My Stupid Life

[Touchdown Redskins]

Hey guys, I've been having a lot of trouble with life lately, so I just wanted to post my thoughts about it, kind of like a journal entry.

For the past year I've been in my second year in medical school. I've been depressed this whole time because I hate it. I'm not fond of the people, who all seem to be type A personalities, while I'm more laid back. I'm not fond of the studies, as I've always loved mathematics and was forced by my parents to go to medical school. In any case, I finished my second year, but once I started studying for my licensing exam (6 weeks+ of 12 hours a day of studying, no breaks), I decided that this wasn't for me, so I took a one year leave of absence to follow my passion, math.

I subsequently applied to and was accepted by the Univ. of Pennsylvania's Graduate program. This program allows me to take classes that a normal grad student would take, but they don't count toward my MS in math. My plan was to do math this year, come back and finish up med school (2 more years left), and then get my MS in math and combine the two subjects in the form of radiology (imaging studies). In any case, my classes that I'm taking now would count toward my MS if I did decide to go back there after med school.

Now med school officials are giving me a hard time. I live in on-campus housing. It's not cheap, but it's cheaper than off-campus housing. They are saying that since I'm not affiliated with the med school anymore (Jefferson Medical College, btw), I'm not allowed to live in on-campus housing. They are saying this despite the fact that I've lived here for the past 3 years, and that I plan on living here for the next three years, even while I'm taking classes at Penn (Jefferson is down the road from Penn). Why won't they just let me stay? Because I would set a precedent, and then other people not affiliated with Jefferson could apply for housing. I'm so tired of this crap, this place has become home to me, and moving wouldn't be so bad, but it seems ridiculous. If they did kick me out, I'd have to sleep on my friend's couch until December, and then go home for the spring 2008 semester. Not the worst outcome, but being at home with my parents for a whole semester = me shooting myself in the head.

On top of this, I haven't been exercising regularly. I'm a gym rat, and I go everyday. I've been so busy preparing for math school and dealing with med school leave of absence, that I haven't had time to exercise. I've put on at least 7 pounds from all the stress, and all of it fat. Not that it matters, they won't let me into the Jefferson gym anyway because I'm not affiliated with Jefferson. That was the one constant in my life, and now I can't go there. No biggie, I guess I can go running outside, but I can't lift. I guess I'll have to be creative. I'll get through that.

On top of that my school is now saying that I must take my licensing exam before taking my Penn classes. They never had this requirement before, and part of the reason I took a leave in the first place was because I knew I would do poorly if I did take the licensing exam. I haven't been studying medicine at all, and I'd fail it if I were to take it now. I appealed to the board in charge of such decisions, and hopefully they'll allow me to take it next semester as I had planned, and take my math courses this semester, as I had planned. The decision date is September 11.

Then, my XBOX 360 broke. Not the worst thing in the world, but it's my escape. I place an artistic importance on video games in my life. Also, it's my escape. Just like the gym, I use video games to get away from the troubles of life. Oh well, I guess I'll get it fixed.

Finally, the cherry on top. My gf was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and we had to break up. It's more like a break than a break up. We agreed that we would give it a chance if things calmed down for the both of us. I'm not as sad about the breakup as I am about the cancer diagnosis. As a med student, even if I didn't like medicine or not, I still understood the patient's side of all this, and it sucks. I cried today because something like this doesnt' deserve to happen to someone so young, or anyone for that matter. She's still waiting for the biopsy results, so it could still be nothing, but I doubt it.

Anyway, that's what's been going on in my life. I'm sick and tired of it, and I wish I were back in elementary school. But I've also realized something. Most of these problems stem from me taking time off for a passion that I've wanted to follow. So I guess the lesson that I'm learning from all this is that you've got to go through some thorns to get to the rose. Yeah, this whole past couple of months have been really depressing, but the thing is, tomorrow I start classes in the subject that I've always wanted to follow, so that's amazing. I guess when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up.

[herrmag]

Not sure what to tell you about the living situation. What did you expect? It seems perfectly reasonable for them to ask you to leave on-campus housing if you are not currently a student. Good luck and hope things improve for you, albeit, your life doesn't exactly sound like you're struggling too badly. Sorry to hear about the ex though.

P.S. Welcome to the real world.

[Touchdown Redskins]

Not sure what to tell you about the living situation. What did you expect? It seems perfectly reasonable for them to ask you to leave on-campus housing if you are not currently a student. Good luck and hope things improve for you, albeit, your life doesn't exactly sound like you're struggling too badly. Sorry to hear about the ex though.

P.S. Welcome to the real world.

Yeah I wasn't so much complaining as much as I was just trying to get my thoughts out. I guess all of this has made me realize that **** happens and you've got to get through it to get something you really want.

