Disfunctional Family Fun

[headexplode]

This past Saturday a party was held at my parents' house in celebration of my brother graduating high school and there was an interesting mix of family members, family friends, some seen recently, others not seen in many years. Many strange stories and comments and moments from that day but one of my favorites happened towards the end of the night for me, around ten o'clock, a surrealistic encounter with a cousin whose mind has been ravaged by years of drug use.

I haven't seen this guy in probably ten years and after one minute talking to him you can guess where he's been all this time. He makes nonsensical, barely audible statements and then laughs at the seeming hilarity of it all, teeth chattering likes it's twenty below outside and he's without winter clothes. Don't get me wrong--he's a nice guy, but he's been so entrenched in the junkie lifestyle that he just can't relate normally to others anymore.

So it was at that point in the night where the breezy lilt of alcohol and good food gave way to some depressing and mildly disturbing arguments about Terry Schiavo and other great party topics that I decided to get out before any blood was spilled. I was on the side of the house farthest away from the festivities talking to another cousin and my brother, saying goodbyes and all that. Mid-sentence, I saw a figure appear, seemingly out of thin air, from a row of thick bushes that line the front of the house, and I realized it was my cousin and he was holding a slightly-crushed Coke can, the best friend of any good crackhead, and his eyes were wild and frightened like an animal in a slaughterhouse. He had been hiding in the bushes, for some unknown length of time, undetectable because of the darkness and the dense vegetation, smoking crack from a Coke can at his young cousin's graduation party.

All I could do was just laugh my ass off. It was a moment like out of some deranged sitcom and I was hoping for a commercial but there was none so I just laughed and laughed and rushed to my car before I could realize how sad it was, and before I could understand that this is why I avoid my extended family, like I avoid the commercials for starving children on television, because I just want to ignore them and hope they disappear.

Anyway, I suspect I'm not the only one with with funny/sad stories about my ****ed up family so I was hoping to pool the ES community and hear some great tales about our diseased lineage.

[headexplode]

Does anyone have the sound effect for crickets chirping? I could really use it right now.

[zoony]

I have a completely retarded extended family on both sides. It always makes for interesting times at weddings, graduations, etc.

No crackheads... but at least that's an excuse. My extended family? They don't have one. :doh:

On my Mom's side... my uncle is clinically depressed, and has been his entire life. Never seen any joy from him my entire life. His wife (my aunt), is about as much fun as a bag of ratllesnakes. My cousin (their son) is 37 years old and still lives at home. He works for minimum wage, and has never held a job for longer than 6 months. His favorite past-time is Nascar and playstation. He can't even carry on a conversation with an adult.

On my dad's side... both Aunt's are just crazy. That's the best way to put it. One of them is very successful, and is one of only a handful of doctors in the world that does what she does... but she has absolutely no common sense. Just as an example, she smokes 2 packs a day... and shes a doctor. :doh: When she was younger she married a cocaine addict who invited swingers to the wedding... made for some funny times while his friends got liquored up and propositioned family members to join the fun. (keep in mind that side of the family is very conservative Catholic). My cousin, her son, has never held a job. He's 23... and he's never wanted for anything in his life. He drives an Escalade. You can imagine his personality.

My other aunt couldn't tie her own shoes, and she married a sociopath. He is absolutely crazy, but not in a funny way at all. Too many incidents to list with him... he has recently had a couple strokes, but that has not stopped his smoking and drinking, but has made the abuse worse. :doh: thankfully they never had children.

I could go on, trust me. But i'll end it there for now... my fingers are tired.

My sister and I growing up always promised each other that our children would not have dysfunctional aunts and uncles. So far, we've held to that (well maybe not me )... she and her husband are great people and they have taken a very active role in my son's life.

[Switchgear]

I have six brothers and two sisters (and too much extended family to even keep track of) . One of my brothers isn't quite right (steals, violent, has no judgment and no remorse about anything he's done) but thankfully he lives far enough away that I never have to deal with him.

My oldest sister married a loudmouth that does a good job of bringing down any family gathering we have. They have two kids that are now in their 20's. Their kids have no ambition other than to live in their parents basement and play video games all day. It's pretty pathetic, but I guess it could be worse.

