Elder Financial Exploitation - Anyone Experienced This?

[MassSkinsFan]

In the past six weeks I have uncovered a bad situation in my family.

Years ago my brother moved to Texas where he eventually married and had two kids. When my Mom and Dad retired, they moved there to be near the grandkids and my brother. He passed away in 1995, and my Dad passed away in 2002. My sister-in-law and nieces continue to visit my Mom on a weekly basis in her assisted living facility and bring things like toilet paper and crossword puzzles. More importantly, they visit with her and keep her up to date on family and friends (she decided last year to ditch her PC, so no e-mails now, and she is pretty immobile, so no leaving the facility).

I found out around Christmas that my Mom had been asking my sister-in-law to write checks for her to sign. I also found out that most of them were written to my sister-in-law. After further digging, I found out that this has been going on for 4 years and that my Mom has given nearly $200,000. She started with a significant retirement nest egg after my Dad passed, but now she's running out.

At this point I've taken some steps to stop the money bleeding from my Mom's account, but am still trying to figure out how to fix the rest.

Obviously I don't want my Mom and sister-in-law's relationship to end, so I'm putting financial controls in place for that. However, my SIL has been self-employed during that whole time and as far as I can tell that business was a complete failure. Her own parents have lots of money, but she did not seek their financial assistance, probably because she wanted to appear to have a successful business. She has mentioned that she is going to put her resume together and seek work as if that is a major accomplishment. My take on it is that she is lazy and feels entitled to the money she received, and that she has no remorse for her actions.

On the one hand I want to tell her off and on the other I want to not negatively impact my Mom's life by alienating my SIL to the point where she stops contact with my Mom.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do?

[Btubes18]

In the past six weeks I have uncovered a bad situation in my family.

Years ago my brother moved to Texas where he eventually married and had two kids. When my Mom and Dad retired, they moved there to be near the grandkids and my brother. He passed away in 1995, and my Dad passed away in 2002. My sister-in-law and nieces continue to visit my Mom on a weekly basis in her assisted living facility and bring things like toilet paper and crossword puzzles. More importantly, they visit with her and keep her up to date on family and friends (she decided last year to ditch her PC, so no e-mails now, and she is pretty immobile, so no leaving the facility).

I found out around Christmas that my Mom had been asking my sister-in-law to write checks for her to sign. I also found out that most of them were written to my sister-in-law. After further digging, I found out that this has been going on for 4 years and that my Mom has given nearly $200,000. She started with a significant retirement nest egg after my Dad passed, but now she's running out.

At this point I've taken some steps to stop the money bleeding from my Mom's account, but am still trying to figure out how to fix the rest.

Obviously I don't want my Mom and sister-in-law's relationship to end, so I'm putting financial controls in place for that. However, my SIL has been self-employed during that whole time and as far as I can tell that business was a complete failure. Her own parents have lots of money, but she did not seek their financial assistance, probably because she wanted to appear to have a successful business. She has mentioned that she is going to put her resume together and seek work as if that is a major accomplishment. My take on it is that she is lazy and feels entitled to the money she received, and that she has no remorse for her actions.

On the one hand I want to tell her off and on the other I want to not negatively impact my Mom's life by alienating my SIL to the point where she stops contact with my Mom.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do?

My father had a similar thing happen to his mom. She was living in the Midwest and we live on the east coast. She had a live in/at home nurse for the last 5 years of her life. The nurse took care of her and we assume paid the bills and all that. Little did my Dad know that the nurse was actually funneling all of the money and pocessions out of her account. So when she passed, the woman fled the country with all the money, and left my Dad with all the debt.

Looking back on it, I would say just make sure you become more involved with your mom. Also, make sure all financial transactions with her accounts run through you (which you seem to be doing). It may be a little more difficult since this is your sister in law, but I still think you can request to see all of financial's.

My mom's mom is currently 95 and had a similar situation, where a nurse started to try and get the money. My mom (learning from my father's expeirence) now has full control over my grandmother's financials for her bills and other things. My grandma loved that nurse (since she was so nice to her), but once my mom took posecession of her accounts, that nurse suddenly had to leave.

It a really sad thing to see people with no integrity, manipulating elders for their personal gain.

Good luck with your situation, it is a lot more complicated since it is your sister in law. Hopefully, things will work out for you and your family.

[Predicto]

That is so sad.

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't. MassSkins summed ti up well.

[hockeysc23]

have you talked with your SIL about this? I would ....

if not best of luck with this situation.

[MassSkinsFan]

have you talked with your SIL about this? I would ....

if not best of luck with this situation.

