Jokes

[Riggo-toni]

Fellow Skins fans,<br />On a somewhat lighter note to other topics in this section, I thought maybe we could all post a joke or two.<br /><br />What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?<br />Full.<br /><br />A teenage boy and girl are hanging out in an empty classroom during recess. The girl leans over to the guy and whispers, "Hey, do you wanna play Doctor?"<br />The guy responds, "Nah, that's too old fashioned. Spit out your gum, cuz I wanna play President." <img border="0" alt="[sexy]" title="" src="graemlins/sexy.gif" /> <br /><br />And since we can't have a post here that doesn't offend our Wahhabi Skins man Kefka in some way:<br /><br />Israeli Prime Minister Sharon calls in his Defense Minister to his office for breakfast. "I've had it!" Sharon screams. "The Arabs are mobilizing to wage war on us again. As soon as we finish breakfast, I want you to lead our army into battle and destroy the Egyptian, Syrian, and Saudi armies!"<br />"No problem," the defense minister replies. "We'll start first thing this morning. Just one question."<br />"Yes, what?"<br />"Will you have anything left for me to do after lunch?" <img border="0" alt="[laugh]" title="" src="graemlins/laugh.gif" />

[Om]

Rodney Dangerfield One Liners:<br /><br />1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.<br /><br />2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.<br /><br />3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.<br /><br />4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."<br /><br />5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.<br /><br />6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.<br /><br />7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.<br /><br />8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.<br /><br />9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.<br /><br />10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."<br /><br />(More to come ... )

[OrangeSkin]

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKE IS R RATED, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.<br /><br />There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long<br />business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he<br />thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while<br />he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her<br />screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys<br />and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex<br />doll, but that was too close to another man for him.<br /><br />He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something<br />special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man<br />behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man<br />said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the<br />trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,<br />but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for<br />weeks, except -- " and he stopped.<br /><br />"Except what?" the man asked.<br /><br />"Nothing, nothing."<br /><br />"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"<br /><br />"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the<br />'voodoo dick.'"<br /><br />"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.<br /><br />The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old<br />wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there<br />lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and<br />said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this<br />shop!"<br /><br />The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."<br />He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The<br />voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and<br />started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the<br />vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the<br />door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in<br />your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and<br />lay there, quiescent once more.<br /><br />"I'll take it!" said the businessman.<br /><br />The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally<br />surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,<br />told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had<br />to do was say "Voodoo dick, my ***** ." He left for his trip<br />satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.<br /><br />After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.<br />She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,<br />but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and<br />said "Voodoo dick, my ***** !" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch<br />and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever<br />experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had<br />enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still<br />thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing<br />worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.<br />So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.<br />She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to<br />the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the<br />way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she<br />was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and<br />then asked how much she'd had to drink.<br /><br />Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been<br />drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her ***** , and<br />wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,<br />and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my a$s !"<br /> <br /> <small>[ March 15, 2002, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: OrangeSkin ]</small>

[Kefka]

Here are some nice 'jokes' about the US and Bush.<br /><br /> <a href="http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/IranAxisEvil/main.asp" target="_blank">"Jokes"</a>

[PCS]

Om, you can't fail with Rodney. Riggo and Orange, I'll tell them like they were my own. Love 'em.<br /><br />Here you go Kefka.<br /><br /><a href="http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/BinnysBurka/main.asp" target="_blank">http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/BinnysBurka/main.asp</a><br /><br />Man walks into a bar with an alligator one day and walks up to the bar. This of course draws the attention of the rest of the patrons. Having their attention already the man speaks.<br />"I will bet $500.00 that I can stick my d**k into this Alligators mouth, have it close it's mouth for 1 minute, and I will not have even a mark to show for it."<br />The patrons all look at each other, and after a short discussion, agree to the bet. <br /><br />The man unzips his pants and places "mr. happy" into the alligator's open mouth. He then snaps his finger and the alligator closes its mouth. After a minute has passed, the man picks up a beer bottle off the bar and smashes it over the alligators head. The alligator opens its mouth and the man pulls himself out, without a mark to show.<br />The patrons and bartender pay the man. He the says to the crowd;" I'll gladly pay anyone $200.00 that can do the same". There is silence in the bar for a few moments, with the patrons looking at each other. Finally, an attractive blond in the back raises her hand. "Yes my dear?" asks the man.<br /><br />The women stands up and says;" I'll try it. But you have to promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle".

[Kefka]

Hey Park City Skin,<br /><br />Yeah that is funny... the US still CAN'T find Osama bin Laden.

[PCS]

Yes. That would be because he is running and/or hiding. Or buried already. Let's see. How does that go? Oh yea.<br /><br />" Now men. I'll be behind you. That way when we have to retreat, I'll be leading you". Or something like that.

[PCS]

K. No sense of humor I guess. Let's continue this joke thread. (please feel free to place comments about other tailgate threads here.)<br /><br />3 nuns are on the side of a road,(sorry mardi),beside their car which has a flat tire. None of the three are experienced in changing tires. Fortunatly, a a man driving a semi stops to give the nuns assistance.<br /><br />"Thankyou kind sir for your help", the oldest of the nuns says. "no problem" says the truck driver. He then gets to work on the flat tire.<br />As he tries to jack the car up off the ground, the handle gives way and he smashes his knuckles on the ground. "Son of a Bit**", he exclaims. <br /><br />The older nun looks at the truck driver and says" really sir, would you mind watching your language? We are nuns you know."<br /><br />"Sorry sister. I just get mad sometimes". He then tries to jack the car up again, and again, the bar slips and his knuckles smash against the ground."Son of a Bit**" he exclaims again" <br /><br />"Sir. Please. Watch your language".<br /><br />"Sorry sister. I just get upset sometimes and it slips".<br /><br />Sure enough, it happens again. "Son of a Bit**" he exclaims again.<br />"Sir. If you continue to use such language I will ask you to stop assisting us and leave. I'm sure someone else will drive by that can help us."<br /><br />"Sorry sister. It..well...just lipped again".<br />"Well" the older nun responds, " If it happens again, simply say Jesus help me". <br /><br />The man smiles and tries to jack the car up once again. And again the bar gives way. <br />"Son of a..... er I mean... Jesus Help Me!".<br />All of a sudden the car raises and hovers in the air.<br />The nuns, stunned and staring at the car, turn, look at the truck driver and exclaim;<br />"Son of a Bit**"<br /> <br /> <small>[ March 16, 2002, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: Park City Skins ]</small>

[Riggo-toni]

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a<br /> beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:<br /> A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman<br /> B. 2 French men and 1 French woman<br /> C. 2 German men and 1 German woman<br /> D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman<br /> E. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman<br /> F. 2 American men and 1 American woman<br /> G. 2 English men and 1 English woman<br /> H. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman<br /> <br /> One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:<br /> A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.<br /> <br /> B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.<br /> <br /> C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.<br /> <br /> D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.<br /> <br /> E. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.<br /> <br /> F. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is ****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fullfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her<br />much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.<br /> <br /> G. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.<br /> <br /> H. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do<br /> not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not<br /> getting any.

[Kefka]

That last one was hilarious. Albeight sterotypical. <img border="0" title="" alt="[smile]" src="smile.gif" />

[PCS]

Ok, another "stereotypical" joke.<br /><br />3 men,an Englishman,an American,and an Irishman, walk into an Irish pub. All 3 order a pint. By coincidence there is a fly in each of their pints. The Englishman looks at his pint in disgust and says," I will not drink this".<br />The American looks down and then drinks the pint, fly and all.<br />The Irishman looks at his pint, reaches into it and pulls the fly out. He then shakes the fly and says:"Spit it out!"<br /><br /> Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. "I'm sorry dear," said John, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat." <br />Jill replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear." <br />"OK darling," said John, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news." <br />"Okay," agreed Jill. "Well, the air bag works!" <br /><br />Man rolls over in bed one night and starts to rub his wife's arm. She looks at him and says:" I'm sorry honey, not tonight. I have a Gynacologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh." Rejected and dejected, the man rolls back over. <br />He stares ahead, ponders for a moment, then rolls back over. He looks at his wife and asks:" You don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow do you?"

[Montilar]

Here's one I saw somewhere and kept track of:<br /><br />A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a<br />sip." So, the next Sunday, the priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:<br /><br />1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.<br />2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.<br />3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.<br />4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.<br />5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *** .<br />6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.<br />7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.<br />8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.<br />9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *** .<br />10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".<br />11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me".<br />12. The Virgin Mary is not called, "Mary with the Cherry."<br />13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.<br />14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Pete's.

[Die Hard]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."<br /><br />The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."<br /><br />"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.<br /><br />"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"<br /><br />"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and, the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."<br /><br />The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."<br /><br />"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"<br /><br />"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault"

[Riggo-toni]

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.<br /><br /> While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"<br /><br /> "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.<br /><br /> Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every ****pit at LGA was running high.<br />Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"<br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /> The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"<br /><br /> Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."<br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.<br /><br /> San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway,if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."<br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /> It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC<br /> Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."<br /><br /> Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."<br /><br /> KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"<br /><br /> Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."<br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."<br /><br /> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."<br /><br /> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"<br /><br /> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."<br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":<br /><br /> Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."<br /><br /> Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."<br /><br /> The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.<br /><br /> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vere you are going?"<br /><br /> Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."<br /><br /> Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"<br /><br /> Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."<br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /> O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."<br /><br /> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."<br /><br /> A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:<br /><br /> Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"<br /><br /> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."<br /><br /> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"<br /><br /> Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[PCS]

