a bright yellow or yellow-green tail, and I think they are a fall birth. (not sure though)
Young ones can be dangerous because the envenom entirely with a bite, they don't know how to not. An older one might give a dry bite... which one did to my beagle, and he survived.
Copperheads are venomous, but probably not deadly to an adult if you get treatment.  Definitely exceedingly painful and swollen though.

The black ratsnake will eat copperheads.
The little garter snake won't hurt you at all.



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