[Raub]

Wow, your life really does suck. :doh:

You really need to take a step back, look around you, and get some perspective on things dude. There are thousands of guys in Iraq right now who would kill to have your problems.

[SkinsD]

Sounds about the right time to make a gratitude list. I'm serious too, it sounded lame to me too, but it taught me that life is just a matter of perspective. You simply cannot be grateful and self-loathing at the same time. The latter seems to be your problem in my opinion.

Give it a try, and good luck.

[Touchdown Redskins]

Wow, thanks for the "support" guys. As you may or may not have gleaned from my post, I was not complaining nor was I comparing my situation to any other situations. I simply wanted to collect my thoughts, especially in light of the cancer diagnosis, and post them. The post was more about the lesson I learned than showing an example of a spiral of self-pity.

As for a poster's intensely rude comment about comparing my situation to those in Iraq, please keep those to yourself. I was not comparing my problems with anybody else's, nor was I suggesting that there are not worse problems in the world. Perhaps you should have paid attention to the tone of my post, but I guess that would be asking too much from someone who makes snap judgments like yourself.

As for the suggestion that I make a gratitude list, thanks for the advice, I'll give it a try.

[DeanCollins]

Hey TR,

looks like you've had a few bumps in the road that were not anticipated with regards to your decision, that you'll have to deal with. As far as fighting to stay in your apt., It's probably taking more or your limited energy (which you have less of now that you're not working out) then to make a move. I guess you're trying to negotiate an extension, perhaps till end of the semester? Who's going to move in now anyway?

The main reason you're depressed is because you're not exercising. Get back to 3 a week aerobic (run forest run!). Then just focus on what you've got to do today (or this week) till your outlook improves. It's all between your ears right now. The reality is that you're having a great life and will have a brilliant future. Sorry to hear about your GF, she's young she'll beat it.

edit: SkinsD is right on about the gratitude list. Here's a math fomula for you. Gratitude = Happines. you can't have one without the other.

[SUNSTONE]

You want to feel worst? Drop out

You're at the sticking point in your school years.

Like a weight lifter that can't get the bar past the sticking point, you need a little help from a friend or two to get that bar past that point.

Get a friend to help keep you on track working out and sticking with your classes.

[Tarhog]

I obviously don't know you, but it sounds to me like you've been letting other people make your decisions for you. I did that early in my adult life. I only got it together and was happy when I rejected that, and did what I felt was best for me.

Time to tell your parents or whomever else is giving you career pressure to worry about their own lives. Embrace what YOU want to do. And do it.

As for some of the other stuff, honestly, the housing thing is minor. Stop agonizing over that - sounds like the university has a pretty good rationale for their position - if you don't win that argument, get up and get out.

Sounds like you're just in a period where there are a lot of demands and uncertainty - I go through those, and when I'm in one, I just tell myself to keep rowing, or as a friend of mine says 'fake it till you make it'. My experience is that challenges are always a lot huger in our heads than they turn out to be in real life.

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend - I'd think that would put your problems in perspective, and I'm sure it has.

[The 12th Commandment]

Hang in there man, just a few bumps. It grows character and all that you know.

I'm sorry to hear about your gf, you should make a point and try to support her in some way, even if you've cut the ties. It's a hard thing she's facing and the support of everyone she knows is going to be very important in her making it through succesfully.

You should consider tarhogs advice on letting other people set your goals. That's a sure fire road to dissapointment for them and you.

Good luck and just ignore the peanuts in the gallery.

[Raub]

As for a poster's intensely rude comment about comparing my situation to those in Iraq, please keep those to yourself.

Intensely rude? No, intensely rude would have been "stop feeling sorry for yourself you big sissy. Life's tough, get a helmet."

As for the suggestion that I make a gratitude list, thanks for the advice, I'll give it a try.

Apparently you missed the point of my post also. I suggested you take a step back and put everything you wrote about into perspective. Take inventory of what you have on your plate. Things are usually better than they seem.

[Touchdown Redskins]

Intensely rude? No, intensely rude would have been "stop feeling sorry for yourself you big sissy. Life's tough, get a helmet."

Apparently you missed the point of my post also. I suggested you take a step back and put everything you wrote about into perspective. Take inventory of what you have on your plate. Things are usually better than they seem.

Actually it is rude to try to compare my situation to others. Everything is relative for one, and two, I understand that there are people in the world with worse problems than me. Obviously you missed the point about my initial post, as I was not feeling sorry for myself but reflecting on how this has caused me to learn a lesson. Also, my comment about making a gratitude list was to the poster below you, so obviously you don't bother to read the rest of the thread. Thanks for the tough love, though, as I realize it does have a place in the realm of advice, and I guess you're trying to be helpful.

