redskns21 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I know that I've seen some pretty personal stuff posted on here before and while I"m a bit reluctant to spill this all out on a Redskins message board, I know that there are a lot of good people here who have good advice. I thank you in advance for even clicking into this thread. So, about the beginning of December my wife of 7 years (been together 10) started saying she was depressed, sad about her looks, getting older (she was only turning 34), etc. She said that she needed to probably talk to someone but with the holidays we/she procrastinated and have just recently 2 weeks ago got her medicine. I found a counselor and we went 1 time, scheduled a 2nd which my wife cancelled and now she won't go back cause she doesn't like her. She has a follow up with her regular doctor this week to get more testing and I'm hoping that she gets a good referral then. I've never really dealt with depression nor do I know the depths of it but I'm pretty sure it's VERY bad with my wife right now. She is constantly leaving me and the kids for days at a time staying at a hotel, her parents, anywhere but here. No communication from her at the times, and she simply says that she wants to be alone. She's been doing this off and on now since before Christmas. She has always been a great woman, wife and especially mother. The type where the kids were always before her. She's now not even bothering to really take care of them and as far as our marriage, she's completely withdrawn. To the point of telling me the other day that she wants to separate. We've had nothing catastrophic happen in our relationship, no breaks of trust, no real bad fights, only stayed apart from each other when work forced it and that wasn't often. I've read a bit on depression online and it is said that someone depressed will do whatever they can to make the people who care about them or want to help them go away, they feel as though they aren't good enough for them and therefore they need to separate. This is just really occupying all of my thoughts, it's hurting our kids, it's tough. Has anyone been through this, can someone help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tastes Like Chicken Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 There is a lot of mental illness in my family on my mom's side. All I can offer is that she is seeking help, that is the most important step. Just keep doing whatever you can to be there for her and take care of the kids. Best of luck bro, that's a tough situation to be in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 she is going thru it dude thats one thing for sure. she needs to find someone she feels comfortable talking to. i went thru several different counselors before i found the lady that i was comfortable enough to open up with. if you love her enough to stay with her you should support her in finding someone and be there with her while she speaks to her regular doctor. I would speak with her parents and get their point of view too. they could know something you dont and be able to give you insight as well. good luck with this man. remember that this is not something she can just turn on and off like a switch. she isnt just being depressed for no good reason. there is something wrong with her and she needs you to be there with her to support her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskns21 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Thank you. I'm really struggling with it and not taking it personal. I can only imagine what's going through my kids minds. I"m trying to keep it fun for them, taking them out for dinner buying my daughter a DS yesterday, just anything to keep them happy. I hope to God it works and it's the right thing to do. Anyhow thanks for the reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC_RedskinsFan Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I dont know about the depression part, but i do know that once something is made up in a persons mind it is almost impossible to change it. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doozinbrah Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Honestly, depression is a nasty thing. My wife has a personality disorder and at anytime her moods can change. I have dealt with what is called situational depression because of my wifes issues. I am not really sure what to say about her leaving for periods of time, and then asking to seperate from you. I will say that medicine now is very helpful but the person with depression really has to want help. If they don't, it's pretty much a lost cause. Well atl east that is what I have seen with my father who also has issues with depression and alcoholism, which is just another story all together. Anyway just try to be there for her. If you need somone to talk or want more details feel free to pm me. Greg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 she is going thru it dude thats one thing for sure. she needs to find someone she feels comfortable talking to. i went thru several different counselors before i found the lady that i was comfortable enough to open up with. if you love her enough to stay with her you should support her in finding someone and be there with her while she speaks to her regular doctor. I would speak with her parents and get their point of view too. they could know something you dont and be able to give you insight as well. good luck with this man. remember that this is not something she can just turn on and off like a switch. she isnt just being depressed for no good reason. there is something wrong with her and she needs you to be there with her to support her. I agree with this,especially the last. My wife had what was diagnosed as depression twice and both times there was a serious physical problem that she was unaware of. Encourage her to talk to someone AND see a Dr. You have my sympathy and prayers.... take care of yourself and kids while giving her space and time,sometimes life just overwhelms you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskns21 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Thank you all. I am takling with her family, I've gotten her into the doctor that she's seeing now who prescribed what she's currently taking. I"m told that it can take anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks for it to start working. It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet so... I've asked if she wanted to go into life stress but she doesn't want people in her face every day. I think that the counselor part will be the hardest thing with her. She has seen one in the past but quit after a few sessions. Thanks to those who've replied with heartfelt replies. My wife and I did talk about the separation being likely a cause of her condition. I laid out some questions like did you feel this way in November, do you feel I deserve better and that's why you'd want to leave, etc. To all of those questions, I got a yes answer so I do believe that it is a function of how poorly she thinks of herself at this time. I hope there is some truth to what I read here, http://ezinearticles.com/?Does-Depression-Cause-Divorce?&id=664584. