CooleyNaMean Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 My friend just sent me this and I had to pass it on. Truly funny stuff. To: John Madden CC: Electronic Arts Sports From: Ethan Albright Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07 Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is @#%$ bull**** and you should kiss my mother-@#%$ ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80. You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a @#%$ 12. I rate you a @#%$ 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard. It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly @#%$ and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. @#%$, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of @#%$ teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60? I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. @#%$, man, there are some ****ty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst. I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut. Red Alert! John, you are such a @#%$ dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a @#%$ zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my @#%$ face. @#%$ that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns. Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). @#%$ me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide. I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a @#%$ lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, @#%$-ass ****wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man. When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. @#%$ you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you @#%$ with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder. Rot in Hell, Ethan Albright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickalino Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Just be glad he didnt put Albright, or any other Redskin, for that matter, on the cover of Madden this year. Because we all know what happens to those players. Look at Shaun Alexander"s foot for the latest example Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 That was awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
d0ublestr0ker0ll Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 LMGDAO. THAT was classic. Ethan has to have a pretty good arm, jetting those snaps back to the holder requires a pretty good arm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slateman Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 It would be funny if Madden actually rated players . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartskins Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 $2 says that came from someone at SomethingAwful.com. Pretty funny, nonetheless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoEd Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Well written, funny and John Madden is an idiot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the burgundy and gold Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Ethan gets my vote for the cover next year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 auguhgahagBrettFavreasdarofBOOM!lapovua;aflua; .; guess who that was? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinklein Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was ****ing wonderful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
refuze Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1 Haha, I really doubt that's real but it made me laugh. I'm pretty sure EA does all the ratings for Madden though. Last time I checked Albright was a 54, lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#1SkinsFan Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 LOL, good stuff. He should be higher though. For as long as he has played he should at least be mid 60's, or lower 70's. He does deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the burgundy and gold Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 haha theres a funny thread in the tailgate about Ethan Albright's rating in madden, i suggest you check it out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
refuze Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Can someone post the article here? I'm trying to read it again and it won't load for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImmortalDragon Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Long snapper position in Madden isn't right at all. They always have the best OL do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
refuze Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Long snapper position in Madden isn't right at all. They always have the best OL do it. You can change it. Get better rosters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
halter91 Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 holy ****, i haven't laughed that hard since I saw a picture of Pez's lilly pad tattoo. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fifty Gut Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 To: John Madden CC: Electronic Arts Sports From: Ethan Albright Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07 Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is ****ing bull**** and you should kiss my mother-****ing ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80. You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ****ing 12. I rate you a ****ing 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard. It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly **** and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. ****, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of **** teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60? I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some ****ty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst. I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut. Red Alert! John, you are such a ****ing dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a ****ing zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my ****ing face. **** that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns. Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide. I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a ****ing lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, *****-ass ****wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man. When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. **** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder. Rot in Hell, Ethan Albright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doodie987 Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 HAHAHAHA that is HILARIUS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Res_Novae Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darc Requiem Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 That has to be the funniest thing I have ever read. :rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinz4evr Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 O damn that was funny.. red pubes in various meals...and the Ted washington part ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Dave Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 He isn't even on the Redskins in the game. The first roster update took him off the team. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Dave Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 After the first roster update John Digiorgio a MLB for the Bills is the lowest rated player with an overall of 55. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
909997 Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:..........thats great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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