self-help: patience and snobbery

[MissU28]

Is there a way to learn patience? Or things to do to become more patient? I am very impatient- I like things to be done when I want them done and have little patience for people in general.

Also, is there a way to cure snobbery? I grew up with somewhat of a silver spoon in my mouth (well, we weren't RICH rich, but well off enough), and I was a little spoiled. Sometimes I find myself making snotty comments in my head about things or not initially appreciating things because they aren't what I would do myself; then I catch myself and say, "Bad Missu28!"

Bottom line: Is there a way to make me patient? Is there a cure for snobbery? I want to totally appreciate things people give me or do for me without having the initial "ummmm...." reaction.

Am I already screwed since this is how I grew up? No one else in my family really has this problem, my brother is one of the most humble guys ever and my mom doesn't show signs of it, either.

It also sucks because my boyfriend grew up the exact opposite: very poor, very different family life, worked for everything he ever had. He calls me "rich girl" because of some of the things I say sometime, and he has to make sure I approve before he books hotels and things bc he's good to stay wherever, whereas I seek out places that aren't in any bit "seedy".

Suggestions?

[BigMike619]

come hang out with me. we will hit up the local dirty bar, drink some PBR and get hammered.

that should cure both.

[MissU28]

come hang out with me. we will hit up the local dirty bar, drink some PBR and get hammered.

that should cure both.

I actually like dive bars and regular old beer. I'm not too snobby when it comes to alcohol and bars.

[BigMike619]

I actually like dive bars and regular old beer. I'm not too snobby when it comes to alcohol and bars.

maybe its just standards you have set for yourself?

look at WHY these things bother you. what is wrong with staying at a motel 6 instead of the Hilton?

what do you have against certain things? is it just because you were "taught" they are beneath you or do you really not like them?

Personally I dont care because I grew up dirt poor with nothing so I feel that when I am around stuff that is "too good" for me I dont know how to appreciate it properly. so it might not be a bad thing that you have a higher standard then most.

[MissU28]

maybe its just standards you have set for yourself?

look at WHY these things bother you. what is wrong with staying at a motel 6 instead of the Hilton?

what do you have against certain things? is it just because you were "taught" they are beneath you or do you really not like them?

Personally I dont care because I grew up dirt poor with nothing so I feel that when I am around stuff that is "too good" for me I dont know how to appreciate it properly. so it might not be a bad thing that you have a higher standard then most.

I was never taught things are beneath me. I remember going car shopping with my mom for my first car and I was turning up my nose at cars while I should have just been appreciating that I was being offered a car in the first place.

I think because I HAVE experienced really nice things in my life, that standard is set and I expect it every time now. I've had a gorgeous upgraded room in Caesar's in Vegas, so now, every other hotel room is blah for me.

I know in my head stuff that's not brand name is fine, but I guess I'm a little label whore. But then it's weird, because I'll buy stuff for myself that's super cheap that has no name sometimes and then have that initial snobby reaction when I hear somebody shops solely at Forever 21. I don't know why I'm like this.

[BigMike619]

I was never taught things are beneath me. I remember going car shopping with my mom for my first car and I was turning up my nose at cars while I should have just been appreciating that I was being offered a car in the first place.

I think because I HAVE experienced really nice things in my life, that standard is set and I expect it every time now. I've had a gorgeous upgraded room in Caesar's in Vegas, so now, every other hotel room is blah for me.

I know in my head stuff that's not brand name is fine, but I guess I'm a little label whore. But then it's weird, because I'll buy stuff for myself that's super cheap that has no name sometimes and then have that initial snobby reaction when I hear somebody shops solely at Forever 21. I don't know why I'm like this.

but do you think if you just stayed in the room on the 5th floor of ceasers you would hate it and be miserable the whole time? and what if that car isnt a benz but is a honda? will you hate it every time you drive it?

things are taught to us and usually from childhood. you have a "tape recording" going on in your head that you have heard since you were a kid and so when certain things happen (hotel room, wine selection, etc) your tape player goes off and that happens. you can always program yourself to hear something else. all it takes is catching yourself the first time and stopping yourself. next time your man says he wants to get a hotel, try just letting him pick it and telling yourself you will have fun no matter what. i really doubt he would put you in a fleabag place anyways.

