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serious question


MissU28

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okay so.... I have this friend that I've known since high school. I hang out with him all the time and I'd consider him one of my best friends. I've always thought he was gay...just the way he talks, he's never with girls (though he has a lot of female friends), and he constantly talks bad about gay people. Even though I've known this in my head, I've been acting like I have no idea and never bring the topic up. I mean, I could never PROVE it.

Well, another friend of mine from high school that I also went to college with turns out to be bi...I'm not really tight with him (we're friends but haven't hung out since college) but one of my good female friends is...and she went out to dinner with him the other night and he told her he had seen MY friend at a gay bar with another guy but that my friend hadn't seen him (she's friends with my friend too).... So I'm over here like wooow....something to finally prove it.

Now...do I bring this up to my friend? I'm not going to love him any less and it may take some getting used to, but there really is no issue with it. I think he hides it because he's from a traditional chinese family and it would definitely be frowned upon. Do I just let him continue pretending he's straight and not say anything when he bashes gay people? I don't want to call him out and I'd like him to tell me when he's ready (if at all) but I also want him to be honest with me and to know that I wouldn't care.

How do I approach this?

I know this thread can go in a variety of ways, but I hope it will be taken seriously, bc I don't know how to go about it.

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Yea, I would wait until he is ready to tell you. He is probably talking bad about gays because he wants to see your reaction. Seeing if you are anti-gay or not. Show him that you are o.k. with homosexuals and just continue to be a good friend and he will tell you when and if he is ever ready. :2cents:

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How do I approach this?

It's a non-factor so stop thinking about it. How much does his sexuality impact you? Do you really care when all is said and done?

So I'm over here like wooow....something to finally prove it.

That's the quote that makes me say stop thinking about it. You don't actually care who they go to bed with, it sounds more like you care about being right about reading them as gay. Assume you are right and enjoy having good friends.

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Yea' date=' I would wait until he is ready to tell you. He is probably talking bad about gays because he wants to see your reaction. Seeing if you are anti-gay or not. Show him that you are o.k. with homosexuals and just continue to be a good friend and he will tell you when and if he is ever ready. :2cents:[/quote']

see, that's where I messed up..... I wouldn't say I'm "for" gay people and I have sometimes chimed in with him when he started saying things... but that's just me acting stupid and joking around... but it probably is one of the reasons... I'm just going to stop saying stuff like that when he brings it up and maybe make a "pro-gay" comment....well, I'm not pro-gay but it's not going to kill me if one of my friends is gay, you know?

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It's a non-factor so stop thinking about it. How much does his sexuality impact you? Do you really care when all is said and done?

That's the quote that makes me say stop thinking about it. You don't actually care who they go to bed with, it sounds more like you care about being right about reading them as gay. Assume you are right and enjoy having good friends.

no, it's not about me being right...it's about him not feeling comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth...if you guys think I should just let it lie, I will... I've never been in this situation before so I didn't know if I should get it out of him or not.

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nah let him tell you himself. If it is such a bother, to the point where you can't hang out with him comfortably because he doesn't see you as a good enough friend to share his secret, then move on and continue to hang with your other friends.

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nah let him tell you himself. If it is such a bother, to the point where you can't hang out with him comfortably because he doesn't see you as a good enough friend to share his secret, then move on and continue to hang with your other friends.

it won't bother me, since I suspected it anyway. I still luv the guy...nothing as small as this would change that

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see, that's where I messed up..... I wouldn't say I'm "for" gay people and I have sometimes chimed in with him when he started saying things... but that's just me acting stupid and joking around... but it probably is one of the reasons... I'm just going to stop saying stuff like that when he brings it up and maybe make a "pro-gay" comment....well, I'm not pro-gay but it's not going to kill me if one of my friends is gay, you know?

Your comment doesn't have to be "pro-gay," but I'd say something. Something along the lines of "I'm uncomfortable when you say disrespectful things like that" or "I don't understand what makes them so bad," or something. (Ok, those are a little stiff and goofy, but I think you know what I mean.)

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okay so.... I have this friend that I've known since high school. I hang out with him all the time and I'd consider him one of my best friends. I've always thought he was gay...just the way he talks, he's never with girls (though he has a lot of female friends), and he constantly talks bad about gay people. Even though I've known this in my head, I've been acting like I have no idea and never bring the topic up. I mean, I could never PROVE it.

