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10 Historic Badasses (Ass-Kicking Edition)


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10 Historic Badasses (Ass-Kicking Edition)

A few months back we featured a list of 10 badasses from the pages of history. Unfortunately, despite the high level of ass-kicking, on the list, some people wanted more face-punching action and less touching stories about moms raising their kids to be awesome. This is a list of 10 people who were badass enough to warrant mention purely for their ass-kicking skills… despite being, you know, dead.

1. Simo Häyhä

Simo Häyhä, the Finnish sniper, still holds the record for highest amount of sniper kills in any major war, an astonishing 500+ in 100 days of the Winter War. Before the war, Häyhä was a simple farmer. During the war, he was an unstoppable death machine. Despite having more soldiers, being better armed, and having more supplies, The Soviets were terrified of Häyhä. They called him the “White Death” and tried to kill him on numerous occasions, going as far as to call down artillery on his position. But Häyhä wasn’t content to just rack up kills - he had to do it better than anyone else. He used iron sights instead of telescopic ones to make himself a smaller target, and would keep snow in his mouth to keep his breath from giving away his position. Oh, and one other thing - in addition to his 500 kills with his sniper rifle, he also had 200 unconfirmed kills with his short range sub-machine gun.

2. Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson, the 7th President of the United States, spent more time fighting anyone who angered him than he spent leading the nation. The only president to ever beat up his own would-be assassin, he spent most of his time going to bizarre lengths to protect the honor of his beloved wife, Rachel Jackson. Andrew married Rachel before the ink was dry on her previous marriage’s divorce papers, and he decided to solve the problem using dueling anyone that called her a whore. His most famous duel involved Charles Dickinson, a famous duelist with 26 kills under his belt, after Jackson’s rivals pushed Dickinson into insulting Rachel. Jackson let Dickinson shoot him in the chest during the ensuing duel. As Dickinson reloaded, Jackson carefully aimed and fired; the shot slowly killed Dickinson, but Jackson prevailed. Jackson blamed the press for causing Rachel’s untimely death, but even after she preceded him to the grave, Jackson continued to duel for her honor.

3. Vlad III Dracula

Vlad III Dracula, the Prince of Wallachia, is best known for impaling anyone who pissed him off. “Dracula” is a family name meaning “Son of the Dragon”, and Vlad had plenty of daddy issues. When Vlad was just 13, his father sent him and his younger brother as vassals to the Ottoman empire. Vlad rose to power after his father was killed and his older brother was blinded by hot irons and then buried alive. He impaled thousands of peasants for harboring rivals, and impaled members of the nobility for questioning his power. Then, to really prove his point, he rebuilt a castle with the enslaved families of the impaled nobles. Bored with impaling on home turf, he set his sights on the Ottomans, impaling over 20,000 prisoners and waging a guerrilla war that eventually drove them out. Hailed a national hero, Vlad was then imprisoned by alienated nobles who sided with his younger brother. No one really agrees on what happened to him after his release. Rumors of bloodsucking and capes abound.

4. Shaka Zulu

Shaka Zulu, the founder of the Zulu kingdom, was the **** son of a minor chieftain who named Shaka after an intestinal parasite. Shaka’s daddy issues translated to an amazing aptitude for killing people. Before his influence, African wars were waged by getting a lot of guys to show up, hurling spears at each other, and waiting until one side gave up. Shaka dodged the spears, charged his opponents, and stabbed them to death. His rivals didn’t know what hit them; his new strategy was far superior to anything going, and he quickly made his way up the ranks. After his half-brother died under “mysterious circumstances”, Shaka studied up on the Klingons, reshaped Zulu culture around war, replaced spears with curved blades, and implemented rigid training programs where only the fittest survived. He quickly assimilated a vast kingdom but also became a cruel, paranoid dick and was eventually assassinated for his throne.

5. Triệu Thị Trinh

Triệu Thị Trinh, the Vietnamese rebel leader, successfully repelled Wu invaders over 30 times before she was 23. Most historians will agree that she did this using two swords while riding atop an elephant. But, Vietnamese historians posit that she was 9 feet tall with 5 foot long breasts that she wrapped around her body. Eighteenth-century historic texts report that she feared filth, a weakness that a clever Wu general used to his advantage during a key battle. He instructed his men to kick up dust while naked. Trinh rode off the battlefield in disgust, her troops were quickly defeated without her help, and she committed suicide to avoid capture. But, even in death, this giantess used all the skills available to her: her spirit reputedly haunted the general in his dreams. He fixed this problem by hanging wood carvings of penises over doorways to scare her ghost way. I’m sure that worked.

