Top Ten Communist Jokes

[Winslowalrob]

Meh, I don't consider them Communist per se, but I still thought they were hilarious.

http://timesonline.typepad.com/comment/2008/06/top-ten-communi.html

Top Ten Communist Jokes

Communist_jokes_2

Congratulations Comment Central readers. The results of our Communist joke competition are in and you did us proud.

A copy of Hammer and Tickle will shortly be winging its way to Tom Freeman for the following offering:

1) Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

And here are the nine runners-up:

2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.

There is a menacing banging on the door.

‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.

‘Death ‘comes the reply.

‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’

Dan Sweeney

3)Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor. All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.

Neil

4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

Lee Jakeman

5) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"

(first heard by me in the Brezhnev era)

Geraint Jennings

6) Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.

After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.

A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."

Robert B

7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.

"Three years!" he asks "What month?"

"August"

"August? What day in August?" He asks

"The Second of August" is the reply

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

Mark

8) Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers?

Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live!

Will

9) Moscow in the 1970s. Deepest winter. A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.

Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event: wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.

At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, "Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee: it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home."

The Jews obediently leave the queue. The rest continue to wait.

At 7 am, the butcher comes out again: "Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee. It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."

The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while: "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

Andrew Vornic/Julian Cox

10) A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.

The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."

KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."

"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies.

"But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB.

And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know."

Larry Rasczak

[Larry]

Heard somebody once being interviewed who'd just written a book, Political Jokes of Leningrad. The ones I remember were:

How does a smart Russian Jew talk to a dumb Russian Jew?

Long distance from New York.

What's the difference between the American Constitution and the Russian Constitution?

• The Russian Constitution guarantees freedom of assembly and freedom of speech.
  
• The American Constitution guarantees freedom after the assembly and after the speech.
  

[Spaceman Spiff]

I'm just waiting for Sarge to bust in here with the Obama jokes

[Larry]

I'm just waiting for Sarge to bust in here with the Obama jokes

Haven't seen him for a while. I assume he's on vacation.

[HogNose]

I'm just waiting for Sarge to bust in here with the Obama jokes

"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people."

[chaddukes]

These jokes work best if you read them aloud with "heavy russkie accent."

"Pay that man his money!"

[Ghost of]

One day a farmer looks over at his neighbor's small field and sees three cows. He is furious over the injustice over the fact he has none and his neighbor, who he thinks little of has three. One day an angel passes by and hears the man complaining bitterly of the injustice. After listening to the man for awhile he decides to grant him a wish.

The farmer says, "Take away his cows!"

[Winslowalrob]

One day a farmer looks over at his neighbor's small field and sees three cows. He is furious over the injustice over the fact he has none and his neighbor, who he thinks little of has three. One day an angel passes by and hears the man complaining bitterly of the injustice. After listening to the man for awhile he decides to grant him a wish.

The farmer says, "Take away his cows!"

And I lived happily ever after

[zoony]

7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.

"Three years!" he asks "What month?"

"August"

"August? What day in August?" He asks

"The Second of August" is the reply

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

Mark

my fav :laugh:

[MikeInJc aka M.I.A.]

I'm just waiting for Sarge to bust in here with the Obama jokes

I was just shocked to see that Sarge didn't START this thread

[CurseReversed]

4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

Lee Jakeman

This is the best one :laugh::laugh:

[Springfield]

Am I the only guy who doesn't find any of these jokes funny?

[RedlightG20]

In soviet Russia, car drives you!!

[JMS]

I was in Russia a few years back... and heard these there.....

(1) "In Russia we say, a pessimist is just a well informed optimist.

(2) And on your left is the former KGB building.. ( four story non descript building.) We say this is the tallest building in all of Russia... from the basement you can see Siberia in 5 minutes.

(3) I have a recording of Harry Truman... He had a good communist joke...

At the McCarthy un American activity committe hearings they are interviewing a State Department official.

Committe Member: Mr. Smith do you work at the state department.

Mr. Smith: Yes sir I do, and I'd just like to say, I'm a communist.

Committe Member: You're a communist?

Mr. Smith: Yes sir. I've read what Senator McCarthy has said about only two types of people work in the State Department and I preffer to be a communist..

(McCarthy said only gay people and communists worked at the state departement.. ).

Harry probable told it better..

[Winslowalrob]

I was in Russia a few years back... and heard these there.....

(1) "In Russia we say, a pessimist is just a well informed optimist.

(2) And on your left is the former KGB building.. ( four story non descript building.) We say this is the tallest building in all of Russia... from the basement you can see Siberia in 5 minutes.

(3) I have a recording of Harry Truman... He had a good communist joke...

At the McCarthy un American activity committe hearings they are interviewing a State Department official.

Committe Member: Mr. Smith do you work at the state department.

Mr. Smith: Yes sir I do, and I'd just like to say, I'm a communist.

Committe Member: You're a communist?

Mr. Smith: Yes sir. I've read what Senator McCarthy has said about only two types of people work in the State Department and I preffer to be a communist..

(McCarthy said only gay people and communists worked at the state departement.. ).

Harry probable told it better..

Tailgunner Joe knew his stuff didn't he ? What if you were a gay communist though?

[Corcaigh]

I like the car/plumber gag. Unfortunately it has an element of truth.

Visiting Leningrad as a student in the summer of 1984 the situation for the regular citizen was bleak.

But the elite were doing very nicely for themselves.

I'll offer these two jokes:

(1) A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. 'Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.'

'And what is a queue?' the capitalist asked.

'And what is a sausage?' the communist asked.

(2) What will the harvest be like this year?

Average: worse, than last year, but better than next year.

[Winslowalrob]

I like the car/plumber gag. Unfortunately it has an element of truth.

Visiting Leningrad as a student in the summer of 1984 the situation for the regular citizen was bleak.

But the elite were doing very nicely for themselves.

I'll offer these two jokes:

(1) A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. 'Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.'

'And what is a queue?' the capitalist asked.

'And what is a sausage?' the communist asked.

(2) What will the harvest be like this year?

Average: worse, than last year, but better than next year.

Ooh, that first joke was nice. I got one for WWI (taking it back to the OL skool):

It is 1922 Germany and a man with one arm is begging on the streets. Two retired generals walk up to this man, and lo and behold it is a veteran from the great war. Moved to pity, the generals drop a few coins in the veteran's cup, only to hear him start to cry as a cyclist rides by. They ask 'Why are you crying sir?'

'We lost the Great War because of the bicyclists and the Jews!' answered the vet

'Why the bicyclists?' asked the first general

'Why the Jews?' asked the second