I have discussed it with her, and caught her in some lies. I have also consistently delivered the message that I am showing a huge amount of restraint in not initiating a formal investigation through Texas Adult Protective Services and the IRS. So, our last communication amounted to her saying that she was glad that I am taking control of the finances, that she thought she took less $ than she actually did, and that now that she isn't getting any money from my Mom, can I send her money so that she can buy toilet paper and crosswords.

That shows that she feels like there was nothing wrong with what she did, and implies that she won't continue to visit my Mom without further money.

My next move is to tell her exactly what I've seen so far and how I feel about it. I will suggest some things for her to pursue in order to get her life together. I'll also let her know that I've set the dominoes up to fall in case she decides to stop contact with my Mom, and that she doesn't want those dominoes to fall on her. :evilg:

[MassSkinsFan]

Btubes 18 and Predicto - Thanks. I appreciate the good wishes.

[Btubes18]

I have discussed it with her, and caught her in some lies. I have also consistently delivered the message that I am showing a huge amount of restraint in not initiating a formal investigation through Texas Adult Protective Services and the IRS. So, our last communication amounted to her saying that she was glad that I am taking control of the finances, that she thought she took less $ than she actually did, and that now that she isn't getting any money from my Mom, can I send her money so that she can buy toilet paper and crosswords.

That shows that she feels like there was nothing wrong with what she did, and implies that she won't continue to visit my Mom without further money.

My next move is to tell her exactly what I've seen so far and how I feel about it. I will suggest some things for her to pursue in order to get her life together. I'll also let her know that I've set the dominoes up to fall in case she decides to stop contact with my Mom, and that she doesn't want those dominoes to fall on her. :evilg:

I think you are taking the right steps. The last thing you want is to end the relationship between your mom and her, but ultimately you don't want to see your mom get burned. Just make sure to have as much documentation as possible, in case an investigation happens.

[DeanCollins]

Sounds like it's time for your Mom to be under a guardianship and you or someone else would take care of her finances for her. I'm kinda surprised that it took 4 years for you to figure this out. This kind of thing is pretty common amongst care givers which your sister is sort of. The person receiving the care feels vulnerable and the care giver feels entitled. Remember that the greatest opportunity for abuse occurs when there is a disproportionate amount of power between 2 individuals, as in teacher/student, parent.child, law enforcement officer/ citizen....

The big problem here is that unless your Mom is adjudicated as incompetent to handle her finances, she can give her money to whomever she chooses, unless she voluntarily gives up control. Sister in Law is a scumbag and if it were me, I'd be removing her from my Mother's care.

[MassSkinsFan]

Sounds like it's time for your Mom to be under a guardianship and you or someone else would take care of her finances for her. I'm kinda surprised that it took 4 years for you to figure this out. This kind of thing is pretty common amongst care givers which your sister is sort of. The person receiving the care feels vulnerable and the care giver feels entitled. Remember that the greatest opportunity for abuse occurs when there is a disproportionate amount of power between 2 individuals, as in teacher/student, parent.child, law enforcement officer/ citizen....

The big problem here is that unless your Mom is adjudicated as incompetent to handle her finances, she can give her money to whomever she chooses, unless she voluntarily gives up control. Sister in Law is a scumbag and if it were me, I'd be removing her from my Mother's care.

I had no idea that she was letting my SIL write checks which she then signed. Once I heard that I knew there was trouble.

Also, as you'd expect in such a situation, it started off slowly and escalated over time. Last year's haul was double the amount from 2008.

The biggest lesson for anyone else would be to check the finances every single year. I hadn't done that since early 2006, and that is exactly when this began.

As for SIL being removed from caring, it's not that simple. There is no one else there for my Mom, and I'm not moving to Texas plain and simple.

I'm trying to get my SIL to admit she's done wrong and take steps to make amends. If she finds that to be too much, she may walk away. If that happens, I pull the trigger. I do have to try to get her to straighten up and fly right first though, to try to prevent further collateral damage to my Mom (including loss of contact with family).

[MassSkinsFan]

I think you are taking the right steps. The last thing you want is to end the relationship between your mom and her, but ultimately you don't want to see your mom get burned. Just make sure to have as much documentation as possible, in case an investigation happens.

I investigate things all the time for my job, so I've got this covered!!! Great advice, but I'm on it.

[hockeysc23]

I have discussed it with her, and caught her in some lies. I have also consistently delivered the message that I am showing a huge amount of restraint in not initiating a formal investigation through Texas Adult Protective Services and the IRS. So, our last communication amounted to her saying that she was glad that I am taking control of the finances, that she thought she took less $ than she actually did, and that now that she isn't getting any money from my Mom, can I send her money so that she can buy toilet paper and crosswords.