[headexplode]

I have a completely retarded extended family on both sides. It always makes for interesting times at weddings, graduations, etc.

No crackheads... but at least that's an excuse. My extended family? They don't have one. :doh:

On my Mom's side... my uncle is clinically depressed, and has been his entire life. Never seen any joy from him my entire life. His wife (my aunt), is about as much fun as a bag of ratllesnakes. My cousin (their son) is 37 years old and still lives at home. He works for minimum wage, and has never held a job for longer than 6 months. His favorite past-time is Nascar and playstation. He can't even carry on a conversation with an adult.

On my dad's side... both Aunt's are just crazy. That's the best way to put it. One of them is very successful, and is one of only a handful of doctors in the world that does what she does... but she has absolutely no common sense. Just as an example, she smokes 2 packs a day... and shes a doctor. :doh: When she was younger she married a cocaine addict who invited swingers to the wedding... made for some funny times while his friends got liquored up and propositioned family members to join the fun. (keep in mind that side of the family is very conservative Catholic). My cousin, her son, has never held a job. He's 23... and he's never wanted for anything in his life. He drives an Escalade. You can imagine his personality.

My other aunt couldn't tie her own shoes, and she married a sociopath. He is absolutely crazy, but not in a funny way at all. Too many incidents to list with him... he has recently had a couple strokes, but that has not stopped his smoking and drinking, but has made the abuse worse. :doh: thankfully they never had children.

I could go on, trust me. But i'll end it there for now... my fingers are tired.

My sister and I growing up always promised each other that our children would not have dysfunctional aunts and uncles. So far, we've held to that (well maybe not me )... she and her husband are great people and they have taken a very active role in my son's life.

Good stuff--sounds like you have your hands full as well.

Most of my family problems seem to come from alcohol/drug abuse--but we definately have a few spoiled kids in there.

[rincewind]

My uncle (married to my dad's sister) has had many, MANY go rounds with the Cincinnati child services program - very public ones at that. He has spent their entire life savings battling the system because he believes it is well within his rights to smack his daughter around - though he far prefers psychological abuse. He has housed people on the run from child services - he has basically become the Harriet Tubman of the underground childbeating railroad. :doh:

Worse - my 82 year old grandmother just moved out of the house she lived in for 60 years and moved in with my aunt and uncle.

[headexplode]

- he has basically become the Harriet Tubman of the underground childbeating railroad. :doh:

I know it's not funny but that statement is pretty funny.

[rincewind]

I know it's not funny but that statement is pretty funny.

What's ****ed up is he truly believes he is on a noble crusade. :doh:

[zoony]

What's ****ed up is he truly believes he is on a noble crusade. :doh:

Just think, your nieces and nephs will tell stories about their long-haired, pot smoking, hippy uncle in Baltimore

In all seriousness though, I hope it all works out with your Grandmother. That doesn't sound like a good development.

[hogmagnus]

Oy, where do I start?

My aunt (dad's sister) married a guy that freaked my grandfather out so much, he carried his pistol anytime he visited. My grandfather swore to his deathbed that the man was possessed. Same uncle tried to burn the house down, while his two sons were sleeping, because "God told him to" (we know that because when the cops & fire dept. got there, he was dancing half-naked in the street outside saying so). My cousins only got out because the family dog woke them up - dog didn't survive the fire.

Same cousins both messed themselves anyway. One fell 40 ft off a railroad trestle, and landed standing up (legs didn't appreciate the impact and compacted accordingly). Other one decided to cram himself and 6 other friends into a VW Rabbit on a major highway - driver lost control, went up the side of a hill, and landed on the roof; my cousin was thrown out of the rear window, and landed on his head. My aunt (his mother) happened to be driving by, and was first on the scene; walked around the car to find her son lying in a pool of blood. He's lucky to be alive; now married to a Ph.D.

Not enough time to go into the rest of the family. Maybe later. Sigh . . .

[Bang]

I had an uncle who was as true a hippy as you'd ever see.

His name was David, but he had it legally changed to Dancing Moon back in the early 70s. He went to Berkely in the 60s and studied forestry, he was there for all the protests and fun, and when he graduated he moved up onto a mountainside in Bitter Root Montana with about 30 others and they started a commune. He lived in it for the rest of his life, grew his own food, (and income,, and some good stuff.. wow. I hit it one time... it simply was the most amazing I had ever had.)

Anyway, he wasn't much of a black sheep,, never got in trouble, wasn't particularly eccentric outside of all of the above, and he pretty much lived life his own way off of the land. He lived in cabins or teepees they constructed themselves, and he was quite content.

He didn't have much by way of social grace,, in truth I found him to be a bit of a dick, but he spoke what was on his mind, i'll give him that. He didn't come around much,, the last time I saw him was about 18 or so years ago. He showed up out of the blue for my cousins wedding,, pure mountain man. Very interesting day, to say the least. The last time I had seen him was when i was still just a kid, like 11 or so.

He gave me a little bud, and man oh man. Never before or since have i had anything like it.

He died a few years ago chopping wood. Apparently the stack came unsettled and fell on him, and he asphyxiated. Someone found him about a week later.

I couldn't live like he did, even though it has it' appeal. I'll give it to him, he stuck to what he wanted, and he was happy.

~Bang

[PleaseBlitz]

Interestingly, my family is super-normal. I think that may be why i really like causing trouble.

[headexplode]

I had an uncle who was as true a hippy as you'd ever see.

His name was David, but he had it legally changed to Dancing Moon back in the early 70s. He went to Berkely in the 60s and studied forestry, he was there for all the protests and fun, and when he graduated he moved up onto a mountainside in Bitter Root Montana with about 30 others and they started a commune. He lived in it for the rest of his life, grew his own food, (and income,, and some good stuff.. wow. I hit it one time... it simply was the most amazing I had ever had.)

Anyway, he wasn't much of a black sheep,, never got in trouble, wasn't particularly eccentric outside of all of the above, and he pretty much lived life his own way off of the land. He lived in cabins or teepees they constructed themselves, and he was quite content.

He didn't have much by way of social grace,, in truth I found him to be a bit of a dick, but he spoke what was on his mind, i'll give him that. He didn't come around much,, the last time I saw him was about 18 or so years ago. He showed up out of the blue for my cousins wedding,, pure mountain man. Very interesting day, to say the least. The last time I had seen him was when i was still just a kid, like 11 or so.

He gave me a little bud, and man oh man. Never before or since have i had anything like it.

He died a few years ago chopping wood. Apparently the stack came unsettled and fell on him, and he asphyxiated. Someone found him about a week later.

I couldn't live like he did, even though it has it' appeal. I'll give it to him, he stuck to what he wanted, and he was happy.

~Bang

That actually sounds pretty awesome. I couldn't live that way, either, but it does sound appealing in its own way (especially the part about the homegrown).

[headexplode]

Oy, where do I start?

My aunt (dad's sister) married a guy that freaked my grandfather out so much, he carried his pistol anytime he visited. My grandfather swore to his deathbed that the man was possessed. Same uncle tried to burn the house down, while his two sons were sleeping, because "God told him to" (we know that because when the cops & fire dept. got there, he was dancing half-naked in the street outside saying so). My cousins only got out because the family dog woke them up - dog didn't survive the fire.

.

Now that's some crazy ****, right there. That's the best so far.

[headexplode]

Interestingly, my family is super-normal. I think that may be why i really like causing trouble.

Yeah, that explains a lot.

[Leonard Washington]

He didn't come around much,, the last time I saw him was about 18 or so years ago. He showed up out of the blue for my cousins wedding,, pure mountain man. Very interesting day, to say the least. The last time I had seen him was when i was still just a kid, like 11 or so.

hmm 43-18=25, but the last time you saw him you were 11? that's some hella-weed man. :laugh:

[AdamB]

I would like to thank those posting in the thread for making me feel a tad bit better about my family :laugh:

Most of the nuts are on my father's side:

(Background: devout Southern Baptist, most living in Arkansas, very "small town", and most of the older generations are about 3 steps from being Klan members)

One cousin, at a large family dinner, stood up and informed her husband, with whom she has a daughter, that she was a lesbian and was leaving him for her (literally) 400 pound girlfriend. Same cousin turned down an appointment to the Air Force Academy because she really wanted to drive a truck during her time in the Air Force 10 years ago.

