Adoption experiences?

[Idaho fan]

I rarely start threads but I know many of you are proud parents and was curious about how many of you have any experience with adoption.

I never thought much about adoption, that is until about 3 years ago. My wife and I had two biological boys and really thought we were done having kids.

Because she was in the hospital and the health insurance deductible was met my wife had her tubes cauderized. Then after our younger son was about 5 we started thinking that our family was not complete. After talking about it for a year or so we finally decided to try and adopt a girl. We started the process and within a year we were chosen by a birth mother. Our daughter Sadie Was born Last November and as she approaches her first birhthday we feel so fortunate to have her as part of our family. Our adoption went very smoothly and we even still occasionally communicate with the birth mother. We are so happy to have a little girl to raise and can't imagine our life without her.

I realize that some children of adoption can sometimes have a difficult time understanding why they were placed for adoption and I have witnessed first hand how difficult it can be for a birth mother to make that decision. I am just so thankful that the option (to place a baby for adoption) is out there. We were originally trying to adopt from Russia but ran into some problems and decided to do a domestic infant adoption. There are so many orphans in other countries who will never have parents - and yet so many waiting couples in the US. It is very sad that the process to adopt internationally is so expensive and difficult.

Anyway, I am rambling on..

So if you were adopted, have adopted, have placed a child for adoption or have anything to share I would like to hear about your experience.

Here is Sadie.... Need to get some Skins gear for her still.

[Enter Apotheosis]

Very cute kid. I can't really relate any adoption stories, but I can bump this up a bit since it seems to have gone unnoticed so far.

[PeterMP]

My parents had six kids, then when there youngest was probably a junior in high school, they adopted two sistes (3 and 5 at the time). They are know both in high school (senior and junior). I know at times it has been hard for them (things were more complicated due to their ages in some ways I think), but now they have two nice, smart, well adjusted kids. I was in my last year in college when the adoption happened and moved after that so don't have a lot of personal stories to tell, but it always seemed to me the key was to be honest (they had to because especially the oldest clearly understood things were changing), to love them, and be clear and vocal about it. I do think the age difference between those of us that were natural and them made things a little easier in some ways because there could be no direct comparision (and if they knew enough to make a direct comparision, they'd realize it they had it easy; my parents have become softees).

[DButz65]

No expierence with adopting, other than i was adopted.

If i hadnt been adopted by my parents, i probably would NOT be a Redskins fan , which means i wouldnt of been going to Redskins games since i was 5! Thank you mom and dad I couldnt of been adopted by a more loving family, and i am very thankful for that! Once i found out i was adopted, i didnt even care who my biological parents were becasue my life couldnt of been any better otherwise! GL with what ever you decide to do man!

[gbear]

My wife and I foster medically fragile kids. We're hoping the first little girl we fostered is one we will be able to adopt. She's been with us for all but one day (this past weekend when my wife got a B&B for us and we went hiking) since she got out of the hospital 17 months ago. She doesn't know anyone else but us as her parents.

That said, we do have bio visits with her family, and if we adopt I would hope they would continue. Knowing where you come from is important, even if where you come from isn't mom and dad.

As for experience, I will say I find the foster care system both rewarding and incredibly frustrating. It's easy to say "give them the best when you can while you can." It's a lot harder watching them put back in situations where their parents and thus they are set up to fail. It's enough to make me scream sometimes to see plans to put a sick kid back with the parents who mistreated them and still can't speak to the doctors. Grrrr. :doh:

The bit about moving kids from one location to another because of counties fighting over funding doesn't sit to well either. Let the kids have a "home" not just a place to lay their head that is different from where they were last night.

All of that said, the kiss goodnight followed by "night night" from my 2 year old is priceless jusst like the huge grin the greets me when I take her out of her crib in the morning. It's the small moments that make the frustration worth it.

[Idaho fan]

My parents had six kids, then when there youngest was probably a junior in high school, they adopted two sistes (3 and 5 at the time). They are know both in high school (senior and junior). I know at times it has been hard for them (things were more complicated due to their ages in some ways I think), but now they have two nice, smart, well adjusted kids. I was in my last year in college when the adoption happened and moved after that so don't have a lot of personal stories to tell, but it always seemed to me the key was to be honest (they had to because especially the oldest clearly understood things were changing), to love them, and be clear and vocal about it. I do think the age difference between those of us that were natural and them made things a little easier in some ways because there could be no direct comparision (and if they knew enough to make a direct comparision, they'd realize it they had it easy; my parents have become softees).