That shows that she feels like there was nothing wrong with what she did, and implies that she won't continue to visit my Mom without further money.

My next move is to tell her exactly what I've seen so far and how I feel about it. I will suggest some things for her to pursue in order to get her life together. I'll also let her know that I've set the dominoes up to fall in case she decides to stop contact with my Mom, and that she doesn't want those dominoes to fall on her. :evilg:

Good job. That has got to take a lot of guts to do that. Never easy to talk that way with family.

Congrats on looking out on your mom's best wishes. Best of luck.

[DeanCollins]

As for SIL being removed from caring, it's not that simple. There is no one else there for my Mom, and I'm not moving to Texas plain and simple.

I'm trying to get my SIL to admit she's done wrong and take steps to make amends. If she finds that to be too much, she may walk away. If that happens, I pull the trigger. I do have to try to get her to straighten up and fly right first though, to try to prevent further collateral damage to my Mom (including loss of contact with family).

I hear you, but I've got the feeling that once you SIL is cut off from the money she'll lose interest in your Mom. I doubt that she's going to feel guilty and I'm not sure that she committed a crime if you mom gave her the money, unless she convinced your Mom verbally that she needed to pay bills, which would be hard to prove. Add to that that women get away with murder, when it comes to the law, and you Mom won't want her prosecuted, and if that's the case, there is no prosecution as you Mom is still in control of her finances. Consider this, if the SIL is the only one going to visit your Mom, what kind of quality of family life is that? Would she be better off moved to a ACLF in your town so that you could visit her regularly? I'm going to challenge you here a little. Are you keeping the SIL around because it's the easier thing to do? Btw, I was a guardian and care giver to my Father (living with him at home) for 4 years after he had a stroke.

[Destino]

There could be consequences for your mom in all this if she didn't file a gift tax return. The law only allows people to give away a max of 13k I believe per year to one person without filing a gift tax return. This exists to prevent people from giving away all their assets and avoid a possible estate tax.

I'm not an expert on this however so I could be wrong... worth looking into.

[Mark The Homer]

There is an epidemic of this kind of stuff going on. Here's an article in the Post a few days ago:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/21/AR2010022103943.html?hpid=newswell

Follow up article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/23/AR2010022305301.html

What's difficult is the elderly person who is being swindled in situations like this won't acknowledge it for various reasons (dementia, confusion, embarrassment, etc).

I have a similar situation in my family which I can't discuss at the moment. It's going to come to a head though very soon.

Good luck Mass.

[MassSkinsFan]

I hear you, but I've got the feeling that once you SIL is cut off from the money she'll lose interest in your Mom. I doubt that she's going to feel guilty and I'm not sure that she committed a crime if you mom gave her the money, unless she convinced your Mom verbally that she needed to pay bills, which would be hard to prove. Add to that that women get away with murder, when it comes to the law, and you Mom won't want her prosecuted, and if that's the case, there is no prosecution as you Mom is still in control of her finances. Consider this, if the SIL is the only one going to visit your Mom, what kind of quality of family life is that? Would she be better off moved to a ACLF in your town so that you could visit her regularly? I'm going to challenge you here a little. Are you keeping the SIL around because it's the easier thing to do? Btw, I was a guardian and care giver to my Father (living with him at home) for 4 years after he had a stroke.

Yep, I've been through this thought process before. My Mom won't leave her residence never mind move to the Boston area. I've asked her to do just that more than once and the answer is always no. For me to move to Texas I would need to undergo a significant career change. There are other considerations too, but the result is we're not moving to Texas.

As for quality of family life I agree that it's not good, but I think there are more than a few families these days that experience similar. In my case, my closest blood relatives are a 9 hour drive from me, and my Mom is 2000 miles away. My in-laws are 3000 miles away too. In terms of visiting family my wife and I live halfway between our parents, so we take 2 vacations every year - one to Texas and one to N. Ireland. It's not ideal, but it is what it is.

Under Texas law it is pretty clear that a carer in a position of trust who takes gifts through coercion or as a result of exploiting confusion (which would be the case here) is against the law. Like many states with warm climates where people move for retirement, they are very aware of this issue. Additionally, there is a pattern to the gifts - the first year was about $25K, then 34, then 45, then 80. These gifts were purportedly to cover living expenses. Think about your own living expenses - did you require $80,000 last year for your bills, rent/mortgage, etc.? I know we didn't, and Boston is an expensive place to live. Add to that the fact that the SIL is self-employed as a psychic/life coach, and it doesn't look good at all for her.

