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Clean joke help....


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Tomorrow night, I have to give the introduction speech at a big school system banquet and I need help. All the jokes I know are usually dirty.

Does anyone have any genuinely funny jokes that are clean enough to throw out before a professional crowd?


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"I thought I might start off with a joke tonight, but the only 3 jokes I know were just too sexist to share at a school banquet, so I asked the school board president if he knew any jokes I could tell... and now I know 4 jokes that are just too sexist to repeat....

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Originally posted by riggo-toni

"I thought I might start off with a joke tonight, but the only 3 jokes I know were just too sexist to share at a school banquet, so I asked the school board president if he knew any jokes I could tell... and now I know 4 jokes that are just too sexist to repeat....

LOL... that's pretty good...


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The Pope comes to Washington DC. When leaving the airport, he sidles up to the limo driver, and whispers that it’s been a long, long time since he’s been able to drive a car himslef, and would the driver mind terribly if he took the wheel for a bit? The driver is understandably concerned, of course ... but geez ... it IS the Pope, after all. If you can’t trust him ...

So he reluctantly agrees, gets the Pontiff set up behind the wheel, climbs in the back ... and off they go.

Not long after ...

A Young Cop pulls over a speeding limousine. He strides up to the window, which slowly rolls down, revealing none other than ... The Pope.

The Young Cop is, not surprisingly, taken rather aback.

“What is problem, officer?” asks the Pontiff, piously.

The Young Cop, unable to find words in his mounting excitement, mutters, “Er ... wait a minute, please,” and hustles back to his cruiser.

He gets Dispatch on the horn, asks to talk to his Lieutenant.

“Lt.!” he finally says, “sir, you’re not going to believe who I just pulled over. Go ahead. Guess.”

The Lieutenant is nobody’s fool—he’s been around the block. But he likes the Young Cop, so is willing to play along, at least for a minute. “Um ... a Redskin?”

“Nah. Bigger.”

“A Senator?”

“Please, would I bother you with that? Bigger.”



“Bigger than Madonna?

“I’m serious, sir.”

The Lieutenant, despite himself, is intrigued, but wants to call Young Cop’s bluff. Gotta keep the kid in his place after all.

“The President, junior ... you’ve pulled over POTUS.”

“No, sir. Bigger.”

“Bigger than the Pres—? Officer, enough. Who could be possibly be bigger than the President of the United States?

“Well, to be honest, sir ... I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.”

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Heh heh.

How about starting out by saying: "Forgive me ladies and gentlemen. I'm a rather shy person. I come from a shy family. In fact, if my parents weren't so shy, there'd be a much older man standing in front fo you." :D

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Well, I don't know that this joke is something you'd want to relate to an audience, but it is clean:

A man is driving along a highway out in the country. He comes across a hitchhiker and decides to pick him up.

A little ways down the road a rabbit jumps out in front of the car and he hits it "Thump!" The driver stops and looks in his rearview mirror. The rabbit appears motionless.

The hitchhiker says "Oh my, we should get out and help it."

The driver says, "There's no point, I think he's dead."

The driver begins to pull away and the hitchhiker says "Come on, you gotta stop and let me go help it."

Again, the driver says "There's nothing we can do. He's dead."

The hitchhiker pleads with the driver: "Please, let me go help it. What can it hurt?"

Finally, the driver relents and stops. As the driver watches, the hitchiker gets out and goes over to the rabbit. Then he pulls out a can from his backpack and sprays the rabbit. The rabbit then miraculously starts to move. Amazingly, the rabbit then gets up and waves to the driver. The hitchhiker walks back to the car as the rabbit hops a couple of times, stops and waves again. As the hitchiker gets back in the car, the rabbit hops off the side of the road stops and waves again.

The driver looks at the hitchhiker and says "That was incredible, what was in that can you sprayed him with?"

The hitchhiker replied "Hair (hare) spray, with permanent wave."

Bad, I know, but its clean.

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This is an old one...

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

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These are just bad, clean but bad.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. (just say it out loud, you'll figure it out)

A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

The bartenders says "Hey, you can't come in here with those!"

The guys says "Don't worry, I won't start anything."


Two more bad ones I just thought of.

