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Breaking News : Nazi Airlines Flight Crashes ; Everyone Survives

Mickalino

By Mickalino
in The Tailgate

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Mickalino

Mickalino

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I wrote this story to rip on the airlines, after years of travel frustrations.

If you fly just half as much as I do, you'll appreciate this.

But if you don't fly much, or don't usually dig my sense of humor, then you won't like this.

BREAKING NEWS : Nazi Airlines Flight Crashes ; Everyone Survives

Nazi Flight 8241 started out like any other flight. Teenage girls begging grumpy old man to trade seats with their skate-board-riding boyfriend, so they could get out of their center seats and sit together. Fat, sweaty guy, spilling his heavy layers of fat into the paranoid lady sitting adjacently. Arrogant executive guy leaning into the aisle, while unsuspecting

old lady trips over his polished shoes.

None of these people were actually breaking any rules.

But then.

Things changed.

SOMEONE broke one of the airline sacred laws. And another. And another.

Until, before long, disaster had spiraled out of control.

First, the airplane taxied down the runway to it’s takeoff point.

As the plane began to take of – it happened. It started.

Back in Row 18, Seat B, Johnny Hedgecrew leaned his seat back, and reclined it past it’s upright position !!!!

Fortunately, this time, a Nazi Airlines Stewardess was there, quickly enough to diffuse this potentially disastrous situation. The Stewardess, named Buffy, pounced on the passenger, and exclaimed, “PUT that seat back to it’s upright position. I’ve told you this before. So there will be NO PRETZELS FOR YOU.”

Johnny replied, “Oh please, Stewardess Buffy, let me have your wonderful gourmet Airline Pretzels !!”

Buffy responded, “I am NOT a Stewardess. I am a flight attendant !! And don’t you forget it ! And once again, NO PRETZELS FOR YOU !!”

Johnny, replied, “Could I just have one small peanut ?”

“ONE peanut, and ONE PEANUT ONLY !!” retorted Buffy.

Buffy brings Johnny a peanut, draped by that famous airline napkin, and hands it to Johnny. You may have your peanut, but DO NOT lower your tray table to eat it during

take-off !!”

Johnny felt that in order to truly enjoy this airline peanut, and savor it to the limit, he would have to cut it up into small pieces, and eat it one fragment at a time.

So he lowered the tray table in front of him. Just then, the weight imbalance caused by the lowered tray table caused the plan to wobble. Passengers just assumed it was the result of turbulence, and the pilots struggled to regain control of the plane.

But it wasn’t over. Johhny proceeded to cut his peanut into several pieces using his plastic knife on the tray table. Realizing that the tray table was pushing into his chubby stomach, he decided to recline his seat to give him some breathing room. So back the seat went, away from the upright position. Immediately the plane flew into a tailspin, from the leaning seat. Flight Attendants began running up and down the aisles, yelling “Who’s got their seat reclined, and tray table down, you’re sending this plane into a downward spiral, put them back up !!”

Passengers began screaming, “We’re all going to die !!”

Johnny, realizing the huge commotion he had caused, returned both his seat and his tray table to their original position. But it didn’t matter that he stopped. Because, elsewhere on the airplane, SOMEONE was using an electronic device during take-off. That’s right, Dolemite Jenkins, the hip-hop teen, was listening to his MP3 player and rappin to the latest hits. The pilots could not hear the air traffic controllers over the 2-way radio, who were trying to direct them out of this disaster. The reason the pilots couldn’t hear, is because of the electronic interference from Dolemite Jenkins’ electronic soundwaves.

The pilots would radio the tower for directions, but all they could hear was the rap vocals, “I see a smelly cop……I’m gonna make him drop”

So the damage was done, and there was no turning back now.

Realizing that the plane was surely going to crash, the flight attendants began preaching to the passengers, “This plane is going to hit the ground at 600 mph !! Put your seatbelts on, to withstand the impact !!”

Another Flight Attendant answered with, “We’re not actually going to hit the ground – we’ll be hitting water – the Gulf of Mexico is below us !! So grab your seat cushions and use them as flotation devices !!”

“Listen, Lady”, replied a passenger in the front cabin, “Do you know who I am ? I am a First Class passenger and Gold Mileage Member with Nazi Airlines ! And I am the General Manager of Popeye’s Chicken Franchise #847356. Therefore , I do NOT use LOWLY seat cushions as flotation devices.”

Another passenger in the same cabin replied, “Oh yea, well I’m a Million Miler with Nazi Airlines, and I’m going to use your head as a flotation device, and dunk it in the Gulf, if you don’t shut the heck up !!”

Still, there was one more passenger could better them all. “Hey, I’m Hugh Grant. And screw your Million Mile Club, I’m a member of the Mile High Club, so I got you ALL beat.”

But the first passenger, the Popeye’s Manager came back with, “I’m not going to argue with you nobodies. When this plane crashes into the gulf, I insist on having Nazi Airlines provide me with a personal yacht to pick me up there in the water, and have a glass of Dom Perignon ready for me.”

Just then, the plane skidded across the gulf as passengers were ejected from the plane, all holding dearly to their floatable seat cushions.

First Class passenger Roland Simmons, the Popeye’s Manager, was the first to hit the water and survive. But the fight for survival wasn’t over. These were shark-infested waters. And since Mr Simmons was still greasy with chicken grease, from his Popeyes joint, the sharks were attracted to the smell, and went straight for him. and began nibbling. The first shark replied, “Hey, these humans REALLY DO taste like chicken”

The 2nd shark says, “Hey, you’re right. I guess airline food aint so bad after all”

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Mickalino

Mickalino

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Not to be a downer, but really, did you have to call it Nazi airlines? Unless they started exterminating people based on their race, religion, ethnicity or orientation, it's a fairly cheapening use of the word.

I was thinkin along the lines of the Soup Nazi, from Seinfeld - "no soup for you" - how's that ?

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Mickalino

Mickalino

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I think the headline's a little misleading. I assume the guy from Popeye's didn't survive.
is it just me, or is the title misleading? didn't someone get eaten?
DAMN IT! you beat me to it. i had it all typed up, but then i was called away from the computer for a couple minutes

But technically, the title was correct, because he actually survived the plane crash :silly:

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