Yea, our plan is to be very open and honest with her - she will always know that she was adopted. We have an "open adoption" meaning that we talk with the birth mother once in a while, send photos etc... I want to be sure that Sadie always knows that she was not abandond or not loved by her birth mom. I know from others that adopting older children can often times be much more difficult because of attachment issues. As I mentioned we were originally hoping to adopt from Russia which would have meant a 3-5 year old child. Glad to hear that everything has worked out for your family. To already have 4 kids and then adopt 2 more is unique! Your parents must be amazing people. I bet they don't look at their adopting like they were doing it to "help out these girls" - They just felt the need for more children. People will sometimes tell us how great we are for deciding to adopt but we just wanted a daughter - we were happy to be giving a little girl a loving home who needed one - but we just wanted a daughter.

[Idaho fan]

No expierence with adopting, other than i was adopted.

If i hadnt been adopted by my parents, i probably would NOT be a Redskins fan , which means i wouldnt of been going to Redskins games since i was 5! Thank you mom and dad I couldnt of been adopted by a more loving family, and i am very thankful for that! Once i found out i was adopted, i didnt even care who my biological parents were becasue my life couldnt of been any better otherwise! GL with what ever you decide to do man!

Sounds like you had great parents! I hope my daughter will say similar things about me when she is grown. She will obviously be raised with a love for the burgundy and gold!

[Idaho fan]

My wife and I foster medically fragile kids. We're hoping the first little girl we fostered is one we will be able to adopt. She's been with us for all but one day (this past weekend when my wife got a B&B for us and we went hiking) since she got out of the hospital 17 months ago. She doesn't know anyone else but us as her parents.

That said, we do have bio visits with her family, and if we adopt I would hope they would continue. Knowing where you come from is important, even if where you come from isn't mom and dad.

As for experience, I will say I find the foster care system both rewarding and incredibly frustrating. It's easy to say "give them the best when you can while you can." It's a lot harder watching them put back in situations where their parents and thus they are set up to fail. It's enough to make me scream sometimes to see plans to put a sick kid back with the parents who mistreated them and still can't speak to the doctors. Grrrr. :doh:

The bit about moving kids from one location to another because of counties fighting over funding doesn't sit to well either. Let the kids have a "home" not just a place to lay their head that is different from where they were last night.

All of that said, the kiss goodnight followed by "night night" from my 2 year old is priceless jusst like the huge grin the greets me when I take her out of her crib in the morning. It's the small moments that make the frustration worth it.

Wow...

I have talked with several foster parents and they all have some of the same frustrations that you mention.

I am a hockey coach and last year one little boy (5 yr. old) really wanted to play hockey. He was with some foster parents I knew and they started bringing him to practice. He did not know how to skate and was so shy that when I spoke to him he would look down and away from me. Eventually he began to trust me and also learned how to skate and play hockey. He began to open up to the other kids and I could tell he really enjoyed practice. My team played several games and while his name never showed up on the score sheet, I don't remember a kid having a bigger smile than he did. He just loved it and was such a great kid to coach. By the end of the year he was not shy at all! He would tease me, goof off with the other kids etc... He was thriving in his foster home and I could see his transformation on the ice as well. I did not see him around over the Summer and hoped that he would be at hocky sign ups a couple weeks ago. He was not there. I asked his foster parents and I was saddend to hear that he had been placed back with his parents who were abusive to him again and he had been placed (again) in another foster care program. I wonder what kind of life this boy will have. How can he trust? It kills me - kids deserve so much more from "adults".

Anyway, I thank you for what you do! I can only imagine ho difficult being a foster parent must be. I don't think I could do it. I hope that everything will work out for you and this little girl. I really hope that you are able to adopt her - she deserves a loving home which you would obviously provide.

[TheJoe1013]

I am adopted. I was adopted before birth. I found out when I was about 4 I think. I remember the day like it was yesterday, but I am hazy on how old I was. My parents felt that was the earliest I could grasp and understand the implications of being adopted.

The only specific I'd like to share is that when I found out, my parents didn't sit me down somewhere and lead me in a discussion about it or anything. I just sort of walked into it. I was asking my mom about the birth of my older siblings, time of day and premature or late etc... I worked my way down from oldest to me. When I asked about me is when she told me I was adopted. I think something more formal and better planned would have been appreciated. But no worries, and I am not even sure that had it been more formal it wouldve been any less shocking.

I tihnk one big point made was I wasn't given up because I wasn't loved. My birth parents were graduating high school and couldnt care for a child at that time. The other big point made was I had been with my parents since day 1 and they are my parents. They weren't just caretakers or guardians but my parents, i mean I call them my parents and the others are my "birth parents". I've never had the desire to meet my birth parents. I understand what they did and am glad they made the right decision. But, they aren't my parents.

I hope some of this helps Idaho Fan, and I am glad to hear about the adoption of your daughter. Best of luck to you.

