Need Some Marital Advice...

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

Hello, this post has now been removed. Thank you all for your guidance and opinions.

[Larry]

Need Some Marital Advice...

Jessica Alba's taken.

(Sorry. I didn't have anything useful to say.)

[DGreenistheBest]

Sounds like your standards for cleanliness, completeness, and getting things done in a timely manner may not quite be the same. Nothing far apart, but slightly different. Maybe marriage counseling? Sometimes having a mediator present helps you get your message across than you can alone. It seems like you both just need to come to an understanding of what you expect from each other because at least one of you is not totally clear on it. Good luck and I hope whatever you do works out.

[BigMike619]

honestly, it sounds to me like she feels she is your maid in a way.

why dont you try cleaning up or cooking every once in a while and show her that you are an active participant in keeping the house in order and actually appreciate it. I am sure you do appreciate it but it can be easy for a woman who spends all of her day at home in her own head to start thinking that way.

i would encourage her to start doing stuff outside of the home and to get hobbies/interests that are "grown up" and are NOT centered around the home life and raising of the kids.

put yourself in her shoes for a minute. would you like it if you spent ALL day every day at home with 2 children? I know I would feel like a trapped rat and it would be extremely easy for me to get caught up in a rut and become depressed. And if you are telling her that she isnt doing the job she supposedly has that can easily lead to not feeling appreciated and help make you become more depressed.

[McMetal]

You are a brave man. I could not even think of criticizing my wife for how she runs the house when she is home all day with our two kids. That is an impossibly hard job - mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. Sitting in my office 8 hours a day is a freaking picnic compared to what she has to put up with. Tough, tough job.

The only point I would make is are you asking her to take care of things for you or for her? Or for the kids? Was she like this before you got married? Kids are a grind...maybe she just feels stuck in a rut.

[Henry]

I wish I could give you some advice but I'm the one in our marriage that usually needs to be reminded three times to do something.

One thing I can tell you is that when you have kids, the laundry is NEVER done. That's just the way of things.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

honestly, it sounds to me like she feels she is your maid in a way.

why dont you try cleaning up or cooking every once in a while and show her that you are an active participant in keeping the house in order and actually appreciate it. I am sure you do appreciate it but it can be easy for a woman who spends all of her day at home in her own head to start thinking that way.

i would encourage her to start doing stuff outside of the home and to get hobbies/interests that are "grown up" and are NOT centered around the home life and raising of the kids.

put yourself in her shoes for a minute. would you like it if you spent ALL day every day at home with 2 children? I know I would feel like a trapped rat and it would be extremely easy for me to get caught up in a rut and become depressed. And if you are telling her that she isnt doing the job she supposedly has that can easily lead to not feeling appreciated and help make you become more depressed.

I totally understand your point Mike. I actually do clean quite about around the house though, and I take care of the kids for at least the first part of each Saturday while she cleans a church (a small side job she has so she can do some work outside of the house). She also goes out usually once a week or more. She had just gone to an overnight batchelorette party this past weekend. Pretty much everything you wanted me to try in your above post I already do and she does as well. I truely appreciate the advice though.

As for our standards being different, I definetely agree with that. The thing is, I don't care of the house is spotless or not, I'm not a freak like that. My mother is that way and it drives me LOONEY, so I don't want everything all shiney day in and day out, lol. It's that, I may come home a day or two out of the week, and the house is the same way it was when I left. Is it a pigsty? No, but if it's obviouly messy (by most peoples standards), what was stopping her from cleaning it?

Also, you're right, sometimes she does feel like my maid. But there isn't much I can do about that. I've told her so many times it's not that way, I encourage her to go out with her friends and I certainly help around the house when I can and with the kids. I buy her flowers every so often or send her a card...Part of the problem is the way she was raised almost pushes her into assuming I'm making her out to be a maid, but I'm not that kind of guy.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

I wish I could give you some advice but I'm the one in our marriage that usually needs to be reminded three times to do something.

One thing I can tell you is that when you have kids, the laundry is NEVER done. That's just the way of things.

lol, I hear ya on that. But I don't mean a few loads a day left over. I mean like 10 or more loads that need to be done.

[SkinsOrlando]

Dude she plays COD4 online all day while you're gone, she's wicked good at it too.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

You are a brave man. I could not even think of criticizing my wife for how she runs the house when she is home all day with our two kids. That is an impossibly hard job - mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. Sitting in my office 8 hours a day is a freaking picnic compared to what she has to put up with. Tough, tough job.

The only point I would make is are you asking her to take care of things for you or for her? Or for the kids? Was she like this before you got married? Kids are a grind...maybe she just feels stuck in a rut.