My primary goal is to stop the financial exploitation, and I have done that in the short term. I am working on a long-term solution for that. The next goal is to do what I can to optimize my Mom's quality of life. If I can get my SIL to admit she was out of line, and show some genuine contrition, that will help. If she cuts off contact, then I initiate investigations.

Thanks for discussing this with me - it's really helpful to think it through.

[MassSkinsFan]

There could be consequences for your mom in all this if she didn't file a gift tax return. The law only allows people to give away a max of 13k I believe per year to one person without filing a gift tax return. This exists to prevent people from giving away all their assets and avoid a possible estate tax.

I'm not an expert on this however so I could be wrong... worth looking into.

Thanks Destino - yeah I saw that it just went from $12K to $13K. I am in contact with her CPA and providing my Power of Attorney to him today, so I should find out the full implications soon.

[MassSkinsFan]

What's difficult is the elderly person who is being swindled in situations like this won't acknowledge it for various reasons (dementia, confusion, embarrassment, etc).

Yeah, this has been an issue. It continually comes back to my Mom saying that my SIL does so much for her, and that the cost of living is very high these days, and so on. Excuse after excuse. What I've been able to get her to say is that she is scard of losing contact with my SIL. She's not saying that that is why she continued to write the checks, but it's pretty obvious that was her fear.

I have a similar situation in my family which I can't discuss at the moment. It's going to come to a head though very soon.

Good luck Mass.

Good luck to you too MTH and thanks for the good wishes.

[DeanCollins]

Good luck MassSF. My Mother is 79 living alone in a condo and my only brother is mentally challenged and living in group home nearby her. It would be ideal for her to move here (to FL) near me so that I can look out for her in her twilight years. She says she wants to but We both know that she won't move away from my brother. I could put him on a waiting list (about 5 years long) for a group home in my county but I'd have to be his FL resident guardian, which I don't have a problem with. Currently my Mother is his guardian and won't get off her butt to make me his co-guardian so that I can put him on the waiting list and perhaps move them both down here. And, like you, I'm not moving back to the DC area, my Wife is a native floridian, won't move up to tundraville lol and I've got it way too good here. So I'll have a couple more family issues to tend to as there is no one else to do it. Hopefully she'll be functional for another 15 years till I retire.

[MassSkinsFan]

Good luck MassSF. My Mother is 79 living alone in a condo and my only brother is mentally challenged and living in group home nearby her. It would be ideal for her to move here (to FL) near me so that I can look out for her in her twilight years. She says she wants to but We both know that she won't move away from my brother. I could put him on a waiting list (about 5 years long) for a group home in my county but I'd have to be his FL resident guardian, which I don't have a problem with. Currently my Mother is his guardian and won't get off her butt to make me his co-guardian so that I can put him on the waiting list and perhaps move them both down here. And, like you, I'm not moving back to the DC area, my Wife is a native floridian, won't move up to tundraville lol and I've got it way too good here. So I'll have a couple more family issues to tend to as there is no one else to do it. Hopefully she'll be functional for another 15 years till I retire.

Good luck with that DC. It sounds like your Mom might need a push from you to get the co-guardianship going. I'm finding that going to Tx in person is helping things, but it is slow and costly. In the long run I'm sure it will be worth the time, effort and cost, but right now it's a pain.

Thanks - I appreciate the sounding board.

[Skin'Em84]

This may be difficult and expensive, but you could always call her bluff on the money and mail your SIL a box of TP and crossword puzzles instead of sending her the money.

[MassSkinsFan]

This may be difficult and expensive' date=' but you could always call her bluff on the money and mail your SIL a box of TP and crossword puzzles instead of sending her the money.[/quote']

I've actually looked into it and it wouldn't be difficult or expensive. Let's just say I'm keeping it in my back pocket as an option.

Thanks for the idea!

[MassSkinsFan]

UPDATE

First thanks to everyone who commented.

I just wanted to share an update and give some advice to people who might find themselves in this kind of situation.

I reported my SIL to Texas Family and Protective Services today. I'm both anxious and relieved. I'm anxious because it's going to piss off my Mom, but relieved because I know it was the right thing to do.

Last I updated was in Feb 2010 - since then my SIL has predictably moved away and no longer visits my Mom. She claims to write once a week, but my Mom told me she hasn't gotten any letters.

So, the moral of the story is that if you're on the fence about reporting elder financial exploitation, just do it. Don't wait. I'm kicking myself for waiting. Just do it. Now.

Thanks again for advice/comments/listening.

Hail

[Predicto]

Good for you! I hope your mom will come to understand what was going on, but maybe it's better if she doesnt. :whoknows: