redman Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 The Complete Military History of France: * Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." * Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. * Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots * Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. * War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. * The Dutch War - Tied * War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. * American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting." * French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. * The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. * The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. * World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, Widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. * World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. * War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. * Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. * War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 :lol: :lol: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romo Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 I believe there is one more minor "war" that could be added to the loss column. I dont have exact dates and im to lazy to look them up right now but I believe back around the mid-1800's France played a part in a Mexican revolt and temporarily ruled parts of Mexico until American backed Mexicans kicked them out. If you want a really good display of French idiocy in battle look at the Battle of the Plains of Abraham in 1759, which was pretty much the end of the French-Indian War. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Tater Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 I read this WW2 story the other day: While in France, a General stoped his column in front of a town. His XO came up and they noodled the problem. The General said "We need to go around. Back in '18 my unit came into this town and I made some tall promises to a French girl. I think she still lives there." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romo Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 Here is a link to a brief outline of the French occupation of Mexico that took place from 1864-1867. one interesting note about the illegitemate son of the wife of the Hapsburg/French ruler of Mexico during those years. Her illegitimate son grew up to be General Maxime Weygand, who surrendered the French armies to Hitler in 1940 and paved the way for the collaborationist Vichy regime. http://www.mexconnect.com/mex_/history/jtuck/jtmaximilian.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inmate running the asylum Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chief skin Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 SURRENDER, short history Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 They really should remove the red and blue from their flag. All white would be so much more appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 Awesome story there Romo sits to pee. Thanks, dude! I was a French major, and I'd forgotten about Maximillan, and I never knew about the bas-turd son being the one who surrendered. :notworthy :notworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 Just for the record Redman, we Italians have found that, having ruled the western world for 1000 years, it really was not worth the effort. Therefore, we have no need for victories in battle. Rather, we prefer to perfect the Art of Love. Another area, I must say, where the French mislead themselves into believing they have some skill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redman Posted February 14, 2003 Author Share Posted February 14, 2003 LOL, joe. I'm married to an Italian (Sicilian actually) who reminds me of that 1000 year rule. It would appear that the Italians have at least earned the right to claim they can rest on their laurels, unlike the snail-eating frogs. However, just remember to avoid p|ssing off the Eritreans! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbws Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 France: "Table for 50,000? Right ziss way." -Robin Williams Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.