I really don't criticize her too often, I don't want to be some hardass boss-like figure. To be honest, she is 1000x better than she used to be. It used to be horrible...literally. Even she admits that. I know she feels like she's in a rut, and she's actually going to be starting school this fall for nursing, which I would love to see her complete to do what she really wants to do. The thing is, we have 2 kids, and while I can at least somewhat understand her feelings of being stuck, it isn't the kids' fault. I want it to be done partly for me, but mostly for them and herself.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

Dude she plays COD4 online all day while you're gone, she's wicked good at it too.

haha, she thinks you're hilarious btw. :laugh:

[Henry]

Wait, I did think of something:

I remember when my wife was pregnant with our first, and she was pretty much out of commission for three straight months, I told her we were hiring a cleaning lady to help her out ... just with the real heavy stuff (vacuuming the house, cleaning the bathrooms ... stuff that can be done once a week.) And my wife was still in charge of day-to-day operations so she wasn't insulted by the idea. But it did free up her time to concentrate on those things more. We've got three kids now and the cleaning lady still comes out once a week.

It might reduce some of your wife's stress and help her focus on the day-to-day. It certainly helped in our case.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

Wait, I did think of something:

I remember when my wife was pregnant with our first, and she was pretty much out of commission for three straight months, I told her we were hiring a cleaning lady to help her out ... just with the real heavy stuff (vacuuming the house, cleaning the bathrooms ... stuff that can be done once a week.) And my wife was still in charge of day-to-day operations so she wasn't insulted by the idea. But it did free up her time to concentrate on those things more. We've got three kids now and the cleaning lady still comes out once a week.

It might reduce some of your wife's stress and help her focus on the day-to-day. It certainly helped in our case.

Thanks for the tip Henry. But we only have a small 2 bedroom apartment, not exactly a lot of cleaning necessary, lol. Either way, we just don't have enough money for something like that right now. But I apprecaite the help.

[SkinsOrlando]

haha, she thinks you're hilarious btw. :laugh:

On a more serious note, do some laundry out of the blue and when she asks why you did it simpy explain "Well, it's simple honey, not only am I the orgasm giver but I can do laundry too". Back to serious, do some laundry, help her with it. Yeah she's home all day but..............................my mom was a stay at home mom and between playing with me, cleaning up after me, taking me to baseball, football etc. There wasn't a hell of alot of time to get the rest of things done.

[Ax]

Depression, and it's pharmaceutical treatments, can be a major de-motivator. It can also feed procrastination.

My thought is to check there first. If it's a health related issue, it's more important than dirty laundry. Since you love her to death, I'm certain you know this. Good luck, friend.

BTW, has it always been this way?

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

On a more serious note, do some laundry out of the blue and when she asks why you did it simpy explain "Well, it's simple honey, not only am I the orgasm giver but I can do laundry too". Back to serious, do some laundry, help her with it. Yeah she's home all day but..............................my mom was a stay at home mom and between playing with me, cleaning up after me, taking me to baseball, football etc. There wasn't a hell of alot of time to get the rest of things done.

I actually do some of that too. I've been working about 60 hours a week lately unfortunately, but I try to do 3 or 4 loads on the weekends at least, and I take care of my own work clothes sometimes.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

One more thing that may be of some help to you guys is that she doesn't really say much about what she's thinking/feeling. If she has a problem with something or is upset at me for some reason, she normally won't say anything. I've tried so hard to get her to open up more, much like before we were actually together (besides being friends since highschool, we've actually known each other since kindergarten). So sometimes it's hard for me to help. I ask her if she's done something or if she's upset, and I either get complete silence or she says "I don't know.".

[BigMike619]

I totally understand your point Mike. I actually do clean quite about around the house though, and I take care of the kids for at least the first part of each Saturday while she cleans a church (a small side job she has so she can do some work outside of the house). She also goes out usually once a week or more. She had just gone to an overnight batchelorette party this past weekend. Pretty much everything you wanted me to try in your above post I already do and she does as well. I truely appreciate the advice though.

As for our standards being different, I definetely agree with that. The thing is, I don't care of the house is spotless or not, I'm not a freak like that. My mother is that way and it drives me LOONEY, so I don't want everything all shiney day in and day out, lol. It's that, I may come home a day or two out of the week, and the house is the same way it was when I left. Is it a pigsty? No, but if it's obviouly messy (by most peoples standards), what was stopping her from cleaning it?

