Need some advice, ex-wife and child visitation opinions

[codeorama]

I am in the pre-separation stage. We have a kid together. This is kinda hard to explain but for the moment I am making decisions based on what would my future adult kid want me to do now, in the present. Ultimately, it leads back to me giving another and another chance, etc. 

 

Maybe think not what your son wants now but what would your 30 year old son want you to do now. I dont think I explained it right. Im not sure there is any right answer when it comes to this stuff. Half of my mental thoughts in any given day is about separation and my kid. Like you, I would get primary bc she is an unemployed alcoholic but i imagine my kid (when she is grown up and looking back) would want me to keep trying, so I keep trying. 

 

 

Man... I feel for you.  I had some really dark days, not because I was upset at being divorced, but because I could not imagine not having my son every day.  I didn't/couldn't be that every other weekend dad.  Not judging anyone else, but it wasn't for me.  Since the day my son was born, I have taken care of him. My ex had a c section and had complications, she wasn't able to see him for the first 3 days.  Even after he came home, I did everything.  She worked nights, I fed him, bathed him, washed clothes etc... I was not going to let her pretend to be mom all of a sudden.

 

If you ever need to chat, hit me up anytime. You are about to possibly go through a rough time and it sucks. Talking helps. Bang actually helped me a great deal.  I'll never forget him for that.  

 

A lot depends on your situation.  For me, I knew she wasn't mom material (She changed after he was born, probably depression).  Everything I've done in my life was to make sure my son had everything he's needed.  Being a teacher, getting a master's degree, giving up a lot of relationships.  I've put him first. Its never been hard (other than money),  I have zero regrets. But I have friends that would have done things differently.

[codeorama]

I would first start by asking what you hope to accomplish? Are you trying to make it only so that your 10-year old son has the best time possible or are you hoping to help your ex forge a relationship with your son (ultimately a HUGE benefit to him)? 

 

If the former, I would follow some of the great advice in here and see if she'll come up or try to talk to her about reducing the amount of time she wants him. However, if the latter (which again seems like the ideal solution because your son gets a more engaged mother out of it), I think you need to have the difficult conversation with her about improving what she does with him when he visits. If she can be all-in for the few days per year that she has him, then maybe eventually he'll look forward to it and want to go a little more often. That's the best long-term outcome for all of you. 

 

I don't know your situation well enough to really know which of the above is the best approach, how many chances she's had to be there for him, etc. 

 

Good luck man!

 

Great post.

Selfishly, I wish she'd go away, but, For my son, I'm trying to actually help his mother to improve their time together.  I honestly feel that if she keeps going the way that she's going, he isn't going to want to have anything to do with her.   She is so selfish, she just wants him "there". She doesn't understand the difference between having him there and spending quality time with him.  That's the main issue for me.  He doesn't want to go because of how he's treated and he's miserable. I have very subtly nudged her and expressed that "it's too much time, he complains of boredom" but in a nicer way and she just claims he has a great time, which isn't true, he just doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

Like today for example, he's happy to see his grandmother, he will get to swim at the hotel pool, but, he has NO ONE to play with or interact with other than a 1 year old and  3 year old females that he will be babysitting. 

[btfoom]

Very quick background - my parents divorced when I was 10.  Dad left, but lived close.  Visited on weekends, some summers, etc.  Was rocky for a while.  Now, married 25 years (in October) and 3 kids, I see differences in what kids of divorce need vs kids w/parents together.

 

He's 10 now, so old enough to start understanding the whole picture and his role in it.  I'd first tell him that visit for a day - yes you go and do your best to interact.  Not always great, but keeping the relationship w/mom is important.

 

Anything more, I'd suggest sitting down with him, having the 'parents divorce for many reasons, not because of you, we both love you, want to see you, etc' - you probably already did.  Mention that mom, while she lives away, still loves him and wants to see him.  Then, the tough part, listen to his response, I mean REALLY listen, don't interrupt, and get an understanding of his POV.  You can see if he really doesn't want to visit her for extended time vs he's a kid who, like other 10 year olds, just likes to be in a comfortable environment.  If it is the latter, then explain that he should try to make mom's place something he likes, even if he just asks to make up his room the way he wants when he visits.  If the former, than I think you need to tell him that you respect him being so honest and give him a hug.  Now you need to step up your role as the protective dad and have a frank, concise talk with your ex. Tell her, specifically, why he doesn't want to visit (not because he's bored, but because he wakes up to no breakfast, has to watch price is right and one life to live, doesn't get to choose lunch, hates the soaps in the afternoon, can't go to pool because nobody leaves the house and afternoon talk shows suck, finally dinner is microwave junk, then some dumb reality shows before he has to go share a room with mom's 2 year old stepson, rinse and repeat, and the time down there is like a jail sentence).  She needs to know the open, honest truth.  If she won't change, well then, you are going to back him up and he's not going.  Is that tough, sure it is, but that's part of the whole parent "bag".  Maybe she doesn't realize why he gets bored and doesn't like it.  Hopefully it all helps.  But in the end, your relationship with him is FAR more important than your relationship with her.