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CRobi21 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 It seems like you got some good advice from these guys. I'm a little too young to give my honest opinion. But I just wanted to say I hope things work out for ya dude. I'm hoping for the best for your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 There it is! """""34"""" The magic numbers! Don't be stupid. For the love of GOD! :mad: You need advice alright. A lawyer, NOW! and I mean NOW!:cuss: If it walks like a duck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMK9973 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Good luck. I truly belive my wifes depression ruined our marriage. In fact, I'm not sure my wife would argue. Your a little better off in that your wife is agreeing to get help and take the medication. My wife spent 3 years saying she wasn't depressed and wouldn't take medication. She finally agreed to go to counseling be didn't like the consular.... for 3 straight counselors. Mostly - She didn't like that they all said she was depressed. Ok - But this is not about me, but about you. But I do have some advise.... Once she gets help (And make her get help. If she refuses push hard! It took me finally saying I was going to leave and take the kids if she didn't. I still don't know if I was bluffing our not), once she does - You get help. Here's the things - You will resent her. You don't want to, you will try not to, but you are human and you will. She WILL get better, and you will see it. But there will always be "flashes" of how she was. There always are. And you will be upset. You will be angry at times. I never did forgive her for those 3 years. Even when she was all better. That resentment lead to a lot of bad things and eventually the failure of our marriage. It's easy for me to say I wish she never got depressed, but I also should have let go of the resentment once she was better. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskns21 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Yeah, I'm certainly worried about her more than I am myself at this point. I doubt that's totally healthy but if I could just get her to engage in a conversation with me (it's a lot like dealing with a teenager right now) it would go a long way to healing my f'd up head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DCSaints_fan Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Maybe you guys need a vacation or something. Kids can really get on the nerves. You need time for yourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMK9973 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Maybe you guys need a vacation or something. Kids can really get on the nerves. You need time for yourselves. Thats putting a bandage on a gun shot wound. It might stop the bleeding, but your still dying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siven Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 What I think you should do, is make it absolutely clear to your wife, that no matter what, you'll always be there for her and that this is something that she doesn't have to be alone for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DCSaints_fan Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Well I've went through boughts of depression myself, although it was never diagnosed. A change in my lifestyle seemed to pick me up a bit. Her situation is a bit different. If she really wants a separation, I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CandaceM23 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 There it is! """""34"""" The magic numbers! Don't be stupid. For the love of GOD! :mad: You need advice alright. A lawyer, NOW! and I mean NOW!:cuss: If it walks like a duck. Seriously, just because you were in a ****ed up situation doesn't mean that everyone else is too. You need to stop .... You have a hatred for women and a serious issue with the way that your wife treated you and handled your marriage. For you to come out and recommend that this guy talk to a lawyer is just ridiculous. I think that YOU need to seek counseling for your issues and your hatred for anything that has a vagina. His wife is depressed. It doesn't mean that because she's 34 years old that she's going to go off and start effing anything with a pole, it doesn't mean that she doesn't have hope for their marriage, it doesn't mean that she's going to abandon her kids and leave them hanging. Just because it happened to you does not mean that it's going to happen to everyone else. I've been reluctant to say this, but there are always two sides to every story. We've only heard yours and you've painted your ex-wife out to be the most horrible person in the world ... who knows what you may have done to contribute to the downfall of your marriage. Now back to the OP .... Depression is a rough thing to deal with. I dealt with it as a direct effect from a car accident that I was in. I completely shut myself off from the outside world, from those that loved me and were trying to help me. I had to go to two or three different counselors before I found one that I liked ... and then I had to go to a psychiatrist to get anti depressants. I saw a counselor two or three times a week when I first started dealing with the accident. I saw the psychiatrist once a week so that he could monitor the medicine to see if it was effectively working. Counselors are a huge help .... Please recommend that your wife see a counselor as well as a psychiatrist to monitor her medicine. The counselor was the most effective part of treatment for me because I could go in to her office for an hour every few days to talk to her and have her listen - she was my secret keeper, listened to everything that I had to say and didn't judge. She questioned my feelings and asked appropriate questions and helped me see that things weren't so bad and that I was actually pretty lucky. Medicine is a big help too. There are so many different kinds of antidepressants out there and she needs to see a real psychiatrist who is trained to deal with this kind of medicine. I've seen so many doctors just give out zoloft and tell folks to take one pill every day and there's no real monitoring or switching dosage .... Try to keep your head up and keep your daughters heads up too. Do whatever you can to make them happy - but don't go off and buy them a DS or something along those lines anytime they start asking for it. Give them unconditional love and let them know that mommy loves them but that she's a little sick right now. Good luck ... and if you have any questions regarding depression, medicine, counseling please PM me and feel free to ask. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldysknzfn1 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of handling things. How old are your children if I may ask? I ask b/c I think at some point they deserve an age appropriate explanation as to why their mom seemingly doesn't care about them right now. Something like..."look kids..your mom is going thru an illness and I'm trying to help her find someone who came help her overcome it and it's hard, so right now Mommy may not be able to be the mommy she was a few months ago. That's why I'm working so hard to get her help and I need you guys to cooperate so we can get mommy feeling better" or something like that..not saying what you've done is wrong up to this point...but I'm a firm believer in including the kids in the family wellness..as age warrants of course. Good luck to you and your family..depression is a treatable illness. Continue to look for a therapist she's comfortable with and go with her as often as you can and continue to do what you've been doing. Seems that you've done way more than some folks would have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whiskeypeet Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I've been reluctant to say this, but there are always two sides to every story. We've only heard yours and you've painted your ex-wife out to be the most horrible person in the world ... who knows what you may have done to contribute to the downfall of your marriage. Not cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSW Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Don't take this the wrong way but have you ever considered that she may be involved with someone else? Honestly, all the signs are there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CandaceM23 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Not cool. I don't see how it's not cool. There's ALWAYS two sides to every story. ALWAYS. Capt comes on here on a fairly regular basis and bashes his wife and lets his hatred for vagina possessing beings be known. It's getting rather old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.