Daniel Snyder engages in new effort to ruin game day experience (humor)

[E-Dog Night]

RALJON—In the newest move made to suck the joy out of live professional football, Daniel Snyder and Redskins chief operating officer Mitch Gershman announced a landmark agreement this week to restrict large tailgate parties in the FedEx Field parking lots.

"I couldn't be more excited to completely screw up the gameday experience," said Snyder, who plans to begin relocating the most ardent fans who make up the heart and soul on the Redskins fan base as soon as possible. "Redskins football has a great history of raucous tailgating, endearing characters, interesting food choices, and countless jersey-clad die-hards who travel from miles around to participate in Sunday tailgating rituals. It will be an honor to destroy the only remaining vestige of fun in their lives."

"I'll use every dictatorial method I've cultivated since buying the Redskins to suck the very life and charm out of this beloved tradition," added Snyder, claiming that the decision could turn out to be the most colossally depressing maneuver in NFL history. "I won't rest until I piss every last fan off."

According to executives, Snyder Communications has been working feverishly to pulverize any hint of common decency involved with fan participation at FedEx Field. Their tireless goal is to make even the most casual fan want to scratch their eyes out.

"No owner today has Snyder's ability to somehow infuriate nearly every single person who comes through the gate", said Gershman. "And I personally can't wait to see how he needlessly lays waste to everything that once made the Redskins special."

Snyder reportedly only agreed to ruin tailgating after several specific conditions were agreed upon. According to the terms of the deal, Snyder must be allowed to personally extract any remaining cash from anyone caught exceeding the 2 car limit for tailgating parties. Specific procedures have yet to be determined, but sources say that Snyder will ride piggy-back on a giant, enormously strong, semi-retarded troglodyte named Blaster, shouting out his shrill commands as Blaster holds fans upside down and shakes the change out of their pockets.

"We're just getting started on the overall methods, but I've already got a lot of really great ideas about fleecing the people who sink their hard earned dollars into the Redskins," said Snyder, who claimed fans won't protest because they still believe that the glory days are just around the corner.

"You will all f****** hate me", he continued, "but it won't matter, because I have more money than all of you put together, and you seem totally willing to keep giving it to me."

NFL insiders agreed that Snyder—who has reportedly been closely involved in each of the progressively more horrific beat downs of anything resembling fun—was a natural choice to take a steaming dump on this one remaining area of old fashioned fan camaraderie.

"Daniel Snyder has this innate sense of how to ruin a great franchise," ESPN reporter Chris Mortenson said. "His ability to create the absolute worst gameday experience in the league, while continually producing a mediocre product on the field, is nothing short of astonishing."

Though he admitted there was still "a lot of screwing up to do", Snyder proudly pointed out all the progress he's already made in infuriating the FedEx faithful.

"After first firing many loyal and beloved members of the Redskins staff for no apparent reason, we relocated long time fan clusters without any thought on how this would go over with decades-long season ticket holders. And the continulously rising prices were my personal coup de grâce. Then we made many seats smaller to maximize the dollars that flow into my bank account, and we framed that decision under the guise of providing more opportunities for our fans to see the games - and they bought it!

"We further loused things up by replacing the catchy tunes that inspired fans to dance joyfully during time-outs with relentless Budweiser ads, accompanied with ear-bleeding volume levels. We created obstructed seats and sold them with ambiguous language. And then we hired PGC police to disallow fans from crossing certain inerscections, thus eliminating free parking! I have to admit, they didn't buy the "safety" argument on that one, but who cares? I got paid on the backs on the loyal fan base, and that's what matters".

But all the time and effort, Snyder claimed, is worth it to ensure that he screws the Redskins up as badly as he knows he can.

loosely based on an onion article about michael bay

[fullnelson9999]

Specific procedures have yet to be determined, but sources say that Snyder will ride piggy-back on a giant, enormously strong, semi-retarded troglodyte named Blaster, shouting out his shrill commands as Blaster holds fans upside down and shakes the change out of their pockets.

That is fricken hilarious. Great job.

"Blaster just pawn in game of life"

[Dan T.]

Good write-up, E-Dog... well researched and fact-based!

[Skins PR]

I hate Snyder. Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate.

I hate that anyone on here can still defend him.

[Thirtyfive2seven]

Snyder rules. Who would want to tailgate at a football game?

[laxpck]

Snyder owns the team. He will for a long long long long time.

Might as well get used to it or try to find another team. Nothing personal. Them just the facts.

[Skins PR]

Snyder owns the team. He will for a long long long long time.

Might as well get used to it or try to find another team. Nothing personal. Them just the facts.

I hate this crap too.

[E-Dog Night]

Snyder owns the team. He will for a long long long long time.

Might as well get used to it or try to find another team. Nothing personal. Them just the facts.

Find another team? Are there people who actually do that?

And statistically, Snyder and I will likely die at approximately the same time. He was born a few years before I was and he'll likely outlive me by a few years as well, based solely on the fact that wealthy people tend to live longer due to their access to top tier health care.