6. Ulf Hreda

Ulf Hreda, the Irish warrior, was involved in his King Brian Boru’s attempt to unite the Irish clans. He is also known as “Wolf the Quarrelsome”. That is a name someone gets by either being a hulking 11th-century Irish warrior renowned for his battle-axe skills or by being Wolf Blitzer. (Seriously, never mess with Wolf Blitzer.) The Vikings, mortal enemies of the Irish at the time, sent Brodir of the Isle of Man, a legendary warrior, to fight at the Battle of Clontarf in an effort to keep the Irish apart. The Viking epic Njál’s saga described Hreda as the “greatest champion and warrior” on the Irish side, and he certainly lived up the description by knocking Brodir down 4 times in a row with punishing axe attacks. Brodir managed to escape, and he killed King Brian in the process. Hreda, not one to forgive as his nickname suggests, then tracked Brodir, sliced open his stomach, wrapped his entrails around a giant oak tree, and left him to die an agonizing death.

7. Dioxippus

Dioxippus, the ancient Greek pankratiast, was such an ass-kicking machine that he won the pankration competition in the 336 Olympics by default because no one else wanted to challenge him. This was for good reason, as he demonstrated at a banquet thrown by Alexander the Great. Dioxippus was challenged to single combat by Coragus, Alexander the Great’s best warrior, and Dioxippus accepted. Coragus showed up with full armor, javelins, a spear, and sword. Dioxippus brought a club. During the fight, Dioxippus dodged a javelin, shattered Coragus’ spear with his club, and threw Coragus to the ground. Beating up the host’s heavily armed best warrior was a huge faux pas in Macedonian culture and Alexander the Great immediately became hostile towards Dioxippus. The grief of being shunned by Alexander and a Macedonian plot to frame him as a thief drove Dioxippus to suicide.

8. Masutatsu Ōyama

Masutatsu Ōyama, the founder of Kyokushin Karate, found traditional Karate too soft and spent his life perfecting a punch called the “Godhand”. He did this by secluding himself from society for approximately 3 years, training in the Japanese mountains, and sleeping in temples. Ōyama’s training regimen included meditating under waterfalls, working out 16 hours a day, breaking rocks and trees with his bare hands, fighting wild animals, and doing other things normally reserved for Jean-Claude Van Damme training montages. When he returned to society he picked an empty lot, called it “Ōyama Dojo”, and started showcasing his skills by fighting animals and people alike. Ōyama fought bulls barehanded, reputedly killing 3 with a single strike, and even fought 300 men in 3 days.

9. Audie Murphy

Audie Murphy, the American soldier, was one of the most decorated World War II soldiers. Unlike the muscle bound Ōyama, Murphy barely stood over 5′4″ and looked like he was 12. But, he managed to scam his way into the battlefield where he killed over 240 Nazis, destroyed 6 tanks, and fought entire brigades - all on his own. Powered entirely by determination and bravery, he once wiped out an entire Nazi machine gun nest after they killed his best friend. He then used their machine guns and grenades to destroy other outposts. Another time, he wiped out an entire Nazi brigade in subzero temperature and called in an aerial strike on his position to finish off what he couldn’t kill himself. He became a successful actor after the war, used his fame to become an advocate for returning soldiers, and spoke frankly about suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

10. Robert Mayne

Robert “Paddy” Mayne, the British soldier, was one of the most decorated World War II soldiers. But that is where the comparisons to Murphy end. Mayne loved fighting, drinking, and doing both at the same time. He would drink for hours in between missions and would then challenge every man in the bar to a fight. On the battlefield it was a different story. He single-handedly rescued a squadron by lifting the wounder one-by-one into his Jeep before destroying Nazi gunners in a nearby farmhouse. Mayne once attacked a commanding officer who gave orders that killed 130 of Mayne’s men. Most would have been court-martialed, but the British Army quickly remembered that he had pioneered drunkenly driving a Jeep into enemy airfields with guns blazing. He had destroyed over 100 enemy aircraft by himself using this method and no one thought it sound to disturb Mayne.

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Where's Chuck Norris?

Here he is.

The link to article is at the end of this post.

Chuck Norris claims thousands of right wing cell groups exist and will rebel against U.S. government

March 9, 7:33 AM · 575 comments

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The call by some right wing leaders for rebellion and for the military to refuse the commander in chief’s orders is joined by Chuck Norris who claims that thousands of right wing cell groups have organized and are ready for a second American Revolution. During an appearance on the Glen Beck radio show he promised that if things get any worse from his point of view he may “run for president of Texas.” The martial artist/actor/activist claims that Texas was never formally a part of the United States in the first place and that if rebellion is to come through secession Texas would lead the way.

Today in his syndicated column on WorldNetDaily Norris reiterates the point: “That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.”

He continues; calling on a second American Revolution; “…we've ****ized the First Amendment, reinterpreted America's religious history and secularized our society until we ooze skepticism and circumvent religion on every level of public and private life.

How much more will Americans take? When will enough be enough? And, when that time comes, will our leaders finally listen or will history need to record a second American Revolution? We the people have the authority according to America's Declaration of Independence, which states: That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government…”

Norris claims that; “Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation.” The right wing cells will meet during a live telecast, "We Surround Them," on Friday March 13 at 5 p.m.

He closes with the words of Sam Houston followed by a plug for his next martial arts event.

“We view ourselves on the eve of battle."