One cousin (sister of above) married a man who does not "allow" her to spend more than 1 hour at any given time with her family (she gets 2 hours if its just her mom). She is not allowed to work at any job that will pay her more than what he makes. Physically abusive.

One cousin (2nd cousin whom I spent alot of time with when we were growing up as she is the same age as I am) married a man who is so violent that her mom (who introduced my mom to my father when they were teens) now carries a gun at all times and rarely leaves the house due to death threats from him.

Almost all members of this family going back to my father's generation have extreme tempers that has become infamous in the small town in which most of them live. Only my sister and I have actually learned to control it.

My great aunt and uncle on my grandmother's side sold their 40 acre farm to a small religious cult who is using it raise sheep and corn, sold all their belongings, and then moved into a 30 year old mobile home.

One of my 2nd cousins is convinced the CIA has wiretapped her home and has actually established a listening post in her attic. Up until recently she was one of the "normal" ones.

My grandmother has started carrying on long conversations with her younger sister...who died 3 years ago.

Whenever I start feeling like I am too weird, or strange, or abnormal, I just call my sister for all the new family gossip which usually solves the problem.

[headexplode]

I would like to thank those posting in the thread for making me feel a tad bit better about my family :laugh:

Most of the nuts are on my father's side:

(Background: devout Southern Baptist, most living in Arkansas, very "small town", and most of the older generations are about 3 steps from being Klan members)

One cousin, at a large family dinner, stood up and informed her husband, with whom she has a daughter, that she was a lesbian and was leaving him for her (literally) 400 pound girlfriend. Same cousin turned down an appointment to the Air Force Academy because she really wanted to drive a truck during her time in the Air Force 10 years ago.

One cousin (sister of above) married a man who does not "allow" her to spend more than 1 hour at any given time with her family (she gets 2 hours if its just her mom). She is not allowed to work at any job that will pay her more than what he makes. Physically abusive.

One cousin (2nd cousin whom I spent alot of time with when we were growing up as she is the same age as I am) married a man who is so violent that her mom (who introduced my mom to my father when they were teens) now carries a gun at all times and rarely leaves the house due to death threats from him.

Almost all members of this family going back to my father's generation have extreme tempers that has become infamous in the small town in which most of them live. Only my sister and I have actually learned to control it.

My great aunt and uncle on my grandmother's side sold their 40 acre farm to a small religious cult who is using it raise sheep and corn, sold all their belongings, and then moved into a 30 year old mobile home.

One of my 2nd cousins is convinced the CIA has wiretapped her home and has actually established a listening post in her attic. Up until recently she was one of the "normal" ones.

My grandmother has started carrying on long conversations with her younger sister...who died 3 years ago.

Whenever I start feeling like I am too weird, or strange, or abnormal, I just call my sister for all the new family gossip which usually solves the problem.

Wow, good stuff. I know I already posted this earlier in the week, but it is especially appropos to your post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Enf4dKA5Hqo

[Bang]

hmm 43-18=25, but the last time you saw him you were 11? that's some hella-weed man. :laugh:

Well, i meant prior to him showing up at my cousin's wedding... the last time before that was when i was a kid

but yeah, it was some serious weed.

~Bang

[zoony]

Interestingly, my family is super-normal. I think that may be why i really like causing trouble.

Yah my college roomate and best friend since HS has a family like that.

Uncles, aunts, cousins... all of them very successful, all with great families... all good looking, etc. Pretty sickening :laugh:

[headexplode]

Yah my college roomate and best friend since HS has a family like that.

Uncles, aunts, cousins... all of them very successful, all with great families... all good looking, etc. Pretty sickening :laugh:

Yeah, on the flip side of the disfunctional family thing, I have some family members who are overly ambitious and successful. I have two cousins in Florida, both under twenty, one has saved like thirty thousand dollars, has his pilot's lisence, and is having his entire college education paid for by the school, the other is a lifeguard who saved some kid from drowning and gave him CPR and also excels at schooling. Both are neat and attractive and well-mannered. What a bunch of suckjobs.

[Spaceman Spiff]

Yah my college roomate and best friend since HS has a family like that.

Uncles, aunts, cousins... all of them very successful, all with great families... all good looking, etc. Pretty sickening :laugh:

Don't let PB thinking he's good looking now. His ego might inflate to even larger proportions