So unless he dies prematurely, he will be the owner for the rest of my life.

Oh well. At least I'll always have memories.

[ECU-ALUM]

Find another team? Are there people who actually do that?

And statistically, Snyder and I will likely die at approximately the same time. He was born a few years before I was and he'll likely outlive me by a few years as well, based solely on the fact that wealthy people tend to live longer due to their access to top tier health care.

So unless he dies prematurely, he will be the owner for the rest of my life.

Oh well. At least I'll always have memories.

And they are some awesome memories...but I believe that sooner or later it will turn around...somehow someway.

[zoony]

by 2012, all fans exiting FedEx Field will be turned upside down and shaken violently. Anyone actually caught leaving with change in their pockets will be punished by crushing

[Vicious]

And they are some awesome memories...but I believe that sooner or later it will turn around...somehow someway.

Raiders of the East, except Al Davis has a closer expiration date.

[Lombardi's_kid_brother]

by 2012, all fans exiting FedEx Field will be turned upside down and shaken violently. Anyone actually caught leaving with change in their pockets will be punished by crushing

I think Snyder has learned a lesson from the airlines. You can now charge for services that you used to provide for free.

I think the pay urinals will be the straw that breaks the camel's back personally.

In fact, with your permission, I would like to write a fake article about the installation of pay urinals at FedEx just to see how many people believe it. Snyder has reached the point where any crazy-ass idea coming out of Redskins Park seems plausible.

(I'm not actually going to post anything, because I am in a lazy mood because it is 162 degrees here. But, in your heart, you know I am right).

[Lombardi's_kid_brother]

Here's something to ponder.

When fans are openly discussing your life expectancy...that's probably not a good sign.

[zoony]

In fact' date=' with your permission, I would like to write a fake article about the installation of pay urinals at FedEx just to see how many people believe it. Snyder has reached the point where any crazy-ass idea coming out of Redskins Park seems plausible.

(I'm not actually going to post anything, because I am in a lazy mood because it is 162 degrees here. But, in your heart, you know I am right).[/quote']

who are you talking to? lol

[Lombardi's_kid_brother]

who are you talking to? lol

Tonight? Jesus. My dead grandfather. John Lennon. Judge Learned Hand. And the late great Mel Blanc.

I'm working during the day, studying at night, and it's 155 degrees out.

And Dan Snyder just called me and told me that I owed him $2.63. I said, "Dude, I didn't even want the Skittles." And he said...and I quote... "You always want the Skittles."

It's the witching hour, of course.

[zoony]

ahhh yes, Houston in the summer. Take 600 billion tons of concrete*, pour out over a 100 mile radius, bake at 110 degrees in direct sunlight. add enough moisture so that dew forms on windows. enjoy

(*seriously, I think there is more concrete in the greater Houston area than there is in the rest of the world combined)

[Lombardi's_kid_brother]

ahhh yes, Houston in the summer. Take 600 billion tons of concrete*, pour out over a 100 mile radius, bake at 110 degrees in direct sunlight. add enough moisture so that dew forms on windows. enjoy

(*seriously, I think there is more concrete in the greater Houston area than there is in the rest of the world combined)

I admire the fact that out of the entirety of that rant, you chose to focus on the heat. You have laser-like focus.

I've been going to the downtown law library on the weekends. Do you have any idea how pleasant it is to walk across an abandoned parking lot in an empty city at noon when the heat index is 103? I imagine Venus has more pleasant summers.

[MikeBass]

It's kinda strange how fans would pay all the money they have to buy liquor, steaks, beer, megaphones, tents, grills and now a days, with the internet making fandom a more social environment than repping the team, make-up, pretty shoes and pink outfits and maybe even a "date" to look good and rep other fans at tailgates...BUT still complain about Snyder's prices.

[zCommander]

I think the pay urinals will be the straw that breaks the camel's back personally.

Please hand me your wallet first!

[Hubbs]

Snyder owns the team. He will for a long long long long time.

Might as well get used to it or try to find another team. Nothing personal. Them just the facts.

Either the Democrats or the Republicans will likely be in charge of the country for a long long long long time. Therefore, we shouldn't bother criticizing anything they do.

[Probos]

Snyder owns the team. He will for a long long long long time.

Might as well get used to it or try to find another team. Nothing personal. Them just the facts.

Thanks for the news flash, but we all know that Dan Jong Il owns the team, and will for a long, long, long time. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! This however will not change my opinion of him and the way he runs the team. He is sucks, period. He's managed to suck the soul out of the SKins in less than 10 years.

And I will not find another team -- I've been a fan long than he's been the owner. F him.

[honejc]

That was a great 'article"!!!!

[scuppajones]

LOL, great stuff.

God I wish Snyder would sell the team. He is ruining our franchise. It is really depressing.

[youngestson]

The "article" actually had me laughing out loud while I read it. Very funny:hysterical: