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and thats how the fight started....joke thread


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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife walked into the den & asked "What’s on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a


The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She

said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

'I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would

make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order


'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.........

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A guy walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm and says "This is the fat ugly pig I've been ****ing." His wife, looks up and chuckles and says "honey that's not a pig." The man says "I wasn't talking to you."

And that's how the fight started......

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Remembering a scene from a Joseph Wambaugh book.

Bookmore Phipps, the biggest, baddest, toughest cop in the station, comes into the squadroom, with a black eye. A split lip. Bloody nose.

Leading Larry the Wino.

Now, Larry the Wino is about 60 years old. 5 foot 6. About 100 pounds.

And, everybody in the station knows Larry the Wino. He's a homeless guy who actually prefers living in prison. He gets thrown in jail for 30 days. Gets out, and immediately does something to get sent back in again. (Typically, he'll sit on the sidewalk and accost women until somebody complains.) He wants to be sent to jail.

Every person in the station has arrested Larry the Wino. Multiple times. They show up. Say "Hi." Tell him to get in the car. Larry gets up. And every time, as he gets into the back of the car, Larry will pause, look at the cop, and say "You know, officer, I could beat you in a fair fight."

And every officer, over the years, had responded with some variation of "Could be. But if you try it, it isn't gonna be a fair fight, because me, and my partner, and about half of the night shift, are gonna come down on your head with our night sticks. But you could probably beat me in a fair fight."

And, honor having been satisfied, Larry would then get in the back of the car for his ride to jail.

Until the time when he was arrested by Buckmore Phipps. The biggest, toughest, baddest cop in the station. Who, when Larry the Wino uttered his classic line, drew himself up to his full 6 foot 8, planted his feet on the pavement, leaned way back. put his hands on his hips, and said "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

And Larry the Wino, 60 years old, lifetime homeless, 5 foot 6, 97 pounds, and former Golden Gloves champion . . .

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A husband complained to his wife about their lack of sex. The wife replied "maybe its because you never think of my needs. You're too selfish. Maybe I'll move to Vegas and become a call girl. I hear they can get $250 a session."

The husband replied "so how are you going to live on 500 dollars a year?"

and that's...

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A guy comes home from work, kicks off his dirty boots, sits in his recliner and says to his wife 'Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts'.

He then turns on the TV, settles in and polishes off his beer.

'Honey, can you get me another beer before it starts'.

Second beer finished, and the guy is starting to relax.

'Honey, just one more beer before it starts'.

The wife comes storming in, yelling that she has been home all day, etc, etc, etc.

'Damn', the guy says, 'it's started'.

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