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Favorite stand-up comedy quotes.

WVUforREDSKINS

By WVUforREDSKINS
in The Tailgate

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CoachingWinsChampionships

CoachingWinsChampionships

Posted
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Daniel Tosh is quite possibly the funniest comedian out there today. I promise...take a look.

Check out his Comedy Central Special (from Youtube): Completely Serious Part 1/5

Here are some tidbits (not really his best stuff, just the easiest to write out):

"I hope they find a cure for all major diseases...cuz I'm tired of walking 5K."

"I shave ALL my pubes... I don't know why I just looked right at you when I said that..But I thought you'd appreciate it."

"I don't mind celebrations in football. Your job is to catch a ball. Go ahead, have a ten minute tea party, I don't care. Just don't get angry when a free safety takes your head off and paralyzes you from the neck down and you see me in the stands going 'OOHHHH...Dance now you overpaid clown. Maybe V8 will sponsor a vegetable."

"Hollywood on its high horse won't make movies about retarded chimps...unless you count Vin Diesel movies...which I do. And in all fairness if your a Vin Diesel fan, you shouldn't be watching my show. You should be at home, coloring, hoping that your next drawing makes it onto the fridge. But it won't because elephants arent orange you idiot."

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Mufumonk

Mufumonk

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So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and people are watching...[At this point, some people in the audience answer Crossing Over.] No, not Crossing Over. It was uh..........church.

-David Cross

Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blow jobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight … "Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now."

A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory...and a fervent prayer! Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may be true, but guys … yyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now … watching an empty stage.

-Bill Hicks

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Spaceman Spiff

Spaceman Spiff

Posted
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You want to help these people? Stop sending them food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help these people? Send them U-Hauls, send them luggage, send them someone like me, I'll walk out there..send a guy who'll go,

'Hey, we just drove 700 miles with your food and it occurred to us that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would LIVE WHERE THE FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. YEAH. DID YOU KNOW NOTHING CAN GROW IN THIS SH*T? HERE, EAT SOME OF IT, TASTE IT. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! GET YOUR KIDS, GET YOUR SH*T, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, @SSHOLES!"

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PCS

PCS

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“Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.”

“My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance”

(Talking about garbage disposal during Men are Pigs).

That thing would work a lot better with a little more power. So I rewired it. Put a Harley V-Twin on that bad boy. Tree limbs. Kitchen wood chipper that's right.

While i was at it, I decided to rewire that weird little sprayer on the sink. Couldn't blow a dandelion off with it. Stupid piece of ****. Works really good with a paint compressor rewired to it. I can clean my neighbors siding from across the street".

NSFW link to the above,(strong language).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTEopmrUADA&feature=related

And a part about women and the towel on the head thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi13qjJhO7A&feature=related

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aszumilo

aszumilo

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“Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!”

“I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress”

“It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.”

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.”

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

"I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk."

Steve Martin

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SEF

SEF

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“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an *******."”

-Demetri Martin

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gbear

gbear

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There was a comedy trio from the middle east that had a bit put on NPR. I wish I knew who they were because they were awesome.

My favorite bit is the one guy talking about how he flies around the U.S. (won't swear name is correct)

"With a name like Muhamad Muhamad I just show up to fly in a speedo. I know they're going to search me. That's ok. I figure I'll just save us all some time."

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Xameil

Xameil

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There was a comedy trio from the middle east that had a bit put on NPR. I wish I knew who they were because they were awesome.

My favorite bit is the one guy talking about how he flies around the U.S. (won't swear name is correct)

"With a name like Muhamad Muhamad I just show up to fly in a speedo. I know they're going to search me. That's ok. I figure I'll just save us all some time."

This was the axis of evil comedy tour put on by XM radio I believe.

"I believe that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade, and find someone who's life gave them vodka."

Ron White

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jrockster21

jrockster21

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"Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even."

"If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's boobs start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted, move the nipple wherever. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman." If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever."

"There was a fan of mine there who wanted to talk to me all day long, yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak. This guy told me his entire life story against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcibly shoved unwanted information into my ear hole! No means no!"

'This guy walks over to the tree, he scratches the bark with his thumb, walks back over to me, and he says this, and I quote: "The core of this tree is still alive." I said, "Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a ****in' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know **** about trees."'

'The year I turned 13, I experimented with something, and my grandma caught me in the bathroom just a'doin it. She said, "It says in the Bible, young man, that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground." I said, "Tough to argue with that logic, Grandma. You got 50 bucks?"'

-Ron White

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jrockster21

jrockster21

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"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

-Hedberg

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PCS

PCS

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Posted

Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no future. Bacon is not a career.

There's a reason "Congress" begins with the word "con". "Con" is the oppsosite of "pro", so "Congress" must be the opposite of "progress".

The amazing Mastertool Corporation, ace subsidiary of Fly-By-Night Industries, has entrusted who? Me! To show you the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen, and don't you want to know how it works! ( You know the rest. :) ).

Gallagher

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Dan T.

Dan T.

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Posted

From Steven Wright:

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

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PCS

PCS

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Ah yes. George Carlin. Some stuff from way back when, (A couple from memory even.)

As Al Sleet, the "hippie-dippie weatherman" — "Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning."

The radar is picking up a line of thundershowers which extends from a

point 9 miles NNE of Sicorgus, New Jersey, along a line and 6 miles

either side of the line to a point 5 miles SSW of Fonduloch. However, the

radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs... so I wouldn't

sweat the thundershowers.

"I'd like to apologize to the former residents of the town of Littleville for missing that forcast on those rain storms last night."

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SKINS@THEGOALLINE

SKINS@THEGOALLINE

Posted
Posted
Ah yes. George Carlin. Some stuff from way back when, (A couple from memory even.)

As Al Sleet, the "hippie-dippie weatherman" — "Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning."

The radar is picking up a line of thundershowers which extends from a

point 9 miles NNE of Sicorgus, New Jersey, along a line and 6 miles

either side of the line to a point 5 miles SSW of Fonduloch. However, the

radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs... so I wouldn't

sweat the thundershowers.

"I'd like to apologize to the former residents of the town of Littleville for missing that forcast on those rain storms last night."

And there's the seven words you can't say on TV. (****, ****, ****, ****, **********, ************, and ****.) :D

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PCS

PCS

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Posted
And there's the seven words you can't say on TV. (****, ****, ****, ****, **********, ************, and ****.) :D

:laugh: And that's why I didn't include it, though that is one of the funniest routines I've ever heard. Still have part of that routine memorized. :)

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