Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[China]

Go back to the Batcave! Man dressed as Batman is turned away by police in British Columbia after offering them his help

 

This is a job for Batman! Or, maybe not?

 

He may be the caped crusader but even Batman is not allowed to cross a police line no matter how honorable his intentions. 

 

The realistic-looking comic book superhero appeared to have traded in his usual Batmobile for a pickup truck, but there was no mistaking who he had come to help - the local police force in Kelowna, British Columbia.

 

 

Upon approaching the armed Kelowna officers during the incident to offer them assistance, cops assured him that they 'had it under control'.

 

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Dubstep artist Skrillex could protect against mosquito bites

 

The sun is shining on your skin, there's a breeze in your hair and someone has just handed you a coconut with a straw sticking out of it. This is living.

 

But just as you start to relax you find yourself clawing at your own skin, scratching at the mosquito bites that have developed on your body over the past few days.

 

But it doesn't have to be this way.

 

According to a recent scientific study, the way to avoid mosquito bites is to listen to electronic music - specifically dubstep, specifically by US artist Skrillex.

 

Sound is "crucial for reproduction, survival, and population maintenance of many animals," says a team of international scientists specialising in mosquitoes and the diseases they carry.

 

They subjected adults of the species Aedes aegypti, known as the yellow fever mosquito, to electronic music to see whether it could work as a repellent.

 

Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites, a track by Skrillex which features on his Grammy-award winning album of the same name, was chosen because of its mix of very high and very low frequencies.

 

"In insects, low-frequency vibrations facilitate sexual interactions, whereas noise disrupts the perception of signals from conspecifics [members of the same species] and hosts," the scientists said.

 

And the results, which were published in the journal Acta Tropica, were good news for us and for Skrillex.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

YOGA DOES NOT MAKE INMATES GAY, SAYS RUSSIAN PRISON CHIEF AS CLASSES ARE REINSTATED

 

Russian prison authorities have reinstated yoga for inmates after dismissing a claim by a religious scholar that the practice could make them gay.

 

Both a Moscow pre-trial detention center for women and the renowned Butyrka prison in the Russian capital introduced yoga classes last year, according to The Moscow Times. 

 

Theological professor Alexander Dvorkin wrote a document suggesting yoga could cause uncontrolled sexual arousal and homosexuality in detention centers, leading to riots, the newspaper Moskovsky Komsomlets reported. Senator Elena Mizulina, who is known for her conservative views, used the document to appeal to the Prosecutor General's Office to check the legality of the yoga classes, and asked for them to be suspended, according to the paper.

 

However the classes have been reinstated and Valery Maximenko, deputy head of the Federal Prison Service (FSIN) told a Russian radio station that the sessions had a “very positive” effect on inmates.

 

“We conducted a study, and among those people who practiced yoga, there was a sharp reduction in visits to doctors for help,” he told the radio station Govorit Moskva (Moscow Speaks).

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

3-year-old locks parents out of iPad for 25,536,442 minutes

 

A man in Washington, D.C., was locked out of his iPad for more than 25 million minutes, or 48 years, after his 3-year-old tried to use it.

 

Evan Osnos, a writer with The New Yorker magazine, shared an image on social media Saturday, showing the screen of his locked-out tablet.

 

“iPad is disabled,” it read. “Try again in 25,536,442 minutes.”

 

 

Osons took to Twitter seeking advice. “Uh, this looks fake but, alas, it’s our iPad today after 3-year-old tried (repeatedly) to unlock. Ideas?” he wrote.

 

“Reboot your 3 y.o.,” joked a user. “I would just wait it out,” suggested one man. “Pour one out in memory of your iPad,” said another user.

 

Some on Twitter suggested there was nothing he could do, but others came forward with helpful links to tech blogs explaining how he might resolve the issue.

 

While the 48-year lockout seems extreme, it’s part of typical Apple product security features, says Tom Wolanczyk, head office production manager at Toronto-based Fixt Wireless Repair. Android devices don’t have such lengthy password lockouts, says Wolanczyk, but he’s seen it before on client Apple products.

 

It starts with a 30-second warning, and goes up incrementally from there. “Five minutes, 10 mins, an hour. Then after the hour it’s like a crazy 365,000 minutes,” says Wolanczyk. “I don’t think anyone is going to want to wait 87 years to enter their password again.”

