NASMTrainer Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 NM, after I posted it I figured it might upset somebody (people with no sense of humor) so I got rid of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadMonkey Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by Skin-N-NY NM, after I posted it I figured it might upset somebody (people with no sense of humor) so I got rid of it. Well I'll stand in then.... I pirate walks into a bar, when he gets up to the bar to order his drink , the bartender says to him....Hey you have a steering wheel in your pants!! The Pirate responds with ...Yeah it's drivin me nutts!! :puke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 It's the day before holloween, and Mrs Jones third day class had to think of a costume for the next day as their homework. The next day, all the kids are dressed up, and Mrs Jones has them standing up one at a time to show off their work. When little Mikey's turn comes around, he stands up and is completely naked, except for a hollowed out potato tied over his tallywacker. In shock, Mrs Jones asks........................."Mikey, and just what are you suposed to be?" Mikey smiles and says............... "you didn't know Mrs Jones.......................I'm a dick-tator." :doh: :doh: :doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsFTW Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Why don't witches wear panties? Better grip on the broom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeavyHitta31 Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 How do you keep a Redskin from masturbating? Paint his dick silver and blue and he wont beat it for 7 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coach Williams Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by HeavyHitta31 How do you keep a Redskin from masturbating? Paint his d*ck silver and blue and he wont beat it for 7 years. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :puke: :puke: :puke: :finger: :finger: :finger: that was the funniest joke ever .......( that was making fun of me ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsFTW Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by HeavyHitta31 How do you keep a Redskin from masturbating? Paint his dick silver and blue and he wont beat it for 7 years. Cowboy MVP's for 2 of their 3 SB wins in the 90's: Thurman Thomas and Neil Odonnell. This seasons Cowboy MVP: The referee. Michael Irvins vote for MVP: 8 ball http://espn.go.com/nfl/news/2001/0618/1215598.html Nate Newtons vote for MVP: 213 pounds of wacky tobacky http://espn.go.com/nfl/news/2001/1106/1274238.html Leon Lett: http://www.texnews.com/cowboys/tarnished120696.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coach Williams Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 :whoknows:....... um.... :offtopic:..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams... pushes on her ankle and screams, and so it goes. No matter where she touches, her agony is apparent. After some thought, the doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde". She sheepishly admits that indeed, she is a blonde. "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HBPride Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 an English guy, scottish guy and an irish guy walk in to a pub and all order a guinness...as soon as they get their beer a fly flies into the foam of each pint...the english guy pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one, the scottish guy takes the fly out and starts drinkin his beer...the irish guy takes the fly out and looks at it then screams "SPIT IT OUT YOU ****!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDiplomat Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDiplomat Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I got this crazy new car stereo the other day," a man says to his friend. "It even has voice-recognition." "How's it work?" his buddy asks. "Easy," the man replies. "You shout 'soul' and you get soul; shout 'rock; and it finds a rock station. "That's great!" the friend says. "Great? It's amazing," the man replies. "Yesterday some kid ran out in front of the car. I yelled out '****ing kids!' and next thing i know, I'm listening to Thriller!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeSkins Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 What does going down on an 85 year-old woman taste like? depends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cfujskins Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 A mother who is in the hospital just gave birth to twins, both a boy and a girl. Exhausted from the child birth, she was knocked out sleep until she woke up. She then called the doctor in and demanded to see her children so she could name them. The doctor told her that was not possible because her brother has been at the hospital and he already took the initiative to name them. "You did not allow me to name my own children!?" she replied, "And the worst part is that you allowed, of all people, my BROTHER to do it!!" "Well what did he name the girl?" the woman said in a more calm voice. "He name her Denise" the doctor replied. "Oh, that's not too bad" said the woman. "and the boy?" asked the woman The doctor answerd "Denephew" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Sassy Molassy Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by Fred21Smoot Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." That's hilarious! Originally posted by JoeSkins What does going down on an 85 year-old woman taste like? depends :puke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leaping lizzy Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 A little old lady, near the end of her days, sat in her rocker on the front porch. A genie appeared and told her she was to be granted three wishes. So she looked at her hands and said "Make me a young beautiful princess" and her wish was granted. Now for the second wish. She looked around and thought about her old rocking chair and asked the genie to turn her chair to solid gold. The wish was granted. "Now" said the genie "What is your final wish?" The old lady looked around and saw her cat come up onto the porch. "Turn my cat into a handsome prince. " Poof the genie granted her last wish. She looked at the handsome prince and smiled and asked him for a kiss. He leaned over to kiss her and whispered in her ear "I bet you regret having me neutered now" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDiplomat Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you mother ****ers, who want off, get the f**k off now....cause this is the last stop! And all of you assholes gettin on, get your asses on the train....cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B*tch in the kitchen..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning. Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife. Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the heck was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDiplomat Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by China Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the heck was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." Grossly Funny :puke: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Subject: Lesson Learned... According to a news report, a certain school in Haileybury, Ontario ,was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: There are teachers, and then there are Educators. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkLadyRaven Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Yeah a dumping ground for all my Econ Majors Jokes:D Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen. A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. A4. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. A5. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!! A5. None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium. Of course my personal fav: Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDiplomat Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 What a woman says, what she really means... I need = I want We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper... I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry I was wrong = Not as wrong as you Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDiplomat Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 What a man says, what he really means... I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now? You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different! I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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