[SkinsNut73]

Like others have said...hang in there man. Sorry to hear about the girlfriend - that's obviously the worst problem you mentioned. Hoping for the best for her.

Like Tarhog, I too had to learn to do what makes me happy and not listen to the (maybe well intentioned) advice of others...very big step in my life.

...and hey, OPENING DAY IS THIS FREAKIN' SUNDAY man...that's gotta count for some pick-me-up...

[HOF44]

Time to tell your parents or whomever else is giving you career pressure to worry about their own lives. Embrace what YOU want to do. And do it.

Best piece of advice so far.

[Mark The Homer]

Wow, your life really does suck. :doh:

You really need to take a step back, look around you, and get some perspective on things dude. There are thousands of guys in Iraq right now who would kill to have your problems.

I think he's just burnt out.

Everybody has a breaking point. Maybe you've reached yours. Consider taking a few months off. Or a year. Life is not as short as they say. You've got plenty of time.

P.S. Seven pounds is nothing.

[Leonard Washington]

Wow, your life really does suck. :doh:

You really need to take a step back, look around you, and get some perspective on things dude. There are thousands of guys in Iraq right now who would kill to have your problems.

:doh: i think the people in iraq volunteered for their problems.

he did as well. your comparison makes little sense nor was a there a need for comparison. i would say you're jealous.

I think he's just burnt out.

i think so too. taking some time off and start doing what you want to do. i hope your parents aren't thinking of your as a retirement investment. then you're screwed and due for a huge fallout eventually. especially if you start to assert yourself.

his problems are his own and are important to him. everyone has their own personal fable that their problems are the worst ever and no one has or will go through. there is nothing wrong with that.

as for the housing...sounds like you gotta split if you are not a student. leave of absence means you gotta leave. :laugh:

[ldysknzfn1]

Sorry that things are rough going for you right now. I have a question for you.

Why go back and finish Med School if that's not what you want to do?

This seems to be the one thing that's throwing the wrench into your schedule right now. Most physicians are the type A personality(not that there's anything wrong w/that..lol). If it wasn't for you at the end of 2 years it's not gonna be for you 1 or 2 years later.

Take Tarhog's advice and embrace what YOU want to do. I know that you don't want to throw away those 2 years already invested, but why do something that makes you miserable? You have a chance to follow your passion. DO IT! Don't wait or you'll end up a bitter old man w/no one to blame but yourself. You'll look back 20 years from now and say to yourself.."I should have done what I wanted to do back then".

I'm sorry about your g/f's diagnosis, but stay on the positive side. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think. You haven't gotten the biopsy back yet..so you really don't know for sure. Maybe it will be benign..maybe it will be stage 1, who knows..maybe they made an error in her diagnosis.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will take stock in what you have accomplished thus far. I hope you'll do what your heart tells you to do as far as your education is concerned. Don't do something you have no passion for. A physician's life is no picnic and if you're not in it for the right reasons, you'll surely fail. You may end up doing more harm than good. Live your life for you, not for others who think they know what's best for you. Parents aren't perfect..they love you and they want you to succeed no matter what you choose to do I'm sure.

Good luck and Peace to you!

[pjfootballer]

Wow, your life really does suck. :doh:

You really need to take a step back, look around you, and get some perspective on things dude. There are thousands of guys in Iraq right now who would kill to have your problems.

They signed up. Nobody forced them to put their name on the paper. They didn't ask for this war, but that's what they get paid to do.

[LiveStrongSkins]

TR,

What you are having is a pile on effect. When one thing stresses you, every other little thing gets added on to make things seem impossible. Even though it may be hard, try to just realize that while things may be extremely frustrating, everything is ok in the end. The human mind is only equipped to deal with stress for a maximum of 6 weeks. Your situation runs much longer then that so its pulling you down. Do your best to seperate your school issues with your girlfriends possible diagnosis. The word cancer is the ultimate pile on. Cancer doesnt have the same effect it used to. People are kicking cancer to the curb in record numbers, I have no doubt she will be fine. Look at me I'm fine, that was with a 20% chance. As far as the school problems, there are always hoops you have to jump through. Just keep your cool, relax and firmly believe things will work themselves out. Look h ow far you have already come, you already have done alot of impressive things... you are on the downhill now. Dont let a little resistance start making you feel down. I think its amazing that you are 23 and already in the second year of medical school, with the talent and smarts to take on mathematics as well. We need people like you in the medical field. As far as not feeling good physically, thats a huge part in all of this. In fact, youd be surprised with how much of your stress is because of this. If you cant go to the gym go to any book store and get a mens health workout DVD. Buy two 20 pound weights and I GUARANTEE you that you feel like you were in the gym for 3 hours. It hard core full body for 15 straight minutes. PM me, and ill actually send you the DVD. Things will be okay man.. this is coming from someone whos been to hell and back.