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

[China]

Russian colonel reveals Kremlin is teaching dolphins & soldiers to use psychic abilities

 

A Russian military publication published an article by a military field officer, claiming that the post-Soviet state has access to psychic soldiers and telepathic dolphins.

 

The state-funded Army Digest is coming under fire from some government officials after it released the work of Colonel Nikolai Poroskov, who wrote about “metacontact technology.”

 

According to Poroskov, ‘metacontact’ was taught to the Russians by telepathic dolphins, and a soldier trained in the ‘metacontact’ arts can provide a unit with unique intelligence-gathering and sabotage capabilities.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Captain Wiggles]

[China]

Woman Calls 911 About Burglar In Bathroom; Turns Out To Be Roomba

 

WASHINGTON COUNTY, Ore. — Imagine coming home to find a burglar in your bathroom.

 

Terrified, you call 911 and wait for police to arrive, like one person in Oregon did when faced with the same issue. You tell the dispatcher the intruder has locked himself in the bathroom, and you can see shadows under the door.

 

Seven minutes later, deputies arrive and surround the house. They call in a K9 to help.

 

Deputies hear noise coming from the bathroom. They order the suspect to surrender, but the burglar won’t budge.

 

Ten minutes later, deputies break into the bathroom with their weapons drawn to find the suspect: a robotic vacuum.

 

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Elessar78]

 

[Elessar78]

On 4/10/2019 at 11:02 AM, China said:

Woman Calls 911 About Burglar In Bathroom; Turns Out To Be Roomba

 

WASHINGTON COUNTY, Ore. — Imagine coming home to find a burglar in your bathroom.

 

Terrified, you call 911 and wait for police to arrive, like one person in Oregon did when faced with the same issue. You tell the dispatcher the intruder has locked himself in the bathroom, and you can see shadows under the door.

 

Seven minutes later, deputies arrive and surround the house. They call in a K9 to help.

 

Deputies hear noise coming from the bathroom. They order the suspect to surrender, but the burglar won’t budge.

 

Ten minutes later, deputies break into the bathroom with their weapons drawn to find the suspect: a robotic vacuum.

 

 

Click on the link for the full article

Black roomba. Mooslem too? 

[China]

Someone Illegally Drove A Real-Life Mario Kart Over Tokyo’s Rainbow Bridge

 

There’s this thing you can do in Tokyo where you basically rent a go-kart, don a Mario onesie, and drive around the streets of the city on a cosplay-style sightseeing tour. For tourists, the activity is peddled as a “Once in a lifetime experience”; but for local authorities it’s turned into a recurring headache.

 

And earlier this week, a rented go-kart was spotted travelling down a restricted highway and over Tokyo Bay’s Rainbow Bridge before disappearing into the night.

 

Not the actual incident. 

 

Video footage posted to social media shows the runaway buggy driving in the far left lane of traffic as it crosses the Rainbow Bridge. Tokyo Metropolitan Police have launched an investigation into the matter, and are still on the lookout for the driver.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[TheGreatBuzz]

That bridge was always a racetrack when I lived there.  Had a '66 GTO that made it difficult to blend in.

[China]

1 hour ago, TheGreatBuzz said:

That bridge was always a racetrack when I lived there.  Had a '66 GTO that made it difficult to blend in.

 

[China]

Man Inadvertently Proves That Hipsters Look Alike By Mistaking Photo As Himself

 

It's a running joke that male hipsters all look alike with their flannel shirts, thick beards and other seemingly off-brand attributes. But a comical incident in the MIT Technology Review might just prove that they all really do look alike.

 

The publication recently published an article on a study out of Brandeis University about the "hipster effect," which studied how nonconformists usually act unconventionally in the same way — to end up being exactly the same.

 

"What the study found essentially was that when a group of people decide to be different, to do something nonconforming, there comes a point when they all end up adopting the same behavior or the same style," Gideon Lichfield, editor-in-chief of MIT Technology Review, told NPR's Lulu Garcia-Navarro for Weekend Edition.

 

While the study proves this theory, so does accidentally thinking the edited photo at the top of the story — which featured a man in a plaid shirt with a beanie on — is of yourself.

