TK Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a :pooh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techboy Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is? "Bob". "And what is your question, Bob?" "I have 3 questions." "First... Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?" "Second... Why are you President when Gore got more votes?" "And third... What happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions." "First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?" "Second... Why are you President when Gore got more votes?" "Third... What happened to Osama Bin Laden?" "Fourth... Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!" "And fifth... Where is Bob? !!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techboy Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 And... one more for the liberals (and the conservatives that have a sense of humor)... Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident." "Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible". His staff sits there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President slumps, head in hands. Finally the President looks up and asks... "How many is a brazillion?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 FEMALE PRAYERBefore I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a :pooh: Damn TK nice avatar...can I find a similar one of Marcus Washington? Burgold....dumb joke, but joke nonetheless.... What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ_Skins Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 From Ronald Reagan: "You know, there was a time that being a Republican in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in "High Noon" -- outnumbered in a big way. I remember the story of the fellow here a while ago who was running for Congress as a Republican. He stopped by a farm to do some campaigning, and when the farmer heard he was a Republican, his jaw dropped and he said, "Wait right here," he said, "while I get Ma. She's never seen a Republican before." So, he got Ma. And the candidate looked around for a podium to give his speech from -- the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on that mound, and when they came back, he gave his speech. At the end of it the farmer said, "That's the first time I ever heard a Republican speech." The candidate said, "That's the first time I've ever given a Republican speech from a Democratic platform." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jumbo Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Dwell on these thoughts instead: If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? There are three religious truths: -- Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pskins Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 What do you call a brunette between two blondes? - a translator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted May 6, 2006 Author Share Posted May 6, 2006 Some of these are very good. This was a good way to momentarily not dwell... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prosperity Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vi Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Geez, I have a couple really bad ones... -What do you call a lifeguard with no arms or legs? Bob -What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene -Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor. The vendor asks what he wants, and Buddha replies "Make me one with everything." -What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum Blown-apart. :doh: I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Geez, I have a couple really bad ones...-What do you call a lifeguard with no arms or legs? Bob -What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene -Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor. The vendor asks what he wants, and Buddha replies "Make me one with everything." -What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum Blown-apart. :doh: I'm sorry. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs under your car? Jack. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? Russell. Ok that's enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techboy Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 No it's not. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT Smash Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground Beef. i first heard that joke a couple summers ago. i laughed for like an hour straight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the burgundy and gold Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 And... one more for the liberals (and the conservatives that have a sense of humor)...Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident." "Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible". His staff sits there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President slumps, head in hands. Finally the President looks up and asks... "How many is a brazillion?" hahaha i like that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 No it's not.What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art. Hahaha. Alright.... What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in your bathroom? John. What do you call a girl with no arms and legs in a backpack? Carrie. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs waterskiing? Skip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slateman Posted May 7, 2006 Share Posted May 7, 2006 Here's some military humor for ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.