[brianforster]

Tally up the amount of money you make in 1 month vs how much YOU yourself spend. If amount A is higher than amount B then its safe to say you still have that silver spoon in your mouth.

Only reason I can think of for feeling guilty for having high standards is someone who hasn't earned the right to those high standards.

IMO, heh.

[BigMike619]

and we all love good stuff. i dont care really but if i am given a choice of driving a hyundai or a lambo OF COURSE I wanna drive the lambo!! i wont use cheap toilet paper or soap. just dont like it and dont wanna use it in my house. that doesnt make me a bad guy it just means i have set standards for myself.

the trick is not making a big deal out of it when its not a big deal. if its medicine or something serious then fine. but insignificant stuff shouldnt get you all worked up.

[MissU28]

Tally up the amount of money you make in 1 month vs how much YOU yourself spend. If amount A is higher than amount B then its safe to say you still have that silver spoon in your mouth.

Only reason I can think of for feeling guilty for having high standards is someone who hasn't earned the right to those high standards.

IMO, heh.

well, it's true, I don't really make enough money to live the way I'd like to live, so when I get to experience it, I take advantage of it. Then everything pales in comparison.

[MissU28]

but do you think if you just stayed in the room on the 5th floor of ceasers you would hate it and be miserable the whole time? and what if that car isnt a benz but is a honda? will you hate it every time you drive it?

things are taught to us and usually from childhood. you have a "tape recording" going on in your head that you have heard since you were a kid and so when certain things happen (hotel room, wine selection, etc) your tape player goes off and that happens. you can always program yourself to hear something else. all it takes is catching yourself the first time and stopping yourself. next time your man says he wants to get a hotel, try just letting him pick it and telling yourself you will have fun no matter what. i really doubt he would put you in a fleabag place anyways.

yeah we've been trying to pick our hotel for san fran next week (still haven't booked it). I'm just going to tell him to pick wherever, as long as the parking's free.

I think my deal is this: sometimes I really really really care what people think of me. Then other days I couldn't care less. Such polar opposites depending on the day.

[BigMike619]

yeah we've been trying to pick our hotel for san fran next week (still haven't booked it). I'm just going to tell him to pick wherever, as long as the parking's free.

I think my deal is this: sometimes I really really really care what people think of me. Then other days I couldn't care less. Such polar opposites depending on the day.

then let your actions dictate that. i dont give a **** about the brand of jeans you have on, I care about what you act like when we kick it.

Dont let what you wear, where you stay or what you drive try and make a statement for you. youre one of the coolest people on here and if I ever hang out with you I would be we would have fun if we were drinking PBR out of a can or drinking 500 dollar bottles of wine in La Jolla.

[The Guru]

Is there a way to learn patience? Or things to do to become more patient? I am very impatient- I like things to be done when I want them done and have little patience for people in general.

Also, is there a way to cure snobbery? I grew up with somewhat of a silver spoon in my mouth (well, we weren't RICH rich, but well off enough), and I was a little spoiled. Sometimes I find myself making snotty comments in my head about things or not initially appreciating things because they aren't what I would do myself; then I catch myself and say, "Bad Missu28!"

Bottom line: Is there a way to make me patient? Is there a cure for snobbery? I want to totally appreciate things people give me or do for me without having the initial "ummmm...." reaction.

Am I already screwed since this is how I grew up? No one else in my family really has this problem, my brother is one of the most humble guys ever and my mom doesn't show signs of it, either.

It also sucks because my boyfriend grew up the exact opposite: very poor, very different family life, worked for everything he ever had. He calls me "rich girl" because of some of the things I say sometime, and he has to make sure I approve before he books hotels and things bc he's good to stay wherever, whereas I seek out places that aren't in any bit "seedy".

Suggestions?

