How Do You Know When LOVE Is Lost?

This is not from my own personal experience but with the divorce rates rising and sites like Ashley Madison claiming to fame... How do you know? Is it easy to tell?

The main reason I ask this is because one of my best buddies bought a new bed... went from a CA king down to a queen, and he is married. He said he and his wife were in agreement the bed was just too big for the space.

He then began to tell me that they rarely spend time in the bed anyways and they both do not like to touch while sleeping.

I'm a single guy, never married, but I strongly remember holding my GF tight while sleeping and always having some portion of our bodies touch, no matter the size of the bed. (I have a CA king as well)

Is it a telling sign when you do not touch in the bed or turn your backs to one another instead of snuggling/cuddling/spooning?

What about not displaying PDA's... are you ashamed?

So I ask this question... How do you know when the love is lost?

Studies are actually showing that people sleeping separately helps marriages.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_400/441_the-argument-for-separate-beds.html

For me Love is officially lost when I receive the restraining order paperwork.

Studies are actually showing that people sleeping separately helps marriages.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_400/441_the-argument-for-separate-beds.html

But how long can that last? My parents moved in to separate beds on their brink of divorce... Correct me if I am wrong ladies but from what I have seen, woman need that companionship and sense of security in the bedroom. In separate beds, it's like dating again. The only reason they interract is for sex. I wouldn't trust Ask Men magazine on this subject for the entire truth...

This pretty much explains it.

But how long can that last? My parents moved in to separate beds on their brink of divorce... Correct me if I am wrong ladies but from what I have seen, woman need that companionship and sense of security in the bedroom. In separate beds, it's like dating again. The only reason they interract is for sex. I wouldn't trust Ask Men magazine on this subject for the entire truth...

It depends on why they sleep in separate rooms, if he moved out because they couldn't stand one another that's one thing. Keep in mind sleeping in the same bed is a fairly recent phenomenon, and was considered a scandal when Mr. And Mrs. Brady shared at bed on tv.

It depends on why they sleep in separate rooms, if he moved out because they couldn't stand one another that's one thing. Keep in mind sleeping in the same bed is a fairly recent phenomenon, and was considered a scandal when Mr. And Mrs. Brady shared at bed on tv.

I can understand that, and I actually did not know that... but take it outside of the bedroom then... Do PDA's mean anything. Is it for attention and is there a reason people are against it?

PDA's depend on the person. I personally hate PDA's bc I don't like the attention. But just because I don't want my man trying to make out with me in public, doesn't mean I don't love him

I can understand that, and I actually did not know that... but take it outside of the bedroom then... Do PDA's mean anything. Is it for attention and is there a reason people are against it?

Again, it is based on each couple, and their relational/cultural expectations.

---------- Post added December-28th-2012 at 03:47 PM ----------

PDA's depend on the person. I personally hate PDA's bc I don't like the attention. But just because I don't want my man trying to make out with me in public, doesn't mean I don't love him

Ooohhhh.....wow.....didn't know you were a woman......

I guess YMMV. My wife and I have had seperate sheets for most of our relationship and we like having a little space. (Actually, I'm the one who searches for space sometimes, since she goes to bed before me and ends up taking up a lot of space at times.) I don't know if it is really a meaningful measure of anything.

I guess YMMV. My wife and I have had seperate sheets for most of our relationship and we like having a little space. (Actually, I'm the one who searches for space sometimes, since she goes to bed before me and ends up taking up a lot of space at times.) I don't know if it is really a meaningful measure of anything.

My wife and I have separate comforters, at first I didn't like the idea but we totally sleep better so for the past 16 years we've had separate covers. We also have a king size bed and sleep much better since we don't disturb each other.

PDA's depend on the person. I personally hate PDA's bc I don't like the attention. But just because I don't want my man trying to make out with me in public, doesn't mean I don't love him

Not to get in to your personal business too much, but does it correlate to back home? Is there romance in the home other than the bedroom?

At some point you just come to the realization you were a dumbass who made a really bad decision to marry the person you did. You just "know." Hope that helps

As for the sleeping in the same bed, I think it depends on each individual relationship. I mean, if I had a husband who had to sleep with a CPAP machine, or snored really loudly, or moved around a lot, I would probably opt to sleep separately just b/c I'm a complete a-hole when I don't get sleep

I wouldn't trust Ask Men magazine on this subject for the entire truth...

Trust me, that's the first time I've read their article on the issue, but lately it has been fairly well documented.

My wife and I have separate comforters, at first I didn't like the idea but we totally sleep better so for the past 16 years we've had separate covers. We also have a king size bed and sleep much better since we don't disturb each other.

But that is still the same bed... I can understand the different comforters... Some people even have the Sleep Number bed, which sucks btw, but because of the comfort levels...

But did you used to cuddle a lot and now it's non existent?

Some blame it on "oh thats what happens once you're married over time" but to me that's an excuse... IMO

For me Love is officially lost when I receive the restraining order paperwork.

That wouldn't stop a man like you now would it?

"I will either find a way, or make one"

~Hannibal~

Edit: To answer the question, it is different for each relationship. Sometimes, you can tell in their kiss or the way they look at you. You can tell when someone has checked out emotionally on you too.

Sleeping in separate beds or not displaying PDA are merely superficial displays and I do not think mean anything deeper about either inidividual regarding love being lost. There are a lot of different reasons for people choosing to do each even if they are still deeply in love.

At some point you just come to the realization you were a dumbass who made a really bad decision to marry the person you did. You just "know." Hope that helps

As for the sleeping in the same bed, I think it depends on each individual relationship. I mean, if I had a husband who had to sleep with a CPAP machine, or snored really loudly, or moved around a lot, I would probably opt to sleep separately just b/c I'm a complete a-hole when I don't get sleep

But for you, speaking as a female... would if upset you to be away from someone who couldn't sleep in the same bed as you? Do you think overtime it would affect the relationship?