Also, you're right, sometimes she does feel like my maid. But there isn't much I can do about that. I've told her so many times it's not that way, I encourage her to go out with her friends and I certainly help around the house when I can and with the kids. I buy her flowers every so often or send her a card...Part of the problem is the way she was raised almost pushes her into assuming I'm making her out to be a maid, but I'm not that kind of guy.

then you have to consider how she was raised before you speak to her. if you ask her "what's stopping you from cleaning the house?" you are obviously going to help her think back and resort back to how she was treated when she was younger.

i would suggest you just speak to her like a loving husband. all of the reassurances that you are giving to me about how much you love and appreciate your wife give to her. let her know you do love what she does but instead of saying "whats stopping you?" maybe try "what can I do or can we do?". Make her feel like you are taking an active role and really care about solving these issues with her.

it is more about how you come across then what you say to a woman. you can be speaking in sonnet but if you arent supportive she isnt going to be receptive. :2cents:

[SkinsOrlando]

Threaten her with stickin it in the pooper if she won't talk, nothing like butt sex to get a woman talking. "Listen here, if you don't talk to me, it's goin in the pooper, no lube, no warning, so you gotta ask yourself a question, do you feel lucky, do you?"

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

Threaten her with stickin it in the pooper if she won't talk, nothing like butt sex to get a woman talking. "Listen here, if you don't talk to me, it's goin in the pooper, no lube, no warning, so you gotta ask yourself a question, do you feel lucky, do you?"

Only you skins, haha.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

then you have to consider how she was raised before you speak to her. if you ask her "what's stopping you from cleaning the house?" you are obviously going to help her think back and resort back to how she was treated when she was younger.

i would suggest you just speak to her like a loving husband. all of the reassurances that you are giving to me about how much you love and appreciate your wife give to her. let her know you do love what she does but instead of saying "whats stopping you?" maybe try "what can I do or can we do?". Make her feel like you are taking an active role and really care about solving these issues with her.

it is more about how you come across then what you say to a woman. you can be speaking in sonnet but if you arent supportive she isnt going to be receptive. :2cents:

Man, I feel like I'm trying to make myself out to be the perfect husband here which isn't the case, we all have faults...but yea, I've done that plenty as well, lol. I've even written plenty of letters and cards and spoken with her as best I could. I know her entire family history and so I try to not just stear clear of that, but to help her understand that she is better than that, she's not like them. Her family always told her she was a screw-up basically, even though she was always a good kid.

I told her the other day that her family is sceptical of everything she does, and can't wait for her to fail so they can say "I told you so.". I told her that after seeing her this way for so long, I tend to be sceptical as well sometimes. Except I would do anything to see her prove me wrong. I would love nothing more than for her to do that. The thing is, some days she does GREAT and she's really up-beat. Other days she's just flat out not. I've told her we can get her help, no matter what it takes, but it just doesn't seem like she's up for it.

[abdcskins]

Dann, you had a kid when you were 19 and got married at 21? That's crazy.

Sorry, I have no idea what advice to give, but that is crazy to me for some reason. Just be open and communicate fully is all I can really say.

[pjfootballer]

It's really hard when one person is neat and the other is sloppy. I live it every day. I'm not a perfectionist by any means. Dishes in the sink or newspapers on the table or clothes in the floor don't bother me. We don't make our bed either. What gets to me is when something sits for days and days. My wife has a habit of leaving what I like to call "small forest fires" around the house. I'm in the den now and there are her school papers all over the floor. Been there for 2 weeks. She left her fingernail paints and stuff all over the table. Been there for 2 days. It's hard, but I try not to harp on it. It's such trivial stuff and as long as the house isn't filthy, it sounds like it's just clutter. I'm usually the one to initiate a total cleanup of the house.

[EnFoRcEr_uPu]

It's really hard when one person is neat and the other is sloppy. I live it every day. I'm not a perfectionist by any means. Dishes in the sink or newspapers on the table or clothes in the floor don't bother me. We don't make our bed either. What gets to me is when something sits for days and days. My wife has a habit of leaving what I like to call "small forest fires" around the house. I'm in the den now and there are her school papers all over the floor. Been there for 2 weeks. She left her fingernail paints and stuff all over the table. Been there for 2 days. It's hard, but I try not to harp on it. It's such trivial stuff and as long as the house isn't filthy, it sounds like it's just clutter. I'm usually the one to initiate a total cleanup of the house.

Sounds exactly like my situation PJ. The house isn't a disaster by any stretch, it's just that if something does sit for 2 or 3 days (or longer), why couldn't it get done? I try not to harp on it either, but as I'm sure you know, it's very difficult at times.

[pjfootballer]

Or you can make her get you strawberry milk and a mop! :laugh: Just kidding. I actually do the dishes every night because my wife doesn't know how to clean them right. She grew up in her grandparents home in Peru and her grandfather was a judge. He had a maid, a driver and a laundry lady. I think that's why she leaves piles, she expects someone else to pick them up and it's usually me.