[codeorama]

Very quick background - my parents divorced when I was 10.  Dad left, but lived close.  Visited on weekends, some summers, etc.  Was rocky for a while.  Now, married 25 years (in October) and 3 kids, I see differences in what kids of divorce need vs kids w/parents together.

 

He's 10 now, so old enough to start understanding the whole picture and his role in it.  I'd first tell him that visit for a day - yes you go and do your best to interact.  Not always great, but keeping the relationship w/mom is important.

 

Anything more, I'd suggest sitting down with him, having the 'parents divorce for many reasons, not because of you, we both love you, want to see you, etc' - you probably already did.  Mention that mom, while she lives away, still loves him and wants to see him.  Then, the tough part, listen to his response, I mean REALLY listen, don't interrupt, and get an understanding of his POV.  You can see if he really doesn't want to visit her for extended time vs he's a kid who, like other 10 year olds, just likes to be in a comfortable environment.  If it is the latter, then explain that he should try to make mom's place something he likes, even if he just asks to make up his room the way he wants when he visits.  If the former, than I think you need to tell him that you respect him being so honest and give him a hug.  Now you need to step up your role as the protective dad and have a frank, concise talk with your ex. Tell her, specifically, why he doesn't want to visit (not because he's bored, but because he wakes up to no breakfast, has to watch price is right and one life to live, doesn't get to choose lunch, hates the soaps in the afternoon, can't go to pool because nobody leaves the house and afternoon talk shows suck, finally dinner is microwave junk, then some dumb reality shows before he has to go share a room with mom's 2 year old stepson, rinse and repeat, and the time down there is like a jail sentence).  She needs to know the open, honest truth.  If she won't change, well then, you are going to back him up and he's not going.  Is that tough, sure it is, but that's part of the whole parent "bag".  Maybe she doesn't realize why he gets bored and doesn't like it.  Hopefully it all helps.  But in the end, your relationship with him is FAR more important than your relationship with her.

 

 

Great post and advice.. Thank you.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

Great post.

Selfishly, I wish she'd go away, but, For my son, I'm trying to actually help his mother to improve their time together.  I honestly feel that if she keeps going the way that she's going, he isn't going to want to have anything to do with her.   She is so selfish, she just wants him "there". She doesn't understand the difference between having him there and spending quality time with him.  That's the main issue for me.  He doesn't want to go because of how he's treated and he's miserable. I have very subtly nudged her and expressed that "it's too much time, he complains of boredom" but in a nicer way and she just claims he has a great time, which isn't true, he just doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

Like today for example, he's happy to see his grandmother, he will get to swim at the hotel pool, but, he has NO ONE to play with or interact with other than a 1 year old and  3 year old females that he will be babysitting. 

 

It sucks for him, but I think you're doing the right thing by trying to help her and not just catering to what he wants in the short-term. You're 100% right though...it's time for her to step up her game because 10 isn't too far away from when this will become HIS decision and not yours. You can only force him to spend time with her for a couple more years (I would think). 

 

I would have the blunt conversation with her and let her know that she needs to be engaged with him and make things fun for him. She has 345 days per year to do what she wants.

[Elessar78]

Do just that: have the talk without being a total ass. Don't throw in the barbs about her choosing to move away. Lay out the facts that your son doesn't have a good time. 

 

The reality is that she will probably get salty when this is pointed out. Be prepared and be prepared to keep taking the high road. And constantly remind her that "we" are all trying to move to a good solution for all parties. 

 

Has she ever asked him what kinds of things he wants to do when he is with her. Or what he finds fun in general? 

 

Also, push the idea of quality not quantity. 3 amazing days is better than 14 days with 72 hours of good times sprinkled in the mix. 

[Predicto]

A lot of people with a lot of good advice here.

 

As (not) your lawyer, I want to add one thing.   I do NOT recommend escalating things, or bringing in the legal system unless you absolutely have to.   Family law disputes harden both sides, are extremely expensive, time consuming and disruptive, and are very hard on the child.  

 

Do what is best for your son, but keep it between you and your ex, and perhaps her parents (if you think that would be useful). 

[grhqofb5]

No seriously, why not just emphasize to the grandmother that you'll bring him to the hotel during the day, and you'll pick him up at night because he likes to sleep in his own bed.  Even offer to have the cousins come to your house overnight if they are old enough.  If he as sports team commitments, tell them that he has to attend those but they are free to come.  Its only 3 days.  Maybe even suggest a couple places they can take him because you "know the area." Places like outdoor pools, whatever.  If he has a friend that wants to tag along, maybe that would work too.