Monlitar,D.H. and riggo-toni...... <img border="0" alt="[laugh]" title="" src="graemlins/laugh.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[notworthy]" title="" src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[jump]" title="" src="graemlins/jumping.gif" />

[Glenn X]

MPAA Rating: “R” for strong sci-fi violence, language and sexuality/nudity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> <br /><br />Superman flies high out over some unknown ocean, surveying the blue vastness and smiling contentedly. For this brief moment, all is right with the world and no one needs his assistance.<br /><br />Looking down, he spots a tiny figure on a lone desert island. Recognizing this to be Wonder Woman’s island, he employs his X-ray vision to scope out the figure on the beach. It is Wonder Woman, and she is laid out on the sand nekkid as a jaybird!<br /><br />A smirk creases Superman’s face as he considers the possibilities. “If I’m fast enough, she’d never know,” surmises the Man of Steel. “I could use my impossibly fast speed and reflexes to get an off-the-record quickie from ol’ W.W., and she’d never be the wiser.”<br /><br />Supes chuckles to himself and zooms downward.<br /><br />A microsecond later, Superman is long gone, flying fast as hell away from the scene of the crime.<br /><br />“What the hell was that,” asks a bewildered Wonder Woman.<br /><br />“I don’t know, but my @ss sure hurts,” exclaims the Invisible Man.

[Henry]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS<br />Smart man + smart woman = romance<br />Smart man + dumb woman = affair<br />Dumb man + smart woman = marriage<br />Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy<br /><br />SHOPPING MATH<br />A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.<br />A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.<br /><br />GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS<br />A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.<br />A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.<br />A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.<br />A successful woman is one who can find such a man.<br /><br />HAPPINESS<br />To be happy with a man, <br />you must understand him a lot and love him a little.<br />To be happy with a woman, <br />you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.<br /><br />MEMORY<br />Any married man should forget his mistakes, <br />there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.<br /><br />APPEARANCE<br />Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.<br />Women somehow deteriorate during the night.<br /><br />PROPENSITY TO CHANGE<br />A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.<br />A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.<br /><br />DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE<br />A woman has the last word in any argument. <br />Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[Riggo-toni]

Bumber Stickers:<br /><br />1. My President slept with your Honor Roll Student.<br /><br />2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.<br /><br />3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.<br /><br />4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?<br /><br />5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.<br /><br />6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.<br /><br />7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, maybe You Could<br />Drive A Little Better.<br /><br />8. Your Kid May Be an Honor Roll Student, But You're Still an Idiot!<br /><br />9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.<br /><br />10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.<br /><br />11. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.<br /><br />12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard<br />Feelings".<br /><br />13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.<br /><br />14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.<br /><br />15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose,But Where You Put The Booger.<br /><br />16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My *** .<br /><br />17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me<br /><br />18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home<br /><br />19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha<br /><br />20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't<br />Happening To Me.<br /><br />21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time<br /><br />22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult<br /><br />23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?<br /><br />24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name<br /><br />25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway<br /><br />26. Illiterate? Write For Help<br /><br />27. Honk If my wife Falls Off<br /><br />28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes<br /><br />29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.<br /><br />30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person<br /><br />31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!<br /><br />32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To<br /><br />33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This<br />Handbasket?<br /><br />37. If Sex Is A Pain In The *** , Then You're Doing<br />It Wrong...<br /><br />38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!<br /><br />39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [seen Upside Down On A Jeep]<br /><br />40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.<br /><br />41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge<br /><br />42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hutt?<br /><br />43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack<br />Open A Cold one.<br /><br />44. Ax Me About Ebonics<br /><br />45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel<br /><br />46. Boldly Going Nowhere<br /><br />47. Cat: The Other White Meat<br /><br />48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde<br /><br />49. Don't Be Sexist - ****es Hate That<br /><br />50. Heart Attacks ...God's Revenge For Eating His<br />Animal Friends.<br /><br />51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window<br /><br />52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?<br /><br />53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance,<br />Riddle Them With Bullets.<br /><br />54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch<br /><br />55. Saw It ... Wanted It...Had A Fit ... Got It!<br /><br />56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.<br /><br />57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.<br /><br />58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.<br /><br />59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them<br /><br />60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.<br /><br />61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.<br /><br />62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.<br /><br />63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.<br /><br />64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?<br /><br />65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

[Montilar]

Two more bumper stickers for you:<br /><br />1) If you must smoke, please don't exhale.<br /><br />2) Beam me up Scottie, there's no sex life down here.