[China]

Interesting timing on this post. We are in the process of adopting a girl with special needs (she has a cleft palate) from China. It has been a long process. We started 20 months ago (at that time we were told it takes about a year from when you got your paperwork into the Chinese government to when you pick up your child). We completed our homestudy and filed our dossier with China 15 months ago. We got the referral for the specific child 1 year ago (last October). We received pre-approval notification last January. At that time we were told that the standard was that you travel to pick up your child typically 4 months after receiving pre-approval (so we were anticipating travelling last May). Well May comes and goes and we're left wondering what's taking so long. China had changed their policies and procedures for adopting and somehow we got caught in the wash. So we kept pestering the adoption agency, and they couldn't get China to move any faster. We finally got approval yesterday. We will be travelling in the beginning of November to pick her up. Finally! (Total time will be approximately 21 months).

To me all this red tape really only harms the child because her new and better life is delayed. We know she will have speech issues what with her cleft palate and switching languages, so the sooner we could have started working with her the better off she would be.

Oh well, we're still at the beginning of this journey. At least we're not still waiting like other families. We know that for non-special needs kids in China that the waiting time is at least 20 months from when they file their dossier with China, which means their whole process is taking more than 2 years. You'd think with all the people they have in China they could throw some manpower at the problem and speed things up a bit.

[gbear]

Special needs from China is supposed to be extremely dificult. Oddly I'd heard it was harder than normal adoptions from China.

Do you still have to fill out all of the medical questions about yourself? I know when my wife and I briefly looked at it, we knew we weren't "qualified" as I have MS. Somehow life with a full time nurse and a dad who brings home decent money was deemed less valuable than life in a group home there. We'd also heard that they wouldn't addopt a kid out after a certain age (very young). Can yo ustill get the same girl you were planning around? Do you still have to keep yourself fit? I know they had a BMI qualification a few years ago.

In any event, I'm impressed. Good for you on the adoption front, and double kudos for going for a special needs child. Just curious, what prompted the over seas adoption? Was it to be easier than here (which I am amazed at how dificult it is here)?

[Idaho fan]

I am adopted. I was adopted before birth. I found out when I was about 4 I think. I remember the day like it was yesterday, but I am hazy on how old I was. My parents felt that was the earliest I could grasp and understand the implications of being adopted.

The only specific I'd like to share is that when I found out, my parents didn't sit me down somewhere and lead me in a discussion about it or anything. I just sort of walked into it. I was asking my mom about the birth of my older siblings, time of day and premature or late etc... I worked my way down from oldest to me. When I asked about me is when she told me I was adopted. I think something more formal and better planned would have been appreciated. But no worries, and I am not even sure that had it been more formal it wouldve been any less shocking.

I tihnk one big point made was I wasn't given up because I wasn't loved. My birth parents were graduating high school and couldnt care for a child at that time. The other big point made was I had been with my parents since day 1 and they are my parents. They weren't just caretakers or guardians but my parents, i mean I call them my parents and the others are my "birth parents". I've never had the desire to meet my birth parents. I understand what they did and am glad they made the right decision. But, they aren't my parents.

I hope some of this helps Idaho Fan, and I am glad to hear about the adoption of your daughter. Best of luck to you.

Thanks for posting!

How and when to tell Sadie that she was adopted is something we think about often... I think I would prefer that she always remembers knowing so that it is not a shock to her. As in your case, her birth mother did not think she could raise her and give her the life that an adoptive family could. I will always make sure she knows that she was first loved by her birth mother and that she was not abandond. It is nice to hear that you think of your adoptive parents as well your parents... I remember wondering if I could love Sadie like my bio boys... Well I held her for the first time when she was about 15 minutes old and quickly found out the answer was obviously YES! Thanks again for the post.

[China]

Special needs from China is supposed to be extremely dificult. Oddly I'd heard it was harder than normal adoptions from China.

Do you still have to fill out all of the medical questions about yourself? I know when my wife and I briefly looked at it, we knew we weren't "qualified" as I have MS. Somehow life with a full time nurse and a dad who brings home decent money was deemed less valuable than life in a group home there. We'd also heard that they wouldn't addopt a kid out after a certain age (very young). Can yo ustill get the same girl you were planning around? Do you still have to keep yourself fit? I know they had a BMI qualification a few years ago.

In any event, I'm impressed. Good for you on the adoption front, and double kudos for going for a special needs child. Just curious, what prompted the over seas adoption? Was it to be easier than here (which I am amazed at how dificult it is here)?

Yes we had to fill out all of the medical questions and get a physical. We are still getting the same child we got the referral for last October. I think they still have the BMI qualification which I am still under. Overseas because a) it is easier, and we chose China because we wanted a girl and that's primarily what is available from China because of their culture and single child policies.

[stoshuaj]

I was adopted. Thanks Mom and Pop.

I love you both