But that is still the same bed... I can understand the different comforters... Some people even have the Sleep Number bed, which sucks btw, but because of the comfort levels...

But did you used to cuddle a lot and now it's non existent?

Some blame it on "oh thats what happens once you're married over time" but to me that's an excuse... IMO

I never cared much for cuddling, because when I go to bed to sleep I'm usually out cold in a couple minutes. BTW, the "married over time" excuse as you call it isn't an excuse in my experience.

But for you, speaking as a female... would if upset you to be away from someone who couldn't sleep in the same bed as you? Do you think overtime it would affect the relationship?

It depends on the person. If that couple can still get their intimacy in other forms then it doesn't matter. If one of them needs to cuddle or be close during sleep and then doesn't receive it, at that point it doesn't mean love is lost. The other partner could just be stubborn but that could lead to love being lost if the one longing for that intimacy isn't having their emotional and physical needs met.

I guess it could be a sign of trouble but you would have to look much further into it to fully determine.

I never cared much for cuddling, because when I go to bed to sleep I'm usually out cold in a couple minutes. BTW, the "married over time" excuse as you call it isn't an excuse in my experience.

Don't mean to call it an excuse, just can't find a better word for it. I certainly know it's "different strokes, for different folks."

I'm a firm believer in social media/internet age killing marriages. People continuously search for "something better" or seeing what else they may be missing out on.

I've heard way too many times of work affairs because "you are at work more than you are at home."

Hell, i've seen people lose attraction after having kids, for some ridiculous reason.

Don't mean to call it an excuse, just can't find a better word for it. I certainly know it's "different strokes, for different folks."

I'm a firm believer in social media/internet age killing marriages. People continuously search for "something better" or seeing what else they may be missing out on.

I've heard way too many times of work affairs because "you are at work more than you are at home."

Hell, i've seen people lose attraction after having kids, for some ridiculous reason.

Losing attraction after having kids sounds odd but losing your marriage after having kids is completely legitimate.

Personally, I could see losing attraction after having kids for those poor saps that are forced to watch the whole thing but thats just me.

Losing attraction after having kids sounds odd but losing your marriage after having kids is completely legitimate.

Personally, I could see losing attraction after having kids for those poor saps that are forced to watch the whole thing but thats just me.

Yea, the whole watching thing sounds horrific...

Explain to me how it is completely legitimate after having kids, if they were planned children, and not accidents. I'm not being a smart alec, I'm honestly wondering...

When she no longer laughs about Dutch ovens

But for you, speaking as a female... would if upset you to be away from someone who couldn't sleep in the same bed as you? Do you think overtime it would affect the relationship?

I'm not the best one to ask, I don't think I've ever had a "normal" relationship.

I was pretty much in a different state or country from my husband over at least 50% of our marriage...and I didn't think that was detrimental to us, but then again, I am divorced, so it likely was. Looking back, I think what was more telling (besides my enthusiasm to move to Africa without him for several months - within the first 3 months of our marriage), was the fact that I chose to fall asleep on the couch every night while he went upstairs to bed whenever both of us did find ourselves home together...

I'm not much of a PDA or cuddly person either, and I'm definitely not a cuddly person in bed. I like my space and my bed full of cold sheets, not warmed by body heat, so I can roll around and always find a cold space to help me fall back asleep. Wowzers, I sound really weird. All I know is I like my bedroom and bed to be very cold (e.g. I have the window semi-open throughout the winter) and I don't particularly enjoy rolling over other people during my sleep (as I've been informed they don't either, lol). Maybe it's some kind of psychological defensive barrier I put up to protect myself, who knows...a therapist could probably enlighten me much more to the origins of my oddness

Back to your question, no, I don't think it would negatively impact my relationship...depending on how the situation was handled and the security we feel with each other in the relationship. I mean, I'm well aware of the fact that since the age of 4 or 5, I'm generally a major pain in the ass to share a bed with: I alligator roll during my sleep, steal all the sheets and comforters (even when we have our own), and have been known to kick people off the bed in my sleep. So no, I wouldn't take offense to my future husband having to mitigate those circumstances by taking proactive measures, including potentially not always sharing a bed with me. I would think, however, that if we had a secure relationship with great communication, we could deal with that issue. For example: I know my brother and his wife never go to bed at the same time, but how they deal with it is that he just gets in bed with her until she falls asleep, then comes back out and watches TV or works on his project or whatever until it's time for him to go to bed. Maybe my husband and I could work out a situation like that or something to that effect, although I typically stay up later than most people...so there's the other monkey wrench I am inclined to throw into the mix just to make things difficult, lol.

---------- Post added December-28th-2012 at 02:41 PM ----------

It depends on the person. If that couple can still get their intimacy in other forms then it doesn't matter. If one of them needs to cuddle or be close during sleep and then doesn't receive it, at that point it doesn't mean love is lost. The other partner could just be stubborn but that could lead to love being lost if the one longing for that intimacy isn't having their emotional and physical needs met.

That's pretty much how I look at it. If physical and intimacy needs are met, and one person isn't hung up on cuddling or whatever during sleep, I don't think it's that detrimental. I think the problem obviously occurs when one person feels their needs are not being met and the other person refuses to even seek a middle ground to make both parties happy. Obviously, for that to occur, a couple needs to have good communication. Hey, have I mentioned yet how important communication is?

Love is never simply "lost". It is only "abandoned". It's a choice, and it's inseperable from service. I've heard it said that love is more than a feeling - it's an action. A father doesn't just "fall out of love" with his children. He constantly serves them and works to help them. The same is true for a husband and wife. If you don't serve your wife, you won't love her.