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Favorite stand-up comedy quotes.

WVUforREDSKINS

By WVUforREDSKINS
in The Tailgate

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WVUforREDSKINS

WVUforREDSKINS

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Seems as if many of you are as big of fans of stand-up comedy as me.

What are some of your favorite quotes by comedians?

"By process of elimination, somewhere in the world, is the world's worst doctor. And someone has an appointment with him in an hour."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"just think, as you are reading this right now, somewhere, some guy is getting ready to hang himself."

"Ross Perot, just what a nation of idiots needs: A short, loud, idiot."

-G.C.

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're ****y."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

-Mitch Hedberg

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USS Redskins

USS Redskins

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"Isnt it silly that man had to create the crash helmet? Why didnt he just not do the things that need a crash helmet." Seinfeld

Of course they are gonna be hungry! They live in the F'in desert! There is no food, water, nothing! Just sand. You cant eat it. You cant do anything with it! You know what it will be in a 1000 years? Sand! Move to where the f'in food is! Kinison.

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twa

twa

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If one of these engines fail,how far will the other take us?

All the way to the scene of the crash.

I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half hour.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty,mine is putting in a express lane.

Ron White

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MonkFan8

MonkFan8

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"Ooh...a frog...I hope he settles near me...so I can catch him and put him in this mayonaise jar with a leaf and a twig...to re-create what he's used to."

-I forget the comedian...he's white with long brown hair...I saw it on youtube

The late, great, Mitch Hedberg.
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PCS

PCS

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If there was dehydrated water, what would you add to it?

I had a light switch in my house that didn't do anything. I turned it off and on and nothing happened. I kept doing it and then one day a woman from Ohio called me and told me to cut it out.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

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Bucaro

Bucaro

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The late, great, Mitch Hedberg.

Beat me to it. Those are the exact words I was going to use as well. Another great Hedberg quote:

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

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Mufumonk

Mufumonk

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"Those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: "What, what?" Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special … I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: Gee, what are the ****ing odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! […] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "UNNGH … what's for ****ing breakfast?!" - Hicks

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Mufumonk

Mufumonk

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If there was dehydrated water, what would you add to it?

I had a light switch in my house that didn't do anything. I turned it off and on and nothing happened. I kept doing it and then one day a woman from Ohio called me and told me to cut it out.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

The original Hedberg. :notworthy

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stwasm

stwasm

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I can't remember the comic's name, but he summed up dating with these words:

"It's almost a miracle that men and woman actually get together. Because whereas a woman longs for one man to fulfill her every want and need, a man longs for every woman to fulfill his one want and need."

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PCS

PCS

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Joke 'em if they can't take a ****

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If drinking is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheel chair

Robin Williams

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WVUforREDSKINS

WVUforREDSKINS

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"Those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: "What, what?" Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special … I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: Gee, what are the ****ing odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! […] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "UNNGH … what's for ****ing breakfast?!" - Hicks

Rant in E minor is one of my favorite comedy albums of all time.

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d0ublestr0ker0ll

d0ublestr0ker0ll

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Maybe one of you Hedberg fans can point me towards a video where he talks about how he's a popular comedian but he goes to the safeway and nobody knows him. I heard it played on the radio. When he said the words "and I'm wondering, where are all these people" I was absolutely doubled up in laughter. The delivery was hilarious. Was a long time ago forgive me for not remembering much about it.

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PCS

PCS

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality."

I said "Well yeah. But what if you're an *******?

Bill Cosby

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twa

twa

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I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality."

I said "Well yeah. But what if you're an *******?

Bill Cosby

One of the greats...you got good taste :applause:

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.Guy.

.Guy.

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"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

-Mitch Hedberg

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dchogs

dchogs

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When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

love this one. MH was awesome.

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PCS

PCS

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“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”

“Congress: Bingo with billions”

“A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'”

“No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.”

Red Skelton

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