The Redskin Tea Party and Intolerable Acts (A joke thread)

In the course of human history, there comes a time where all men must rise from their couches and stir to action. We, the faithful and loyal, must never bow or fall silently prey to tyranny. Yea, we will stand together and show that we are a new breed, rougher, but more innovative and passionate who will never succumb to such acts of villiany.

I submit that we rise in protest against the Intolerable Acts:

The Quartering Acts: Quartering the loyal fans behind pillars of obstruction that blocketh our view while the tyrant King sits behind glass on cushioned throne must not be condoned.

The Fed Ex Port Act: Blocading our good stadium and controlling egress so tightly as to bottleneck the good fan base shall not be tolerated. We demand roads. Roads and bypasses and amusements to pass the time during delays caused by your intolerably poor infrastructure.

Administration of Justice Act: Whereby we declare it is intolerable that the good citizens of Fed Ex be forced to buy Tailgate clubs and other accessories when all we want is a ticket close to the moment. These extortionist packages are intolerable.

The Stamp Act: Knowing that the lifeblood of the community is not tea, but beer, it is an act of most unfair cruelty to tax the beer to such an extent that it subjects all of your subjects to a state of Poverty.

We, the citizenry, demand the right to choose our own governance (head coach) to live freely and happily as is God's will, and to not be subject to persecution of our person and our wallet.

Mass_Skins_Fan, get off of Burgold's account.

My good fellows, if you believe these acts to be intolerable as do I, ye shall dress as the natives, in Cowboy gear and assemble at Boston Harbor also known as the Fed Ex loading docks, there you were spill every drum and barrell of Stamped beer you can find. Only in this way, can we show the depth of our seriousness and the strength of our will. We would rather spill the beer then cry in it.

Haha, good stuff. A little levity is desperately needed around here.

Here here! And hrrrmmmmphh!! Hrrrmmmmphh!

Bring out the danny and his minion so that we might tar and feather them!

Okay, I'm being Sam Adams. Anyone want to have a stab at being Thomas Paine. I know I may be asking a bit much for a 'skins fan to be the bearer of Common Sense :laugh:

when do we get to the tarring and feathering?

Mass_Skins_Fan, get off of Burgold's account.

I LOLed at that:laugh:

The history of the present King of Skins is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these fans. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

(playing mad libs with the actual Declaration)

SOME owners have so confounded ownership with coaching, as to leave little or no distinction between them; whereas they are not only different, but have different origins. Coaches are perceived as the noble commanders, and owners are perceived as the over-weight General sucking on cigars in a climate controlled environment expounding how easy it is to be a coach. The former promotes our happiness POSITIVELY by uniting our affections, the latter NEGATIVELY by restraining our vices. The one encourages teamwork, the other creates distinctions. The first is a patron, the last a punisher.

A football team in any city is a blessing, but Ownership, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one: for when we suffer, or are exposed to the same miseries BY AN OWNER, which we might expect WITHOUT ANY ACCOUNTABILITY, our calamity is heightened by reflecting that we furnish the means by which we suffer; by patronizing said OWNER with our hard earned living for over-priced beer and outrageous parking. Devotion, evidenced by the wearing of faded jerseys of players long gone, is our badge of lost innocence; the palaces of team owners are built upon the hopes of every fan who faces each September thinking 'this is our year!'

In order to gain a clear and just idea of the design and end of the National Football League, let us suppose a small number of owners consumed with their need to control, unconnected with the rest; they will then represent the very worst of their teams, or of the league. A thousand motives will excite and inspire the masses thereto; the desire for power of one man is so anathema to his ultimate goal to win it all, and his mind so unfitted for perpetual solitude, that he is soon obliged to seek assistance and relief of another, who in his turn requires the same. And thus they are bound together and the subject of many a good laugh among the very peers that greet them falsely at each owner's meeting.

Four or five hundred fans devoted to the true spirit of their team would be able to inspire a triumphant uprising in the midst of a wilderness! One coach after another might very well be paraded before the masses every few years but the true Redskin fan will labour throughout his life to rid the team of this Disease, nay even misfortune. Working tirelessly throughout their lives even unto the day of their death; for, though none of them might be billionaires, yet that shall not disuade them from their passion for the team they love. Not even the owner nor his minions can reduce the true fan to a state in which he might rather be said to perish than to die!

Hail to the Redskins! Down with all Tyrants!

-- The Ghost of Thomas Paine

I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my skins. Now somebody kick the horse and get this over with.

SOME owners have so confounded ownership with coaching, as to leave little or no distinction between them; whereas they are not only different, but have different origins. Coaches are perceived as the noble commanders, and owners are perceived as the over-weight General sucking on cigars in a climate controlled environment expounding how easy it is to be a coach. The former promotes our happiness POSITIVELY by uniting our affections, the latter NEGATIVELY by restraining our vices. The one encourages teamwork, the other creates distinctions. The first is a patron, the last a punisher.

A football team in any city is a blessing, but Ownership, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one: for when we suffer, or are exposed to the same miseries BY AN OWNER, which we might expect WITHOUT ANY ACCOUNTABILITY, our calamity is heightened by reflecting that we furnish the means by which we suffer; by patronizing said OWNER with our hard earned living for over-priced beer and outrageous parking. Devotion, evidenced by the wearing of faded jerseys of players long gone, is our badge of lost innocence; the palaces of team owners are built upon the hopes of every fan who faces each September thinking 'this is our year!'

Hail to the Redskins! Down with all Tyrants!

-- The Ghost of Thomas Paine

Very nice. Well written.

These are the times that try mens' souls. The summer 'Skins fan and the sunshine fanatic may shrink from service to the burgundy and gold but those that continue yo obsessively track Redskins One and hit F5 on Extremeskins deserve the thanks of their fan base.

Very good thread Burgold:applause:

Okay, I'm being Sam Adams. Anyone want to have a stab at being Thomas Paine. I know I may be asking a bit much for a 'skins fan to be the bearer of Common Sense :laugh:

Ooo ooo, I call Thomas Jefferson:

"When in the course of sporting events it becomes necessary for one fanbase to dissolve the financial bands which have connected them with their owner... a decent respect to the opinions of the leauge requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to separation

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all fans are created equal, that they are endowed by their team with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life apart from Snyderatto, Liberty from boneheaded decisions and Pursuit of the Super Bowl. That to secure these rights, Owners are instituted among Fans, deriving their just powers from the consent of the ticket holders. That whenever any Form of Ownership becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Fanbase to alter or abolish it and to institute new Ownership, laying its foundation on such principals and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Sanity and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Ownerships long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that Redskins are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Misery, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Ownership, and to provide new Coaches for thier future success. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Ownership. The history of the present Owner of the Redskins is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolutely Worthless Team. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid league."

I know I didn't change much, but that's only because as I was copying this, I realized how similar King George III and Daniel Snyder are...