Gigantor Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 What is the definition of a wife? an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 What is the definition of a wife?an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. ^^^^hail MOTU!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 http://thekidfrombrooklyn.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
visionary Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a massive hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large, tough-looking man, with a scar down the left side of his face. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches. I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming to, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 3 men die in a car crash, and are standing before peter in heaven. Peter looks down at the first guy and says, have you ever cheated on you wife? The man knows he cant lie they will know, he hangs his head low and says yes i have cheated on my wife 10 times.. Peter (with his specs low on his nose thumbs through a great book) ahh yes so you have cheated on your wife 10 times,, hmmm but you told the truth so for that you can enter but you must drive this beat up 73 ford pinto in heaven forever. So peter asks the same question to the next guy, he has the same thoughts, i cant lie they will know, so he hangs his head low and says yes i have cheated on my wife 5 times. So Peter thumbs through the great book and says ahhhh yes so you have cheated 5 times on your wife. Your not as bad as that last guy and you did not lie to me, so for that you get to drive this beat up 85 Caddy in heaven forever. Next guy, same question, but the guy sits and thinks and says Peter i can honestly say i have never cheated on my wife, i have been faithfull for 30 years to that woman. Peters eye brows raise at that, he thumbs the great book, ahhh well yes so you havent cheated 1 times on your wife, WELL DONE faithfull servant, for your faithfullness you get to drive this solid gold plated Rolls Royce in heaven forever. 2 months go by and the pinto and caddy are cruising down the golden streets, but they can see far up ahead the Gold plated Rolls Royce pulled over along side of the curb, with the driver holding his head in his hands crying his eyes out. so they pull over and aproach him hands up in a shrug gesture, whats wrong with you man how can you be so sad? you have the finest car in all of heaven to drive for eternity? Well im sorry fellas, but i just saw my wife go by on a skate board!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frommd Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 A honeymoon couple checks into a top of the line hotel overlooking Niagara Falls. The manager of the hotel sees them and smiles, remembering his own honemoon many years ago. Early the next morning, the manager is up doing paperwork. The lobby is dark and quiet. "Ding" the elevator doors open, and out walks the husband, he is wearing hip-waiters, carrying fishing gear and a fishing pole. The manager is confused but goes back to his work. The husband doesn't return until late that day. The next morning, same scenario. "Ding" the husband walks out with his fishing gear. The manager is really confused now. Again, the husband doesn't return until late that day. Third morning. "Ding" here comes the husband ready for fishing. Finally, curiosity gets the best of the manager. He walks over to the husband, and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to ask, you are here for your honeymoon. You checked into our honeymoon suite, with every ammenity at your fingertips. You have a lovely view of the falls, one of the most romantic places on earth. Why aren't you upstairs making love to your wife?" The husband replies, "Well, I can't make love to my wife she has gonorrhea." The manager says, "Oh, well I'm sorry, but it is your honeymoon, you could have oral sex." The husband says, "I can't have oral sex with her she has pyorrhea." The manager says, "That's awful. Well, again it's your honeymoon, you could have anal sex." The husband says, "I can't have anal sex with her she has diarrhea." The manager disgustedly says, "Why in the world would you marry a woman like that?" The husband grins and says, "Well, she also has worms and I do love to fish." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 A honeymoon couple checks into a top of the line hotel overlooking Niagara Falls. The manager of the hotel sees them and smiles, remembering his own honemoon many years ago.Early the next morning, the manager is up doing paperwork. The lobby is dark and quiet. "Ding" the elevator doors open, and out walks the husband, he is wearing hip-waiters, carrying fishing gear and a fishing pole. The manager is confused but goes back to his work. The husband doesn't return until late that day. The next morning, same scenario. "Ding" the husband walks out with his fishing gear. The manager is really confused now. Again, the husband doesn't return until late that day. Third morning. "Ding" here comes the husband ready for fishing. Finally, curiosity gets the best of the manager. He walks over to the husband, and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to ask, you are here for your honeymoon. You checked into our honeymoon suite, with every ammenity at your fingertips. You have a lovely view of the falls, one of the most romantic places on earth. Why aren't you upstairs making love to your wife?" The husband replies, "Well, I can't make love to my wife she has gonorrhea." The manager says, "Oh, well I'm sorry, but it is your honeymoon, you could have oral sex." The husband says, "I can't have oral sex with her she has pyorrhea." The manager says, "That's awful. Well, again it's your honeymoon, you could have anal sex." The husband says, "I can't have anal sex with her she has diarrhea." The manager disgustedly says, "Why in the world would you marry a woman like that?" The husband grins and says, "Well, she also has worms and I do love to fish." :laugh: but also :puke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gigantor Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 What do you call a west virginian girl who can run faster than her brothers? virgin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gigantor Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 what is the fastest animal in the world? etheopian chicken Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cactitle Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 A woman says to Michael Jackson at a beach "Excuse me but I believe your in my sun" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 A woman says to Michael Jackson at a beach "Excuse me but I believe your in my sun" Why did Michael Jackson go to K-mart? He heard boys pants were half off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cactitle Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Q. Why is Michael Jackson so tough? A. He can lick any kid on the block. Knock Knock! Who's There? Little boy blue! Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson! Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty? A. Several children have fingered him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cactitle Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road? A. He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in. Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A. He thought it was a delivery service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cactitle Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson? A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cactitle Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Q: What's icky and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manichispanic Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 how does every ethnic joke start? with a look over your shoulder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 how does every ethnic joke start?with a look over your shoulder :laugh: - I like that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 What do you call a west virginian girl who can run faster than her brothers?virgin. there's a special thread just for WV jokes, pal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 there's a special thread just for WV jokes, pal. Yeah, there you can find such jokes as: What is Major's pet name for his girlfriend? Mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Weirdo Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 Im more frustrated then a starving ethiopian man with no arms and legs watching a chocolate doughnut roll down a hill.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 Yeah, there you can find such jokes as:What is Major's pet name for his girlfriend? Mom. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
visionary Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commander’s first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. When the commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigmata Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 A bus load of nuns die in a bus accident they are before peter at the pearly gates, peter says to the first nun, Have you been with a man, she thinks and replies, no but ive seen a man, so peter says ok go wash your eyes out with that holy water and you can come in. He asks the second nun the same thing, she thinks and says no but ive touched a man, so peter says ok go wash your hands with that holy water and you can come in. 3rd nun steps up and peter says ok have you been with a man, she thinks about it, but just as shes about to answer the 4th nun back shoves her out of the way and says "Excuse me i must go before her!" but peter says no its not your turn get back in line. So he re-asks the 3rd nun have you been with a man, but agains just as shes about to answer the 4th nun back shoves her out of the way and says "you dont understand i insist i go before her" Now peter is getting mad and threatens to send her to the back of the line with 1 more outburst. But again just as the 3rd nun is ready to answer the 4th nun back tackels her down on the ground and pins her knee behind her kneck and yells " Look i really insist i go before her" So peter say ok fine explain why, what so important that you go before her, 4th nun replies well its simple.. If im going to have to gargle in that stuff i want to do it before she sticks her As_ in it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 In an Indian tribe it is the job of the chief to deliver and then name all of the babies. So one day a little boy goes up to the chief and asks - "Chief, how do you come up with all of our names?" The chief replies: "You see, after I deliver the baby I walk outside and the first thing I see in nature is what I name the child. Take Soaring Eagle - after he was delivered I saw an eagle flying through the sky, the same goes for Running Deer. Do you understand now Two Dogs F***ing?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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