Well, another friend of mine from high school that I also went to college with turns out to be bi...I'm not really tight with him (we're friends but haven't hung out since college) but one of my good female friends is...and she went out to dinner with him the other night and he told her he had seen MY friend at a gay bar with another guy but that my friend hadn't seen him (she's friends with my friend too).... So I'm over here like wooow....something to finally prove it.

Now...do I bring this up to my friend? I'm not going to love him any less and it may take some getting used to, but there really is no issue with it. I think he hides it because he's from a traditional chinese family and it would definitely be frowned upon. Do I just let him continue pretending he's straight and not say anything when he bashes gay people? I don't want to call him out and I'd like him to tell me when he's ready (if at all) but I also want him to be honest with me and to know that I wouldn't care.

How do I approach this?

I know this thread can go in a variety of ways, but I hope it will be taken seriously, bc I don't know how to go about it.

Let him be himself. and dont worry if he ever tells you. Maybe he does not want to hurt your friendship or he thinks it will damage it.

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Hey MissU28 from what I am reading I have the same viewpoints on this issue as you. I used to be friends with a guy in high school and college who everyone thought was gay but I wasnt so sure because of the way he acted and things he said when we were hanging out. As it turns out he was gay and didnt tell me for years for fear of jeopardizing our friendship. When he finally came clean and I told him that I wasnt into that but if that was his deal then I was cool with it and still his friend then we actually became better friends and remain so. Point being we are both guys so this was harder or more akward for him then your friend (I would imagine) So concentrate on what qualities made him your friend to begin with and let him come out as he feels comfortable.

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Hey MissU28 from what I am reading I have the same viewpoints on this issue as you. I used to be friends with a guy in high school and college who everyone thought was gay but I wasnt so sure because of the way he acted and things he said when we were hanging out. As it turns out he was gay and didnt tell me for years for fear of jeopardizing our friendship. When he finally came clean and I told him that I wasnt into that but if that was his deal then I was cool with it and still his friend then we actually became better friends and remain so. Point being we are both guys so this was harder or more akward for him then your friend (I would imagine) So concentrate on what qualities made him your friend to begin with and let him come out as he feels comfortable.

Thanks, I think that's what I'm going to do. :)

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I do not think you should do anything. i have gay friends despite my not approving of it personaly,It does not have to be a issue unless someone tries to make it one. The idea of seemingly changing your attitude is the wrong way to go about it. imo

While I would never go out of my way to offend one of my friends I will not change nor hide my beliefs any more than I expect them to.

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but what if he never tells me? What if he's 45 and still living a lie?

Be his friend. It is his life. My best friend in high school and college was gay. He never "came out" to me......it was just understood.

He will tell you when it is right for him. His time.....not yours. That's what friends are for.....to be there. Just keep being there.

Blondie

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Be his friend. It is his life. My best friend in high school and college was gay. He never "came out" to me......it was just understood.

He will tell you when it is right for him. His time.....not yours. That's what friends are for.....to be there. Just keep being there.

Blondie

thanks for the good advice and your personal story. I'm glad I posted this.

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This probably has been said (no I didn't read all the posts :) ).

A rule that I personaly stick to is: if you know the answer then don't ask the question. So I wouldn't ask him, it would be confrontational.

If it were me, the next time he made a negative remark about gays, I'd ask him not to do so in my presense because it's intollerant and not in keeping with the way I feel about the issue (If that's more or less how you feel).

Obviously if he is gay and he is bashing gays, he is doing so for your benifit / approval, because he thinks that you would disapprove of him being gay. :obvious:

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MissU28,

I might be able to relate to you on this subject.

My best friend from high school told me a few years ago that he is gay. It’s funny because I was always waiting for him to just come out and say it. He was hesitant when he told me and I guess I could understand why. He said that he never told me because he thought it would ruin our friendship and if he would have told me back in high school it probably would have. So I am glad that he waited to tell me. I told him that I will always be his friend, bought him a beer, a shot of tequila and gave a toast to our friendship.

Today we are still friends. We don't keep in contact as much, but that is just a part of growing up. I am married now and he is doing his thing.

So remember if your friend does decide to tell you, buy them a beer and a shot of tequila. :cheers:

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