tex Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third Grade. Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy? A: A hundred dollar bill. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air pockets. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking. A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done." Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veteranarian? A: Because she loved children. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt? A: A brain tumor. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: How do blonde brain cells die ? A: Alone. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an iq of 125? A: a foursome. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid? A: She wanted to go on a round trip. Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? A: She thought it was diet coke. Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Utah Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Uh oh. :doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondie Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 HA. You do realize I KNOW where Alpine is. ;) ;) Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarhog Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 I imagine he's counting on it :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Wouldn't be counting on it with this in mind. :laugh: http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=24718 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redman Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Originally posted by TXfbluvr You do realize I KNOW where Alpine is. I didn't realize that you knew Mr. Pine. (rim shot) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 redman ... :doh: All that was missing was the two drum beats and the cymbal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 :laugh: :doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex Posted April 2, 2003 Author Share Posted April 2, 2003 Originally posted by TXfbluvr HA. You do realize I KNOW where Alpine is. ;) ;) Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Invisible Poster Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Into the breach ... She was so blonde that ... ... She tripped over a cordless phone. ... She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate. " ... She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ... She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ... She studied for a blood test. ... When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ... When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. ... She got stabbed in a shoot-out. ... She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. ... She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. ... She tried to drown a fish. ... She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. ... If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back. ... They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. ... She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ... At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.' ... If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. ... She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. ... She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. ... When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. ... When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ... She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. -------- Seven Degrees Of Blonde ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" ------ ... and finally A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked; "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondie Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 As much as I HATE to say this........ tex.......I don't understand. Give me a break y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . and Henry......the seven degress of blonde are posted on another thread......and I posted them. They are funny. Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Nice sig, Blondie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex Posted April 2, 2003 Author Share Posted April 2, 2003 Originally posted by TXfbluvr As much as I HATE to say this........ tex.......I don't understand. Give me a break y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . and Henry......the seven degress of blonde are posted on another thread......and I posted them. They are funny. Blondie Innocent mistake…mummy's wrath Never mind, I forgot. Lets try this again. "Innocent mistake" speaks to my perceived merry making at the expense of those that are blonde. "Mummy's wrath" = mommy's wrath…meaning I respect you and do not want suffer your wrath. I don't really live in Alpine anyway. It's just that down here Alpine is the post office that takes delivery of all the mail sent this way. At one time this was the longest mail route in the U.S. being approximately 1400 miles in length. I actually live in Terlingua, a place that more coyotes and havalina call home than people. But I digress. HTTR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Om Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 On the off chance that Ms. Blondie in fact did not fully get the mummy joke .... Methinks a certain stall-user mistook the white stuff on the floor for two-ply, and, um ... put it to use. If you know what I mean. Mummy's hate that. That is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Apologies blondie. It was the best I could come up with on short notice. Of course you get the credit. (hey, this isn't two-ply ...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Here's one someone just sent me. It's for you too, redman. ---- A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
codeorama Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 A blonde teenager goes up to her dad and asks if she can have the family car for the evening. Her dad responds..."you know what you have to do if you want the car" the blonde: "But dad, that is so gross, you can't be serious" The Dad: "well, how bad do you want the car?" The blonde thinks it over and decides that she really needs the car, there is a huge party that she HAS to go to... The Blonde: "Fine Dad, you win..." The blonde proceeds to get on her knees, unzip her dad's pants and perform oral sex... The Blonde: "OH GROSS... this tastes like $hit!!" The Dad: "Oh, I forgot, Your'e brother has the car tonight" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchogs Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 ummm, code... that's just wrong... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riggins44 Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. At the bottom of an application where it said "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "Concentrate." She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She studied for a blood test. She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." She sold the car for gas money. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes in Front" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Guys, You're repeating some the same jokes over and over in this thread :doh: Okay, here's one that's somewhat offensive, but not nearly as wrong as Code's A blonde is driving erratically. She passes a policeman, who pulls her over, and asks for her license. The cop goes back to his car and calls in the license to do a routine check for prior arrests, etc. The dispatcher asks, "Is the driver a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a Porsche 911?" "Yeah," the cop responds. "So?" "Walk over to the car, unzip your fly, and whip it out right near her face," the dispatcher instructs. The cop protests, insisting he would never do such a thing, but after a few minutes, the dispatcher convinces him. The cop walks over, gives the blonde her license back, then unzips and whips it out. "Oh no," the blonde moans. "Not ANOTHER breathalyzer test..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Om Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Truth is, I thought about deleting Code's contribution, becuase if not actually over the line, it's pretty close. Not to mention being a whole lot closer to sick than funny. Then I thought, no, maybe it's better this way. Let the joke -- and the board's reaction to it -- speak for themselves. As they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
codeorama Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 I have no problem if you delete it or want me to... I honestly had no idea that "guys" would be offended at a joke that was published in "truly gross jokes"... the title of the book does indicate that yes, it is more sick than funny. I didn't mean to offend anyone, If I did, I'm sorry, It wasn't intended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Don't sweat it Code, we're just busting your chops Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Om Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Nice response, Code, and appreciated. It was just a matter of looking out for the general "tone" of the board. We're proud of the community we have here, and the way we try to respect and look out for one another (political differences and debate notwithstanding, of course). But you know that already, so I'll just shut up now. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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