I think the key would be to change you thinking more than to change you actions. If you take things in to perspective, there are millions of people in the world who are smarter than you, work harder than you, want success more than you do. The majority of these people probably have much less than you do. One of the things I have realized is that you are not entitled to anything and you should appreciate every little thing you get. The reason you might be impatient or a snob is because you're expectations are too high. Realize that most people are much less fortunate than you and they do just fine. Will going to a "seedy" hotel really be the end of the world? Will it really be so bad if you have to wait a long time for something you want? Are you really that high-maintenance? Stop acting like you deserve more than other people and just be happy with the way things are. Assume that everything you want will be difficult and require lots of hard work. Be grateful when you get things easily. In my opinion, the best thing to cure these traits would be to just humble yourself and think about what how lucky you are.

Also, if you want to put this into practice, try saving money for a while instead of spending it. Don't indulge and only get what you absolutely need. You might realize that living without much really isn't so bad.

Good luck!

[MissU28]

I think the key would be to change you thinking more than to change you actions. If you take things in to perspective, there are millions of people in the world who are smarter than you, work harder than you, want success more than you do. The majority of these people probably have much less than you do. One of the things I have realized is that you are not entitled to anything and you should appreciate every little thing you get. The reason you might be impatient or a snob is because you're expectations are too high. Realize that most people are much less fortunate than you and they do just fine. Will going to a "seedy" hotel really be the end of the world? Will it really be so bad if you have to wait a long time for something you want? Are you really that high-maintenance? Stop acting like you deserve more than other people and just be happy with the way things are. Assume that everything you want will be difficult and require lots of hard work. Be grateful when you get things easily. In my opinion, the best thing to cure these traits would be to just humble yourself and think about what how lucky you are.

Also, if you want to put this into practice, try saving money for a while instead of spending it. Don't indulge and only get what you absolutely need. You might realize that living without much really isn't so bad.

Good luck!

and the thing is, I get so mad when my students feel they are entitled to things or don't appreciate what I do for them. I gave them candy canes and new mechanical pencils yesterday- and then there are kids asking me for different flavors or colors and wanting something else. That angers me so much, and I know I was never like that and I am not like that now. If I feel that way, I keep it inside and it only lasts a short while. But I know I am not entitled to anything, I just like nice things. I know there are tons of people who have less, but my compassion stops somewhere.

[BigMike619]

and the thing is, I get so mad when my students feel they are entitled to things or don't appreciate what I do for them. I gave them candy canes and new mechanical pencils yesterday- and then there are kids asking me for different flavors or colors and wanting something else. That angers me so much, and I know I was never like that and I am not like that now. If I feel that way, I keep it inside and it only lasts a short while. But I know I am not entitled to anything, I just like nice things. I know there are tons of people who have less, but my compassion stops somewhere.

do you feel guilty?

if you keep it inside and dont project it what is wrong with liking nice things?

whats really up here? why did this come out now?

[MissU28]

And another thing is-I KNOW I am not perfect; far from it. I know I am in no place to judge other people. I definitely realize that. I think it all stems from my own insecurities, which is a textbook case and has a textbook answer.

[MissU28]

do you feel guilty?

if you keep it inside and dont project it what is wrong with liking nice things?

whats really up here? why did this come out now?

because I got a gift yesterday and I had that initial "reaction" which I really didn't wish I had...but I suppressed it and I really like the gift now and the thought put into it, which I know really matters. But I want to be one of those people who genuinely appreciates EVERYTHING...or maybe they fake it, too?

[BigMike619]

because I got a gift yesterday and I had that initial "reaction" which I really didn't wish I had...but I suppressed it and I really like the gift now and the thought put into it, which I know really matters. But I want to be one of those people who genuinely appreciates EVERYTHING...or maybe they fake it, too?

Ive had girls cook for me and in my head I am screaming "THIS SUCKS" but on the outside I am smiling. What you do in the privacy of your own head is your business. But if you project that to the person who gave the gift thats another story. Sounds like you want to change your initial reaction and thats just done thru habit.

I am trying to change my initial reaction when given any type of criticsm from being angry and throwing up a wall to actually listening. So now I have to concentrate on listening to the person speaking instead of going on in my head how I wanna smash them. On the outside people think I am listening, but soon enough I will be actually fully listening.

