skinfan133 Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 alright guys search reveals negative on this one so here goes: tell the best joke you know the best way possible. ground rules: -no super offensive racial jokes including but not limited to derogitory words, slurs, or purposely hurtful, so if you tell one make sure you know what you're geting into (no use of the N word, the G word or other racial derogitives, if you want clarification on te G word PM me) -no personally offensive jokes aimed at one person (presidents do not count for this, blast em into joke hell for all i care;) ) - dumb blonde jokes are encouraged -do not double post a joke -do not post a joe rght after yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinfan133 Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 heres my joke: so a bear and a duck are walking through the woods when a genie apears to them and says, "i shall now grant each of you three wishes for finding me deep in the woods!" the bear and the duck decide the bear will go first. the bear says, "oh genie i have alwasy wished for a mate, please give me a female bear for me!" genie says, "so be it!" and a female bear apeared next to him. bear says, "this is great but why stop here? genie i wish that every bear in these woods besides me was a woman bear!" genie says, "so be it!" and every bear besides ours turned into a woman bear. "this is amazing! now to take the final step to true happiness!" said bear "genie, make every bear besides me in the whole world a woman bear!" genie says, "so be it!" every bear in the world was now a woman all for our bear. bear says to duck, "duck i hope the genie can make you as happy as me!" duck says, "oh i think he can do that, and more!" he turnes to the genie and says, "genie, i wish for a very strong helmet and a very fast motorcycle." genie says, "ok here you are, but i have to ask, why these when you can have anything?" duck replies, " you'll see in just a moment! genie i now wil make my final wish!" bear was sitting silently waiting for the last wish, many women bears around him. "genie!" cired the duck as he mounted his motorcycle, "i wish bear was GAY!" and sped away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 can i add a rule? if it's a wv joke, please post it here thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoEd Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 my friend e-mailed me this : Things I Learned From Movies 1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. 3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. 6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. 8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. 11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. 12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. 13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. 14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 15. All single women have a cat. 16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. 18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. 19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. 20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. 21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. 22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. 24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. 27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. 28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. :laugh: LMAO but here is my favorite: Two men are walking down the street... I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore. :rotflmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Predicto Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 You need to tell this one with a heavy Irish brogue or it doesnt work. Patrick walks into the pub and asks what on the menu. Barkeep says: "try me wife's Irish 239 bean soup!" Patrick says: "Ok, I'll bite. Why does it have 239 beans?" Barkeep says: "Ah, well, one mohr bean 'n it'd be two fahrty!" ___________ Patrick comes back the next day and says: "Faith and Begorrah, that soup was pretty fine. How about another bowl?" Barkeep says: "I'm sad to tell ya Pat, but we hadda change the recipe on account of the terrible gas it were givin evverone. It's only Irish 139 bean soup now." Patrick says: "Well, serve it up anyway." As he's eating, the Barkeep asks him how it is. Patrick says: "Tastes a wee bit off. I think yer counting might be mistaken. Ya call it 139 bean soup, but it sure seems like one fahrty soup to me!" ___________ Barkeep takes a taste, and then yells back to the kitchen: "Colleen, throw another 70 beans in the pot!" He goes back and comes out with a fresh bowl and hands it to Patrick: "Taste this then - a bowl of this and you'll be two-ten fer sure!" _____________ Well, it's funny when you are really drunk anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinfan133 Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 Well, it's funny when you are really drunk anyway. hey im a 6th generation irishman so its pretty funny to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumrunner6900 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I think I've seen this before...but.... A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!" :eaglesuck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgun88 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Horse walks into a bar, bartender says, " Why the long face?". ....... ha.....ha.... h...a....:doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Horse walks into a bar, bartender says, " Why the long face?". ....... ha.....ha.... h...a....:doh: go jump out a window Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Horse walks into a bar, bartender says, " Why the long face?". ....... ha.....ha.... h...a....:doh: So, a guy walks into a bar. Ouch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinclair Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 WARNING SICK-- Whats the difference between a brand new Mustang and a Pile of dead babies? I dont Have the Mustang in my Garage.. :silly:gross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TODD Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Alright, so two Hydrogen ions are talking. "Oh no!" the first one says, "I lost my electron!" The other Hydrogen ion says, "Aw, man, that sucks! Are you sure you lost it?" "Yeah, I'm positive." :paranoid: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinfan133 Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 Alright, so two Hydrogen ions are talking. "Oh no!" the first one says, "I lost my electron!" The other Hydrogen ion says, "Aw, man, that sucks! Are you sure you lost it?" "Yeah, I'm positive." :paranoid: haha what a science nerd, i mean, i didnt get that, doh:doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissU28 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 what's the opposite of christopher reeve? *christopher walken. yeah, i'm going to hell How do you know you're at a gay barbeque? cuz all the weiners taste like **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinclair Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Whats green and has Wheels? Grass, I lied about the Wheels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinklein Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinclair Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 how many elephants can you fit into a mini-car? 4, 2 in the front, 2 in the back How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge? There are Tracks in Butter How can you tell if 2 Elephants have been in your fridge? 2 sets of tracks What about 3 elephants in your fridge.? 3 sets of tracks How about 4 Elephants in your fridge? Theres a mini car parked outside Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinfan133 Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 go jump out a window now thats funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teller Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 A Maryland proctologist is cruising along in his Jaguar, approaching a bridge leading into West Virginia, when he's pulled over by a West Virginia State Trooper. "Sir, I clocked you at 70 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone," the Trooper says. "Why are you in such a hurry?" "Well sir," the proctologist replies. "I'm a rectum stretcher, and I'm late for an appointment." "A rectum stretcher," the Trooper says laughing. "What the hell is that?" "Well," the proctologist says. "On the first appointment, I try to stretch the patient's rectum about three or four inches. On the second appointment, I stretch it about a foot. After six months of stretching, I can get the average person's rectum to about six feet." The Trooper shakes his head. "What would you do with a six-foot ***hole?" The proctologist fired right back, "Give him a radar gun and put him on the other side of this bridge." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
airborneskins Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 A Maryland proctologist is cruising along in his Jaguar, approaching a bridge leading into West Virginia, when he's pulled over by a West Virginia State Trooper."Sir, I clocked you at 70 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone," the Trooper says. "Why are you in such a hurry?" "Well sir," the proctologist replies. "I'm a rectum stretcher, and I'm late for an appointment." "A rectum stretcher," the Trooper says laughing. "What the hell is that?" "Well," the proctologist says. "On the first appointment, I try to stretch the patient's rectum about three or four inches. On the second appointment, I stretch it about a foot. After six months of stretching, I can get the average person's rectum to about six feet." The Trooper shakes his head. "What would you do with a six-foot ***hole?" The proctologist fired right back, "Give him a radar gun and put him on the other side of this bridge." :notworthy :notworthy I am not a funny guy, SO I dont have any jokes to tell.. :doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinfan133 Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 :notworthy :notworthy I am not a funny guy, SO I dont have any jokes to tell.. :doh: i got one, its called the U.S. army:silly: :silly: (you know of course i have the greatest respect for you guys, especially the ones with wings.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teller Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 i got one, its called the U.S. army:silly: :silly: (you know of course i have the greatest respect for you guys, especially the ones with wings.) A little love for the crossed pistols, or my days of gittin' yer back are numbered! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 how does that joke go with the sheep and rince's mom? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 Whats green and has Wheels?Grass, I lied about the Wheels. :laugh: i love stupid jokes like those. here's another one i like from South Park: Jimmy: knock, knock Cartman: who's there Jimmy: interrupting cow Cartman: interrupting c-- Jimmy: mooooooo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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