Right after the article was published, MIT Technology Review promptly received an email from someone who claimed he was the man in the photo and hadn't given his consent. He accused the publication of slandering him and threatened legal action, writing:

 

Quote

"You used a heavily edited Getty image of me for your recent bit of click-bait about why hipsters all look the same. It's a poorly written and insulting article and somewhat ironically about five years too late to be as desperately relevant as it is attempting to be. By using a tired cultural trope to try to spruce up an otherwise disturbing study. Your lack of basic journalistic ethics and both the manner in which you reported this uncredited nonsense and the slanderous unnecessary use of my picture without permission demands a response and I am of course pursuing legal action."

 

Lichfield and his team quickly checked to see if the model in the photo signed a model release. They contacted Getty Images, which found that the person who signed the model release was not the person who wrote the angry email.

 

After the misunderstanding was cleared up, the man responded by saying to Getty Images, "Wow, I stand corrected I guess...

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Pothole vigilante gets instant results with this VERY RUDE hack

 

Cash-strapped councils can take months, or even years, to get around to fixing potholes. They’re often overlooked in favour of other public services and besides, they have a secret second function as a cheap and cheerful speed control measure.

 

But motorists and cyclists both hate them. They damage suspensions and wheels, and can cause nasty accidents.

So one clever soul from Middlesborough found a brilliant solution: they spray-painted stylised ‘c*** and balls’ images around two particularly bad potholes that has been annoying locals for over a year, and the council came along and repaired them almost straight away.

 

Click on the link for the uncensored image

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

An Intro to Figging—The Kink Where You Put Ginger in Your Butt

 

Figging is a form of sensation play that was once a form of animal cruelty but has since been adopted as a human kink. The wonders of sex never cease.

 

Despite its name, no actual figs are harmed in the process of figging.

 

So, what is figging, exactly?

The classic definition of figging, if you will, involves placing a piece of raw, peeled ginger into someone’s anus, though this has since been expanded to include vaginas, and, in some cases, urethras.

 

Also called “gingering,” figging creates a warm, tingling, or burning sensation that some people find erotic, intense, humiliating, or painful in an exciting way. If the ginger is intended for the ass, a finger will be peeled and carved into a butt plug shape—that is, tapered at the insertion point with a wider flange at the end so it won’t get lost up there.

 

What a figgable butt and ginger may look like

 

Though ginger is the most common foodstuff for figging, you can use anything that gets you, well, hot. Hot peppers, cinnamon, garlic, pepper (the spice), Tabasco sauce, peppermint oil (basically anything with the word “pepper” in it!) can also be used, depending on your pain tolerance and how well-stocked your pantry is.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Iguana injured in bizarre attack can’t get surgery due to police

 

An iguana badly injured when it was used as a “weapon” in a bizarre attack cannot get the surgery it needs — because it is under police protective custody, according to the vets trying to treat it.

 

Copper the Iguana is missing part of its tail and also has a leg fracture after an angry diner swung the animal around his head and then threw it at a restaurant manager in Painesville, Ohio, last month.

 

The Lake Humane Society is now waiting for permission from the courts to treat Copper, who also has bone disease.

 

“Copper is under protective custody and the case is being handled by the Painesville Police Department,” the humane society said in a fundraising appeal for the $1,600 the surgery will eventually cost.

 

“We are awaiting permission to perform the surgery Copper requires as a result of her injuries. Once we receive approval from the courts, we will get Copper the care she needs.”

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

How to Sink a $3 Billion Dollar Submarine: Forgetting to Close a Hatch

 

“Arihant is the most important platform within India’s nuclear triad covering land-air-sea modes,” the Hindu reports. Well, it’s important if it works — and it probably helps to make your submarine watertight.

 

The modern submarine is not a simple machine. A loss of propulsion, unexpected flooding, or trouble with reactors or weapons can doom a sub crew to a watery grave.

Also, it’s a good idea to, like, close the hatches before you dive.

 

Call it a lesson learned for the Indian navy, which managed to put the country’s first nuclear-missile submarine, the $2.9 billion INS Arihant, out of commission in the most boneheaded way possible.The Hindu reported yesterday that the Arihant has been out of commission since suffering “major damage” some 10 months ago, due to what a navy source characterized as a “human error” — to wit: allowing water to flood to sub’s propulsion compartment after failing to secure one of the vessel’s external hatches.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Tenn. police solve mystery of clown in a van handing out candy to children, say he is 'a nice man'

 

Clarksville Police Department in Tennessee has investigated reports of a man dressed as a clown driving around the area and handing out candy to children. They have found that the man is actually "nice" and "did not mean any harm."