[brianforster]

MissU - We can't feel bad for the thoughts in our head, nobody is ever gonna come in there except you.

edit: Fostering certain thinking patterns can eventually manifest itself outward.. So it can't be a blanket statement, but aside from extreme, dangerous thoughts, its pretty safe in there.

[MissU28]

Ive had girls cook for me and in my head I am screaming "THIS SUCKS" but on the outside I am smiling. What you do in the privacy of your own head is your business. But if you project that to the person who gave the gift thats another story. Sounds like you want to change your initial reaction and thats just done thru habit.

I am trying to change my initial reaction when given any type of criticsm from being angry and throwing up a wall to actually listening. So now I have to concentrate on listening to the person speaking instead of going on in my head how I wanna smash them. On the outside people think I am listening, but soon enough I will be actually fully listening.

Oh, I NEVER make the person feel bad or tell them I don't like it. I will never even return something I don't really like because I feel too guilty. I always make them feel like I love it, and will wear it or use it if they come over. So is it normal to have that little initial reaction then? In the end, I always appreciate what is given to me, and I often find that I enjoy things if I give them a chance. I think I just need to grow a little more, as every year I get better and better with it.

[MissU28]

MissU - We can't feel bad for the thoughts in our head, nobody is ever gonna come in there except you.

edit: Fostering certain thinking patterns can eventually manifest itself outward.. So it can't be a blanket statement, but aside from extreme, dangerous thoughts, its pretty safe in there.

That makes me feel better. I just feel guilty about it sometimes.

[BigMike619]

Oh, I NEVER make the person feel bad or tell them I don't like it. I will never even return something I don't really like because I feel too guilty. I always make them feel like I love it, and will wear it or use it if they come over. So is it normal to have that little initial reaction then? In the end, I always appreciate what is given to me, and I often find that I enjoy things if I give them a chance. I think I just need to grow a little more, as every year I get better and better with it.

its like a reflex..you can teach yourself to change it if you really want but if you arent coming out and saying it outloud why does it matter?

I think you need to give yourself credit for not speaking it and for being appreciative instead of beating yourself up for what you arent doing. :2cents:

[MissU28]

its like a reflex..you can teach yourself to change it if you really want but if you arent coming out and saying it outloud why does it matter?

I think you need to give yourself credit for not speaking it and for being appreciative instead of beating yourself up for what you arent doing. :2cents:

do people really speak it? How mean.

I'm about to go get an early dinner so we don't miss the cowgirls game tonight. Toodles, and thx for the advice!

[BigMike619]

do people really speak it? How mean.

I'm about to go get an early dinner so we don't miss the cowgirls game tonight. Toodles, and thx for the advice!

peace out Trouble.

[brianforster]

do people really speak it? How mean.

The fact that its hard to believe for you means you have less to worry about than you think.

[Special K]

Hey MissU, that fact that you recognize this is a good thing in my opinion. We were all brought up in and groomed in a certain manner and that doesn't mean people brought up one way are bad and people brought up in another way aren't. As long as you aren't projecting your initial reactions onto others or being rude, you should not feel badly, there is nothing wrong with wanting nice things.

One thing I highly recommend is travelling, especially to developing nations, and observing firsthand how a lot of the world truly lives. I don't think there is anything that has done a better job in opening my eyes and making me appreciate even the most simple things in life than travelling has. If you aren't able to travel really, I'd honestly recommend getting involved with community projects through churches or other non-profit organizations. Even just going outside of your little bubble in the community opens your eyes to how people live in the next town over, or even in the same city as you. I worked with an HIV positive homeless population all last year and I can truly say they taught me way more than I was ever able to offer them with my health knowledge.

I guess my line of thinking is that a lot of us have a fear of the unknown and that is normal. So by actually venturing into that unknown, and even trying to help others throughout the process, you learn how much you truly do have in common with poor person staying in the "seedy" hotel, or the family living in a mud hut in Africa, or the kid living in a shanty town in Asia. No matter how we were brought up, we all experience the same basic human emotions and I think by going outside your normal boundries and getting involved with people from all walks of life really helps a person gain perspective on life. I'm not talking about feeling guilty or anything, no one should feel guilty about how they were raised, but it has helped me appreciate a lot more what I was given growing up and how I look at those "seedy" places now.