A horse walked into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender calmly says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

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Two guys walk into a bar after work. Problem is, one of them is a kangaroo. Kangaroo walks up to the bartender and says:

"I'll take a double shot of whiskey. It's been a long week."

Bartender gives Kangaroo a funny look, gives the kangaroo's friend a funny look, scratches his head, then serves the double shot. Kangaroo picks it up and slams it home. "Give me another," Kangaroo says.

This continues for an hour. Finally the kangaroo picks up a shot, slams it home, and WHAM! passes out on the floor. The kangaroo's friend rolls his eyes and turns around to leave, but the bartender grabs his sleeve.

"Hey buddy, you can't leave that lyin' there!"

Friend says: "That's not a lion, that's a kangaroo." :silly:


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Here's one for you.

A man wins tickets to the Superbowl, he can't wait to get there he's a huge football fan and this is heaven for him!

After months of waiting for the big game, he finally gets there. But, to his disappointment the seats were horrible, he could hardly see the game. So, he scopes out the seats down closer to the action, to his surprise, he sees a great seat on the 50 yard line about 4-5 rows off the field. He sneaks down to the empty seat and ask an older gentleman if there is anyone sitting there.

The old man says, "No go right ahead."

The guy sits down excited and ready for a great game. He looks over at the old man and says "Wow, these are great seats, what jerk would miss out on this?!"

The old man says, "Well actually that is where my wife would've sat. In-fact we've come to the Superbowl every year for the 30 years we've been married."

The young man says, "Oh, well why isn't she here today?"

"She passed away." He replied.

"Oh, well I'm very sorry to hear that." he says, "I could move if you want me to, I don't want to be disrespectful."

To which the old man replies, "Oh no, that's quite alright, it's nice having someone to talk to."

After a little more time passes, the young man grows curious and ask, "I don't mean to get too personal, but why didn't you bring another family member with you, maybe a cousin or nephew for example?"

To that the old man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink and puts a bag on the table.

"What's in the bag" the bartender asks.

The guy pulls out a little piano, followed by a little man in a tuxedo who immediately starts playing.

"Wow. That's amazing." The bartender says. Where did you find him?

The man then pulls out a rusty old lamp. "Rub it." He says to the bartender.

The bartender does and a genie appears "Whatever you wish for is yours" the genie says.

"I wish for a million bucks!" says the bartender. Just then an immense amount of flapping and quacking as ducks fly into the bar from every door and window.

"What's this? I didn't wish for ducks!" says the bartender.

The man looks at him and asks "you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

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Or how about:

Three couples are waiting at the pearly gates.

As the first couple approaches, St. Peter says "You, sir, wasted your life in pursuit of money. You cared for nothing else. You even married a woman named Penny. You cannot get into heaven."

The second couple approaches and St. Peter says to the man "And you cared for nothing but drink. You even married a woman named Sherry. You cannot get into heaven either."

The third man stops, takes his wife by the hand and says "C'mon Fanny. Let's get out of here."

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Henry, that pianist joke is excellent.


A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the bartender and says, "Quack quack. Got any raisins?"

Bartender looks at the duck in confusion and says, "Duck, this is a bar. Look around you. We don't serve raisins."

Duck looks around, turns and walks out the door.

Next day, Duck walks into the bar, approaches the bartender, and says, "Quack quack. Got any raisins?"

Bartender shakes his head with frustration and says, "Duck, listen, I told you yesterday, look around you! This is a bar, we DON'T serve RAISINS!"

Duck looks around, turns and walks out the door.

The NEXT day, Duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the bartender again, and says, "Quack quack. Got any raisins?"

The bartender, extremely frustrated, grabs Duck by the beak, points his finger at its eyes, and yells, "For the LAST TIME! This is a bar, we don't serve any stupid raisins, and if you ask me again, I'm going to NAIL your webbed feet to the floor until you look around enough to learn your lesson!"

Duck looks around, turns and walks out the door.

The next day, Duck walks in the bar, approaches the bartender, and asks, "Quack quack. Got any nails?"

Bartender looks at him in confusion and says, "Uhh... no."

"Quack quack. Got any raisins?"


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From the Libertarian in me:

Not really dirty, but probably not something you could use for your crowd considering... or maybe it's perfect

The Smartest Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, "do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got on his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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