(Note: Speaking of showdowns, Chuck is also inviting anyone near the Houston area this weekend to see a good example of the raw Texas fighting spirit by joining him and others for the national martial arts event, "Showdown in H-Town.")“

More About: Republicans · Right Wing Cells · Militias · Treason


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Can't leave out Sampson:D

On the way to ask for the woman's hand in marriage, Samson is attacked by an Asiatic Lion and simply grabs it and rips it apart

He flies into a rage and kills thirty Philistines of Ashkelon for their garments

Using the jawbone of an ass, he slays one thousand Philistines.

Brought a building down with bare hands killing thousands

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Watch To Hell and Back where Audie Murphie plays himself. Awesome stuff.

And I think Enemy at the Gates is the story of Simo Häyhä who is played by Ed Harris.

Nah, Ed Harris played a rival German sniper in that one who was assigned to take out Jude Law.

Law's character was based on a real guy, too.

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Think "Enemy @ the Gates" was looooosely based on the Finnish sniper.

GREAT movie

Not quite. Enemy at the Gates is about the real duel between Vasily Zaytsev and Major Koenig, who was specifically sent to kill Zaytsev, at the Battle of Stalingrad.


I'd actually never heard of this Finnish guy. I need to read more on the Winter War of 1939-40.

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I'd like to see movies about Audie Murphy and the Finnish sniper guy.

Audi Murphy wrote "To Hell and Back Again", an autobiographical tail of his war experience. It was made into a movie staring of coarse Audi Murphy and remains one of the most realistic war movies ever made. It's regularly aired every memorial day.....

I would add to that list Pappy Boyington of the famed black sheep squadrin. The dude was perhaps one of the worst peace time soldiers of all time and was one of the best war fighters. He resigned from the US Marines in the late 1930's where he was a flight instructor in Pensicola Florida, to become a mercinary for China ( Flying Tigers ) cause his gambling debts were becoming such a problem his bookie was sending leg breakers after him. He figured he would make more money flying for china which was offering hundreds of dollars bounty on each enemy plane shot down. In Boyington's autobiography he discribes his trek to China by the Alcohol and quality of prostitutes at each place his slow moving transport ship made port. Boyington went on to go AWOL from the Tigers after they were nationalized by the US after Pearl Harbor. He was already an ace before the US got into the war, and refused to be made an enlisted man in the army. So he returned to the US and parked cars in Baltimore for the first year of the US involvement waiting for his Marine officers commision to be reinstated. Later he returned to the Pacific and became the top ace in the war for a time. Was shot down, was awarded the Medal of Honor for engageing more than 50 enemy aircraft all by himself in defense of a bomber with engine trouble ( resulting in him being shot down ). Shortly after the war this hero with his nation's highest honor for bravery, was bounced from the military for continous public drunkeness.

Sargent Alvin York. Originally a concientious objector in WWI, became the most highly decorated soldier of WWI. Single handeldy captured more than 140 germans and took out six machine gun nets too killing more than 30 germans. Another great movie staring Gary Cooper. Yorks secret was learned hunting turkeys in his native Tennesee. As a boy he learned if six turkeys are in the woods coming toward you, you don't shoot the first turkey cause the rest will scatter. Shoot the last turkey and work your way forward and you will get all six. So york kept shooting the last German.

Stone Wall Jackson. West Point Artilery man who taught at VMI before the civil war. His students called him Tom Fool and mocked him. During the battles of First Bull Run and Chancellorsville he single handly turned the tide of battle and his Stone Wall bragade which he organized, trained and lead; was widely believed to be the finest brigade on either side of the conflict.

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I was waiting to see Audie Murphy. Only 2 time winner of the Medal of Honor, then they made a movie about him kicking German asses (with the ass kicking title "To Hell and Back"), starring himself as himself.

Actually not... Audie Murphy only won the medel of honor once. for the engagement which ended his military career...

There have actually been 19 two time Medal of honor winners..

  1. Frank Baldwin
  2. Smedley Butler
  3. John Laver Mather Cooper
  4. Louis Cukela
  5. Thomas Custer
  6. Daniel Daly
  7. Henry Hogan
  8. Ernest A. Janson
  9. John J. Kelly
  10. John King (sailor)
  11. Matej Kocak
  12. John Lafferty
  13. John C. McCloy
  14. Patrick Mullen
  15. Ludwig Andreas Olsen
  16. John H. Pruitt
  17. Robert Augustus Sweeney
  18. Albert Weisbogel
  19. William Wilson

And of coarse the last one was Smedley Butler

who as a two time medal of honor winner exposed a plot about and attempt to overthrow the government of FDR back in the early 1930's and who was one of the first people to write a book on the power of the military industrial complex.


Smedley Butler

served 1898–1931

(*) Thomas Custer a two time Medal of honor winner was the brother of George Custer also a medal of honor winner ( only brothers to recieve the award ) both died at little big horn.

(*) Douglas McAurther and his father Auther McArther were the only father and son to recieve the medal of honor. Aurther McArther for his action during the civil war at Missionary Ridge, Tenn. Douglas McAurther recieved the medal of honor for following FDR's orders and retreating with his wife and son from the Philipenes at the beginning of WWII.

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