 

For the wife, Just tell her to **** off. .....  Seriously though, the sports team participation is important here.  Let her know that his sports are very important to him, and that he'll lost his position if he has to leave for 2 weeks.  I remember playing summer baseball when i was 12, it was pretty damn important and it was tournament time then.  Can't imagine picking up and leaving for 3 weeks.  Tell her she can have him for a week, then she can come up here to stay in a hotel or something.  As far as flying goes, airlines offer "escorts" for children too young to fly alone, so ask about that.  Might be less expensive and definitely less time consuming for you. 

[codeorama]

 

 

Has she ever asked him what kinds of things he wants to do when he is with her. Or what he finds fun in general? 

 

 

 

 

NO.

She is the kind of POS that thinks that she knows best and what kills me, she actually acts as if she has had a part in raising him. She has not at all.  Her participation is less than 2% over his life. Even in the first 2 years of his life while we were married, she did little to nothing. Now she's mom of the year.  I would LOVE to just blast her and tell her what I really think,but I just play the game.  It sucks.

 

 

UPDATE:

 

My son spent Friday and Saturday with the grandmother and sister in law and 2 small kids.  He loves his grandmother. I have no problem with her. She's a good person, but here's how the weekend went:

 

Friday, they didn't even take him out to eat.  Just swam at the hotel pool then sat in the room entertaining the 2 kids. (ages 1 and 3).

Saturday, they went to Water Country.  IN my son's words, "Water Country sucked.  I couldn't do anything because I had to watch the 3 year old".

Basically, the sister in law kept the 1 year old.  My son was assigned the responsibility of staying with the 3 year old at a huge water park with tons of people.  Wow.  I'm just stunned.  Luckily, my son is more intelligent than his mother and her entire family put together.  He literally just sat in shallow water at the wave pool and kept the 3 year old within arms length and when the waves started, he took her out and tried to entertain her while she cried.  

He asked the grandmother if she could take him to other areas so he could do a few things.  Nope.  She said he was old enough to go alone.  He declined.

 

You have no idea how pissed I am.

[Xameil]

Jeez Code, sounds more like they wanted him to be a baby sitter rather then be a kid at a water park...

As for the Florida thing...no way should he have to leave the activities he loves behind for 2 weeks. I think you should have her goto Virginia to visit. Then she can actually goto some of his games as well. Then if she wants him to visit her for a long weekend then he can do that with the promise that she takes him to fun places and not just sit in front of the TV. If she breaks her promise to him, then he doesn't have to go down there anymore.

[codeorama]

Jeez Code, sounds more like they wanted him to be a baby sitter rather then be a kid at a water park...

As for the Florida thing...no way should he have to leave the activities he loves behind for 2 weeks. I think you should have her goto Virginia to visit. Then she can actually goto some of his games as well. Then if she wants him to visit her for a long weekend then he can do that with the promise that she takes him to fun places and not just sit in front of the TV. If she breaks her promise to him, then he doesn't have to go down there anymore.

 

 

Yeah, its becoming a pattern. They don't understand that its not fun for him to be a babysitter.  The part that scares me is what if something had happened to the 3 year old?? That's crazy.

His mom acts as if my son should have to give up what's important to him so she can spend time with him. I agree with you, she should come here and go to his games etc... He has a life that she is not much a part of and she expects him to put it on hold just for her convenience.  

[grhqofb5]

Yeah, its becoming a pattern. They don't understand that its not fun for him to be a babysitter.  The part that scares me is what if something had happened to the 3 year old?? That's crazy.

His mom acts as if my son should have to give up what's important to him so she can spend time with him. I agree with you, she should come here and go to his games etc... He has a life that she is not much a part of and she expects him to put it on hold just for her convenience.  

Well, at least the grandparents/sister-in-law/cousins part of the summer fun is over.  Maybe this would be a good time to actually communicate some of your frustrations to them, being that your son is old enough (at least in their minds) to be trusted, and his opinions should matter.

 

Start with the low hanging fruit.  Maybe sugguest that leaving a 12 year old to babysit a 3 year old in a swimming pool is a bit inappropriate, and that your son needs to eat food.  Basic things like that.  If they give you lip, great chance to say that future visits need to have ground rules.  In my experience, people like this tend to lose interest once they feel uncomfortable. 

[codeorama]

Well, at least the grandparents/sister-in-law/cousins part of the summer fun is over. Maybe this would be a good time to actually communicate some of your frustrations to them, being that your son is old enough (at least in their minds) to be trusted, and his opinions should matter.

Start with the low hanging fruit. Maybe sugguest that leaving a 12 year old to babysit a 3 year old in a swimming pool is a bit inappropriate, and that your son needs to eat food. Basic things like that. If they give you lip, great chance to say that future visits need to have ground rules. In my experience, people like this tend to lose interest once they feel uncomfortable.

That's where this is headed. (My son is only 10 and while he may be responsible enough to watch a 3 year old, I would never put any child in that kind of situation, unexpected things happen.).

I'm going to talk to my ex and basically tell her that my son doesn't want to go for 2 weeks. 1 is enough and she should just stay here a week and watch him play baseball and participate in his life etc.