ljs Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Its something I experienced as a 4- 5 yr old, and then for the rest of my life living with parents who do not get along. My mom hates my dad like no other, and my dad was a real jerk for years, but 7 yrs ago found God and just wants her to leave him alone. For the most part, it didn't affect me like it did my 2 older siblings. I've always known it that way, so to me it was just another part of life. But it does get annoying, I mean after 28 years you'd think they(mostly mom) would just get over it. My older sister has been married for 17 years. 6 kids later, they are divorcing. In short, my bro in law is a controlling jerk-who desires money more than anything else-but I know he loves his kids. Never been physically abusive, but extremely controlling- to the point that since they married when my sister was 19, she has never had access to the checking account. I've heard him say some really awful things to my sister, even in front of the kids. My sister finally got tired of it, and after he wanted a divorce in May- she finally conceded and filed in Aug. My mom-of all people is taking his side, so much so as to write a letter to his attorney, supporting him to get the kids. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. My sister is no angel, but my mom is seriously acting all crazy and mad at my sister. I completely baffled at that one. so, skipping more ridiculous emails, phone conversations and hang ups the last couple days, (I seem to be the one everyone runs to, to cry on my shoulder...) I just wonder, can anyone go through a separation, and at least be amicable about the whole thing? Why do people have to fight and act so damn crazy in these situations? To the point the cops have been to the house. I just don't get it. Why do people do this to their kids? I fear my nieces/nephews will now endure the same stupid crap we went through. Split up holidays, parents always fighting- always tension and anger. Its just not right. omg, I just realized, take away the tv show and they are like John & Kate...damn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bostic Hog Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I've been through this ... and it sucks. People fall in love and then get hurt. Getting hurt and getting your heartbroken makes people angry. For me, divorce is failure. And failure leads to embarassment and insecurity. These are bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Califan007 The Constipated Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I'm divorced and we have a VERY amicable situation...but it took a lot of work in the beginning stages of our separation, and a LOT (a helluva lot) of unselfish behavior on both our parts, along with many, MANY lengthy talks leading up to the divorce. And we both loved our daughter beyond words and refused to make her suffer anymore than absolutely necessary. It also helped in our situation that we were really good friends through our entire dating relationship and marriage...unfortunately for us, we were little more than really good friends who happened to get married and have a kid together. But my ex-wife has been extraordinary in being willing to see me and our time together in its best light, and I've bent over backwards to make sure she didn't feel "discarded" or as if she and our marriage held no value in my mind and heart. Our families also helped out a great deal in that regard, still treating each of us as valued and loved members of each individual family. I can visit my daughter and my ex-wfe and her family is truly accepting and caring towards me, and my family adores my ex-wife (and I'm so very thankful that they still do). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostofSparta Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 My parents got divorced while I was in college, and I'm the oldest (by 7 years) of 3 kids. From everything I've seen divorce is a long, expensive, and emotionally devastating event. And for somebody to want to go thru that, especially with kids involved, there has to be a big reason. And those reasons don't just dissapear when the divorce papers are signed. And those reasons usually take a long time to heal, if they ever do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destino Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 It certainly is possible but the nature of a "divorce" tends to suggest there are some strong negative feelings involved. I think the concept of "no fault" needs to be abolished completely though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 It certainly is possible but the nature of a "divorce" tends to suggest there are some strong negative feelings involved. I think the concept of "no fault" needs to be abolished completely though. Yep, mine divorced when I was 4-5,and while they were sorta amicable for us kids sake,there were some rather strong negative feelings up until they died. Hope my kids never go through it. ljs, perhaps your mom is projecting from her divorce and favors him as the provider role model? Different expectations from different generations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thiebear Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 You can only be amicable if you take your own feelings out of it and do things for the children. Thats why we went custody every other two days and every other weekend. And its not easy, and you slip a LOT. But it works out for all in the end. I can call her anytime if i have to work late and she drops them on me without more than a mornings notice. The people at the divorce meeting you have to go to in Virginia thought we worked for the state as we showed up together and were crackin jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 If I'da known then I would have went into the first marriage like a marriage training course. You shouldn't have kids or buy a home in your first marriage. That marriage should be for getting weird and cheating and all that stuff. Then when you got all that out of the way and the divorce comes you don't have too much to split and fight over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No_Pressure Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 In my opinion a divorce is too personal and unique to the people involved for anybody to comment on, even from a description of the events. It's impossible to know what two people go through in a relationship and what problems are causes and effects of other issues. It's a very tangled web. With that said, you would think two mature people can say hey you know what I don't want to be with you but we have kids so lets try to be nice to each other so they don't take it so hard. I'm not the type to hold a grudge for years, but then again I've never been in that situation before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zguy28 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Every one is different in some aspect. Sometimes the people were "in love" when they got married, but one or both really didn't love each other. Many people believe puppy love or infatuation is true love, when in reality it is selfish, not selfless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ljs Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 ljs, perhaps your mom is projecting from her divorce and favors him as the provider role model? Different expectations from different generations my dad and my step dad were cheaters- my mom has never forgiven them for that. She thinks my sister did the same, and I can say that she did not. I think you are right though about the projecting, whether my sister had an affair or not, my mom is great at turning situations into her being the victim. Then to add that my bro in law has been a wonderful monetary provider, they have a big house, 5 acres, horses, private school etc. My sister is a nurse, so not like she hasn't worked too, but he obviously made more money. So yes, in a way it was the "man provides, mom cares for kids" scenario. I had a great talk with my sister last night, trying to figure out why it took so many years if she was so unhappy. Without going into a crazy long story, being a victim of control isn't far off from what I saw with victims of domestic violence. Its still emotional abuse to the point the "victim" feels they have no choice but to stay. I told her though, no matter how upset you are-the kids have to not see what we went through. I even suggested divorce counseling. You can't take back all the years of hurt, but maybe they can figure out how to end this and not totally **** up the kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgundy Burner Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I stay out of the problems other families are having. Wish ya'll the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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