Burgold Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Had a really rotten day today. Don't want to talk about it, but I'm in need of a laugh. Anyone got a good joke? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Do you like dumb jokes? Here's one: Two men are walking down the street... I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Dumb jokes are fine. keep em coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinklein Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Why do women get periods? Because they deserve it. Why don't women have umbrellas? There's no rain from the kitchen to the bedroom. Obligatory disclaimer: Put disclaimer text here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OaktonSkins/BushFan Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Here's a slew of them... :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 That was mean Kind of funny. But I didn't mean I needed jokes at my expense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianbien83 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I don't know what the allowable dirtiness quotient is on jokes for the forum. Let me know and I'll see what I can do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Some other poster said this one but anyway: Whats green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm0304 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Here's another kinda nasty one: How do you know if your roomate is gay? His dick tastes like crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 That was awesome, Storm. And very accurate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Sassy Molassy Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. :laugh: That was brilliant! Especially the "Lurker" part. That was great. Although you forgot to mention the 5 it takes to Hijack the thread to talk about LED lighting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haawhat Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 the seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward: "your excellency," he said. "i wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "no Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied. Behind Dopey, the six dwarves started to titter. "well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted. "No, none in Italy," the Pope answered a little more sternly. a few of the dwarves now began to laugh more openly. "well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope was much more firm. "Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By this point, all the dwarves were laughing aloud and rolling around on the ground. "Pope," Dopey demaded. "are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "no Dopey," the Pope snapped. "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." Whereupon the six dwarves started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey ++++++ a penguin! Dopey ++++++ a penguin!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Weirdo Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barney B Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Herre's a couple of lawyer jokes. I hope you're not a lawyer, or else I'll have to charge you for 'em. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice 'em. A country lawyer is visiting a client's farm, and needs to use the toilet, but remembers that there's no running water, so he runs around back to the outhouse. When he opens the door, he sees the handyman is already in there, so he starts to close the door, but the handyman says, "Don't worry, it's a two-holer." So the lawyer takes a seat, finishes quickly, but as he's standing up, he accidentally drops 75 cents down the hole. So he reaches into his wallet, takes out a $100 bill, and tosses that down the hole, as well. The handyman asks him, "Why'd you do that?", and the lawyer tells him, "I'll be darned if I'm going down there for just 75 cents." Note to lawyers: Just jokes. Please don't sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted May 6, 2006 Author Share Posted May 6, 2006 Thanks guys... these are helping! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinklein Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. Stupid jokes like this are seriously the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinklein Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Sassy Molassy Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Two potatoes are sitting in the oven. One potato looks over at the other and says; "Is it me, or is it hot in here?" The other potato looks, points and says, "Dude! A talking potato!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haawhat Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 a monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hane. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. he's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies. "if someone makes a mistake," he points out. "it would be impossible to detect. even worse the error would continue to be made." a bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath th abbey. a place only he has accdess to. Well two days, then three days pass without the preist resurfacing. finally the new monk decides to see if the old guys alright. when he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. he is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time. "father?" the monk wispers. "oh Lord Jesus," the priest wails. "the word is 'celebrate.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Sassy Molassy Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 a monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate hislife to copying ancient books by hane. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. he's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies. "if someone makes a mistake," he points out. "it would be impossible to detect. even worse the error would continue to be made." a bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath th abbey. a place only he has accdess to. Well two days, then three days pass without the preist resurfacing. finally the new monk decides to see if the old guys alright. when he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. he is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time. "father?" the monk wispers. "oh Lord Jesus," the priest wails. "the word is 'celebrate.'" :rotflmao: That's awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The 12th Commandment Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 You asked for it. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known of course as Sinko de Mayo.... :doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT Smash Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TK Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TK Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a tatoo of a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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