 

Investigators had initially received reports from a couple of fifth-grade children, in which a man dressed as a clown was offering them candy and ushering them towards his vehicle, according to WSMV.

 

They described the vehicle as a gray-colored sedan, and the man had a white face and red nose. A woman was also allegedly accompanying him. While the man motioned for them to come near the vehicle, the children ran away and informed administration at their school of the incident.

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

 

Unavailable for comment

[Captain Wiggles]

[China]

Oregon City underwear bandit gets 30 days in jail

 

An Oregon City man was sentenced last week to 30 days in jail after he was captured on video surveillance breaking into a neighbor’s home and stealing underwear from her bedroom last June.

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

[China]

Is this the world's worst Airbnb? British Tottenham Hotspur fan is shocked to discover his £100-a-night room in Amsterdam is actually a shipping container (with a portable toilet inside)

 

A British tourist who booked a £100-a-night home in Amsterdam through Airbnb was stunned to find the 'cottage' was a shipping container set up on the roadside.

Football fan Ben Speller arrived in the Dutch city ahead of Tottenham Hotspur's match against local team Ajax last week.

 

Hopeful of finding somewhere cheap and cheerful, Mr Speller was delighted when he came across the listing for a 'clean home in Amsterdam with a private bathroom'.

 

But the Londoner received quite the shock after arriving for his one-night stay to be met with a grey shipping container with three mattresses and a portable toilet inside at Pauwenpad, near the Prins Bernhardplein, in Amsterdam.

 

 

 

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

New Heinz condiment Mayochup has an unfortunate translation in Cree

 

After a run in the U.S., Kraft Heinz introduced Mayochup, a combination of mayonnaise and ketchup mixed in a single bottle, to Canadian consumers earlier this month.

 

 

The name seems pretty logical—though some would argue ketchonnaise would be better—but in certain Cree dialects it comes off as less than appealing.

To some, Mayochup can translate to “****faced” or “**** is on my face”.

 

Originally tweeted by CBC radio host Waubgeshig Rice, Grand Chief Jonathan Solomon of the Mushkegowuk council in Northern Ontario first pointed out the translation mishap.

 

“We the Cree people are laughing about it because of what it means in our language,” he told the National Post in an email. “It’s kinda funny when you think about it. If I ate it and have some on my face, than I [am] Mayuchup/****face.”

 

Click on the  link for the full article

[China]

You cheeky badger! Black & white bandit filmed raiding woman’s freezer for midnight feasts

 

Hannah Carver has solved the mystery of the regular nightly raids on her kitchen.

 

For a while, she suspected a fox might be popping in for a midnight feast, but after setting up a video camera to catch the culprit she discovered her nightly visitor was a badger with a taste for ice lollies.

 

The black and white bandit has a soft spot for bubblegum flavour ice creams, wolfing them down one after another. It has also eaten its way through Twister ice lollies, mashed potato, crumpets and Chinese style pork chops – but it won’t just eat anything – the furry raider drew the line at scallops.

 

As well as the cost of feeding the uninvited guest, Hannah has a major clearing-up job to do every morning. The stripy intruder is quite a messy eater.

 

 

Barmaid Hannah, 29, asked her local council and various animal charities for help, but said she's been told there is little she can do because the species is protected.

 

She said she spoke to Environmental Health at Gosport Borough Council who she said referred her to an animal charity.

 

"He thought it was a hoax," she said.

 

"I mean I was telling him I had a badger coming in my house and raiding my freezer and eating all my food in the middle of the night.

 

"All he could advise was making my house badger proof, but they are little tanks.

 

"He said even if I block up the cat flap, once they know there is food and a way in, they will just try and break through.

 

"I've had a search online and apparently they don't like male urine.

 

"So what am I supposed to do? Grab a man off the street and get him to wee up against my front door?

 

Click on the link for the full article and video

Edited May 22, 2019 by China

[China]

So rain damaged the Ark?  

 

Ark Encounter LLC Files Lawsuit After Heavy Rains Damage Property

 

Court documents filed in District Court show that the owners of the Ark Encounter in Northern Kentucky have filed a suit against their insurance company after flood and storm damage.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[volsmet]