Stigmata Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 I know we all love to laugh including me. Im always looking for good jokes lets share some perhaps.. And lets not get offended at Jokes guys/gals they are jokes after all. The best jokes i hear usually contain an element of truth just take them for what they are Jokes. Should there be a limit? for me no, no holds bar on jokes so let em rip.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 OK, here's an old one... A young man and women meet, fall in love and get married. Over all the years of marage, the women had but one complaint about the man. Breakin wind. He was a windy bastage, and enjoyed being noisy as he could be. Time and time again, the women would tell him if he wasn't careful, he would shoot his guts out his arse. Many many years had gone by, early thanksgiving morning the women was gettin the turkey ready to go into the oven, when she hears the man up in bed let one rip................. She couldn't take it any longer, and figured she would fix the problem by givin him a good scare. She sneeks up into their bedroom, quietly pulls down the covers off the man, and proceeds to stuff the the uncooked turkey innards into the mans draws. She goes down stairs, and waits..................... Not much time passed when she hears him let another one rip, and then the man lets out a yell. The house falls silent, and then in the kitchen door is the man. He says, honey, you were right. I let one rip, and shot my guts right out my butt...............but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I was able to stuff them back in............................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 2, 2006 Author Share Posted April 2, 2006 hehe good one, we can have a onging opinion vote on the best jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinklein Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 OK, here's an old one...A young man and women meet, fall in love and get married. Over all the years of marage, the women had but one complaint about the man. Breakin wind. He was a windy bastage, and enjoyed being noisy as he could be. Time and time again, the women would tell him if he wasn't careful, he would shoot his guts out his arse. Many many years had gone by, early thanksgiving morning the women was gettin the turkey ready to go into the oven, when she hears the man up in bed let one rip................. She couldn't take it any longer, and figured she would fix the problem by givin him a good scare. She sneeks up into their bedroom, quietly pulls down the covers off the man, and proceeds to stuff the the uncooked turkey innards into the mans draws. She goes down stairs, and waits..................... Not much time passed when she hears him let another one rip, and then the man lets out a yell. The house falls silent, and then in the kitchen door is the man. He says, honey, you were right. I let one rip, and shot my guts right out my butt...............but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I was able to stuff them back in............................ I've heard that one before, but didn't remember the ending. My response: :puke: :toilet: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 2, 2006 Author Share Posted April 2, 2006 A priest is in the confessional, he needs to use the bathroom real bad but he cant leave the confessional, he can see a painter through the curtains and gets his attention, Hey can you take over for me for 10 min while i use the bathroom, But the painter is apprehensive and says but i wouldnt know what to say if anyone comes in? what can i do? So the priest says oh no problem here i have a cheat sheet to tell you what to say according to there confessions, like swearing 1 hail mary exct, so he agrees to help out. As he is sitting a young lady comes in and says bless me for i have sinned, so he says what have you done my child, she says i had sex with my neighbor, hes like oh my as he scans the list "ah here it is" sex with neighbor, that will be 10 hail marys. so she leaves and another comes in but she had sex with 5 neighbors and needed 50 hail marys. So another young lady comes in and her sin was anal sex with her neighbor, so the painter scans the list and cant find it, he starts to swet, hes geting nervouse and thinks hurry up hurry up i dont know what to say.. So he can see an alter boy going about his duties, and gose "pssst pssst" hey young man come here for a min, boy says (what can i do for you sir?) yes uh what do you normaly get for anal sex? The alter boy looks up at him with a strange look and says " oh thats easy sir, usually milk and cookies" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The 12th Commandment Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 Why women have two hands: VS Why men have two hands Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeSellers45 Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 My friend told me this one. I hope it doesn't offend anybody. "There was a Mexican, a black, and a white guy who found a magic lamp so each of them got one wish. The Mexican say "I wish all the Mexicans would go back to Mexico." The genie then says "Wish granted." The black person says "I wish all the black people would go back to Africa." Once again, the genie says "Wish granted." So then the white guy says "Let me get this straight, there are no more Africans or Mexicans in America?" "Yes," the genie replies. So the white guy says "S***, I'll just have a Coke." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 2, 2006 Author Share Posted April 2, 2006 One thing for sure MikeSellers45, Crystal is no joke :rubeyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 A man dies and goes to hell. The Devil takes him to a hallway with three doors and tells him "You may look in each room once, and then choose which room will be you eternal damnation." The man opens the first door to see millions of people standing on broken glass - they are all jumping in agony. He decides to check door 2 - behind that door there are millions of people standing on burning coals. He moves on to door 3 - behind this door there are people standing up to their knees in s***. After thinking about it he decides the smell is better than the pain, so he chooses door 3. He walks into the room and tries not to breath to much - after about 5 minutes he hears a voice announce "Ok breaks over - everybody back on their heads." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 2, 2006 Author Share Posted April 2, 2006 A man dies and goes to hell, he had been there 1 week and finally goes to satan and say look is there anything i can do to get out of hell ill do anything.. satan is like hmmm, well over in the far corner look, if you do her you can get out, so hes like oh man this will be easy, but he goes and looks and is horrified by the sight! A vomit infested, boil infested, every STD known to man thing laying there, he wretches and turns away.. A week goes by and finally says to himself i will just have to swallow my pride, pinch my nose and get it over with I MUST get out of hell.. So he drops trou,climbs on barley able to withstand the wretchedness, but as hes ontop doing his thing to get out of hell he can see rincewind on the otherside of the room nailing marylin monroe, hes like wtf is this?? he yells over to satan and says hey what is the deal here why is it i have to do (it) when rincewind gets to do Maryln monroe??? Satan just looks at him and says, well she wants to get out of hell also! i know ill pay for that, rincewind was the post above me so hes the lucky guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 A man dies and goes to hell, he had been there 1 week and finally goes to satan and say look is there anything i can do to get out of hell ill do anything.. satan is like hmmm, well over in the far corner look, if you do her you can get out, so hes like oh man this will be easy, but he goes and looks and is horrified by the sight! A vomit infested, boil infested, every STD known to man thing laying there, he wretches and turns away.. A week goes by and finally says to himself i will just have to swallow my pride, pinch my nose and get it over with I MUST get out of hell.. So he drops trou,climbs on barley able to withstand the wretchedness, but as hes ontop doing his thing to get out of hell he can see rincewind on the otherside of the room nailing marylin monroe, hes like wtf is this?? he yells over to satan and says hey what is the deal here why is it i have to do (it) when rincewind gets to do Maryln monroe??? Satan just looks at him and says, well she wants to get out of hell also! i know ill pay for that, rincewind was the post above me so hes the lucky guy Wrong place at the wrong time - story of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 2, 2006 Author Share Posted April 2, 2006 Wrong place at the wrong time - story of my life. aww sorry rince, all in good fun eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 aww sorry rince, all in good fun eh? No worries - but i will be looking for payback. And in case you haven't noticed; moms are fair game. Though the term fair has never really been used when talking about Major's mom - more like horny she-monkey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyeG Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 How do you get an elaphant across the free way? You take the F out of free and the F out of way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Two men were walking down the street . . . I forget the rest but your mother's a whore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
visionary Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 A man dies and goes to hell, he had been there 1 week and finally goes to satan and say look is there anything i can do to get out of hell ill do anything.. satan is like hmmm, well over in the far corner look, if you do her you can get out, so hes like oh man this will be easy, but he goes and looks and is horrified by the sight! A vomit infested, boil infested, every STD known to man thing laying there, he wretches and turns away.. A week goes by and finally says to himself i will just have to swallow my pride, pinch my nose and get it over with I MUST get out of hell.. So he drops trou,climbs on barley able to withstand the wretchedness, but as hes ontop doing his thing to get out of hell he can see rincewind on the otherside of the room nailing marylin monroe, hes like wtf is this?? he yells over to satan and says hey what is the deal here why is it i have to do (it) when rincewind gets to do Maryln monroe??? Satan just looks at him and says, well she wants to get out of hell also! i know ill pay for that, rincewind was the post above me so hes the lucky guy LOL, that was funny as hell. Poor Rincewind. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
visionary Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 This thread may be in trouble...lol. Buuuut, what the heck... I can't remember most of the good old jokes that I used to know. Maybe someone else can remember them (let's see.... There was one about Superman on the beach and Wonder Woman. There was the one about Superman at the bar and the window. I also recall a couple of pretty funny camel jokes one involving a conveniance store and another involving a place out in the dessert and a really horny guy. Hmmm, I also seem to recall one about a cowboy whose horse keeps bringing him women when he's in captivity. And of course, the story of the immigrant kid, Hotter Hotter who doesn't know the meaning of the middle finger. Then again if we tell these jokes, this thread might get closed down fairly fast) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
visionary Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Ok, here's a funny joke, (one I found though). http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_157.htm "One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinnedAussie Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Akbar is sitting his citizenship exam, and is passing with flying colours. The supervisor then tells Akbar he has one more exam to complete before citizenship is granted. The final exam is for Akbar to create a sentence containing the words green, pink and yellow. Akbar is given 30 minutes to come up with his answer. Not long after, Akbar approaches the supervisor to advise him that he is ready with his answer. Akbar states the following: 'The phone, it go green green, green green. I go over and pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Akbar, how may I be helping you?'. Akbar now works in a call centre near you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ancalagon the Black Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 That Akbar joke is one of the most contrived punchlines I've ever heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Nostril Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Akbar is sitting his citizenship exam, and is passing with flying colours.The supervisor then tells Akbar he has one more exam to complete before citizenship is granted. The final exam is for Akbar to create a sentence containing the words green, pink and yellow. Akbar is given 30 minutes to come up with his answer. Not long after, Akbar approaches the supervisor to advise him that he is ready with his answer. Akbar states the following: 'The phone, it go green green, green green. I go over and pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Akbar, how may I be helping you?'. Akbar now works in a call centre near you. I think the funniest thing about that joke is that there's a punch line, and then there's denoument. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 I think the funniest thing about that joke is that there's a punch line, and then there's denoument. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 I always liked: A man walks into a bar. He says 'ow'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 I always liked:A man walks into a bar. He says 'ow'. That's one of my favorites as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The 12th Commandment Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Aussie should like this one. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean, what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? Got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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